This is my 2nd diary. During my last period of abstinence (2017 I think) I managed 364 days GF. I have messed up several times since then. I added a post to my old diary today, which I will copy below, however, this time I am taking the step I was afraid to take last time. I am registering with Gamstop. Yes, everyone advised me (thank you, and sorry I did not take your advice) , but something stopped me. I think I was reluctant to admit that I couldn't just be 'normal', that I wasn't strong enough to just walk away. I am back, humbled and humiliated by my own arrogance. I cannot just walk away. I cannot teach myself to be 'normal' with gambling.
Here is the post I just wrote on my old diary. May it remind me how much gambling controls my mind and my mood, and therefore my life:
I've done it again. In fact, in the time since I last logged in, I have had to self-exclude twice.
I am now in the position where I have blown all last month's 'non-essential' money and I have done the same with this month's. I feel so low. And of course the voice is still there to just make one more bet. I know I am in the irrational state of mind just now, hence my reluctance to self-exclude again or look at it squarely in the face. What am I so afraid of? When I stopped gambling for a year 2017-2018, I felt so free from it eventually. The temptation really did leave me alone. Why can't I just trust in this again? I want to stop, but I don't.
I know the machines are rigged. I know the only one who wins is the casino. I know that the chances of me winning back everything I have lost are next to none (but that little tiny odd is what is torturing me now). I just want to feel free and stable again. I have many interests and I can't spend any money on them for 2 months now. One of them, ironically, may even supplement my income from employment and bring some extra cash in. But I am... what, impatient? Greedy? Lazy? Why do I want the instant money. I am a hard worker from a hard working family, but I feel like I have become unworthy of that title. Throwing away money as if it is trash. I am not even materialistic! I don't care for 'things'. I don't know why I want all these wins, there aren't really any big purchases I'd like to make, with the exception of perhaps my first home. And the chances of winning enough money for that are virtually nil, and the chances of never getting out of debt enough to get a mortgage are high. I can see the irrationality, but I still want to make one.more.bet. I'm so ashamed of myself. And ashamed of my self-pity. And I'm angry. Angry at how rich I have made casino and bingo sites, while I am sitting with £160 in my account to last 3 weeks. And angry at myself because it's all my fault.
Sorry, I just needed to get this out. I don't know what I am going to do. I just closed an account that I blew £100 in the last few hours. But the sick voice is still booming in my head.
I have completed all fields for the GAMSTOP registration. I am now hovering over the self-exclusion time period options. Obviously 6 months feels nicer than 1 year, and 1 year nicer than 5 years. But realistically, if I haven't learned to walk away in 8 years, what are the chances of me learning to walk away in 6 months or 1 year? I have to just do it don't I?
Still hovering... God, what is so scary about "5 years"? I guess I am still having irrational thoughts about that slim chance of winning again. But what IS "winning"? There is a site with a very helpful calculation which shows you the ratio of deposits to withdrawals. It showed that I had deposited £3000 more than I had withdrawn. When I seen that I made a promise to myself that if I doubled my deposit, through wins I would withdraw 50% of the balance. I probably managed to do this roughly 5 times out of 5000. I thought that bingo sites would be safer with chat moderators and stuff, but it's all the same slots with all the same effects on your brain chemistry. I marvelled at those in the chat box who bragged about their winnings (read: their ability to win and withdraw, instead of gambling away their winnings) and wondered why it was never me. I don't want to be different. But I am, and I have to accept that. I will never be able to walk away. Repeat: I will never be able to walk away.
A little voice is saying that if I could just be more determined then I could walk away. But my thresholds for 'when' to walk away always get higher. "I'll withdraw away when my balance is £50", "I'll withdraw when my balance is £100" blah blah blah on and on and on. I lie to myself. I am still lying to myself. This illusion that I have any control in the first place, is a lie. It's just so unfair.
OK, enough wallowing. Back to GAMSTOP.
"What's the minimum time you want self-exclusion to last?"
I have no choice really, do I? ......... deep breath ..........
"5 years". f***! "We were unable to verfiy your details online"!!!!!
I think I spent so much time wavering and hovering my email verification may have expired. Will try again before I change my mind (can feel it changing already).
On my 3rd attempt to get verified online with GAMSTOP....
Now on livechat....
*crawling out my skin waiting*
Livechat have just asked me to clear browsing history and try again. Hoping I can maintain my resolve.
OK, so GAMSTOP emailed me a link to upload my ID documents to verify my identity. I have now done this. Hopefully it won't take long. Not sure I can breathe out until I know I am excluded.
I'm all for freedom, but I really gambling should be illegal. It is profiteering off of people who are vulnerable (for whatever reasons). I never even knew I was vulnerable until age 30. I read an article recently which estimated that around 60% of casino profits are generated by those with problem gambling or addiction. That's abuse!
GAMSTOP have confirmed that they have received my ID documents and they have been sent to management for processing.
How do I feel? Could be worse, could be better, but the important thing is it's not going to GET worse.
This is the biggest step I've ever taken to stop gambling. Underneath the angst, there is a little beacon of achievement. And I'll probably sleep better tonight. I did one day short of a year before, now I can do 5.
Hope everyone is doing OK today, no matter what stage you are at.
