Dear diary, day 29 for me, thanks ODAAT for your comments, must add that to one of my lists don't put myself down, trouble is with my lists I need to make a list as to where I put them!! I do have low self esteem and am going to work on improving that over time. I was thinking that because of gambling I have lived a lie for over 6 years so I have found myself being very guarded about the things I say basically so I didn't drop myself in it, or if anyone asked 'how was your weekend' you end up saying 'not a lot' rather than saying 'oh I lost £100s gambling and spent the whole weekend zoned out in front of the computer!' So I do find that I am a lot quieter than I used to be!! That will change, being gamble free, I will re-build the art of conversation by taking interest in new things instead of just having one thought in my head! Goodnight everyone, sleep well, am finding sleep is beginning to improve as am not panicking about huge losses and how I am going to cover them! X
Oh how I've lived that particular dream...It's just occurred to me I spent a lot of my gambling career 'having a lovely time down in Brighton'! Never gave too much away but absolutely hated the difficult questions like "Did you have good weather?" I mean seriously, it's only 60 odd miles away, you'd think I'd have been able to answer that one...Thing is, there are no seasons inside a gambling establishment! Now I think nothing of laughing my head off & admitting I took to my bed & only got up to refill the hot water bottle & empty the hairnet! I genuinely forgot that I used to do this...I have always maintained that I never cared what people thought of me & was quite happy saying nothing, how bizarre?! Glad I'm not that person anymore!
Right, I'm going to set you off on today's list:
1) Don't put myself down today
2) Look in the mirror (hope it doesn't break), smile, raise my left hand, drop it behind my left shoulder & place my palm on my back, lift & replace several times whilst saying "Day 30, you're mine!"
3) Cross another day off the calendar until I get to see my big baby girl
Sleep tite Liaison, sweet dreams!
Dear diary day 30, thank you ODAAT, you have put a big smile on my face, what lovely comments to read before heading off to work, yes one day closer to seeing my big baby girl (5 weeks Sunday), and should be able to buy some euros on Friday when I get paid and it will be so good to put money in my mortgage account and for it to stay there and not to have to worry a few days after being paid how I am going to cover the mortgage. A few years ago when going to see daughter I had bought euros and then put myself in a stupid predicament by gambling and had to sell some of them back before going away!! No more of that for me!! Have a good day ODAAT and everyone else x
Well done on 30 days,
Keep taking one day at a time, with your guard tightly up and your triangle broken, and keep taking positives from negatives, and slowly but surely OAU you will continue.
Keep strong.
Suzanne xxx
Thank you Suzanne, my guard is very tightly up and have over the last few days had hardly any urges although I have been exceptionally busy, but I don't intend to get complacent, I will come on here every day and write in my diary and read other diaries and will always remind myself of the sheer overwhelming despair that gambling losses made me feel, once again thanks Suzanne x hope everyone has had a good day
Dear diary 31 days, a whole month, wow, am so proud, plan to keep the days adding up one day at a time and to stay on this path permanently, it's a much better way to live. Got a busy day and evening, so will post more tomorrow, stay strong everyone x
One whole month of winning, how good does that read,
Stay strong.
Suzanne xxx
Dear diary day 32, thanks Suzanne for previous post, it feels brilliant!! Been and had my eyes tested needed stronger reading glasses and am actually getting proper glasses from the opticians this time albeit their cheapest ones but last time I just got £1.99 glasses from cheap shop in order to leave me money to gamble with, how stupid! Paid interest on pawned jewellery which came to £210 I was behind on paying him so that's up to date, be so glad to be able to buy that back eventually, by staying gamble free it will be possible, if I don't it won't happen because I won't win because I can't stop. Did also buy some euros for my forthcoming trip to go and see my daughter and did some food shopping, got nothing left over but everything has been covered for the month and I am not going to jeopardise that! I love being gamble free, stay strong everyone it's worth it x
Dear diary still day 32 but doing a lot of thinking!! Before I started on my journey I had very delusional thoughts that I would never be able to pay back what I owe without gambling - such unrealistic thoughts as by gambling I just added to them and didn't stand a chance of paying everything between paydays, on day one I felt I had a mountain to climb but I can see clearer now and know that by taking one day at a time and budgeting carefully I can eventually clear my debts and the climb up the mountain is doable, I will make it to the top and not get complacent along the way x
Dear diary, day 33, not much to report, been at work and feel shattered so feet up for a little while and have a read through some of the posts on here, so glad not to be gambling, I know financially the light at the end of the tunnel is a long way off but by not gambling I can see it - and it's going to get a little bit closer one day at a time. Have a good bank hol weekend everyone, I am working Monday but at least I get double pay which is a little bit more off my debt!! Stay strong, you're worth it! X
Dear diary, day 34, home alone and going to be for several hours!! Got to keep myself occupied so am catching up on a television series that I recorded during my gambling days, have got 26 episodes to watch - that should keep me busy!! Really need to start sorting through my house as tidying up used to consist of shoving things in bags, drawers, wardrobes etc so that I had time to gamble!! Need to get motivated to start on sorting it all, perhaps I should just try and do it a bit at a time! Hope everyone is having a good day xxxx
Dear diary, day 35, found yesterday quite difficult at times with very strong urges, I think it was because I was on my own for quite a long time but it's amazing how by keeping myself distracted those urges passed without any disastrous mishaps!!! Been working today, feel shattered so am off to bed in a little while as have got an early start, hope everyone has had a good gamble free bank holiday x
Dear diary, day 36, wow the days soon add up, been working so not too much to report, sometimes I do online surveys and the one I did today was about drinking and gambling!!! Doh, stay strong everyone x
I did GT!! Dear diary day 37, got a really busy day ahead so prob won't be able to post later, so glad to be gamble free, it's like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders knowing that I won't and can't go back to those gloomy days and as I have said before it is going to take a long time to get myself financially straight but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel even though it's a long way away it's there and it is achievable by staying gamble free, stay strong everyone and have a good day x
Good to see you doing well and staying strong. We're doing it. I know it's one day at a time, but I've got to say it....Day 40 soon!!
LifeBegins x
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