Letting go of the Comfort Blanket & facing my Demons!

Nice post SC :)) I like yourself have wasted far too much time not giving up gambling because of the fear of letting go , I haven't gambled for over 15 months now and have realised there was nothing to fear except fear itself and that there's definately a better life without gambling in it 🙂 , reflections great but as they say on here " It's good to look back ,just don't stare " :)).

Wishing you well and sending you a whole lot of positivity for your journey ahead :))

As I've written elsewhere SC, a lovely post and did you see Lethe's comment. WCAWW!

Alan135 thank you

I've just finished reading day@atime diary, it's taken me a few days but was worth it...the lively debates between the two of you made for interesting reading. Much of the diary really makes sense to me and I'm grateful that it's there and available to people like me searching for every piece of advice & information possible to try and help ourselves move on from the misery of being a CG.

I have many many personal demons (as I'm sure most of us do) cr appy childhood, abusive alcoholic father, mother died when I was 13, and in those days he was just left to raise 3 girls 13 12 and 9 , no questions...allowed to treat them as he saw fit...and that's the beginning, the beginning of a life that only got worse but the difference is it was me myself who made it worse, years of secrets, years of pushing it down, rushed into marriage at 18 to a man 12 years my senior, lasted 18months another 18 months of misery....and so it goes on & on....I'm 52 now, twice divorced, my children are adults and know nothing of my 'demons' or the gambling and to be truthful...I hope they never do...

Well Diary, I think that's enough for this evening, it's almost 2am and I'm actually tired, I don't sleep well so this is a bonus.

Day 8 when I wake....just for today....I will not gamble.

M x

Hi SC,

It's taken courage for you to face your demons, and it's great that you are dong so now. It's a safe, friendly place here, and here's what I think. I don't think you are going to gamble again, as you say it's a comfort blanket you have been clutching for many years. Yes, it's still one day at a time, but you've found another priority.

Where you are now is much deeper. You want to save YOU, and that will add so much depth to your relationships with your loved ones and friends, and the way to do that is to open up as you are doing. There are lots of ways of doing that; counselling, group thepary, solitary reflection or as you are doing, to start, here within the safe walls of this forum.

As you have recognised, gambling has been a way of escaping your demons and all the emotions that go with it. You want to be re-born, not necessarily religiously but spiritually... you want to feel free of the shackles that have been with you for so long. Did you know, the average person lives till they're 86 or something these days, so you've got something like 34 years ahead of you, and that's on average, and you want them to be happy ones.

And it starts here. The gambling, well, that's gone now. You know that. This is now what it's really about: we are now going to save YOU, M (I'm not going to call you SC anymore because I never liked what it stood for, and, anyway you are NOT an SC. Far from it.)

You have started with a brief summary of your life, as you have seen it in a nutshell. From a childhood that was far from ideal, and that has shaped your life since. The important thing to remember is, as a child we know nothing, we learn from others. The first thing, therefore, is that whatever happened is not your fault. Really.

Bit by bit, step by step, if you want to, and at your own pace, we can start to unpick it together. This is your lifestory, and your life. You are now in control. It starts here.

Here's the positive. Gamblings gone; it's not your comfort blanket anymore. Finding the inner peace you have so rightly craved is. This site is, at the moment, your new safety blanket. Anomymous, and totally safe, with people who care, sharing their life stories, listening to you and each other. It may be the springboard to counselling, or other supportive measures. But you are starting a genuine voyage of discovery. Imagine you are a sailing ship that has just left port, from a place you don't like, setting off on an adventure. Where will it lead? You have a sneaking suspicion that it has to be better, and you're ready to find out. Luggage all packed, you are actually setting sail. One week in, your can still see the land, but it's fast disappearing from view. Your ship is your new comfort blanket.

Gamcare is the ship, the land now increasingly out of view is the gambling and the life associated with it. Full astern!

M, your future, and so many happy years potentially ahead - this is your prize. I believe you're tired, tired of the shackles and it's time to break free.

And I'm the same, M. I'm in my own ship, and very tired. And there are many others here, and I'm sure in our wonderful group over on the WCAWW thread, who are also coming to the same conclusions. We've all been gambling for a reason, and we all need to get to the bottom of it, and then out of it as we sail into a brave new, and happier, world. Let the present, and future, shape us!!! As Alan wrote above, we can then "... look back, but don't stare!"

Hi M, just to follow on from Mixer's observations, don't be too hard on yourself for the 'choices' you made! You, like so many people on here are a survivor & it's testament to your strength that you have been able to protect your children from your pain. It is that strength that has allowed you to recognise that Dan's diary is something to be embraced rather than avoided, what Lethe has seen in you, what will keep you fighting to know & accept yourself. It is wrong of me to envy your strength? Maybe but it's no good in my head so I'm sharing my weakness in the hope that you can gain strength from it & I can learn from you as I walk shoulder to shoulder with you as you embark on this journey - ODAAT

SC you are into your second week of being gf, hope today is a good one

Hi again M :)) .

