My demons are back and ruining my life again

I have used the use of a recover diary on a forum before and it really helped me knowing that I wasn't alone and felt good to share my problems so I'm going to do it again. I know the next couple of weeks are going to be tough coming off the back of a huge loss right now I feel so much anger and hatred towards myself however still can't seem to stop thinking about how I can win my money back. So here it goes day 1 starts tomorrow.

So here it goes day 1 again...couldn't sleep last night, still so angry and numb with the situation I have got myself into once again. I've had periods of abstenance before and I know pain and urges get easier but I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time at the moment. First things first time to block all my accounts and finally face up to looking at the damage I've done on my credit cards....

Alright mate your story sounds very much like my own, like you i found it really hard to let go of the money i had lost but it is something that has to be done.Try not to beat urself up to much things will get easier as long as you dont chase your lost money.As you say you just have to take it a day at a time, you can do it .

Thanks mate I really appreciate the support. I know it goin to be a long road ahead again but hopefully with the support from this site I will be able to keep my addiction under control. I didn't put a bet on for 14 months a couple of years ago but then I stupidly told myself that I was cured and just like that after a few bets on the horses I was soon on tilt and back to my old self. I know now that this is something that I will always have in my life and it will never completely go away. T total is the only way.

Day 1 is almost complete and all UK horse racing is over so I'm pretty much in the clear. I'm glad today is out of the way. Bring on day 2!

Hi Toonarmy5942,

Thanks for your post, and well done for deciding to try stopping again. It seems like you’ve been struggling for a while to overcome your problematic gambling, and wonders why you keep relapsing?

I’d like to make you aware that it’s difficult for one to try and overcome gambling problem by oneself. Most people need professional help to do that.

By joining the forum, and also posting here, you’re taking the necessary steps to enable you overcome your gambling problem.

Moreover, you said you’ve previously benefitted from the use a recovery diary - “(and it really helped me knowing that I wasn't alone and felt good to share my problems so I'm going to do it again)”. That is encouraging indeed! It’s doable, and you can do it again, Toonarmy5942!

Sometimes the reason why you find it difficult to stop gambling is due to some other underlying issues, which you might not even be aware of, and counselling can help you to explore this. Counselling will help you to know yourself better, realise what your triggers are, and find a way of managing them effectively. Gamcare can offer you 12 sessions of free counselling.

Maybe you’ll like to contact our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, and request for counselling from one of our advisers.

Our lines are open every day from 8.00am to midnight.

Thanks once again for sharing your story, and pls. keep posting.

Best wishes,

Beatrice

Day 2.today all my mates are going to the races... Came clean to them last night about my problem. It turned out alot of them already knew anyway. Going to the races is not where I need to be at the moment so had to tell them I couldn't go anymore. Instead I'm playing a round of golf with a good friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while so I'm looking forward to it. It will make a pleasant change to be out in the sunshine instead of in a gloomy betting shop or glued to my phone betting online.

Ive blocked all my online accounts which took ages. Didn't realise I was signed up to nearly every bookies in the country.

Hi Toon, thanks for your post on my journey. The strength you have shown by telling your mates puts you in a great position. You have admitted your problem and that in itself is a massive step in recovery. keep you focus on making sure you limit the opportunity to gamble by not allowing yourself to have the money, location or time to gamble. Focus on something e

lse (golf is a great ally and

in many ways a good substitute)- it allows you to focus on you versus the course and provides you with "you time" in a safe environment. You are 2 days in, a great achievement, just remember, day 3 is there for the taking. I hope it is a great day for you.

Welcome to Day 3 Toon & hat off to you for fessing up, that takes guts man 🙂

Great work excluding too as that should break the Time-Money-Location triangle but even though you are excluded from all the bookies in the world, maybe consider installing a blocker too? Lots of people have found this a useful recovery tool!

Hope you had a great round of golf & didn't languish too long @ the 19th 😉

14 months, WOW, whatever you have been doing since then is a blip, draw a line under it & move forwards with your recovery, this time safe in the knowledge that complacency is a beast that lurks within!

You can do this - ODAAT

Thanks for the positive comments guys. I really appreciate it and I hope you are both doing well.

so it's the end of day 3 and the end of the weekend and I can say I'm still gamble free. I've had a really great time this weekend spending some quality time with my mates. It felt good for once not to be constantly checking my phone for racing results or placing new bets. It's the first time in ages I've felt relaxed and not so on edge trying to put on a brave face and hide my emotions from my friends. Haven't hardly had any urges to gamble over the weekend as I've kept myself really busy, apart from when I'm sleeping and I seem to dream about betting which is a bit weird but I'm sure that will pass in time.

lets hope the week passes just as easily. Good luck to the rest of you.

Day 4 nearly done and another day crossed off. I've managed to keep myself busy all day today which has kept the gambling urges at bay. Went to see my gran this morning followed by the gym and finished off playing in a golf comp this evening.

Sport is a real passion of mine and it's the one time that I feel I can always escape my demons without and temptations to bet.

I gave some thought today to try and understand why I gamble and what are my triggers. I came to the conclusion that I think I just see it as a release and a way to escape to stresses of day to day life. Which is ironic because it is this reaction of gambling when I'm stressed or angry that causes all the problems.

As I'm writing this I do feel a little bit down just thinking about all the damage that gambling has already done to my life from my education suffering to the lies I've had to tell to friends and family over the years to cover up my dirty little secret. I'm just going to take one day at a time though and hopefully I can start building a more positive future.

Day 6 nearly ticked off and my first gamble free week is nearly in sight. I'm a little strapped for cash at the moment coming off the back off a big binge which isn't ideal as I've my mate is getting married in August and I've got a stag do in Berlin to organsise as I'm Best man. The credit card will have to take another small hit but I'm sure if I stay gamble free my finances will eventually recover. It's hard times like these that I really need to hold back the urges trying my luck to make fast cash.

Work is picking up as well as I'm a tennis coach and at this time of year with Wimbledon on everyone wants to play tennis for 2 weeks so hopefully more lessons will start coming in. all in all though so far so good. I've signed up to the 2015 challenge which as I can see has been inspirational for many peoples recover and I'm glad to be a part of it.