Life With Sports Bets Only

Day 9

I'm not gonna falter today having got this far and the weekend will be ok so I can say 11 days.

So 11 days of not losing money, but I have lost confidence and self-esteem. I am operating like a programmed robot telling myself continually 'thou shalt not gamble'.

To continue in this mode means I don't lose money and pay back debts but takes away the main thing in my life which I look forward to and the main thing I have which relieves boredom and stress by replacing it with excitement,

Yo,

No faltering today !

Bloody marvellous . You can do this , picture in your mind the weight taken off your shoulders when you are dept free .

Then well you will have the dosh to take flying lessons , take up sky diving , climb a mountain, trek through rain forests . Who knows ?

Shiny xx

Day 10

I go for a run - I'd rather be gambling

I do my housework - I'd rather be gambling

I tidy my garden - I'd rather be gambling

I read my book - I'd rather be gambling

I will watch TV later but I'd rather be gambling

Since stopping for 10 days my confidence and well being have suffered and instead of thinking about my next bet I'm just continually sad that I can't gamble.

My life isn't great but there are reasons for that which are not connected with gambling. Gambling won't make my life any better so i am not gambling today but still analysing the bigger picture.

Proud o you captain.

Keep fighting mate,it will get easier.

10 days and counting,its good your posting here regular instead of gambling.

that was one way I arrested this by logging on if and when the urges hit.

keep at it friend.

Best wishes,

Winning post

captain.

some truly wise words from the honourable winning post today.

just to add, I have a twenty foot square concrete garden, full of pots, blackcurrant bush, an old pallet turned into a strawberry planter, some beans,peas and this year i have half a dozen tomato plants in the conservatory i am determined to actually end up with some to eat lol!! and the kitchen window has lettuce and basil growing all from lidl for less than ten quid for the seeds. i am reading a book, Danny bakers autobiography, i have laughed alot reading it, then in a pile i have Bradley wiggins book and then Pete townsends autobiography to read, tonight i am laying prostrate still watching the darts, a sport i never did bet on and adore.

why i hear you ask am i telling you all this??

because pre abstinence i would tonight have been sat infront of an fobt, well if i hadn't already done todays walk of shame, potless again, then sat at home self loathing, formulating a way to bulls#it my way out of todays loss or formulating tomorrows revenge on the fobt, which would result in the same cycle of destruction.

So today my glass is for sure half full.

I totally understand recovery is bespoke, but through sharing experiences of other folk in abstinence when i started my journey this time, kept left me thinking.

"i am gonna have some of that"

oh and to boot i ordered Louis van gaal's book today for 1pence from amazon. time to feed the football brain, I even googled coaching badges today !!! why not i ask.

Sorry to ramble, it may be the tramadol lol

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Day 11

wp / Dunc - thanks for posts of support. Dunc - it's ok to ramble no problem !

Just to clarify guys I read a lot of books now and for the past 3 years or so have replaced the majority of my gambling time with other activity, albeit some of it is quite mundane.

What I crave now is my regular daily fix. Let's say on average I spent 40 mins a day gambling. I miss that just now. If I have my daily fix, all the other things I do in life seem better. The really annoying thing is I can have my daily fix for say 28 days out of 30 then I for whatever reason turn into a gambling maniac for 2 days and lose everything I have in a couple of hours on those 2 days. With the majority of my gambling activity ok and under control, is it any wonder I debate whether stopping completely is correct versus just somehow eliminating the couple of hours of compulsive maniac behaviour once a month?

Day 14

No urges since last Thursday, feel more determined at the moment so hopefully this is my time.

General health and well being continue to suffer though, feel drained, guess a lot of addicts feel like this after going cold turkey from their addiction. It like only gambling was holding my life together but at the same time pulling it apart.

Confidence level has dropped, Said many times that gambling wins and buzzes enabled me to perform better at work. (Of course after losses I struggled to perform.)

During this period of abstinence I have a couldnt care less attitude and lack any enthusiasm or willingness to voice my opinion. I attend meetings where my input is expected and I am contributing little. From that perspective not gambling at all and losing are the same.

Hey Capt,

“It like only gambling was holding my life together but at the same time pulling it apart.”

Your describing addiction here and i can relate 100%

Your basically saying that if you don’t gamble you don’t have your MOJO (even a word? I just see Austin Powers!) and this may be true, but you don’t know what happens after a year or two years I suppose what I’m saying is that maybe with a long period of abstinace it will come back.

“I attend meetings where my input is expected and I am contributing little. From that perspective not gambling at all and losing are the same.”

IMO the above is bullsh*t ! why don’t you just prepare for your meetings a bit more thoroughly?

Stick at it Capt, have read your diary for years and i can see the progress your making.

Thanks again for the support.

