lost the plot..

How has the last day or so been? Proud of you for posting again it's a big first step and a good one..

A week or so since my last post ..

Early hours of the morning as per usual ....In another life i'd be an owl or a bat or something that only comes out at night..

Yes NT i did exclude myself a long long time ago from the 24 hour shops and a few of the bookies sitting on my doorstep...After a good few months of playing elsewhere and spells away from everything i eventualy found myself back in these places...New staff sometimes and other times i just wanted to play ...same old same old...No one stopped me and at that time i didn't want them too either, my fault i know but when i'm in that zone i often think that nothing will stop me anyway, i'll find somewhere to gamble wherever its on my doorstep or 5 miles down the road but i hear what you are saying, thankyou for the advice..

Yes again its all gone t**s up ..i have gambled..Not a large amount of money because thankfully i no longer have or can get my hands on huge sums of money..

I can now live for a week on ten quid...

But a gambles a gamble ..

Will get a few quid this coming thursday....Before i get it i know what to do....When i get it is a complete different story..

same with me Lb, I lived a very similar existence to what you describe for many years especially when i was on benefits. Self-exclusion proved a useful tool but far from perfect. Many times i gambled in places that i'd been excluded from and no one batted an eyelid though occasionally I was asked to leave. As you say if you/I really wanted to gamble we would always find somewhere. Gambling hell holes are everywhere.

I can also make £10 last a week if its just food, but its no way to live week in and week out. Its just survival. life on the edge.

You deserve better. I deserve better.

Keep working at it friend.

Regards... S.A

Just gone 2.15am

Got paid yesterday a few quid and most of it is still sitting in the bank ,swear to god sometimes i can hear it calling me, (you now have some money, i'm over here, yes here, come and get me)..

When it got dark i went to the off licence and for the first time for ages i brought myself a drink..I'm taking various meds and have to see drs at regular times but i'm not back there for 5 days so i thought sod it , why not..( i shouldn't really , but what the hell)...

I over analyse everything nowdays, think far too much about even the slightest thing...I've been sitting here for a good few hours trying to convince myself that spending 18 quid on some cans and a cheap bottle is way better than going out and blowing everything gambling...

I've had a few issues in the past with drinking more than i should, etc...etc, but these past couple years i've pretty much left all that behind, just had a few cans here or there...Tonight though i'm beating myself up about spending 18 bloody quid on a few drinks...I feel guilty in a way...

I dunno why ....Maybe because i can live for over a week on that, i just don't know..

I try keep thinking of the positives, 18 quid and i've enjoyed it, i got something out of it...I'd lose it in 10 mins if i was gambling.. Mind you maybe i'd hit that streak that i never got but always dream about...It all messes with your head....

Changing the subject i had a little cheap halogen heater that i got last year for 18 quid and a couple of hours ago the bloody thing went bang when i turned it on...Just saw a huge spark when i hit the switch and it blew all the electrics in the place, now its knackered, but whats doing my head in now is that i have just drank a new halogen heater....

Ranting on again, am reading lots, just trying to take my mind off stuff...

Thanks SA for your post

Hi london sorry you are having a tough time. I think its common for us cgs to scrutinised what we are spending when its not gambling. An example of that is i just went shopping with my brother to a supermarket i dont usually use as i consider it to be more expensive and found myself spending 46 for food shopping, looking at prices and when i got to the till and saw the total, i said to my brother that is why i dont normally shop here, id get twice that in my usual shop. He probably stood there and lsughed to himself, thinking what is she on, she use to blow a whole months wages in one night and shes complaining about spending 46.00 pound on food shopping. Actually sounds ridiculous shen i look at it like that.I had put a few treats in which were like 3.00 each and stuff for my daughter. Yet a month ago i could easily spend 10-20 times that in just a few hours online in one evening. How does that work, id spend in excess of 500 to feel S****y and depressed knowing even if i did win id likely/almost certainly play until i lost it all again yet im analysing how much i spent on some sweets and drinks that will make me feel good. There is no logic to our thinking sometimes , if there was we wouldn't gamble as we know logically we will not win.

