My diary

Keep going red

Opened an account but luckily didn't have any money to gamble with - tragic as that sounds but actually a blessing in disguise! Woke up next morning and immediately requested the account be deleted so still 9 days free thankfully. Need to look at my blocks again before pay day, I always seem to be able to navigate/wangle my around the blocks even tho I don't even have the password! Pay day my money is going straight on the credit card to pay bills as then I won't be be able to gamble with it either due to scratching codes off - hopefully a more full proof block!!also going re assess digital blocks again as I am determind to get through a pay day and the following month without fear and crippling shame. I've been back to the gym this week as well which is another good healthy distraction. 9 days has gone fast since the last slip and this has been a very stressful week. Proving to myself I can do it and the longer I go the easier it becomes. Staying strong and positive and not giving up on giving up!

Pay day at midnight. Blocks in place again and no urge to gamble. Feeling down tho. Can't seem to shake a disappointed feeling that I'm not going to get paid enough money to even make a dent in the debt this month - I know I need to stop focusing on this negative because I am going to pay off some debt and each day without gambling is another day I Will have money to live whilst also paying towards the outstanding. I will not give up on giving up - everyday I don't gamble is another step towards making things right and becoming someone I like again.

Pay day came and went. We got an old laptop loaned to us and I managed to lose £50. Obviously back to day 1 but the positives to focus on: £50 loss in relation to previous £300 loses, I stopped, really had a moment of clarity in that I was able to step back and see the destructive behaviour for what it was. The more days I rack up the more I focus on lifestyle and my relashionships the more clarity I get. Pay day all I could think was 'I'll never get out of this debt' and was really depressed, but I did g let that feeling totally destroy me! Hopefully the start of something.

Not giving up on giving up

Please keep going red you will get there seriously think about handling finances over then there is no chance of a slip up. Be strong and keep going
X

Nearly one week again 🙂

Been more than a week since pay day, have paid all the bills and still have money in the bank. Not much but I've survived on a lot more than less!!

3 weeks till pay day and have a job interview to focus on.

Still a long way to go but really trying to focus on the positives so I don't get depressed and start hitting the self destruct button.

All going in the right direction.

Thanks no more losing, the encouragement is always appreciated. Handing over finance isn't an option for me, but coming clean has really made the difference in making me reflect on my own behaviour. You're doing amazing! Stay strong

We can do this 🙂

Feeling down today.

just so tired and stressed/anxious about interview and my future income and being short on money just makes it a little more fretful.

Positives:

1 week gamble free again

even tho I'm feeling a little down not feeling the urge to gamble.

Spent all day focused on job interview.

Good luck with the interview red. That's a positive start and keep yourself focused on that. We can do this.
No more losing
X

Feeling more positive and stronger everyday. Having focus and really believing the positives makes all the difference to my general outlook. Feeling depressed has made me so paranoid, negative and passive, it takes all of the fight out of you!

Going to keep fighting

11 days till pay day. Not much fight left in me and now just put between the two people I care about most. Exhausted.

Finally the end of the week and family time to look forward to. Need to stop thinking that feelings last forever. Looking forward

Didn't even realise it had been more than 2 weeks! 🙂 shaky start to the week but just chatting it through and focusing on things to look forward to has kept me motivated and the house has never looked better. I can do this.

Not giving up on giving up

Focus on the positive.

The slips have started to become more frequent again. I have all blocks in place and haven't opened an account for a while now but managed to break in to the OHs. But today he agreed to close all of his accounts which I put in to immediate effect.

Secondly, I've been sat here worrying about money and forgot to focus on thisassive positive! This is such a positive step in the right direction. He's self excluded which is a massive achievement for him to get to this point and I have cut another (hopefully the last) access point.

So even though we'll be seriously low on money for the next 2 and half weeks the new regime is to - Take back control:

*focus on the now, right now! Is this moment ok? Nothing to worry about them!

*Focus on my health - how does my body feel right now? Not, let's keep worrying - coz that always helps! :/

*Tackling the urge! Cook a nice meal - have a drink with meal - sit in the garden - watch a movie.

Stick to the plan!! If being tempted - you will feel better in the long run and encourage more positive future behaviour by restraining and if need be - removing myself from the situation.

This is the new approach. And it is positive. Am now going to be content with this new plan and try to get some sleep!

Keep going red all the positivity is great. Knowing you have someone you can turn to and talk to is so great, my ex partner was not helpful at all and threw it in my face sometimes which is harsh because it took me so much courage to tell him and got nothing out of it. Oh well it's over now, hope you are well just get through those urges like you said take your mind off it.
All the best
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