lost the plot..

Londonbloke.... good to see ya back.. even if its not under good circumstances.

If its any consolation, I have also been on a progressive gambling meltdown over the last few months and am only now getting back on the wagon (6 days clean).

I understand how difficult it is to give up the machines.

Please do fill them gaps my friend. At the very least its something to do to fill time instead of gambling

Look after yourself as best ya can... regards.. S.A

Thankyou S.A for your post a few weeks back..

I apologise that its taken me this long to reply after you took the time to say hello again after all this time..

I actually read your post in the early hours the day after you posted it..Then i sat here for god knows how long writing a reply and filling in the gaps of these last couple of years and then i hit something on my keyboard and deleted everything i had sat here thinking and writing about...

I was well P****d off at what i had done (i closed the wrong tab or something, i dunno) lost the bloody lot, everything i had written down..Anyway it did my head in and i left the site not in a good mood at all..

The following day instead of starting over and re-writing what i had lost, i went off on one yet again and went head first into gambling mode and thats where i have been from that day to this...

Anyway S.A i just wanted to pop in and say Thankyou....(it was doing my head in , me not replying).. I've just caught up with your diary and its good to read that things are looking up for you , sorry i missed your birthday and keep strong over the half term..

All the best

London bloke hi my name is Jenny and I just started reading your entire Diery through from the beginning back in 09 in the past week. Don't remember how I stumbled on it think I stumbled on your recent post and then decided to read the whole thing. Wow. You may not be feeling good about things at the moment, it doesn't sound like you are from your recent post, and I understand, is everything a person on here knows what it feels to be guided by gambling over and over again or we wouldn't be here! And I have many of the same struggles as you. But May I ask you to think about something? You have made several periods documented on here of 50+ days gambling free. That is a huge accomplishment. Let me say that again. It huge accomplishment. It shows that you can do it. So all that you have accomplished is not for nothing. Remind me of myself. A perfectionist. Once you screwed up you say what's the point I screwed it up. Look at the trends ; you had not made many gamble free day in a row then went to making a month and then almost 2 months.! Several times! So that is definitely a pattern of change for the better despite the slips in between and despite any recent slips or lifestyle backslide s. Please post a reply. Your story has inspired me. At times literally made me cry laugh smile, get inspired and everything in between! I've been riveted to your diary from the beginning of your story and it really bothers me that you have dropped off of here. Have you considered even when you're doing the gambling just posting that you've gambled is not wasting everyone's time as you said before, it is holding yourself accountable in posting in itself can lead to the desire to gamble less as you keep writing down your mistakes you see them more clearly and you get lots of support. I noticed a trend with your past diaries, when you posted more you started getting back on that horse more. Just some thoughts. We all miss your voice.

🙂

Hi mate,

Thought i'd put you on top of the pile...cos am cruel like that 😉

Take care my friend and as always am looking forward to reading your thoughts when the moment feels right for you.

Cheers for now

S.A 🙂

Thankyou Jenilee (jenny) and S.A for your kind replies.. reading what you both said , well it pretty much makes me feel ashamed of myself because its taken me this long to reply.. ..Thankyou both of you for taking the time to post....

I'm struggling here at the moment ...I'm having arguements with myself in my head as to why i came back and posted here again after all this time away...

During my time away from this site i long ago lost my job...i have also ended up in hospital 4 times now after being sectioned various times under the mental health act.....I really lost it , big time ..I wrote all this down in a much more detailed post a couple of weeks ago only to then go and delete it all before i had the chance to post it by pressing the wrong button or something...Anyway it P****d me off at the time because i poured my heart out only to then go on and delete it all..

In these last couple of years i've pretty much messed up just about everything that i possible could ...

Tonight again with my last 19 quid i've yet again gambled ...I think i probably got 10 mins of so called enjoyment till it was gone and then when i was skint i just felt plain nothing..Zero ...Just the same old , same old..

My thought process for a good while now has been ..i have nothing else to lose..

