Here I am. It has been a week since I wrecked havoc and chaos in my life. I put myself in an emotional concentration camp, burnt my fingers on the electric fence of the online roulette wheel. Twirled money..won back losses...didn't bank and lost and then lost so hard I even managed to extend my overdraft (instant decision allowed) just so that I could get my addictive fingers on another 3k and that overdraft lasted all of ten minutes. This white fire of addiction...addiction increases, gets worse, never diminishes and yet at the same time some inner worm, some diamond in the darkness was inching its way to break free with a message somewhere. Why is it taking me to this dark place in order to reproduce the pain, the exact helplessness of childhood trauma??? After twelve cans of cider (never my drink of choice!) and a bottle red wine and 5.5k down I almost ended things on Saturday....8.8.14 was a very grim day for me. I guess I have been in a gambling hangover ever since last Friday. I am sick and tired of feeling sick anmd tired but I haven't gambled..haven't drunk and tried to terminate a very needy co-dependent relationship which fuels all this. STOP STOP STOP. Okay then, how do I access normal? Content? Peace? When will the urge to f*** things up manifest again? In my parallel world I am doing callentics every day...happy in my own skin, calm balanced and having the wonderful life I deserve. I feel like I am in the T.S. Eliot place... "Rat's alley where the dead men lost their bones." WHY??????????????????????????????????? Help needed. Getting counselling but this emotional suicide has to stop. I need a route out of rat's alley back to a safe place where addiction doesn't live and I am happy to be safe not ready to wire it all up with landmines. I never realised how similar online roulette is to Russian roulette. I am haunted by the image in "The Deer Hunter" where they have been betting on him shooting himself....I never realised gambling obliterates peace of mind. I don't want to die. I wonder how long it shall be before gambling strips me of my creativity, my love of books, films, music and scabs me into a worm life. The co-dependent is a loser no hoper who has fed off my goodwill for 18 months now..he moonwalks through life and I have tried to shower him with goodwill...my light...my joy but he sucks it out of me....I try and put up my polite Jane Eyre/Austin type of defences. I live in a nice house on my own but he has pushed and pushed and pushed his clumsy thick way in. At least I managed to say to him yesterday "I can't do this ! " How can I have a relationship with a man who doesn't even own a fridge ???!!!!!! He lives in a horrible area and it must be a nice jolly coming out to my lovely home in a lovely place. Yes I still have my home but I know he was whooping with delight when I lost big because he thought (actually admitted this) that he hoped it would mean I would have to go and live in his horrible little place with the bars across the door...the no hopers..the boozers..the losers...theose who don't even try to better themselves...where the shop lifters sell their wares in the local pubs and to be honest people aren't stressed because they can drug their way out of it....self medicate on booze and loose. Help. After writing this I suddenly have gratitude. I have to cut the chord with this man. He stalks me...I've barred my phone from him and he goes through cycles of ringing me, badgering me...the ne the fall out...then the making up...not been physical for months now. This is a man who is actually jealous when I stoke a MALE cat..he makes crazy loopy connections and is so jealous and paranoid that he even thought I was havbing an affair with my plumber just because I had left some underwear in the spare room and the plumber had left his toolbox there. This man comes from a desperate violent world and I was at school with him...I hooked up with him a year and a half ago because he was the c**k of the school....the toughest guy..the one I had been most terrified of and HOW POWERFUL I HAVE FELT when drunk and disorderly I have B***ocked him and made him scared and timid...back to roulette. I see more links now. The desperate, helpless child who was denied control and treats and lived in fear (back to worms again but my esteem was at worm level) at school and at home finds a means of control..it costs mind but I get to play roulette and my mother and brother are the blacks and reds on the wheel. My father is the zero, that's why I put 5 on him every spin just in case he comes up trumps for me...sometimes I win (e.g. sometimes Mummy is nice to me) and sometimes I lose (mummy is nasty to me). This all mimics my early life. My father put me on a pedestal...my brother psan me around on it and my mother pushed me off it. I guess I AM THE METAL BALL of the roulette wheel being tossed and turned...but I pay for this...I didn't have money as a hcild so I paid with my self worth...sometimes high and sometimes low but all the time I was being controlled. So I play online roulette in an attempt to redress the balance. This time self worth equates to money. My money my earned income. I am so uncomfortable with money. I am frightened of it..always have been...scared of my own success (following on from the idea that money represent self worth). Spend it on others...give it away....and all this creates sticky emotional glue..glumping me down in my own battlefield. Again, back to the war analogy. I am in the mid flats of some emotional vietnam (back to The deerhunter) as a girl born in 1968 after the summer of love but hang on...that makes me 46??? I can't be...I have so many arrests in my devleopment that I write this now feeling 15..always arounf 15 stuck in teenage hurt pain and rejection. I wasn't a bad teenager really but once one's self worth is at worm level from years of family violence (when we sold the house every door had been slammed so many times they hung off their hinges) HOW CAN I ACCESS CALM???? I have spun the wheel again...emotionally only there are no bets this isn't real play anymore..or is it? I am so confused. The roulette wheel of addiction mimics so closely the wheel of family life. I hope these hastily rattled out words offer some help.
Hi Geminijane
Welcome to the forum and well done for finding the strength to post what you have
As you have found gambling is an awful addiction that will only bring pain and misery to our lives , here we can all relate to that and understand how you are feeling no one will judge you only support and at this moment in time that's what you need , many of us here have had to hit rock bottom and many have been in the position you are in , the money hurts bout it's only money it can be replaced you cannot be replaced suicide is permanent solution to a temporary problem , gambling has made you feel this way don't let it beat you
You have made the first steps by seeking help that tells me still have strength in you and are ready to fight there are many people out there who don't have that quality and carry on gambling ignorant of their addiction
Read plenty of diaries get support and support others similar to yourself , stay close to your diary and make full use of it
I wish you all the best in your recovery
Castle2
Hi
The motivation I use to keep away from gambling is remembering the sick, sick feeling after a big loss.
You know, the one where you walk around like a zombie for days and days.
Shaun
HI there, I feel much stronger now that I have shared my story. Thank you both fory our support. x
Hiya,
congratulations on taking the first step towards freedom!
i have found this forum so much help, reading others posts and finally realising that I'm not the only one like this!
good luck and positive thinking!
Laura x
Hi GeminiJane
Your post is obviously from the heart and I can feel your pain. On here, we all have our own private hells and I admire you for sharing yours with us.
You have come to a safe haven where you are not alone. There is so much support and encouragement here, I felt like I had come home when I found this site. A safe home where we can admit what we have done and the desperation that goes with it. A place where we can heal and not be judged for our past. For it is our past now. We call all move forward to a brighter future. It may be a poorer future but it is one without shame, guilt, despair and sleepless nights. We are strong and together can beat this thing.
"Dear Past, thank you for the lessons.
Dear Future, I am ready."
Take care.
Elfie x
Dear Elfie...had a few problems getting back online but was so comforted to read your post. I like writing to the past and future "Dear self, I forgive and accept you just as you are"...feels hard to say but with practice it should ge easier xxx
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