It's time for me to keep a journal

I thought I updated this earlier but it didnt save I guess.
Things have been tough, but that is pretty much all on me. I stopped doing this journal, I stopped making daily lists, I stopped being forthcoming about everything with my partner and then got defensive about it today. This week so far though, i've been to a GA meeting each day online. Ive continued with the CBT course, completing module 2 and getting feedback. I'm keen to make more meetings, keep things simple, work my program a day at a time. Do the things that I don't feel like doing all that much to get them done, before relaxing. I have been exercising a lot and I feel so much better for it.

So I havent updated in days. I've had some good days, some bad.
Completed my last maths assignment for my uni course, which has been 7 months of something sitting in the back of my mind that needed doing and then doing things at the last minute. I have to wait 2 months or so to find out if i've passed. Onto my other module though, always work to be done but I feel better about IT/Computing than the compulsory maths stuff.

I've been attending different GA meetings still but not made any towards the end of the weeks. I will push myself to attend a meeting on Friday or Saturday along with my regular two or 3 that i've been going to. I still need to get a sponsor and work through the steps. I can't let that promise slip out of my mind.

Things with my partner are kind of strained. She needs distance, she's liking photos of other guy friends on social media, and they are liking pictures she's shared and being complimentary and stuff. I've brought it up in the past and how jealous it can make me. I know ultimately that she is free to do what she wants, but at the same time I feel like it makes me less interested, to protect myself I think? She doesnt wake me up to talk any more, something we used to do every night as she is 7 hours behind time zone wise. I sent her a message this morning saying "Wish you would wake me up". When she woke up, she read it and replied with "I talked to b (guy friend) and went to bed. And watched stuff on my own. Which I am allowed to do."

I feel kind of hurt and feel like we may be better apart but I know that it's most likely just the way i'm feeling about it right now. Once she says one nice thing to me i'll forget about all of it, but I don't really want to feel the way I am about it until then. Or keep doing this over and over. I'm jealous of the attention she is getting, I feel like when I compliment her photos, that my comments are really short. That I can't say more because we're kind of sort of taking a break. Yes she can have guy friends, but when I put "Beautiful" and am not even sure if I should, and they are putting "You look incredible ?" . It's not her fault that they give her attention, but she wants to feel like if it doesnt work out with me, that she will be fine, she's still very desirable to other guys who can treat her better than I have. Which is all true, and all fine... to a point. I'm more aware than ever that my thought processes are selfish alot of the time and I am working on recognising that and taking a step back. It feels good to write about it. I know I just need to calm down, think about my first responses in our next conversation and see how it goes from there. And be honest. All of this sort of thing is exactly what could make me say f**k it and throw my commitment out of the window and slide back into depression and defeatism and nothingness. I wont let that happen.

I'm still working out, really enjoying it, it's getting easier. I wish I could be back at work. Should be before long I would think.

Anyway, good luck to anyone that may read this, in your commitment to recovery.

In unity,

Charlie