Lost the plot...so back.

I was sorry to hear about Pat's slip. But, to be honest, I can see it happening to any of us. I certainly do not feel 100% in control at the moment. I am just trying to keep focused on my work and on my family life. I do feel as if something is missing from my life sometimes. I am not saying it is gambling, but some form of excitement is missing. Anyway, I am currently just going through the motions towards 1 year without gambling. Fingers crossed.

10 months 1 week

New CC arrived; debts still being shuffled and managed, but the trend is very slowly downwards. Gambling is off the cards for now, but is dominating my dreams big time. I probably dream about it every other night. Last night I dreamt that I watched someone pumping loads of money in a bandit, waited til they walked away, put in a tenner and selected a pound a play, and got three bells - jackpot, £800. I was delighted. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the dreams.

Hey Jim,

Good to see your still going strong and the debts are coming down. I hate gambling dreams, i never sleep well through them where i know im supposed to be abstaining and i'm watching myself gamble. Unfortunately i see people pump money into the machine at work knowing it would pay and just smile, remember the program and not play remembering that i am a CG.

All the best

Keith

10 months 1 and a half weeks

One of the (rare) good things about my recent losses and debt has been my learning about money and how to save it. I am quite canny these days. Not about normal things - I would never deny myself a pint, or an ice-cream if I fancied it. In fact,these days I probably treat myself more. But, in the immediate aftermath of my blowout last year I was forced to find ways of saving money quickly. To this end I found a 0% CC, I changed my house and car insurance and made a significant saving on both (I halved my home ins), paying fully with the 0% CC to save the interest I would have paid if I'd paid by installments. I also redoubled my efforts to grow my own food, to the point that I rarely buy any veg these days. I also do most basic repairs to my car, have painted and decorated much of the house this year, made a themed bed for my eldest (with some success, I should modestly add) and even repaired the dishwasher. I also bulk-buy when there is a v attractive promotion on on the supermarkets. Not the 'pretend' promotions, where they say it's half price but it isn't really, but I check out the websites and find the real ones. For example, a well-known supermarket has currently got a promotion on premium bottled ales - 4 for £5. And good ales as well, the 5- 6.5% range. I generally buy these anyway, but pay nearly twice as much. So, I bought 96 of these today. No, I won't drink any more than usual, I'm quite disciplined in that respect. But it will genuinely save me £100. That is added to the various bags of rice, toilet rolls and cereals (my son demands cheerios every morning, so a recent half-price offer yielded a dozen of these) and other things that don't need to be bought on a weekly basis (meat, veg, fruit) and have a long best-before date. If I hadn't put myself in such a pickle, I would just have blithely carried on as before, never looking at a price.

Hopefully when things get back to normal, this is one thing I'll keep. If I hadn't laden myself with the debt I'd be miles ahead by now.

Well, my turn to sweat a little now. After commenting on NT's diary, I've got my own unavoidable and unexpected big bill to meet.

It will set me back in the region of £700, possibly more.

i can just about standit, but it just proves that you should never reckon without the unexpected. Good job my recovery has freed up a little slack in my finances.

10 months 2 weeks

Spent nearly a grand this week; illness in the family meant I had to spend £700 on immediate travel (abroad), and unfortunately I bought an expensive mattress earlier this week because ours is knackered and my OH insisted that we bought a good one. I will recover from it - I had over £100 in my wallet because my 'austerity measures' and debt switching is starting to bear fruit - but it will add time to my debt repayment. Obviously I don't begrudge spending on the former, but the mattress could've waited if I'd known.

On the positive side, it's now very likely that I'll get a £1500 'boost' next week. In fact, I'm counting on it, although it isn't a certainty just yet.

I wish I could hate gambling, or even just be neutral about it. Unfortunately I miss it, although I'm determined not to gamble while I have these debts. (And beyond, but 'forever' is too big a concept to *****).

**edit - don't know why it's censoring that word - g r a s P

Hi mate, hope the Family illness is not too serious.

On the new mattress money well spend could do with doing the same myself.

Am still waiting for day 1 to start again last bet was a few days ago but to be honest I don't think I'm done. Its such a mugs game and right now I am being such a mug.

hi Pat,

The illness is serious unfortunately, OH's side of the family. Will continue to concentrate on talking about gambling and my debts on this diary, though. s**t in real life just has to be dealt with, no matter how unpleasant.

Can't gamble at the mo, in charge of the eldest while the OH is away. Had to take time off work to babysit, and rope in my geriatric parents in to do some evening duties.

Some good news finally - money came through today, £2,300, £800 more than I expected. Will sleep on what to do with it exactly and post my reassessed debts after the weekend. Weirdly, spent £700 on illness-related things this week, so it all squares up.

