Letting go of the Comfort Blanket & facing my Demons!

SC I have found your diary thought provoking and genuinely honest, I can relate to so many of your situations. I've tried so many times to quit alone and have been going around in circles. Here is like a lifeline for me as I spend a lot of time on my own and everyone is here for you. So don't look back, let's move forward together, hugs S x

Hi SC, We have not chatted for a while, but I read your comments, and you have given me strength over the months.

OK - So what £100, look at all the good you have done on the other days!

We are all behind you....so get up and back on, even more determined than before.

Take Care

Sbb x

Hiya Mari, yeh poor decision, but not the end of the world. It has shown you that you have not got this licked, that you can't play for fun. Personally, I think in a week or twos time you will be thankful that you have slipped, it will give you new insights into yourself. You said 'failure', but what have you failed at. Your aim is to no longer be a compulsive gambler; and you are succeeding at that; yes you went on the slots for half an hour, but in the past would you have stopped? No. You are beating your addiction, one day at a time, and you are growing into the person you have the potential to be. Start again. It will really make you fed up seeing yourself back at the bottom of the days table...I stopped looking...the count really does not matter, what matters is the work you are doing which will get you to the place where you don't want to gamble. We will get there. Helen x

Mari,

Well done that Brave woman......on two accounts, if not more! You stopped at £100, that takes some doing when you are on that slope downwards. And that you came back to your diary, and talked it through....All I want to say to you is this. Your a d**n fine individual, who I respect. When I fell off the wagon, you were one of the first there, telling me to get back on the horse again....Your journey is on-going. You are not a failure...that word is just so negative. Can we turn that into a positive, your making a concerted effort to be gamble free, with some challenges.....

Tomorrow is a new day....nothing that has happened today can be changed....You get up tomorrow, dust yourself off, and get back to it...P.s. my contact details are available for you at anytime.....I don't say that lightly, as I really value my independance away from Gamcare, but I am there when you need me.

Thinking of you, but know you will be just fine..

Hugs and a big Irish salute.

Julie x

. . . And so to the end of another chapter. Turn the page, let the new one begin. . .
Each time we fall it makes us more aware. Well done on stopping at £100. Not sure that I would have had that strength, once I'd started.
Sending you a hug, take care of yourself because you are worth it and don't you forget it!!! Xx

Come on Mari, it's on the bad days you have to learn to reach out. You have tried going it alone, you have cut yourself off, it doesn't bring you peace. You know where I am. Helen x

First things first....I am overwhelmed at each & every post of support from you folks, I really can't put into words how grateful I am...i'll get round to you all very soon.

So I came and admitted to my relapse , posted here yesterday then promptly switched off wifi, phone etc went to wee shop and bought two bottles of wine, downed them far to quick (I don't drink often & usually just a glass or 2) not a good idea I know but I had to shut out the self pity, I am so sick of wallowing, sick and tired of the constant battle with myself. Well it did the trick and sure enough couple hours later the only thing on my mind was how to stop the spinning room and head, how to stop the stomach wretching so I could move from head down toilet to my bed! Sillycow by name, sillycow by actions!

Woke up this morning with a mahoosive headache and the hangover from hell...and even more strange, a sense of complete calmness...What's done is done is done, no point in self pity, it certainly won't change anything and change is what I need..I know that. Headed into town to pick up headache tablets & something nice for dinner...No alcohol lol...sun was shining so had a slow wander round shops and ended up in the local library, i used to read constantly, always had a book on the go but over the years it's become less and less. Joined up, had a browse and picked up a couple of books, found myself a quiet corner and sat down to read. Such a simple thing but my oh my, I felt so peaceful, the quietness of the library, the sense of calm...It was just what I needed. Sat for about an hour or so then moved to the cafe that's in the same building, got myself a lovely lunch & strong coffee and just watched the world go by from my window seat... how many people that walked past are secret addicts? That well dressed woman, what pains are behind the perfectly made up face....or the handsome guy in the smart suit, does the personna hide a life of chaos & c**P... then there's me...What do people see when they look at me? A gambler? An addict? I doubt it but that's what I am....Self pity, wallowing, moaning & groaning... none of that will help me, change....change is what I need to do.

I'm still angry & annoyed at myself for being yet again a sillycow but I'm glad now too, 114 days of abstinence gone...I gambled...I didn't enjoy it, no pleasure at all...no buzz... no highs or lows...nothing absolutely nothing. I put myself in a terrible state of mind for nothing...i let myself down big-time for nothing. Mental pain & exhaustion...Self loathing...And a bl**dy huge hangover for nothing!!! What did my eejit mind think it was missing...Escape, Fun, Wins blah blah blah...I gambled, I played those pathetic reels with the cartoon characters & irritating beeps,pings & la la las and I felt nothing.

So here we go my dear dear diary, my confidante, my secret & forever friend....My mind is clear & I'm ready to move forward...Let's do this!! Live!!

