My diary

Total fail. Snuck about in the early hours, was confronted, lied but then immediately told the truth but not sure if me and the OH are going to make it through this one. Never in my life has someone been so disappointed in my and they are perfectly within their right to be. Not sure if I'll ever earn the trust back as well as clear the debt. Feeling like the lowest of the low and a very lonely person indeed.

Well done for being honest, even if it took some persuading (my Mum can't do that - even if I showed her CCTv of the deed, she would swear it is someone else)! How on earth were you able to do it though? I thought all the blockers were in place? Until you get them in & get them in properly, you are going to struggle to beat this & worse still, you are going to get deeper into debt & maybe even worse, lose more than you ever thought possible!

You must have your Time-Money-Location triangle broken @ all times & focus on beating the urges one day @ a time! You need to have an honest chat & reach out to your OH, hand over your finances if possible. Get your friends & family to ring Gamcare if they need a bit of support! Stop giving yourself excuses to gamble (needing more money) & remember what got you into this mess in the 1st place! This is beatable but only when you stop kidding yourself that what got you into this hole will get you out! Even if you won every penny back, you would not stop! We cannot win because we cannot stop but we can win by stopping!

Gambling strips us of our self-worth, it takes, takes, takes, leaving just a shell of our former selves behind but you have the power to change this! We cannot take away your loneliness but we are here for you!

Chin up, keep fighting - ODAAT

I'm sorry to hear this red, listen to
Odaat everything she says is spot on. You are similar to myself I know for sure I would be continuing to destroy myself by gambling if I didn't have the blocks in place. Give your finances to OH or mum I'm telling, best thing ive done my urges are not there because I can't gamble its taken away any thoughts or even the worry of thinking about it. Come on red we can do this, think about the blocks and triangle and just do it.

No more losing
X

Thanks so much guys I really appreciate the support. It really does rob you of everything - I truly feel like a shell. Need to dust myself down, appreciate what I've got, drop the self loathing a focus on self control and respect. What I want most of all is just to feel good about myself again. Not giving up on giving up

5 days and counting. It feels easier now I know I can go for 2 weeks, amount of days amble free seem to rack up quicker which is reassuring. Certainly not out of the woods yet. Have a lot of making up and trust to earn back. Trying not to get bogged down and keep reminding myself to be realistic about it taking time. Not giving up on giving up

Good for you red, keep focused and get the blocks in place so no more slip ups. You can do this.
No more losing
X

1 week 🙂

Well done Red,

Keep going and keep strong.

Suzanne xxx

10 days already! Went swimming with OH this eve. Been keeping myself busy by sticking to a strict routine of house work, meal planning and cooking from fresh every evening. I so want to go back the gym but just can't afford it right now by that is my planned reward for next payday - new gym membership 🙂 in the past exercise has worked really well in helping me manage my stress and anxiety. I have no money to spare until pay day and am determined not to get a payday loan. If I can stay strong till payday have worked out I can pay one of the credit cards off ! Pluss I will have made it a whole month gamble free. Not giving up on giving up

That's great red I completely agree I am training more it's a great release mentally and physically it does wonders. Glad your doing well. Keep going.
Xxx

Nearly two weeks again and still no payday loan. Work is pretty stressful right now and feeling under the weather which is having a negative impact at home at times. I still feel so guilty about what I have done and not sure if I'll ever earn back the respect of the people I care about the most. It's playing havoc with my insecurities! I just want to feel strong and like a good person again but know it will take time. I wondering if it's best to be on my own at he moment but I'm also terrified of being alone. Need to pull myself together and be a grown up but I just feel so weak. The constant battle I have in my head is exhausting. I've tried counselling and tablets but it just never seems to take. Hopefully getting back to the gym will make me feel healthier in body and mind. 21 days to go which will also be nearly 5 weeks gamble free. Not giving up on giving up. Stay strong everyone 🙂

Heavy night and tired today but no gambling so successfully passed the 2 week mark. I should feel really good about but still beating myself up as the next few weeks are going to be really tuff financially. May still have to get a pay day loan but am trying to hold off as soon as possible, a) because it'll cost me less, b) I really want my wage this month to have minimal payouts from previous expense and c) I really feel like I've made a significant change to my lifestyle - which should feel great.

18 days. Had to gets pay day loan but juntas all one to see us through the month. This will be a real test but blocks are in place and OH is on board with the healthy lifestyle so I'm staying use cooking from fresh and keeping up with my house work. Just really want to get back to the gym now to manage my irritability and anxiety.

Should have gone back to the gym which would have been a positive step. 3 weeks achieved but now dusting myself off and sticking with wha I've learnt. It seems the longer I go each time the stronger I get so focusing on that. The lifestyle change has been reall helping as well which means s much easier for me to default back to a healthy routine. Just need to make it through till I can afford my gym membership which will be another positive step towards being the strong minded, determined person I used to be.

Not giving up on gang up