Hi everyone,
This is my diary.
I am a 23 year old, ex student, who has a beautiful, caring girlfriend, a home to live in, a degree, and a job to go to every day. But my life, like many other people's here has been plagued by gambling for a number of years. And today, the 11th June 2013 I have decided to finally stop. This is my story;
I was about 14 years old when I first started to gamble. Something about making easy money attracted me to it. I would use my small pocket money to gamble with my mum or aunt placing to bets for me. I would do it for fun, and if I won then fine, if not then also fine. I was too young to care.
Life was good back then. No family problems, I was doing well in school. My world soon got worse.
My dad started to drink, and quite heavily. I would be abused by him, not physically buy verbally, and the terror that befell my family on a weekly basis became all too much. When I was doing my a levels, I started to work for some extra money, and gambling was still a fun activity. I would put £1 on the football each week in the hope of getting something back to pay for the night out.
As I left school and went into uni, I became more free. I had more time, which meant more time to work, but also to earn money, and for me gambling now became a routine. I was 18 or 19 and became absorbed into not just betting on football, but on greyhounds, and ultimately on horses. And what was £1 would become, 10 or 100. I would routinely spend my wages for the month in be betting shop on the very first day.
I then started uni, I got into a relationship that was going horribly, I was miserable. And through student loans and work was being exposed to amounts of cash I'd never managed before. I guess a part of it was greed, but the scary thought was I wanted to gamble. I remember one day vividly in my mind. I went into uni at 9, for a lecture, but the bookies was right in front of me. And I went in. And I stayed in there all day. No food all day, no one to talk to. A cup of tea? I didn't want it. I was focused, like a hawk on that screen. I lost 2000 that day and walked out thinking that was it, it was all over.
I spent some months focusing on my uni work, it wasn't going too well. I'd split up from my girlfriend at this point but the gambling didn't go away. I was still spending vast amounts of money, but this time I had to turn to payday loan companies to fuel my addiction. I was spiralling into debt, and the worst thing was, I didn't even care. I just cared about gambling. About winning money.
One day I was up by 3700. The next day, all gone. I met my current girlfriend last may. She has helped me, both mentally and financially, and since then I have let her down. Gambling is a menace that I was to eradicate. I want to become a better person, I want to kick this once and for all. It is tough, but this is day one.
Hi dael
Welcome to this supportive site the support on here is amazin and will help u so much in ur recovery , firstly well done for admitting the problem and seeking help, at 23 u av all ur life ahead of u so even better for realising at a young age that shows great maturity
Stress in life and not dealing with it is ammunition for us to gamble take heart though knowing ur not alone , its frustrating for us that we can't be normal av a bet win or lose then walk away , the reality is we cannot win as we cannot stop and if we win all we win is stake to fund the next bet and when we lose we chase harder and lose more u know the picture we all do , that cycle needs to be broken
This site will allow u to get the support and advice u will need to start ur recovery , no one will judge u there is on right or wrong way dealing with what we av we just need to stop wasting our money our lives , gambling as a proven track record it will take everything it doesn't care it will rip ur soul from u
Its a hard journey but one worth making if mistakes are made be honest bout it but more importantly get right back on track dont go back to all that misery , one day at a time is the best way live that day enjoy it u can't control any other day , choosing not to gamble that day will give u the strength to fight the next day and so on , the brain will then start to function again be clearer and see what gambling is really for
It sounds like u av some fantastic support in ur girlfriend u av every reason in her to want to stop , ultimately only u can make it happen by making the right choices , all the information is on here read and read be inspired by many be horrified by what gambling has done but lives av been turned around
Today u av done something special something to be proud about there are so many out there in denial , from today dont look back keep stepping forward
I really wish u all the best
Castle2
Hi Dael, I, too, started gambling at a young age and was first introduced to it by family. I can also relate to the psychological abuse you experienced. I gambled for many years before it became a problem and now that I am 52, it's a big problem. I noticed that you haven't posted again. I've been on this forum for a few years now and only recently started using the forum regularly. Try to come here everyday... read diaries and keep posting your thoughts and feelings. Many of us are on this journey with you and understand the struggle. Best to you!
