My diary

Stephen - Like LML above I think you sound like someone we both used to talk to quite a long time ago. As with LML - apologies if it is not you. However, the story is so similar and life sounds so dismal for you. I suppose I can only repeat support and a little advice as the parent of a young gambler. Advice that you may have read before. I always suggest writing down an action plan of things you need to to to turn your life around and ticking items off the list as you do them. i.e. Ring Gamcare - be patient if they are busy - you will get through eventually. Start not to think everyone is anti-you. They are not - they are trying to help.

Try to cut down on the alcohol as that can fuel the need to gamble and can make you more anxious and short-tempered.

Concentrate on cleaning your self up - Spend your gambling money on getting t some new clothes, get a hair cut. Anything that will make you feel a bit better about yourself.

Try looking for things to do that don't cost a lot or save up your money to go to the cinema once a month. Running costs nothing and swimming is cheap and so are gyms now. Try and keep busy. Thee are even great things to watch on TV now.

Keep your finances handed over. Write a budget plan for the month between paydays and stick to it. Stay close to your family.

If you have anger issues or feel so depressed you can see no way out then go to your GP and see if you can get some counselling or there are Samaritan type help-lines you can ring.

Count today as Day 1 of not gambling and keep counting the g-free days.

I can see you find your workmates irritating but you cannot deny other people having happy chats about things and that is large offices I am afraid. How much effort would it take you to raise a smile to them or ask them what they are all doing for Xmas day etc? You don't have to see these people socially but it does help if you can try and get on with them all during the day. It might help you to feel less stressed if you start talking to people and it makes work far more enjoyable.

I cannot say any more to you now Stephen. Many kind people on here will offer you their time, support and advice but there is a point where you really have to start helping yourself as well. Hope this is Day 1 of the beginning of a new life for you, I really do.

Take Care

Dear Stephen 55570,

We're sorry to hear that you haven't heard back about counselling. I have sent you an email.

Best wishes

Deirdre

Forum Admin.

Still in bed and it's past 12. I usually wake up early on the weekend but the last couple of weeks I haven't had much sleep.

Felt a bit determined last night . The job sent around the travel bus scheme. Basically they would pay for your annual bus ticket and deduct it from your monthly wage. Would save me a lot of problems if I applied for that .

Then as I walked home I thought I'd buy an annual gym membership with my pay in two weeks time and get back into that.

But feeling down again this morning. Sitting in bed with absolutely nothing to do and no money to even think of something. I had planned on going for a walk but just feel down.

I'm in a WhatsApp group with some lads from a stag I went to two years ago reading the group chat this morning made me sad everyone going out with there mates or girlfriends for the Ireland match tonight.

Yea so just a bit of waffle and self pity from me today

Hi Stephen,
Great idea - get yourself signed up on the bus scheme and join that gym!
I'm taking you're the same stephen from before, hope you don't mind me being personal but you were a good looking bloke on your photo. I see no reason, once you've sorted your gambling problems out, why you shouldn't be able to contribute to the WhatsApp site yourself in the future.
Gambling wears us down and knocks, not only the stuffing, but the confidence and self-worth out of us. Get rid of the gambling and it'll give you a chance to build yourself up.
You have a job, intelligence (all the exams you've passed) and, if you can be determined to knock the gambling on the head, a future that will be worth living. You're so young, you have an income, the world is your oyster - get some help, make yourself a plan, get out there and start living again! x

I'm the same guy.
I've a problem with my eyes that you can't tell in photos . Trust me I look horrendous

I know you'll probably think its easy for me to say and l should shut up but there's people with many difficulties/obstacles which they have to overcome.
There are also many people in this big wide world who can see past these and love another person for who they are and not for what they look like. The only way you can give yourself more of a chance to meet someone is by being happy with yourself and I'm sure this will be easier if you if you could become gamble free.
Stop using gambling as your crutch. As you have found out over the last few years it doesn't work. You must try something different. You must learn to love yourself and feel you are worthy of being loved because the truth of the matter is, you are.
Really sorry if I'm going over the top but I hate to think of you living the life you are at the moment. You have so much going for you, I just wish you could find a way to break the triangle so you can never gamble again. Spend your hard earned cash on you because, as much as you dont think it, you truly are worth it x

