Lost everything and i deserve it

Firstly welcome to the forum. The process of telling a loved one of your addiction is a pГ inful experience which a lot of us on here have experienced. My wife stayed with me fortunately but not all "posters" are quite as lucky.

I am just going to mention a few points you may wish to consider over the next few days.

You mention debt. If it is not manageable think about a debt management plan. Mine is with a company called stepchange.

Can you hand finances over to someone so for a while you have no access to cards or cash. No money = no gamble.

Self exclude from bookmakers?

Download blocking software to your laptop or smartphone which can block gambling sites.

Ring gamcare - they can refer you to counselling which really helped me.

Have you thought of attending Ga?.

As i said just a few steps which may prove to your partner your intent to stop.

You are not alone in this and the next few weeks will be difficult. Keep posting here and read other diaries for advice.

Best wishes

The best thing you ever did was confess to this ugly addiction now. I am hoping your honesty and her feelings for you will see you through these bad times. You may feel bad inside but trust me honesty it the way forward in your relationship.

Keep strong

Thank you for your kind words balvaird.

Since the last post ive told my family aswell and gave my mam my bank card passport and driving licence so i cannot access any money whatsoever.

Tomorrow i getting intouch with stepchange to set up a debt managment plan

Ive self excluded myself form all my local areas within around 30mile radius. I know i can drive but now my mam has my money so i couldnt if i wanted to. Also closed all my online accounts.

I mentioned GA to my fiancee by text and she doesnt like the idea incase im lead astray into gambling again but i thought it would be quite helpfull myself.

Also one of the things she did whilst she was angry at me when i told her was book me a councellor in 3 weeks time. I dont deserve her at all. Shes one in a million.

Your wife sounds like a star aswell btw it probably effects them more than us, i found that out today when i seen how much pain my fiancee was in.

Thanks for the post and il keep updated. Good luck on your journey

I hope that aswell mate. Thanks for your kind words. It really helps.

Good luck on your journey also

Thanks for the reply half life i appreciate it. Im willing to give anything a try and your right ive got nothing to lose. If she still wants anything to do with me il explain to her it might help.

Regards

Day 2. Just woke up in a really good mood for a few seconds until i remembered about the heartache i caused loved ones yesterday. Now back in the dumps. Gunna use today to get my debts in order by ringing stepchange. Also need to pop to b&q for some wood to fix my bed as one of the lats have snapped. Last night i recieved a huge boost as my fiancee came to visit me on her way back from her friends house and told me she doesnt know if she can trust me again however she does want to help me get better. The thought of gambling again makes me feel sick. Been reading a few diarys on here for inspiration and was very moved by sabines diary. Also balvairds diary was very inspirational, those are the footsteps i want to follow in. Im 24 years old and ive gambled since i was 19. Im not gunna waste another second of my life gambling. Past few days ive had the biggest wake up call ive had in my life.

Stay strong everybody

Day 3. Seems everytime i wake up for the 1st few minutes i think my life is normal again and all of a sudden like a huge black rain cloud comes over and its back to reality. Havent seen my fiancee in a few days now as she is still trying to get her head around things. Makes me feel dreadfull that ive turned her world upside down. Had a few texts off her saying that shes never gunna be able to trust me again and she feels shes talking to a stranger who she doesnt know anymore. Hearing this had absolutley killed me inside. I dont deserve her. The thought of gambling makes me sick to the stomach because its well and truelly ruined my life. Im 24 years of age and have worked every day since i left school and all i have to show for it is 6k of debt.

Today ive tried to keep myself busy by helping my mam mow the lawn and tidy the garden. Then ive took the dog for a walk along the river now my plan for tonight is to make some tea and get an early night as im meeting my fiancee tomrrow as she wants me to tell her everything about my gambling.

As for urges go, i havent had a single urge yet as my main reason for gambling was to win back what i had lost to pay off my debts so i was in the green before people found out about my past. Mainly my other half. And because now she knows about it i feel thers nothing to gamble for. I know its very early days and im not gunna get complaicent. I have put blocks in order to deal with the days i get urges. The main thing is i have no access to my bank card to withdraw any or my id to go to the bank to get any. My debts are now on the way to getting sorted into a managable payment plan. Im off work at the moment so i need to keep busy to occupy my mind because all i can think about is the pain ive caused.

il check in tomorrow

Keep up the good work everybody and dont let the monster into your mind

6 days no gamble.

Thanks for the reply half life it really helps getting advice from someone who is dealing with their partner going thru it so i get a rough idea how mine is feeling.

Still no urges have came my way. Seen my fiancee a few times over the weekend. Kept really busy by doing chores and lots of dog walking. On lateshift this week so need to keep busy thru the day. Finding it such a relief that i have no control over my money anymore. Family go away friday so im gunna fill my car up before they go and thats me sorted for the week.