Hi lights out, you will feel pain for a few days and then massive relief in a few weeks with gamstop. I was exactly the same, coming here posting about being too scared to do gamstop. Afraid of not having access to gambling after such a long time. I did it in January after a loss I could no longer afford, I’m on 45 days gamble free and I can honestly say it’s such a relief to have that access blocked. It really takes the temptation away. I only did a year but I’m going to extend it immediately, online gambling is just far too accessible and contributed massively to my problem worsening so much - larger amounts, more frequency etc. I agree, it should be banned. We are brave for coming here, a lot more people will be joining as lockdown only worsening the situation. See it for what it is, an expensive mistake and an illness.
Thank you for your support and advice Hiddenaddict. 45 days? Good job indeed! Yes, I have been thinking about how many gambling problems have been 'created' by people at home who don't know they are vulnerable (like I didn't at age 30), who think they can just have a wee flutter, but for whom it turns into an full blown compulsion/addiction. I hope they come here for support. I do feel that sense of relief already today, knowing I have no access and the money I have left is safe.
Day 2
So I woke up to 8 emails from gambling sites telling me I have been excluded/suspended/closed etc. It was interesting as I didn't expect them to contact me. I know I have signed up to way more than 8 (as I tried matched betting a few years ago which was of course an epic fail because I am a compulsive gambler). Anyway, I had mixed feelings about this at first, but now I feel OK about it.
Overall I am feeling relieved and less anxious today. GAMSTOP was a brilliant idea. I was reluctant to admit that I needed control taken from me (it's humiliating isn't it?) but I am not going to let my pride get in the way of my progress. If I had registered with GAMSTOP the last time my gambling spiralled, I wouldn't be here this time. So it was absolutely the right thing to do.
I had a fleeting thought about gambling this morning, but nothing major and it passed as soon as I remembered that I have no access.
I'm having strange thoughts about 'what will I do with my money'? I can't remember what I did with my money before my addiction reared its head 8 years ago. Maybe what is underlying that thought is actually 'how will I get a buzz'. I wonder if there is something of the thrill-seeker in us gamblers. I'll need to think on how to manage this. Or maybe that over-activated reward system will settle back into a normal level the longer I abstain and I will not be looking for the next thrill. Be satisfied with more measured stimulating activities, like art (which I love).
Hope everyone is doing the best they can do today - I am with you, doing the best I can do.
Hello @Lightsout,
I just wanted to say thank you for posting about your thoughts and feelings as you signed up for Gamstop, and the ways that you rationalised your gambling in your head and how that didn't work for you. I think it's helpful for anyone who is turning over the decision of whether to sign up to Gamstop and for how long.
And thank for you for persevering when the system wasn't able to verify your identity online right away. Sometimes that happens, and then Gamstop's advisers are there to help you verify in other ways as you discovered. But a lot of people might be tempted to give up and not persevere. Your feedback shows how quickly the self-exclusion can take effect when you see it through.
If you feel like strengthening the blocks even further, give us a call on 0808 8020 133 or Livechat, and we'll give you a link to get Gamban blocking software for free. You can have it installed on up to 15 devices for up to 5 years.
Finally, it might be worth asking your bank if they can block gambling transactions as many can these days.
Keep posting about your progress - even if things get tough we're here for you.
Best wishes
Deirdre
Forum Admin
Thank you for you kind support and advice Deirdre.
Day 3
I am having urges this morning. But I can't act on them (thank you GAMSTOP), so I know it'll be OK. I'm also starting to feel more connected with my rational thoughts, so I think the fog is starting to lift. Been going to bed earlier (because I am not staying up gambling) which is feeling better also. It's nice to waking up to the dread of the damage I may have done the night before. Waking up knowing that there is some money in my bank. Done some figures yesterday and worked out that I have around £700 disposable left after paying bills/debts (not including food, travel, etc).
This is definitely enough to start making a dent in my gambling-related debt. I never used cards to gamble with but when I'd gambled all my disposable, I would use my credit card for food and whatever other things were needed. Sometimes for the odd bill. I had managed to not use my card for a year last year because I was excluded from my favourite site, but of course as soon as that exclusion was lifted, I just get back into the same cycle. And I was far less luckier than before. They spoke to me to check I didn't have a problem when I contacted them to come back, and I was suspicious that they had put some limits on my account to limit how much I won because it was really dire in comparison to before. Who knows, who cares. I don't need to worry about this anymore. I'm not rich by any manner of means, but I am lucky to still have a job in this current climate and I am grateful for that. Hopefully I can start to respect money again.
Best wishes to everyone on this journey with me - we've got this!
Day 3 cont'd ....
Actually feeling quite low now after bouncing out of bed this morning. The sun is shining and I should be happy, but I'm really flat. I guess this is the 'comedown'. I feel very unmotivated and sluggish. And antisocial. Hope my brain remembers how to rebalance itself after the chemical pounding it's had from my recent gamble-fest.
Day 4
I had some urges to gamble last night, but they didn't last long because I knew I was blocked, so that was good. And I got to bed early again because there was nothing to stay up, losing sleep for. I am happy about this, and hopefully my mood will improve over the next few days. No urges this morning at all.
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