It's slot to stop

Dear diary, Day 21, I am going to call you dear now as I cannot believe how much you are helping me by letting me write every day, you are keeping me strong, focussed and motivated! I hope everyone is ok, tonight would have been one of my trigger points as football is on, football is not my thing but other half loves it, I would have made an excuse and said I had some work to do on the laptop upstairs - yea right!!! Not much else to report - worked today - I work 9 hours a day and thought on the way home how nice it is not to be losing what I have earnt, ok it is all accounted for bills and debts etc but at least I am not making those debts worse. I often used to think when in gambling zone if a complete stranger came to the door and asked for a £100 would I give it to them - no, but in effect that's what I was doing to these online companies 100's times over!!! Take care everyone and keep strong

Dear diary - Day 22, today's subject is lists!

I love lists - make lists for just about everything, whether its cos my memory is not the greatest (was jumbled with gambling thoughts) or whether its cos I like to be organised!!

Food shopping list - severley compromised because of gambling losses - ended up having to cut list down to absolute bear essentials to survive on and would resent any money spent because it meant less to gamble with!

To do list - again severley compromised because of gambling - would have a whole list of things to do on days off which would then go completely out the window because I would then spend the day online gambling, (even though I would tell myself I will only limit myself to an hour gambling!) would only iron what was required for the next day and would have some household cleaner out that I could quickly grab if other half popped back home in between his taxi jobs so that I looked as if I was having a productive day!!!

To pay lists - again this was always severley compromised because of gambling - again cut down to bear minimum or not even paying what I needed to pay because of gambling

Anyway that is all changing - those lists are not going to be compromised anymore!!!

Am making 'to do lists' to keep myself busy and keep away from gambling thoughts (when I have some free time) but not going to make them too big as if I don't achieve what I want to do I will feel I have failed!! Got lots to do though as I have neglected the house and just tend to shove things in drawers rather than sorting them out so that I had as much possible time for gambling, so gradually going to sort my mess out!

Very excited last night as I found a holiday list app for my phone - which I have done - not going away for just over 6 weeks but I like to get organised!!!! I will start packing soon!

Coming on here and reading everyone's stories does make you reflect on things - I have had counselling before on a few different occassions - alcoholism, gambling and general life is rubbish problems but have never really got to the root of things, maybe I never had an open mind to find the cause of why I am like I am. As far as gambling is concerned - my dad always liked a bet, but it was only ever small stakes and only on a Saturday with the horse racing, if we went on holiday he would always have to find a bookies on a Saturday, he also did the football pools I remember me and my sister always had to remain deadly quiet as he listened to the results coming in! As kids we did go to the horse racing on a few occassions and we did also go to the amusements my mum always delights in telling me how I would tremble with excitement at the penny arcade machines - did my future problems stem from then? Or is it the fact that as years went on I hated the fact that I was in debt (not through gambling) and had no money for myself and thought that gambling would get me out of that hole and give me some extra money on top - yea right - big mistake.

Anyway that is my reflection for the day - going to start making a dent in my 'to do' list!

Have a good gamble free day everyone

Dear diary, 23 gamble free days, not too much to report, couldn't get to sleep last night loads of thoughts of slots going round in my head, arhhhhhh, had a busy day at work, so tired and grumpy now!! Night all x

Dear diary, day 24, only 5 more days until I reach my target of 29 days which will be the longest time I have abstained from gambling for several years, this time my 'not gambling' is different, I want to stop, before when I have self excluded for 28 days it was because I felt I had to plus the fact that I was angry with the sites for 'not letting me win!', this time my accounts are permanently closed and I have no intention of opening a new one, I am taking one day at a time and setting myself small achievable financial goals to help put a bigger dent in my debts rather than them getting worse! I am feeling good, hope everyone has had a good day

ODAAT is definately the way forwards...You are doing great 🙂

Thank you for giving me a new perspective on the dreaded 'features'...Up until now, any mention of them has drawn Mr Gamble instantly to my side! Your recollection of the feature generously giving you 3 times your stake made me actually remember the 'yes yes yes' thoughts & the breath holding followed more often than not by the crashing disappointment of a kick in the teeth! Then the convincing myself that "it's started paying" followed by further trips to the cash point & no more than a hint of another feature! I actually feel sick thinking about it...o*g, WHY (wail)!!!