Pat, I've emailed you. Please, don't stop trying to stop. I'm sure you know it'd help you get things in perspective a little if you talk about them. You could try reading back your own diary. Even if you're still gambling, better to keep a foot in the other camp than abandon it altogether. Anyway, my recovery is still tied up with yours, and it troubles me that you're incommunicado.

Sorry to hear about the family illness, but I am glad to hear that you got a significant financial boost this week. What good news that it was more than you expected; I did not realise that milkmen got bonuses! Make sure you put as much as possible towards hammering your debts. Just think, if we were in the gambling groove, we would throw that money away within hours, if not minutes. I hope you are now below the £10k debt threshold. I look forward to seeing your revised figures.

Countdown: 38 days to one year

re-read my diary today and realised it has become a debt recovery diary rather than a diary about my feelings about gambling. The first 64 days (which I had to delete) were much more raw; it's a shame they had to go, as I'd like to remind myself how desperate I was.

My feelings about gambling can be summarised like this: I miss it, very occasionally I crave it, but I'm too scared to do anything about it. I came so, so close to the edge that I need time away from it all to find out who 'I' am again, and to get my finances back on an even keel. I'm quite stubborn, and I think i'll probably succeed in remaining gamble-free until the debts have been shifted; after that, I'm not so sure. I have managed 'controlled gambling' for lengthy periods in the past, without any financial hardship. I know where it can lead though, and i know what i become when I'm in the clutches of the beast, so I'll just have to wait and see how I feel a year from now.

As for my debts, they are as follows (updated):

Debt 1, loan: £3,925

Debt 2, CC1 (0%) : £2,900

Debt 3 CC2 (0%0: £2,100

Bank a/c: £400 credit

Opening debt: £13,500

Current debt: £8525

Unfortunately, the boiler (central heating) failed today. It's already been repaired in the last two months, and I suspect it is on the way out. I had it in mind to save up and replace it next summer, but I might have to bite the bullet and do it nowish. however, things are moving in the right direction.

Hello milkman good to see your debts coming down.mines are way above that at present. But chipping away each month will eventually reap rewards. Not sure if even considering gambling when debt free is an issue. Would you want all this stress again ?

I'm currently sleeping on a bed settee which isn't the best but it saves me on buying a bed or settee so I think you are lucky in having a new mattress.

As for that word you wondered why deleted,there was some controversy on here a couple of years ago when some lads set up their own gambling recovery site and I think that is the name of their website ?

Anyways good to read you are well over 10 months bet free.

Best wishes.

Winning post

Hi MM

Sorry to hear of the family illness and it must be very difficult for the OH. Not even worth thinking of money on issues like this but you did manage to get a little extra bonus than you were expecting to compensate this.

I hear what your saying about missing gambling, I'm sure every single person on this site wishes they could have a punt, but its just not possible without serious consequences. Like wp says, would you want to go through all this again??

Well done on the gamble free time you have amassed, keep it going and keep watching debts come down.

Take care buddy

Keith

I hope all is well with you and that you are still gamble-free. Hey, you are closing in on a year! The debts will come down and you will feel better for it, I am sure. I am in the same situation as you. However, I feel two things about my recovery: 1) I am still obsessed with money, but debts rather than gambling, and I am concerned that once I am debt-free, I shall be tempted into gambling again to give myself something to do with my money. 2) I am bored and I need something in my life that combines my impulsive nature with my desire for a 'dirty secret'. At the moment my life is just plodding along with little excitement and I am not sure how best to handle it going forward. I feel I am living the life of a saint at the moment but with a devil locked-up inside me!

I think being obsessed with numbers is part of the gambling mindset. I know all of the bookmaker odds and their decimal conversions off by heart and can work out each-way returns in my head. At least my mental arithmetic improved during my time gambling. Despite being fairly astute and careful with money when not gambling, it is depressing to see what havoc a gambling binge causes: all common sense and appreciation of financial risk goes out the window to be replaced by totally reckless, risky and impulsive behaviour. It is no wonder we are in the mess in which we find ourselves.

30 days to one year

Central heating patched up again, but its days are numbered. Need to start saving now for a new one, possibly in November.

In answer to the comments above (thanks as always), I certainly would not like to go through all this again. Two crazy months' gambling, and two years to recover. Thousands lost forever and lots of self-denial. I was just recording my feelings, but I think I'm going to need a serious rethink as the debt-free time draws nearer.

For now, all good; too busy to gamble at the moment, a visitor from abroad here and a lot of extra work in other areas too. I'm so tired at the moment I can't summon the mental energy to begin to gamble. Roll on one year, my longest ever stint without gambling.