Hi captain

Like many love ur honesty in ur posts and find myself agreeing with plenty me what u say , I av been on here 17 months and had 4 relapses and av found it a real struggle at times , its a real learning curb when slipping the one good thing we av in common is we dont give up

I find this site so inspiring and has helped me so much the unity it brings can only help us all goin forward , ur influence and experience is so valuable to the contribution u bring to this site , I hope u can input that into ur own recovery its a rare gift when u can help and inspire others

Be proud of that

Castle2

Hi Captain,

That quote Defeated's picked out above is really good - and I really like the point he makes about re-gaining your MOJO. You seem constantly frustrated that your life is empty and boring without gambling - claiming you cannot live without it. I reckon CGs on here are split into two categories - those who suddenly feel this weight lifted when they stop, whose lives improve (financially / socially, whatever) within days, weeks or months. Then the second category like us - where there is no 'epiphany', no fanfare, no fantastic realisation that life is great. We might feel anxious, stressed, depressed, bored, aimless, and gambling is no longer there to plug the gap.

But Defeated is right. You are addicted to gambling, and perhaps have never given yourself a long enough period abstaining to come out the other side. Your whole existence is so reliant and accustomed to it that a few months 'resisting' may not be the answer.

Last week I was on holiday, so I skimmed the forum a couple of times, but did not post. I read this from you - "Oh yeah I'm going on holiday in October so I'll just live this boring, mundane flat life for 4 months and look forward to that, tremendous... all because I cant control my gambling for one day a month on average."

Part of me wanted to say: "Yeh - exactly! Too right! Get over it!" simply because it smacked of feeling slightly sorry for yourself. It doesn't matter that you gamble sensibly for 90% of the time... I do exactly the same. The last 5-10% kills me though, and brings me back here. You have proved time and time again that you CANNOT carry on your pattern. As Einstein said, the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

Anyway - I didn't make that comment because it would have been insensitive and unhelpful. I do not want to prescribe how you should be managing your recovery, these things are bespoke after all. I'll just say again... that my recovery can never be like yours. However bored, depressed or detached I feel, I can't gamble - regardless of where it is / what I'm betting on / how small the stakes. I am an adult, and I must take that decision.

Keep posting mate; I wish you all the best

D123

Day 15

Defeated / Castle / D123 - thanks for posts, appreciated.

Defeated - loving the term not having my MOJO - thats a very apt description of how I feel at the moment. Thats where my quote about not contributing at meetings comes in - I know the subject matter, I've prepared, but when the time comes I just dont have the enthusiasm within me to contribute in the way I should - lack of mojo.

So good to read that you feel I am making good progress - sometimes think the only person who believes that is myself, but I am a completely diffefrent person to the one who logged on here 3 years ago and have made massive changes.

Castle - good to read that you value my input and contribtions .

D123 - agree with your classification of the two categories, never been close to the ephiphany category.

Encouraging to read that many others are like me and only the 10% of their gambling time gives them a problem. For a while all I read seemed to be about those who had stopped versus those still gambling and the ones still gambling feeling that the gambling was a problem every time.

15 days in - cant go back to the pattern I followed before, no inclination to gamble for almost a week now.

Day 16

Getting a bit fed up counting each day but sticking to the recommendation.

Monthly payday for me today but no inclination to gamble, not sure why.

Day 17

Nothing new to report, wonder if I really need to post every day if nothing changes.

Still flat and lifeless but only 1 urge in 17 days is surprising.

Am I really in recovery this time or just saving up for a big blowout on a future day?

Do I have determination or is it just resignation?

Morning captain

Picked up ur post on Devonians thread and again read with interest , I share the view that we can't be cured the phrase I always use is I can never beat gambling but will try my hardest to make sure it doesn't beat me , many do av the view and belief that they can beat it , who are we to judge the answer is we can't cut what we can do is share our wealth of experience and pass it on to others , in a way helping others to watch the possible pitfalls that lie ahead

Been supportive is important and thats just sometimes is what is required to the individual but sometimes it just has to be said how it is and thats where I admire ur honesty it brings great debate to this forum and that can only be healthy

As for how ur feeling right now I can't start to tell u how many times I av been there just goin through the motions , I feel quite good and positive at the moment but was on my knees exactly 4 weeks ago , I guess we post as we just hang in there knowing its the right thing to do for our recovery knowing it may cushion the fall if it comes

Keep posting

Castle2

Thanks for response Castle.

note to myself and for others ref my post on different gambling triggers for me:

(i) Stress and boredom

(ii) discontent i.e. when not bored or stress but just need some 'buzz' and cant see anything else in life to give me that feeling,

(iii) the dream of winning money, which succeeds for a time before all the cards fall down. (My disasterous spell as a professional gambler would have been fine if I had discipline and wasnt a CG )

(iv) As an escape - to disappear into a parallel world where you can be the person you think you want to be rather than who you are

(v) To feel important, increase your self-confidence, feel successful, receive praise and congratulations from others, as you are not experiencing these thing in real life....I have got all these feelings from being in a bookmakers many times but only when I am winning of course