Thankyou both for your posts

London bloke thank you for coming back him posting. It is heartbreaking to hear that you have had such a hard time. None of us on here wants anything but the best for our fellow gamblers. Yet we want to encourage you to know you can come here and tell us what is up. Don't feel you have "let us down" or anything like that. Like you've said in your former posts. This is a place for honesty, to people who understand. You are always welcome here, and I would encourage you to think about starting to post again, as when you were posting again just the act of posting a lot started helping you to get a sense of things and feel more in control even though you had slips on the way.go back and reread your diary and you will see how you had some really really good stretches in there! I was a disbeliever but since I have posted more often I am having less lapsing making progress in my life and others have found the same thing; It's almost like just the act of posting and interacting even if that's all you start doing will help you. !!!Please consider what I am saying? . We all just care for you very deeply , believe it or not. And thank you for your update.rooting for you...

Hi LB,

I've been a member on here since 2009. Funnily enough, last week, I made my first ever post. I've really liked reading the diaries off and on over the years and when I saw 'Lost the Plot' earlier tonight, something clicked in my brain. I realised that it was the one diary I could remember from 6 years ago...it's crazy to think it has been that long.

I've just sat and read through your whole diary, skimming some of it whilst streaming the Man Utd/Arsenal game. I'm sad to hear that you've not had a good time of it recently and i think it's pretty brave of you to come back on after two and a half years, especially as you can't be feeling that great about yourself. The people on this site, young and old, will always be rooting for you, willing you to beat your demons. You managed 90 days before, it should be more than possible again.

I have to admit though that sometimes the encouragement from others, however well meant, irritated me. Or maybe it was you that was irritating me.... It's sad to see someone making the same mistakes over and over and over. I cannot begin to even attempt to feel how you must feel about everything. You need to make the changes, and only you can do it. If you don't, it's going to kill you. Think how many people over the years you have connected with on this site, all total strangers, you have a nice writing style and and its so obvious you are a good person, you CAN bring all these qualities in to your real life. You can be happy. But you need to grow stronger and find happiness yourself, everyone on here knows you can do it.

Since I came back on this site a few weeks ago there are new regulars and some good new ideas. You cannot win because you cannot stop and The Triangle of Time, Money and Location. You can use these to help you. If you look around here you will find a diary where some guy won £63k and is still on here in debt after blowing it all. (sorry I forget the name). That's you I reckon, there is no magic fix, you can't just have all your debts wiped and carry on in your nice new shiny life, well maybe you can, I don't know, but my point is, whatever demons that make you gamble and f**k up your life, you need to find them and give them a good kicking.

I'm preaching now, I've had a nice easy life and I almost got myself in big trouble, I'm recovering from that now. I've been weak in many areas of my life and I have no doubt that if I wasn't from a nice background i'd be in major trouble now. I hope that's not condesending, I'm trying to say that you've made a life with friends and girlfriends despite what I expect was a tough upbringing and this horrible gambling monster. Just tell it to get to f**k once and for all mate, get it done. It would probably be the biggest achievement in the history of this forum.

I'm posting this now before I lose it all, like what happened to you, I made the same mistake last week.

Everyone here is willing you to succeed in whatever way you can. Stay strong.

Cheers
Scott

Thankyou again Jenny, Scot and NT for your coments and suggestions..

I think about those times now and again where i went 50, 60 even 90 days without a gamble...I even at times have thoughts that it in some way it just could not of been me that had achieved that...I guess thats a reaction or kind of mental block to just how messed up things now are and have been, especially lately..

God knows how many times i've failed with all this over most of my life..Stop, start, stop, start, on and on its gone...What a mess, what a way to live....

Fast forward a couple of years and its just like reading back a few pages in my diary.. The only difference being that i no longer have the thousands to lose month in and month out, but i've still been losing what very little i get so theres no difference..

I've had and am still having various counselling especially during stays in hospital where i've talked and talked trying to understand it all. We've talked about various mental health disorders etc, etc and i'm continuing with all that.. I've put blocks in place to prevent me going off on one all over again, but i always seem to find a way around them...

Anyway I'm gonna post more often on here, see if i can get back into some kind of routine, it helps to just read other peoples stories/ battles and sucesses..

Last gamble was Monday the 9th so i can at least chalk up 2 days..