Good evening all,
It's been almost four years since this post. Where has the time gone?
I guess I am back on this forum and from the post above, so much has changed, but I want to stay as honest as I was in this post.
I am a compulsive gambler and a gambling addict. In the last four years a lot has happened in my life. It all culminated today where over the course of two hours I lost around £18,000 worth of winnings that I had accumulated in the space of a few days. I don't really know what I felt. I felt stunned to an extent, watching horse after horse go past the winning post either second, or third, or somewhere near the back.
I joined the 8pm chat today and there was a point made about how gambling changes us all. In the last four years I have come a shell of my former self. The girlfriend that I mentioned in the first post broke up with me last year, a large part due to the lying and dishonesty that became part and parcel of my personality as a result of my gambling. We kept in touch despite the messy breakup and I reached out to her today. The love had gone, and unfortunately as much as I still love her and want to be with her, I messed it up. As for friends, some have stayed, but a lot have gone. I suffer from immense trust issues as a result.
I think my gambling hasn't abated due to a number of things. As I mentioned above, I have been through a lot in the past 27 years, and psychologically I think I need some help. I've scheduled to be contacted by a counsellor and hopefully that's an option. But also, I think I need to make some more changes in my life. I just need to become a better person, I need to have some new hobbies and passions.
Life has changed a lot in the past four years but my addiction has stayed the same. Tonight it has to stop. This needs to be Day 1, yet again.
Thank you for reading.
Michael
Hi Michael, good to see you in chat, albeit briefly. Sorry to hear the last few years haven't worked out well for you. I am sure you know this condition needs constant attention and a huge effort and determination to beat, but it can be done. I would certainly say that therapy/counseling is an eye-opener. It's helped me tremendously. Obviously right now you need to cordon off gambling, so get busy with self-exclusion, and if at all possible look into someone else managing your finances, even taking control of your passport and driving license, so there's no way you can get hold of any money. Let us know how it goes. All the best, whatami
Thank you for your post Whatami. Things have been tough over the past few years, but as I have been told before it's almost as if I like to inflict pain and self destruction on myself. Professionally, things probably couldn't have gone any better. I graduated from University with a fantastic degree and worked in a couple of jobs before landing on my feet with a job in the CIty.
Personally however outside of the work environment I've suffered a great deal, and sometimes I don't know how I've made it here today. And I hope this is where counselling can help, I have always needed it, but chickened out and made excuses thinking that my addiction would go away. This time I know I need it.
I will continue to put the blocks in place as you have suggested.
Michael
Hi Michael, it was lovely to see you in chat earlier. Gambling does a lot of things for a lot of people. I can imagine it has consumed you like it has consumed me for a while. When you get to the point of loosing £18k of accumulated winnings, you know that you cannot win, and probably never will ever win again. Today is the begining of the rest of your life. Follow that counselling through, it will help and it will help you heal. Financially can you sort your debts out with a debt management plan? I don't even know if your in debt, but if you are that is a good way to stop the worry and move on with a plan in place. You need to heal my friend, and to do that you have some serious work to do on yourself. Gather those around you that care for you. Get that support in place and head down and look towards the future. There will come a day soon, when things become easier. My wish for you this week, is that you wake up tomorrow, and see that there is hope. There is a lot of hard work, and soul searching ahead, but you can do it. Keep the diary updated, and keep logging into chat, it has kept me going through it all.
Julie x
Hi Julie,
Many thanks for your kind words above 🙂
As you've said, gambling completely consumed me. On some days it would be the first thing that I thought of in the morning and the last thing that I thought of at night. It would take me away from doing day to day tasks and affected my sleeping and eating habits.