I need to get me some of those lists...Mine too have suffered throughout my gambling career to the point where putting the washing in the machine & turning it on became 2 tasks so that I could get 2 ticks @ least on one that started @ the top of an A4 sheet & went all down the back too, plus up the sides!

Those tiny steps keep moving us forwards! Keep winning - ODAAT

Dear diary, day 25 for me and thank you ODAAT for the post, glad my recollection had the desired effect! I would get a bonus and be punching the air and thinking yes this is the answer to my prayers - I will cover my losses and have some left over - only to get £3.60!! Of course if it had been better than that I wouldn't have covered my losses I would have lost it all anyway, the number of times I told myself that I could control it and that I knew the winning formula and what day and time to play was untrue, I was just kidding myself! Good luck with the list writing ODAAT.

Got lots of overtime next month which is brilliant, won't get paid for it until the end of October because of cut off dates for overtime being submitted but all being well I will be able to buy one lot of my pawned jewellery back which will be such a relief, but it did put things into perspective in the fact that I have got to slog my guts out doing 46 hours overtime at just over the minimum wage to be able to buy it back, it took me about half an hour to lose that money in the first place and I had to pawn the jewellery in order to put back into the bank to cover the mortgage, when you are spinning - like so many have said on here it doesn't register that it is real money, I am the same with credit cards, it doesn't hit home until you then have that dreadful sinking and sick feeling that you have somehow got to pay it back! But one day at a time I will be gamble free and pay those debts back. Stay strong everyone

Dear diary, it's day 26 for me, 26 gamble free days and if feels brilliant. Just been chuckling to myself, was in the middle of preparing a meal when other half phones which got me to thinking - 4 weeks ago I would have been miffed that he had called as I would have been in gambling mode so I would have listened to him very half heartedly while concentrating on the screen and why could I guarantee that the very rare time I would get a bonus was when either he or a relative would call, so mute button on and any punches in the air and shouts of 'oh yea' would have to be curtailed!!! Oh dear the things we have done!! No more of that for me though, taking one day at a time and keeping busy. Been going through old e-mails and deleting them, get so much rubbish sent to me including gambling sites, they are being deleted and with a lot of them hitting the unsubscribe button, feels very satisfying! Have a good evening everyone I am now going back to the kitchen to sort that meal out!!! Roll on day 27

Hey you!

Wow! Look at that change of events huh ☺ great going and just look how far you have come already. No matter about amount of days - YOU and only your feelings counts the most and just look how quickly you can change that mindset huh.

You smiling just made me smile so thank you so much for sharing and showing us that anything is possible in life if we set our minds and hearts to it.

Be proud, have a smile for yourself because life can only get better now you're working recovery!...and now yup - roll on day 27! Youre doing it!!!! Whooopppiieeeeeeeeee 😉

One day at a time - all will b ok ☺

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra for your continuing support, I will always be really grateful to you as you were the first person to write in my diary and it meant so much to me, so I try and write on people's diaries when they first join as I know how much it meant to me even though I am not that confident in giving advice yet but I can offer support and encouragement. It is also lovely getting posts from all the other lovely people on here such as ODAAT who is so encouraging to everyone and LifeBegins who is at the same day count as me, thank you to you Sandra for running the 90 day challenge and to everyone else for their support. Another thing that made me chuckle after I wrote my last post was how I would question my other half (he's a taxi driver) as to where he was going, how long he was going to be etc etc so I could work out gambling time!!! One time one of the sites I joined for a little while I could play on my tablet (a lot of sites my tablet didn't have the right programme to run them), but anyway I had just got a bonus when OH walked in the door, I was upstairs and had to hide my tablet under the bed while the bonus ran its course and then I had to try and act normally!!! Hope everyone is having a good eve x

