Metamorphosis

Hiya and good to read your thoughts. I always think of the local wildlife when I dip into your diary, though had a close encounter with angry dog on my run this morning. Thanks for your support... S.A 🙂

Hi Dragonfly,

My thoughts are all tangled up and bottle necking in my throat as usual... Sad about poor Ken and hoping he is just off licking his wounds somewhere. I too hate loss. I'm a little outta sorts but feel comfortable dropping in on your diary. Hope that's ok. lol. I just loved the image of the traveler's lifestyle. P and I really want to get in an RV someday and just drive until there is no more road.... Hugs Dragonfly. -joan xxxx

Kenneth is back - wishes come true - thanks folks. Thinking today that this is all so complicated while all I want to do is stop, simplify my thoughts.

I once had no food to eat

Then I met a man who had no teeth

I once had no shoes to wear

Then I met a man who had no feet

I once had no shirt to wear

Then I met a man who had no pants

I once had no lady friend

Then I met a man with no right hand

When you’re down on your luck

and you just spent your last buck

There’s always someone else

who has it even worse

When you’ve gone completely mad

and you’ve lost everything you had

Look around and you’ll be glad it isn’t worse

Your life could be an endless curse

I once had no house to live in

Then I met a man who had no skin

I once had an iron lung

Then I met a man whose lung was tin

I once had no energy

Then I met a man who had no mass

I once had no toilet paper

Then I met a man who had no a**

When you’re down on your luck

No matter how bad your life sucks

There’s always someone else

who has it even worse

When you’ve gone completely mad

and you’ve lost everything you had

Look around and you’ll be glad it isn’t worse

Your life could be an endless curse

Your other car could be a hearse

I could sing another verse

I once had a mirror on the wall

Then I met a man

who was lucky after all

This always makes me smile when I run out of toilet paper, at least I have an a**e.

My parents has a huge print of a classic painting in their lounge as my father said it looked like me as a teenager and my mother still keeps it on her wall. I just googled the name of it and it is called 'the g***y', how weird is that after my diary last week. No wonder the wanderlust strikes me down.

So in a previous life I wonder did I have addictions too.

Dragonfly.

Great to see you about the forum, a well done from me.

Keep digging.

Oh and great news regarding Kenneth.

Dunc stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncs, Kenneth is banging on my kitchen window as I write as he saw me arrive home and turn on the light.

Very long day driving round Hampshire all morning to meetings and London all afternoon so feeling exhausted but very smug that I avoided the recent services pitfalls on the way home (I do know pride comes before a fall). Went to Qigong last night and can actually manage the movements with my dodgy body so really enjoyed the experience and met some lovely like minded people.

Dark, shivery and cold here on the river tonight and was feeling a bit glum then a big wadge of sproglets appeared in canoes on the river and all I could see were lights twinkling everywhere and hear little voices and a huge big moon adding to the effect- fairy fireflies no less so well cheered up now.

Some days I actually think I can clamber out of the nightmare and start to dream again.

Hey DF

Just having a read around before I turn in...Wouldn't it be fab to get an old wooden Wendy house ,straw lined and strapped in a dinghy at the back of your boat? ..winter chalet for Ken and co? ..lol

Keep working with that physical energy...Acupuncture is meant to be good for pain but I have never tried it myself...the Qigong does sound like its the way forward though ...good for you DF! Xxxxx

Hey Dragonfly,

Yes, how awesome was that moon the other night!! The full Harvest moon. I was on my way into work the other day driving east into the rising sun. Just over my shoulder was that magnificent moon setting in the west. Gold and oranges melting together before me and deep blues and magenta setting behind me. I was in absolute awe. I thought I had died and gone to heaven! I was so taken by it that I forgot that I had almost stopped in the middle of the road. I woke up to the screaming meemies behind me who had no clue that they were happy. Too busy trying to race into work. Lol. Trying to keep it simple too Dragonfly and sooo glad to hear about Ken. -joanxxxxxx

http://youtu.be/5ofYYfwHsKA

Cry for the moon.

Self inflicted pain - a month ago I was moonbathing under the full moon reflected in the sea while bats flew overhead and I felt safe and happy with a person I cared for as we named the stars in the sky.

Predictably he has retreated into isolation once more refusing to even speak to me, were those joyful days worth this, I think so as I have the memories to dilute the pain.

Always my biggest trigger but so far keeping safe in my sadness. Why is life so cruel at times.

it's cruel because we still have hearts DF and sadly

we are not machines that can just switch on and off.

Even when you know the pattern it is still very hard to cope with as you always have to keep and hold something back for yourself and sometimes that void can be great...feels two magnets turned the other way and then some days they just fit.x

I can't make you feel safe DF as I'm not even able to do that for myself but I CAN be your moonbathing buddy xxxxx

R and D xx

df.

keep making the right choices my friend.

most of all enjoy it.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Have just walked down the long lane to my houseboat and suddenly realised I was crying. Can't remember the last time I allowed myself that luxury of self pity and then in the dark unseen.

Feels like my whole world is crashing down round my ears in so many ways and taking me along with it.

Completely overburdened with other people's problems with very little I can do to help, some as a result of misguided decisions I made in the past, all with good intentions.

Friends husband has three months to live, family members ill and stressed and so it goes on and on and on til sometimes I don't know how to live this life.

We used to go to Brand's Hatch to watch the motor bike racing in the sixties and I would come away with my stomach in tangles at the fear of them falling off and dying in front of me - my stomach feels like this today - a premonition of worse to come.

The river is cloaked in mist almost cocoon like and that is how my mind feels.

I messed up today, escaped to hell for an hour (despite all my safeguards) after trying to mend a situation and making it worse I ran off and hid, after all these years my reserves of strength are all used up on other people.

I know as the song says I will survive I always do but at the moment it feels like at what cost.

Have had to delete part of this as too depressing and involves others but for now will leave this part to remind me that some days are very much far from wonderful.

You know DF its ok to be depressed and I'm glad you have cried tonight as hopefully it has released something inside for you ...

I think it's very healthy to be able to express sadness as you can as its something I can't do very well..I just get angry instead. You only have to be responsible for you and as a result of that people even with their own troubles and illness that I know is upsetting for you ,will have to spin around your orbit aswell and it not always be you that uproots.

You have needs too DF and I can see you decided to keep hidden rather then burden others..and that's not something to beat yourself up about today ...

Maybe folks close to you need to know that you are not always feeling great? Perhaps they could be there for you sometimes ?

I hope that makes sense ..

R and D xxx

dragonfly

I know that feeling all too well. the one i believe to be gambling remorse.

Tonight i will ask this question.

What if you had won today, the jackpot wherever you where, would that have answered any questions??

my guess is no.

sometimes we all need to lance a boil, me I used to run straight into the arms of the bookies. Foolishly i thought it my best friend. then after it had finished bleeding me dry it left me feeling like it was sleeping with my wife.

You have a genuine friend you can lean on day or night.it's unconditional.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Some how the song from godsmack, voodoo always fills my head after I gamble. LOL wish I could bring up the link for ya.