Life begins again

Good afternoon diary,

Have not posted on here for a week, not sure if that's good for me or not, but I have put my recovery journey at the front this week by other means, I have had a few extended family issues, that have involved my son, (as its his partners daughter) so I have been giving them my priority support in front of me if that makes sense, the issues with this are still ongoing.

Also I had a big disappointment from my bestie( who lives in Turkey) but still travels back to Hayling, (nr Portsmouth) we were going down for the week, in March and staying in a caravan (her van that she purchased last year to rent out) so OH and I booked the week off from work that she said was available, and looking forward to it, as I have not been back to Hayling for 3 years now, but she won't be coming back on those dates now, and we can't change our hols in March, so it's gone pear shaped, totally understand her reason for changing dates, but why did she not let us know sooner, she knew what week we had booked,

I need and want to see my girls down there, have not seen them since August 2014. maybe we can still arrange alternative accommodation, but OH says if we have to pay in full for a caravan for a week, he would obviously prefer to go to Skegness, looks like in some ways I am still going with the flow to keep the peace.

I am fully aware that this could send a trigger flying through, but I am too strong now and just being sensible I guess to even let a flicker of that undying evil torch back in, I can deal with disappointments and family issues without that torch giving me the wrong light, it's evil, and I know just one tiny bet would be disaster, I also at this time don't feel the need/want to dig any deeper within myself, because I feel at this time, as long as I am aware, on guard, barriers in place, believe and even better know my life is soo much saner and healthier now, and I don't want to gamble when things get tough, or when I am feeling great, my OH trusted me this week with my ups and downs, and do you know what dear diary I trusted myself, (because I have no doors left even slightly open and I have no desire to fill a self inflicted void with the utter madness of gambling my life away. Gambling never even entered my head, my thoughts have been with my son and his partner, and I think that is progress indeed.

Oh and by the way, another cheeky offer on the house, we are not that desperate to sell, (but had I still have been in the grip of this

Addiction, we surely would have been, Infact we could of lost all of it, but we didn't, and my desperate wrong decisions have disappeared all night with the desperation to gamble, yes I Was desperate to gamble, and nothing else mattered.

My recovery journey has gifted me with something quite unusual in my eyes this week, support without a blink to my family, understanding my besties reason, without getting upset and dramatic, and just going with the flow on the sale of our house.

In other words I have not thrown my toys out of the pram, I have stayed cool, calm and collective (to a certain extent lol) and that is soo positive for me dear diary.

Wishing everyone a strong, relaxing and happy gambling free Sunday.

Suzanne xx

A good post there Suzanne. It to me was a post where you tapped at the screen with the thoughts flowing through the conduit of your fingers. Have seen alot of that these past few weeks with different people.

I think what got me the most was 3rd paragraph up from the bottom ' gift with unusual eyes etc etc '.... I get that, only just but I do. It equates to ' getting the ' gift of recovery and living life on life's terms....

ps... skeggy is ok but many hidden gems on these Isles, probably right on your door step, now your eyes are wide open.. ☺

Hi Suzanne... as volcano says, a good and positive post. I was looking through parts of my diary the other day and came across a time when i was well over 600 days clean and then when I clicked for the next page I read about my own devastation at having gone on a big gambling binge. Literally over night my life went from steady as it goes, with all the usual up's and downs to a state of complete despair. To be honest i don't see you following my path, as you are wise and you keep your barriers up and you continue to keep in touch with other recovering gamblers. I think your doing mighty fine.

Regards... S.A

Hey thanks lovely man, ;)) you know I have always stalked your own diary (lol) and as I have said before to you, I have learnt soo much from you, you have helped me more than you know, and for that reason alone lol, I will always stalk you and support you, you are one of my dots, (((SA))))).

I really do wish you could find a job that you will now like, you have done more than your bit for the job you are on, and you should not feel guilty one bit about changing it, if you want too. With this new pay rise that should be coming in, it will give you a lot more scope to look around for something else, that suits you.

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday, and keep being kind to you,

Stalk you later:))) my friend

Suzanne xxx

Lol, stalk you later! Also, I think you've just me smile twice. Was that above post meant for SA'S thread?

I've seen that your a southern lass in God's own county I believe. I'm a product of North and south but with very much northern biesty, despite spending the majority of my life hidden in the smoke of Londonium.

I think my musings today is..... Balance and not getting caught up in cyber world.. A nice place to escape too but respect the life/ cyber balance...

ps.. keep boogie, woogieing and make sure your band mates Sesuo's rehearse too.

Hi,

Thank you for kind comments. Not been posting too much but reading and dealing with recovery in my own way.

As always your day count is mounting up and the praise and help you give others is fantastic.