Once again to you all my Gamcare friends, thank you so so much for being here, for taking the time to respond to my painful post...for listening... for the never ending support....I'll stop prattling on now...There's a yummy chunk of toffee & fudge cheesecake awaiting my attention, a little ( quite large lol) treat to myself picked up in town today from a speciality cake shop 🙂 :).

Onwards & forwards I go.....

Mari xxxx

Sillycow wrote:

First things first....I am overwhelmed at each & every post of support from you folks, I really can't put into words how grateful I am...i'll get round to you all very soon.

So I came and admitted to my relapse , posted here yesterday then promptly switched off wifi, phone etc went to wee shop and bought two bottles of wine, downed them far to quick (I don't drink often & usually just a glass or 2) not a good idea I know but I had to shut out the self pity, I am so sick of wallowing, sick and tired of the constant battle with myself. Well it did the trick and sure enough couple hours later the only thing on my mind was how to stop the spinning room and head, how to stop the stomach wretching so I could move from head down toilet to my bed! Sillycow by name, sillycow by actions!

Woke up this morning with a mahoosive headache and the hangover from hell...and even more strange, a sense of complete calmness...What's done is done is done, no point in self pity, it certainly won't change anything and change is what I need..I know that. Headed into town to pick up headache tablets & something nice for dinner...No alcohol lol...sun was shining so had a slow wander round shops and ended up in the local library, i used to read constantly, always had a book on the go but over the years it's become less and less. Joined up, had a browse and picked up a couple of books, found myself a quiet corner and sat down to read. Such a simple thing but my oh my, I felt so peaceful, the quietness of the library, the sense of calm...It was just what I needed. Sat for about an hour or so then moved to the cafe that's in the same building, got myself a lovely lunch & strong coffee and just watched the world go by from my window seat... how many people that walked past are secret addicts? That well dressed woman, what pains are behind the perfectly made up face....or the handsome guy in the smart suit, does the personna hide a life of chaos & c**P... then there's me...What do people see when they look at me? A gambler? An addict? I doubt it but that's what I am....Self pity, wallowing, moaning & groaning... none of that will help me, change....change is what I need to do.

I'm still angry & annoyed at myself for being yet again a sillycow but I'm glad now too, 114 days of abstinence gone...I gambled...I didn't enjoy it, no pleasure at all...no buzz... no highs or lows...nothing absolutely nothing. I put myself in a terrible state of mind for nothing...i let myself down big-time for nothing. Mental pain & exhaustion...Self loathing...And a bl**dy huge hangover for nothing!!! What did my eejit mind think it was missing...Escape, Fun, Wins blah blah blah...I gambled, I played those pathetic reels with the cartoon characters & irritating beeps,pings & la la las and I felt nothing.

So here we go my dear dear diary, my confidante, my secret & forever friend....My mind is clear & I'm ready to move forward...Let's do this!! Live!!

Once again to you all my Gamcare friends, thank you so so much for being here, for taking the time to respond to my painful post...for listening... for the never ending support....I'll stop prattling on now...There's a yummy chunk of toffee & fudge cheesecake awaiting my attention, a little ( quite large lol) treat to myself picked up in town today from a speciality cake shop 🙂 :).

Onwards & forwards I go.....

Mari xxxx

Perfect 🙂 Good to see you back !!

Sbb

Mari you are so cool and kind. I will always support you in my own clumsy way and I'm so glad you posted again. Red or white wine??!! Best wishes, Phil

Thankyou for your kind post and support on my diary..

Have read through yours earlier this evening, just so much of it i can relate too ..So sorry to read about your slip up after 114 days ...But as many others have already said reaching that many days is a great achievement and something for you to be very proud of...

We get knocked down then we get back up and try and try again...

Keep at it Mari ....Sending you my best wishes and support

Takecare ...Londonbloke

I reckon it was red wine, that has that stomach churning effect..Mari you paint such a great picture.....I was eating the lunch with you, and obviously the cake afterwards..

Take care and lovely to see your around.

Julie x

Capcha thingy is doing my head in grrrrrr

Trying to catch up with folks & it's taking forever...I write big posts & lose them and have to start again...I give up!

I'll try to catch up with folks over next day or two. Too tired for this malarkey 🙁

Mari x

Hi Mari.

I know the feeling! Main reason why I haven't bothered the last couple of days. I informed Gamcare staff as well, after, like you, typing a ginormous post, only to lose it all, after wrestling with the robot!!!

Let's not let that ghastly robot win one over on us.

Take care.

Our Lady

Thanks for your kind message!
Great to hear you're back on track.
This addiction can really mess with your head can't it?!
It's succeeded in luring us both back before with false promises but we mustn't let it tempt us ever again. It's about time we started to look after ourselves, because we're worth it!! Take care x

Hi Mari

Thank you for your lovely kind post. Wishing you a wonderful g.f weekend too.

Take care.

Our Lady