Stephen

While you are in the house climb out of bed and get a pen and piece of paper. Write down

Positives of my life, even things at work that you are good at and all exams passed etc. and all good things I have achieved since a child

Write down what you could possibly achieve if you use all of these good points

Write down how you you think you could improve on anything by maybe looking at some of the supportive posts on here and reading them back

Write down any feelings you have about your anxieties about your eye, gambling, alcohol, just write it all down. It really is therapeutic and will also give you something to do.

I can see a young intelligent person who despite all of their anxieties is holding down a good job. Someone who is physically fit enough to join a gym (a good point to start meeting people and talking to the trainers etc.). So you have a strength of character that keeps you going. Use that character Stephen and listen to me and LOL. We seem to be sticking by you through thick and thin and hope that this time you are in for a longer recovery. Get that pen and paper now and start writing! Good luck.

Had some loose change left in my room on the weekend .

Gambled it out of pure boredom . Started a change of events .

Sold my possessions to gamble .

At home now trying to stop myself from selling my phone at cex to gamble .

Hi Stephen, I'd reccomend giving GamCare a ring and chat to an advisor? They might be able to help with how you're feeling tonight.

In the mean time, figure out how it went wrong this time. Once you do that you can start to put more blocks in place.

There's lots of support for you, you can do this. Take it one day at a time.

So I ended up going to a GA meeting tonight.

Found it very tough. Once I got there I wanted to leave

Once i started talking I couldn't stop. I did cry .

The theme seems to be to give up your bank stuff to another person . I've tried that and it hasn't worked out so not sure what to say

Hi Stephen one meeting is not a cure. You have to continue. You have to take advice and try to work towards a gamble free day. You should be putting barriers up to not gamble, not barriers up to stop help. If you gave ALL your finances to another it would work. That means pay direct to someone else, bills from that account direct. If you want to stop you have to stop making excuses. Be accountable by going to GA and being honest. You have to change the way you think. Today is the only day you can deal with.

I know one meeting isn't a cure .

The last thing I'm doing is blocking barriers to help. I've tried to get counselling and I have asked people before to mind my finances .

Really struggling.

10.20 on a Saturday night and I'm in bed watching tv.

I should be out. Having a good time .

What's the point in this .

I want to gamble every day. And when I try and stop I fail.

Really want to get a gym membership next week and a tracksuit and some clothes. But I'm thinking " ah you shouldn't spend money on yourself you've wasted so much money ".

I feel like I'm better off dead

Yes, you wasted so much money Stephen - we all have!!! For our own sanity we have to draw a line under it, accept it.
Of course you should spend the money on yourself!!! You worked flipping hard for that money, all those hours of studying and sitting exams as well. You have every right to spend any excess left on treating yourself. If you seriously don't want to spend your Saturday night in watching the telly then there's only you who can make the changes happen. I'm going to say this and I apologise big style if I upset you because I know you're hurting but you've been wanting to change for a long time now. Nothing changes if you change nothing. . .
Stop wasting your time, throwing away your hard earned cash. Get your head put into gear, you're the one that matters now. Get yourself a tracksuit, get yourself to the gym, buy yourself some clothes, get yourself that bus pass, get yourself out and put the photos to prove it on your WhatsApp site.
I'm willing you to do this Stephen, I know from previous posts that you are worthy of so much more. As gamparentanon has already said there's a few of us on here who look out for you, we all want you to succeed. I told you yours was one of the very first diarys I read and you stuck in my mind. When I came back to the forum yours was the first diary I looked for. Keep attending GA. Ask for help,ask for support, do whatever you need to to to get yourself out of this hole that you've found yourself in.
I've said before but I'll say it again, there's a better life for you out there. Let tonight be the night you get on the new road to finding it. We're right behind you every step of the way. Take care, you can do this! x

5.15 am and wide awake . Really feeling down.

No one to text and the head is melted .I've really messed up my life