Keep up the good work.

Best wishes xx

Hello lovely Suzanne , I meant to get back to you this morning but life got in the way and you know all to well how that can be ?.

Just wanted to say a quick thank you for your post , the lovely kind words you leave on my diary always bring a little lump to my throat , although thats not difficult these days being so in touch with life and reality again , really begining to worry how I'm going to hold it together , with the Father of the bride speech in August !, I'll have to work on things I think !.

I see life's still throwing the odd spanner at you from time to time , regarding holiday plans and the house ect ! but your a strong determined person now and one that see's the ups and downs of life for what they really are , just a blip on our journey .

Thank you so much again Suzanne , take care for now Alan x

Hello lovely Suzanne , I meant to get back to you this morning but life got in the way and you know all to well how that can be ?.

Just wanted to say a quick thank you for your post , the lovely kind words you leave on my diary always bring a little lump to my throat , although thats not difficult these days being so in touch with life and reality again , really begining to worry how I'm going to hold it together , with the Father of the bride speech in August !, I'll have to work on things I think !.

I see life's still throwing the odd spanner at you from time to time , regarding holiday plans and the house ect ! but your a strong determined person now and one that see's the ups and downs of life for what they really are , just a blip on our journey .

T

Hello lovely Suzanne , I meant to get back to you this morning but life got in the way and you know all to well how that can be ?.

Just wanted to say a quick thank you for your post , the lovely kind words you leave on my diary always bring a little lump to my throat , although thats not difficult these days being so in touch with life and reality again , really begining to worry how I'm going to hold it together , with the Father of the bride speech in August !, I'll have to work on things I think !.

I see life's still throwing the odd spanner at you from time to time , regarding holiday plans and the house ect ! but your a strong determined person now and one that see's the ups and downs of life for what they really are , just a blip on our journey .

T

I wished wrote:

Hey thanks lovely man, ;)) you know I have always stalked your own diary (lol) and as I have said before to you, I have learnt soo much from you, you have helped me more than you know, and for that reason alone lol, I will always stalk you and support you, you are one of my dots, (((SA))))).

I really do wish you could find a job that you will now like, you have done more than your bit for the job you are on, and you should not feel guilty one bit about changing it, if you want too. With this new pay rise that should be coming in, it will give you a lot more scope to look around for something else, that suits you.

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday, and keep being kind to you,

Stalk you later:))) my friend

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne

Stalking and hugs all around today 🙂

(((tri)))

Afternoon lovely lady.
639 is outstanding.
Luv Steve xxx

Hi Suzanne
So glad to hear you are still gamble free after all this time. I wish I had your strength but I still continue to fall for pathetic urges which like all of us on this site wish we could resist. I remember your very encouraging and supportive posts and hope I can find the strength to overcome the urges.
I know I need to continue to post daily and follow your example of patience and tolerance and hope and pray gambling will become totally insignificant in my life.
Thank you for continuing to inspire everyone on this site and I hope your family problems are sorted soon.
Best wishes as alway's
Rosie x

Thanks for your comments as alway Suzanne. I'm at the point were losing small amounts is hurting me more than the thousands because the girlfriend I have now loves me and is very supportive were as the last one never showed me love in any way. I tell her every time I lose and she says your not losing as much as you used to and you have blocked yourself for 31 days on your account which show your not as bad as you used to be. That's true but the only reason I don't gamble a lot is because she had me cash card and I can't play roulette on my account if I could I know I would lose thousands eventually. Cheers

Graeme

Suzanne.

A flyer. I'm seeing you more and more downloading support. I love it when I see in black and white some one embracing recovery. Your worthy of sitting at the top table. Don't let ODAAT eat all the sweets though, make sure she shares.

I stand and salute you

Suzanne,

Yet again a nice answer/ stroke post on my diary.

'What doesn't kill us makes us stronger'.

Now I'm going to try and expand on that on regards to your post to me. In a fashion, I only half agree we all have it in us. What makes us, is adversity.! Your a nice person Suzanne but I bet my bottom dollar ( maybe not appropriate terminology ) that in your lifetime you've seen the leveller of death and birth. And maybe possibly other bs. Not just the adversity of becoming a gambling adduct. All, this makes us think and become wholesome and after breaking through the bs, we embrace the moment/ recovery...

Thanks for your thoughts also, but in a whole im in a fairly good place. Am aware, my thoughts could go haywire, so I'm treading carefully.

Also just ti explain more of my above post. What I'm reading more now in your posts is that no doubt your a nice person but there's a difference and I see a natural downloading.

Breaking through and accepting, I believe is the reason your joining the top table of this forum...

Now, does that make sense?