Metamorphosis

Hey DF

Sorry to also hear you are low and not feeling great...

yep the masks I know that one too and mine seems to have got stuck over the years so no one actually saw me any more !

I'm not a big fan of the human race as you know preferring the animal kingdom but certain individuals I love..

I'm the same as you on anger ..it acts as rocket fuel for me as I can't bear being stuck and impotent. It gives the feeling of movement and propels me into a different mindset...albeit for a short time until the old resentments kick back in.

This too shall pass DF ...and I hope you get some time off to get your batteries charged.

R and D xx

Is there room for another consignment of ochre earthenware jars? lol

thanks for popping in DF....we are all judgemental but some like me have a harder time holding it in....I can't support someone who I think is kidding themselves and thankfully in my days of yore in meetings I've had some classic folk who have not stood for me bullshitting myself ...

It's f*****g horrible and humiliating but y know the ego can come out with utter b*****k delusions to avoid facing what we dont want to see or deal with.

Anyhooo ...I am soooo jealous of your trip and looking at my Rick Sein " Spain "cookery book as I am all Inspired ..could be frittatas or a tapas tea..

I used to go to the Good Food show in my last job as we used to exhibit...I miss those stands with all the delicious continental fayre....by the way ..if you like to read I can recommend a great book for you if you haven't read it already..especially for the Spanish leg of your journey ..

It's called La Camino its a true story and its about the pilgrimage walk that folks do in northern Spain ..The walk of St James I think from Santiago ...it's a spiritual journey ,a bit like the labyrinth path and also has a lot of serendipitous moments...I think it's one of Shirley McClaines whose books I think I have read 20times over..

R and D xx

I

Df

Thanks for dropping by on my thread

I hope your travels re-energise you and help you to tear down some walls, as to re build you have to clear the rubble first.

As for the book, my advice take all the bits that mean ouwt and rip it up, then whilst on your travels write one for yourself.

Thats the wonderful thing about it, there is no right or wrong way. If there was it would be a best seller!!!

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Rach and Duncs

Have been thinking why I am struggling to write on here at the moment.

If one of the young people I work with commits suicide or is raped or sectioned I obviously cant say on here as it is confidential.

If someone in my family says or does something that makes me want to curl up and cry or worse I can't say anything on here as it intrudes into their lives.

If I have so many health problems that I feel my life is very restricted, if not limited, I don't want to say on here as I don't want sympathy.

If I am overwhelmed by life, trying to dissipate some of the anger pain and sadness by 'social chit chat' is my way of defusing these triggers that will undoubtedly send me on a spending spree however this is the only place where I can actually say that and some people will understand and some that will not as in this exert from a recent diary (respect the fact you call my diary a real diary - not meaning to criticise others and as we keep saying recovery is bespoke but I use this diary to record thoughts on gambling and recovery, some others use theirs for social chit-chat - would have thought there are many other places on the internet for this). Those that don't agree, need not read my diary, it is as simple as that, I expect nothing in return but feel honoured and cared for when I receive the support I have in the past.

I know without this site I would be in a much worse place right now as my big dipper ride would have no highs left so just wanted to say thanks to everyone here and on a lighter note my Kenny family were counted in the Swan Upping last week which I was lucky enough to see, an amazing tradition with the oarsmen in their red outfits and wooden boats however Kenny tells me his loyalty remains with me not the Queen.

Strength and wishes to one and all and thank you for being part of my wonderful life.

Hi ya,

Strength and wishes to you to.

Its a quandary sometimes isn't it, what to write, what not to write, when to write, when not to write and as you say the motivation to write at all. I am also overwhelmed by life sometimes even though my life is not full and indeed probably because of my somewhat empty shell existence.

I find that with me, sometimes I want to write but I hold back because I am not completely anonymous. I woosh I was but I am not and along with my depressive tendencies comes paranoia and feeling vulnerable so I hold back. Other times its simply because I am struggling in myself and other times its because am not struggling and feel like ive got nothing to say.

In reality what happens is that when I feel like ive had enough of this place, the exact opposite happens and I post like a loon. 🙂

Good to read a post from you. No pressure to ever write again if you don't want to 😉 Take care.. S.A 🙂

Hi Dragonfly,

We are whole people and hopefully there is more to us than this damned addiction. In my clumbsy way I am trying to say that our "chit chat" as idle as it may seem to some is therapy and good medicine and as valid as a list of how many sober days we have racked up. I am soooo grateful to have someone like you to relate to and to chat with on this forum Ms. Dragonfly. Just saying.. -joanxxxxxxx

Hai DF

Completely go along with that last post of yours. These diarys are a release for alot of us. Sometimes i find my self tapping my thoughts, other times its like i'm writing at a screen, the latter is bollxx. So guess the use of these diarys are as bepoke as the individual writing it.

Anyway, enough of that. Trusting the thunder and lightning made it exciting on the river and the kenneths are now back smiling...

Hey df,

I am sure it's extremely difficult for you having the job that you do and obviously you can't post it all on here, but it is your diary and what ever helps you to get through must be good.