Don't beat yourself up about buying something for you, its much better then gambling, however just be cautious you don't substitute the gambling for drinking as many people who fight addictions do replace them with something else. Keep coming back here for support, you are not alone with the way you think and fdel. Hope you can be abit kinder on yourself.

Take care

Bex x

P.s also know how you feel with the sleepless nights, havent had a wink of sleep and got to leave for work in just over an hour. I will get through today, just as you will, taking it one day at a time x

Hi Lb.... I over-analyse as well. Am trying not to at the moment especially with work stuff. It does me no favours. Just go with the flow I try to say to myself. I think its harder not to over anlyse when ya have more time on your hands. The mind has to do something.

Its rubbish when things break down isn't it. I have a dead washing machine and lots of washing to do. Atleast the warmer weather is just around the corner eh.

Glad you enjoyed a little drink. The demon to stay away from is the gambling one. Cos the gambling demon takes ALL available funds not half, not three quarters but ALL.

Anyway, thanks for your post. Until the next time... S.A 🙂

Well i managed 12 days then last night it all went t**s up yet again...

Last night when it got dark i went out..I had too (didn't want too)but i needed some shopping....

I ran out of the basics like bread/potatoes wednesday night and have been eating c**P like a tin of beans over boiled carrots and peas for a couple of days. But friday night i opened my last tin of beans and apart from a jar of beetroot and some ketchup, i had nothing else left to eat in my cupboards or fridge..

So i needed to go out and stock up..The thing is though i just don't feel comfortable out and about any more..

I've gone from being so confident to the complete opposite.. I'm a completley different person to who i was a couple of years ago...

When i do go out nowdays its almost always at night (when it gets dark), unless i have an appointment that i have to keep too during the day (dr's and stuff) and then i'm a bloody mess.. ...But if i have to go out then i would just rather go out when its dark, when theres not so many people around, its all crazy stuff but i prefer to just be in/out and then back as soon as i can, the less contact the better...

Anyway ...Long story short for the f****** life of me i don't know why but right in between co-op and iceland, opposite the cashpoint is one of the arcades which has taken my life from me...

Money out the cashpoint, quick glance over the road at the arcade ....No-one in there ..bang..

I try and tell myself now (after its gone) well its nothing, its only a couple hundred quid ...I'm living in the past, i'm stuck in my past always comparing the then to now...Its a head f**k really..Are any of us sane???

I could live on that for probably 2 months at least and that includes the key meter and my internet but in i went and didn't even see machines that i know how to play and what does what, can give etc etc......I just poured it in to a machine i have never heard of before and pressed the flashing button....

I Don't think i really was with it at all...Blew the 200 in 20 mins or so, gone...

Went back to the cashpoint ...28 quid left took out the 20 and went into co-op and got some shopping...All as if it all never happened....I was back home 2 hours after i went out...

Yep i need to go back in there and self exclude, i've done that twice in that same shop these past few years..I can actually remember 5 different firms that that shop has belonged too...5 different gambling companies have taken over that shop in the past 5/6 years...New staff, different machines etc etc...I was the only one in there playing, maybe if it had other people in there playing i wouldn't of gone in ..I dunno...(maybe i would)...

Almost made 2 weeks, then as per usual i messed it all up...

Changing the subject.....I hate the summer months and the long days...I really do...

Hi london bloke.

i seen a post on one of my diarys that you put on in 2010. It's a shame that we are both still here 5 years later. All I can say to you is never give up on giving up. The more you try your best the more you will succeed.

All the best.

Hi London bloke how are you getting along I've read your entire diary and then through the ups and downs of it with you. Wondered how you're getting along if you're still gambling that's OK there's no better place for people who understand will support you some people don't come on here and there gambling but I've done the same thing and avoided it not wanting to admit and I'm gambling than realizing no one can understand better than the folks on here. If you feel like it you should post an update if you don't we understand but we are all cheering you on

Its been a long time since i last posted anything on here... Over a year since i said anything at all..