Hope everybody had a good gamble free weekend

Hi Nick

Take a look at my diary. I know exactly what your going through at the moment and can completely relate to the hurt you have have caused to the people you love the most.

You have definitely done the right thing in telling everyone now. I know at the moment 6k seems like alot of money, and it is, but it's not an amount that can't fix. Your partner won't trust you for a very long time but one thing you have on your side is that you came clean and went to her for help. She is going through alot right now and will have alot of questions that need answering. You should answer them all 100% honestly. Don't lie about anything. When she says jump you say how high and after a while she will learn to trust you again.

It may seem all doom and gloom at the moment but that day where you came clean will turn out to be one of the best days of your life. As long as you stay committed and give back the effort that your partner is giving to you by standing by you.

I told my partner almost a year ago that I was 20k in debt and since I told her, we have got married, brought a house and now have a baby on the way. That is what I mean when I say the day I came clean and hurt her was the best day in my life. If I wouldn't have told her when I did, I can guarantee you that I would have missed out on all of that!

Stay strong and if you ever need advice then throw me a line.

Dan

Day 20

Just checking in to update my diary. The last 2 weeks have been totally gamble free. Havent gave it any thought whatsoever. Been keeping myself busy by exercising and doing overtime at work to speed up the DEBT FREE goal which is really helping. Not having control of my finances is going great aswell as the past 2 weeks i have only spent money on petrol and food. No luxuries. Funny thing is im not finding not having money in my pocket hard at all because even when i did have access to money i was in debt anyway so it felt like i had none then. My fiancee has been amazing towards me and been very supportive. The first week was tough for her but now we are working things out and its going well. Im more determined than ever to win her trust back and get my life back in order.

Not even the start of the football season nor UFC 202 has tempted me for a bet. My feelings towards gambling atm is the same as day 1 just feel sick at the thought of it. I know its still early days tho so still taking 1 day at a time.

Hope everyone is doing well

Well done Nick!!!!

Keep strong and your life will start to take a much better shape now you have ever made the best decisions.

If you fiancГ© ever needs a bit of help, if she ever finds it hard, then get her to read my diary and get her to relate to the positives that have come from my life by me making the same decision you did a few weeks back.

The hardest times have now past. There is light at the end of the tunnel and now all you have to do is keep those blinkers on and keep focused. Focus is now key.

A tip I like to give is to reward yourself for reaching landmarks and celebrate them with your partner.

For example, when you reach 50 days, go out for a nice meal, just the two of you, paid for by the savings of you not gambling. Same again for 100 days etc and get yourself a big present for 365 days. I'm not far from 365 but I've decided I'm guna buy the babies pram and call that my "big gift".

Of course, do what works for you but this is one way it helped me get through the weeks!!

Your doing well buddy!! Keep it up!!

Dan

Hello everyone. Ive realised i havent posted for a few month. I wanted to keep it a regular thing however ive found i hard as ive kept myself so busy with mainly working lots of overtime and the loss of my beloved Nanna. However im delighted to announce im gamble free for 86 days! I got quite a shock when i logged in tonight and seen that on my profile! I cannot begin to describe how much my life has changed for the better in the past few month. For starters me and my Fiancee are doing very well because she is an amazing woman who has been so kind to me and helped me so much in my recovery. Secondly, im much more happy in general because my addiction is out in the open and loved ones have been very supportive. A big reason for my change of mood also is the fact that ive been able to reduce my debt by roughly £2700 within 3 month due to working extra hours at work and not being in control of my money and im schedualed to be totally debt free by march next year which feels like the light at the end of the tunnel.

As for urges ive had none whatsoever, which i put down to seeing my debt slowly dissapearing and not looking at it thinking i need to gamble to reduce it before anyone finds out esp my Fiancee.

Ive also started councelling sessions for my addiction to keep me firmly on the right path and for guidence if anything as she is very experienced in this addiction.

Im not out the woods in any strech of the imagination but i am finding life more enjoyable. Being able to plan for the future aswell is a very exciting thing.

I hope everyone is doing well and im looking forward to catching up on peoples diarys.

Regards,

95 days Gamble free!

Things have been going according to plan lately and today was a massive day for me. Me and my fiancee have been accepted for a mortgage to buy our 1st home. Something i never thought was possible due to the payday debt hell i got myself in as i used gambling to try and get out of. Ive payed back nearly £3000 now and its done my credit a world of good.

Im so happy with my new life of not gambling and not having to lie to cover up my mess.

In 5 days time it will be 100 days since i came clean and i certainly didnt think it at the time but is the best decision ive made in my life. To think what position i would be in if i hadnt isnt worth thinking of at all.

Hope everyone is doing well with their recoverys.

Regards
Nick

Dude, i see what ur aiming for.

I understand.