People choose to read , some nod in agreement , I have read so many posts on here and got goose bumps because I relate so much to them, if someone takes one thing from a diary tha helps them that's enough for me.

We have said so many times, the good, the bad, the ugly, the indifferent, the waffle , get it out, j

Keep dumping the trash.

Take care

Blonde xxx

SA, Joan, Volcano and Blondie thank you so much for your thoughts I appreciate them when I am at a low ebb.

Thanks Duncs as well, you always make things so straightforward and I take something from each person's message and put things into perspective once again.

Part of my job is convincing people that it will benefit them to change their behaviour so bizarre that all I do is convince my alter ego that it would lose something precious and entertaining by not going on spending sprees and each time manipulate my life to enable just that to happen.

Have worked with many children with autism and realise how similar their behaviour is to mine in that they obsess about one action then continue on and on and cannot be distracted from it. This describes me when I turn into a zombie and it is never about the money, I would do the same if I won toothpaste each time I am sure and would carry on till I had lost all the toothpaste again as is my usual pattern. They say rape is about power not s*x and I think gambling in many cases is not about the money once people analyse their actions.

So have made my peace with the world and have just eaten runner beans and tomatoes from my veg garden on my deck, the mini Dereks are fed and having fun chasing coots round the boat (not so much fun for the coots - daft as ) I have located my passport which appears to have a photo of a complete stranger inside and written numerous lists of holiday stuff to take but probably wont and wouldn't use if I did. A nice normal ordinary day in fact but one designed to remind me of the people who cherish the wonders of life. Thank you

Dragonfly, thank you for your kind words on my diary. I am back on the wagon and feeling better already, take care x Dark Place

Hi Dragonfly

I have similar dilemmas about work/family related postings and protecting anonymity.

Lists eh? wonderful things......except I end up losing them!

Have a ball on your trip 🙂

Take care

Irene

x

Hey DF

I'm not sure if your away yet but if you are then whoop whoop ...I hope you are relaxing and enjoying being relaxed...miss your posts but I'm selfish like that.

I also think what you say about certain thinking is true ...100% rape is about power and power really is the top enchilada meaning more to peeps than money or s*x.

This is why despite having all the money in the world, the likes of Trump and Gates et al..still keep empire building..

Funny you should say about autism as with both my ex and my soon to be ex best pal if he continues being sadistic I have brought that up in the past saying on many occasions its like being with someone with autism..there is single mindedness then this other level that they both went to that borders on cold and cruel.

My thinking can become quite routine and cyclical but for me it seems to work in the positive as is grounding..im someone who can be OCD under great stress , if I like a song I will play it over and over again back to back and I can get hooked on having the same combinations of food every night for my tea..

Also i can be repetitive with good habit but will get stressed if that routine is broken ..like this forum..I write everyday , but if the Internet is down I feel agitated and can rage if its off for more than a day..

Not sure where that places me on the autistic spectrum ..I am slightly dyscalcic too and my birth mother dyslexic but I keep a healthy supply of omega 3 /6/9 oils and fish in my diet every day to try and overcome that and calm my brain inflammation.,lol..they are even saying depression is going to be reclassified as an inflammatory illness.

Should have ordered some olive oil from you to go with the earthenware pots ! Xx

Ola! Senioreta ...can't spell it!

R and D xx

Hi Dragonfly,

Are you still away? Just dropping by to say hello. Waving hey from sunny Massachusetts. -joanxxxxx

Hello Ms Fly..

Am sure you count but have sent mother Duck over the *** and far away to escourt you back from Espanya...

http://youtu.be/Yaxu4seVIqU

ps the 5 little ducks can keep the kenneths busy and ratty tap tap on your window.

Hiya I is back and thanks for messages folks.

Spent last night parked on banks of the Seine but daft French Kenneths, I couldn't understand a word they said despite my seven years of school French.

Couldn't message while away as some nasty person broke into our motorhome and stole my ex's expensive laptop and in too out of the way places around France and Spain for my phone to cope with, they nicked my camera too and very bizarrely his shoes which we only found out last night when we had to actually wear clothes again to enter the ferry, didn't help that I thought this was hilarious as he is sandal phobic in the uk.

Opportunity to waste money three times during the month and despite mega stress at times (what can we still find to argue about after 23 years) absolutely no desire which just goes to prove I need to make changes in my life to alter daily state of mind and become me again. Need to politely tell controlling a******** to back off so I can find my freedom which I know is very different from other peoples. Life is way too short.

Sad to see so much controversy on the site which I have just skimmed as surely any additional anger and resentment just feeds this disease as we all carry way too much of our own although love a healthy discussion as well as the next person and intend to use my diary as it suits me best, be it deep and meaningful on the bad days or pure bollicking b*****ks on the mad days.

Strange being on my own again after a month of 24 / 7 with a madman but will adapt with the support of mega amounts of S***e sangria and even shita bologna as no work till next week. Will catch up properly tomorrow so hugs and more hugs in vast amounts to one and all in their quest for the grail of holiness.