Your right , Dan and I certainly had our share of " Spat's early on in my recovery but I now realise it was more about me not being " Accepting " more than anything else , I came here all angry and broken because my life had become uncontrollable and was in no mood to be what I refered to back then as being " Preached " too by someone who I thought didn't know me but looking back of course he knew me , I was just another addict in denial :(( , weve got along just fine since then :)) .

As youv'e said " We all have our personal " Demon's " but at varying degree's I believe ? , it's about dealing with what applies to us as individuals , taking what you need from all sources here and in the 3D and ditching what's not needed , Recovery's bespoke , no right or wrong's and just as long as it works and gets you to where you want to be and a level of happiness that your comfortable with then I think that's just fine :)) .

I'm a few years older than yourself and am only to aware that life's not a straight route from A to B , throwing up many different route's and turn's along the way ,with a few suprises thrown in the mix just for good measure !

We can't alter the past but also what's done is done , I've accepted what I am and the choices I've made along the way but I'm 15 months gamble free and enjoying life once again , seizing every day as if it were my last because one day it will be :)).

Your doing great M , just take it one day at a time ( Little steps ) , if it's truly what you want then there's no doub't just like myself you'll achieve it :)) .

Stay safe and have a great day !

Best wishes

Alan x

I just don't have the words to express how I feel about the replys above...thank you just isn't enough...

I'm so raw right now, 8 days GF and that is a positive but so many buried emotions are hitting me with every day that passes, all the old memories that I've kept hidden from both myself & others are flooding back and the pain is unbearable....is this life without gambling? I don't want to hit the Slots, I have no interest in them for now but I'm terrified ....can I handle this pain, am I strong enough to reveal the real me to myself.....I just want the pain to stop.....

Yes, you are strong enough! Ring the helpline for some professional advice, get out of the house & listen to the birds chirping (the little beggars have been keeping me awake all day), put on a weepy & sob til the tears come out of your nose...These are past fears that haven't destroyed you, you ARE strong enough!

It is life without gambling but learning how to process them is what will help you stop running scared. No need to ask if you can, look @ your day count & how open & vulnerable you are allowing yourself to be already, you are doing it!

Hi M,
I have just seen your post. I want to send a more detailed reply but simply dont have time at this minute. I will do so later. In the meantime i just wanted to say, rarely have i seen such honesty,strength & vulnerability offered up on this forum, three qualities that will serve you well in creating a happier M going forward.

Hi again M :)) The pain will stop you know but all the emotions that have been buried deep by gambling our way through times of stress, emotion , pain and fear will rise to the surface now that the self medicating (Gambling ) has stopped but it has to be that way and it's not a bad thing at all , same as alway's just deal with it as and when it arises 🙂 I rememeber early day's for me posting on here and asking " Is it normal to have wave's of emotion hitting you like wall of water " ? , I was all over the place , Happy one moment and crying my eyes out the next, full of remorse and regret for what I'd done and who I'd affected but trust me when I say it's just the bodies coping mechanism , it has to come out in order for it to get better and for you to move forward in your recovery onto a better life :)) , and yes it dioes get easier as time goes on ( I'm only down to crying 6 nights a week now ) only kidding it's fine and it settles pretty quickly , it's about letting go and accepting things for what they are , we all make mistakes because it's in our human nature to do that but by the same trait we can also learn from them as well .

This place works so well in allowing ourselves to " Get it out there " , Rant and rave as much as you need to because it beats the alternatives hands down , were all the same and know exactly how your feeling and no judgements :))

Alan xx

Just to add to the amazing heartfelt, terrific advice and support in the posts above: M, we have posted on our own threads a few times and your excellent sense of humour and sense of fun has shone through. No question! You most certainly have the inner strength to get through this, please have no doubt about that!

Been so down today & I think I've cried more than I ever have in my life, full on crying, tears, snot, the lot! As soon as I read your post ODAAT that was me and slowly it started to pour....This is so not what I do, not me...I'm the happy one, the person friends tell their problems too, I'm the shoulder to cry on always ready with a hug and (attempted) words of wisdom...So ashamed of myself...How can I have lived so many years so false....Pretending to be something I'm not....I've been a fool first and then a coward.. to afraid to face the things that make me who I really am. Gambling? What have I been gambling...money? God yes and I'll be paying the debt for years to come but it wasn't about the money, I realise that now....I've been gambling my life away, my self respect, my hopes & dreams for any future..My sanity......

Skyblueblue - you said something on another thread, you said gambling is a type of Self Harm, oh my god I thought when I saw that comment, this is what I'm doing, punishing myself, punishing myself for being human and struggling with my many many demons, I had never thought about it like that but it makes so much sense.

I have made but just one promise to myself...This Diary shall be my truth, my place to put down those thoughts and feelings that I find so difficult to express....No lying to myself, no more.......

I am who i am...I am a gambling addict & just for today....I will not gamble.

Mix - you are a shining light of positivity in our group and I thank you for that, I'm afraid my sense of humour & fun is far from here at the minute but I'm sure you will drag it out of me soon 🙂

Alan Dan ODAAT uncertain outcomes and Rhoda.... I am humbled by your support.

M x

And 2 mins later I'm crying again.....Crying for the person who wrote the above post, I want to wrap my arms round her and tell her everything will be ok....

It will be....It's another day tomorrow, another chance.

M x