I have been in this position before and have either half-heartedly attempted to rid this addiction, or made false promises and gone about my life in the same way, only to relapse again and again down the line. This time I will follow it through right from day 1 until the end. Thankfully I have no debts, I have managed to pay my debts off gradually over the past year, however I am now at zero, and life begins again.
That's a beautiful way of looking at things and I hope that tomorrow I can wake up with hope that I can beat this addiction.
Thank you again x
Michael
Morning Michael, thanks for the post on my diary and it was good to chat last night. You sound like a younger version of me and you seem to gamble in the same crazy way as me. I'm 36 and boy do I wish I could go back to 27 and stop then as it would have saved me from so much pain and madness. I really hope you stay on here and find a way that works for you to beat this addiction. You really do need to consider self excluding from all the online companies and as many local betting shops as possible and also it would be a huge help to allow someone else to manage your finances.
Keep up the fight, I look forward to reading about your recovery.
Day 2
Today I think everything finally hit me. I feel worse than I did yesterday and I suppose the saying 'it gets worse before it gets better' springs to mind. Had a terrible nights sleep and had some terrible thoughts in the process.
Got a response from Gamcare today regarding an initial assessment so just waiting to finalise the details.
Feeling very strange right now. I have been here before where my world has fallen apart and it's a terrible feeling. I don't wish it upon anyone else.
"You should never view your challenges as a disadvantage. Instead, it's important for you to understand that your experience facing and overcoming adversity is actually one of your biggest advantages." - Michelle Obama
As upsetting as it must be to fall back in this situation at least you know that you HAVE quit before, it isn't impossible. There quite simply was something you need to tweak a little differently this time so you don't fall off the bandwagon once more. A lot of the stuff I would usually suggest you seem to already know so hopefully I'll see you around on the chat and keep updating this diary to see how you are getting on.
As for the feeling of your life falling apart. Take it in, and use it productivity to establish a fool proof plan for the future. You CAN do this man.
Good luck!
Thank you to both of you, the quote from whatami is a lovely one and shows that we build strength and courage by overcoming adversity.
I have managed to quit before, this is true Adam. I managed to go for around 90 days last year before relapsing. All in all it has been a very tough year. Today I sought some advice and opened up to my mum. Unfortunately, my mum wasn't very helpful, and because she doesn't understand this illness, or any other addictions, she only made how I was feeling a lot worse. It's difficult to go on living my life with this baggage being pulled behind me.
I was born and raised a Catholic, and much like my addiction to gambling I have become lapsed, and then attended church, then lapsed again. I am determined to become a better person and not just to talk about it, so I am going look for spiritual help too. Earlier today, I was in a dark place and started writing two notes. One for my family and one for my ex-girlfriend. But almost as soon after I felt something telling me not to go ahead with anything dark. I ripped the notes up. I feel like I need to somehow change my life for the better.
This illness is debilitating but we can all get through it. Day by day.
Day 3
Not a good day today, and probably worse than yesterday. Have started to feel the physical effects of the stress I have been under, cold sore, illness and was sent home from work. Head wasn't in the right place.
Gambling is on my mind, 24/7 and went onto a site, but didn't do it.
Need to keep strong, somehow.
Hi Michael! Dark thoughts are not uncommon. Feeling worthless and searching for life's meaning are things I think we all struggle with at times. It is unfortunate that your Mum can't help you deal with your addiction. My father is much the same, very old school. Mental health problems aren't real, it's just weakness. There's no way I have ever been able to get him to understand and that has caused me issues. Thankfully my counselor has now helped me see that there are some things we just can't change and have to accept and free ourselves up from worrying about. The fact I will never hear my Dad tell me he loves me, or is proud of me, or understands my condition, are now facts in my life. I have accepted and dealt with them, even though they bring me sorrow. I don't know whether or not you have seen a counselor before, but this is my first time and I feel so different because of it. Maybe talking to someone who understands but isn't a CG themselves, will help? All the best, "what".
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