Pretty sad really especially when i'm here quite often reading other peoples battles and struggles but i never say a word never update because i'm the bigest hypocrite you will probably ever meet..

I think after so many attempts to quit and failing again and again over and over a part of you just seems to be on auto pilot and nothing much really matters.. its just the same old c**P over and over..32 days 71 days 110 days ...who cares ....I always seem to end up at some point back at the very begining...

Tonight i have yet again gambled ..I've not lost a huge sum of money (the days of me blowing 3 or 4 grand in just one night are long gone) i just don't have that kinda money any longer ..But i've gambled al the same ..

five grand...500 hundred....50 quid...10 pound ...whats the difference ...

Eventually i think all of us reach the point where money means nothing ..its just credits or chips whatever

An escape from the real world ..a chance to just get away from al the c**P just for an hour or 2

Running away from reality like a bloody zombie...God i live such a b******t exsistence i realy do

As like many many others on here i've gone from the decent job very good wages had it al within my *** and yet i choose to go throw it all away to chase that gambling high..

Now and again i'l think back to what could of been but i don't dwell too much on any of that stuff really anymore because it just messes with my head....

I've had some serious issues these past 5 years or so.. been sectioned 3 times and been drugged out my head on medication and all because of my gambling yet when i've come "back down and found myself again" i've always at some point eventually gone back to the gamble..

Pretty sad really ...yes i feel sorry for myself ...angry at myself...al them emotions that we all feel after the event ..

Thats it no more ...day 1 again ..blah blah blah...all complete rubbish

Been there seen that done that ...etc etc...

Just gone 6am here now ..I have serious issues sleeping just can't seem to shut off my mind...

I don't really know where it all ends ..sometimes i really no longer care

Tomorrow when i wake up (been up all night yet again) i'll say the same thing all over again ..

Eventually surely i will understand it all.....who knows

In the meantime its just good to get it off my chest...

Hai LB,

Have always followed your diary from when you was a more regular poster and know your story. I guess for some of us the yellow brick road of recovery is navigated pretty poorly. Yet, albeit in the distance, your still here, still struggling on.

I know you've heard it all before, so no offers of advice. Just, a post to say hello and to say your not alone... Same, same but different.

There's many a hypocrite here, myself being one of the biggest ones.

Despite being good to have an update, it's a bi.tch to still see you in this cycle of shi.te. So, the question is, what are going to do different this time?

Different names now, but still the same theme. So stick around LB, keep posting and discover a way to change the record.

All the best

V aka ex mug.......

Thats it i'm done ..

2017 new year new start ..if anyones gonna start a new no gamble thread well i'm in ...

I'm just not going to do any of this s**t no more.......i'm done

hate myself and my life and all because i chase a bonus on a fruit machine

well thats me i've done it and i've tried again and again and again and again and again..

100 here another 200 there chasing the 3 bonus symbols on a machine only to always get barely nothing back when it finaly hits ..(20x if you are lucky )

I'm not doing this anymore

if anyone on here is going to start a new (day by day exclusion thingy) well i'm signing up

one day at a time is where i go from here ..i really now am sick to death of it all i really am ...

every day that now passes i will check in each and every day i'll stick my 2 fingers up to my addiction that has taken everything from me ..

I'M NOT DOING THIS ANY LONGER ..

happy new year to everyone (forgot to say that in my last post)

don't mean anything to me really ..nothing on this earth nowdays really means anything to me

I know what i am and i don't feel too good about any of it

Just a day at a time ..thats all ...i'm ready..i'm done ..i'm sick to the back teeth of being the mug that lines your pockets...

I've tried and failed dozens of times previously ..i've always gone back

But this time i just feel is MY TIME ..

lets go

New year new beginnings. Wish u well..we need to change our routines I don't want this for 2017 either