Dear diary, it's day 27 for me, tomorrow will mark the longest time gamble free for quite a number of years and it feels good, just been reading some of the diaries on here and so many of you have such a wonderful way with words, wish I did, I consider myself quite boring with not much sense of humour - low self esteem, I must work on that, at least by not gambling I do feel a lot of pressure has gone from me, my life is not being dictated by that voice in my head saying 'go on, just a little go, it won't hurt' of course it will hurt, it will just pile on the feelings of low self worth let alone add to the financial pressures. Going food shopping this morning, don't have a lot to spend but at least I have got a few quid which is something, if I had been gambling I would have been living off dust for the next few days until pay day! I have budgeted for the next month - mortgage, debts etc and all being well I should be able to get a few euros for my forthcoming trip to go and see my daughter 6 weeks today - 2 pay days before then so breathe, take one day at a time, stay gamble free. Have a wonderful day everyone x

Hi Liaison,

You are not boring Hun, you are you - being yourself and climbing bk out from this hell hole! That's enough for sure and we all see how hard you're trying and taking recovery seriously.
Besides when i joined here, i hardly muttered the word..look at me now!! Coo coo (or coo koo as ODAAT insists) and have no end of words lol..sometines i see it as negative cause this gob says too much lol..but hey, i can make amends also.
Keep bein you darling, do what you're doing and reap the benefits of abstinence on the way...and trust me, low self esteem will soon start dissappearing and your true self will start surfacing bk up..all comes from within..patience ☺
Good to see you budgeting and planning in front! That's what it's all about, sorting financial issues out and then just lookin after our welbeing for the rest of the month! You are getting there, you are working recovery and be proud! So so pleased you're sticking around, please stay safe and work at it, it will get better...please believe me..it willl and you're so so worth it my friend!

One day at a time...all will be ok ☺

Sandra x

Wow, thanks Sandra for such a lovely response, gave me a big boost and a big smile x I have always tried to budget and to be honest it never left me much for gambling, however that would all go out of the window once I started gambling, it is so nice to budget and to not have gambling in the equation! Hope you are having a good Sunday x

Hi Liaison,

Day 28 for both of us....whoop, whoop!!

Good to see that you're staying the course. We've got so many things in common and a lot of the things you write about regarding gambling time and your husband are so like me. Hiding the tablet under the pillow! I've done that too. A couple of times I took my phone in the shower with me ( propped it on the soap basket) as I'd finally got the bonus but he'd come home and I didn't want to be caught. It takes energy to be sneaking around so much, and one of the things I'm liking the most is not feeling guilty all the time.

I can also identify with the low self esteem, as that's something I struggled with for a long time and really worked on in therapy. It will change over time and you'll start to feel better now that the gambling's stopped. I don't know about you but I used to have a critical voice in my head which would be beating me up on a daily basis. There was a near constsnt flow telling me what a bad, worthless, rubbish person I was.Learning to challenge my own critical thinking and changing my perceptions about myself really helped. There's a lot of information out there about self esteem which could be useful for you.

Anyway, have a great day 28.

LifeBegins x

Dear diary, day 28, as LifeBegins said whoop, whoop, 4 whole weeks since I took my last bet and it feels good. Coming on here helps so much, this evening will be difficult as OH is doing a long journey and won't be home till about midnight so have got to keep strong, have made a list of things to do such as eat junk food (I need to put on a bit of weight as gambling came first to eating, plus after my losses I didn't feel like eating), watch junk telly (got behind on a lot of things I used to watch because of gambling so would just record it!), do a few household chores (again got behind on them because of gambling!), stay strong and read some more diaries on here and breathe, have a good eve everyone x

Yep, yep, breathe...That's a good one 😉 Check you out with your crazy plans...They sound perfect to me, well except the housework 🙂

Not sure if I'm meant to be seeing humour in your posts but it's there (don't do yourself down)! You'll have to forgive our crazy friend Sandra but she really is no Eeenglish (unless it suits) & so, for the record it's cuckoo but you probably knew that 😉

Massive congratulations on your 1st 4 weeks! Keep fighting - ODAAT