Yay! Good for you. Glad you've decided to post more again, it helps....

Got money Thursday and its all still sitting in my account...

4 days now without a gamble but i think about playing it almost non-stop..

Don't really like going out anymore (unless it was to gamble) but today i had a Drs appointment so i had to keep to that..

Lost a lot of my self confidence nowdays, am a shadow of who i used to be. Most of the time i'd just prefer to lock the door and shut myself away from everything...Of course if i was in gambling mode i'd be at one of them shops in 2 mins...

On my way to the dr's, just a 5 min walk away i passed 3 bookies..2 of them were empty and the other had 1 person in it...It got me thinking that whenever i gambled in the bookies or an amusememt acade, it would completley do my head in if anyone was watching me play...As the years passed i got more and more superstitious, it got pretty bad , crazy things that even apply up to this present time..

Thinking about that 1 person all alone playing was in a way a trigger..I wanted to be in there on my own with no one else, just me playing...When i came out from the dr's and walked back past they were gone and all 3 of the shops were completley empty..

I dunno i'm rambling on a bit now, talking a load of gibberish..

I've always been a night person, spent 15 odd years working late shifts so its kinda programed inside of me. Nowdays though i find sleeping harder than ever before, i feel tired enough but just can't seem to shut off my mind.. Am taking pills to try and help, physically i'm shattered and yet my head is racing a thousand miles an hour..

I'm gonna go read a bit ....Anyway 4 days

Hi Londonbloke, I am glad you are back on here - I find it a therapeutic place to be and I hope it helps you too. Your diary is a fantastic example to anyone on this site - a painfully honest, emotional rollercoaster of a read. It would be great if you started posting regularly again as there are many people here who miss you and want to support you.

Four days gamble-free is a good start, now try to make it a week. I think everyone finds the first couple of weeks the hardest, but then the mind starts to change - to relax, to stop focussing on gambling. We start to feel better, healthier and morally cleaner. I wish you luck and hope to see you posting again soon. Rooting for you.

I agree many on here miss you I want to see your updates hope you're doing well let's make it five days if you've Alreadybgamble today be proud that you made it for 4 days going to go for another four. Please post an update....

Crazy ain't it .....This whole bloody thing ....

I've sat here all day in front of the computer, first watched all the football then been you tubing various songs and videos that take me back to happier times..

I'm a bit obessed with a video called turbolenza (don't watch it if afraid of heights) i watch this all the time and often feel things like that are what i'm supposed to be doing...Having fun, living, enjoying myself, etc..etc..

I think the soundtrack (soundofguns) hits me in the guts too, reminds me of the old me, no fear, no worries, just go with the flow and enjoy kinda thing.. We are not crazy , we are amazing one of them saids...

I've got to admit , i kinda confuse myself at times...Yesterday when i posted in the early hours of the morning i said its 4 days without a gamble and so today would make it 5 ....I get a bit messed up because i''m up most of the night and i'll often post in the early hours...Anyway Monday the 9th was my last gamble and by my reckoning at midnight tonight it will be 6 complete days...

Not eaten all day , not a thing just don't feel hungry, maybe thats because i've hardly got anything in the fridge to eat...Maybe i'm to scared to go buy anything just in case i need later, it messes with your head..Didn't want to go out the door either and its amazing just how you get so used to going without things when you are off on one..Anyway lets get past tonight and i'll go get a few bits of shopping tomorrow..

I've got to get back in that routine of just buying it and being happy that i've got something for my money instead of being scared to spend as i might need it to chase what i'm losing.. Sounds crazy don't it but thats the place i've been living in..

Anyway i'm rambling yet again but it feels good to say something..

Thankyou pellekanin, jenilee and NT for your support

I'm feeling pretty good but have to keep reminding myself not to mess it all up again...I'm five minutes walk from a cashpoint and two 24 hour arcades (used to be three but one of them shut down a few months ago)... The urges are there thick and fast ....

Back to some music

Good to see you back and posting Lb.

I relate to alot of what you say. Keep working at it friend.

You can return to happier times

Regards... S.A 🙂