It is time for me to get serious and start a diary. I am a 28 year old male who is currently residing with his mother.
The gambling started 5 years ago, I started watching poker on TV, played a few games with my family for fun (no money involved) and decided to give it a go online. Boredom could probably factor in this decision. I was hooked straight away but all was under control and I didn't do anything reckless for the first year. I then got a promotion at work and found myself with lots disposable income as I was living with my mother and paying only £50 a week for rent. It was around this time that I started upping the ante and as a result all my money started deteriorating plus interest. I took out 3 loans of £1000 and would have taken more but my credit score had already spiraled to rubbish! (I count myself very lucky that I was unable to gather more loans) Thinking about it I could have got more funds but there was a point where I had to draw the line at how much I was prepared to let these loan sharks rip me off. I think the most I paid back was £300 on top of the £1000 i borrowed. Do i deserve a pat on the back for that? Anyways, it was around this time that my girlfriend of 7 years rightly decided that she had had enough and along with my old best friend decided they 'liked' each other and decided to go travelling together, which was always her ambition. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my whole life but I have since managed to forgive her as she tried so very hard to stand by me. I still struggle to come to terms with how my best friend could betray me though, I don't blame people for turning their backs on me but not in that fashion, I really didn't deserve that! I wont elaborate on this subject but gambling played a big factor in the destruction of my relationship with the people closest to me and therefore needs pointing out.
Then theres my mother, my biggest love. She has helped me out financially on many occasions and I have been a massive burden on her financially and emotionally. I managed to pay back all my debts pretty swiftly but my debt to her is bigger than all. She has let me off rent many times and given me the odd £20 here and there for fuel or food which I am sure adds up to a lot. She has put her foot down now as her own finances are tight and blames herself for helping me out so much. It is soul destroying for me to know that someone who is helping me out should bare such criticism.
I haven't always lived with my mother, I moved in with my sister and her boyfriend after that moment of confession to the world and myself that I have a problem. It seems ironic but what a great feeling that is! Being able to openly discuss the issue with those close to you rather than lying to them or deceiving them, don't put it off! Confide in those you trust! I was renting a place with another ex-girlfriend for a year between 2010 - 2011 and only had 1 hiccup where I couldn't find my share of the bills. Although the gambling was present it didn't really play a part in the outcome of this relationship and I told her from the start that I had these issues. So now I am back with mum and still spending my disposable income on gambling. I've got to get out of here!
I was a curious poker player who was always destined to lose his way. My story is like everyone else's regardless of what gambling platform we used. I won a few times but lost many more times. From what I have read poker is one of the trickiest forms to deal with? I would have to agree with that as I can make a profit at the game but 2 years in and I started to open up the BJ table to try and make a quick buck rather than slogging it out for hours. This is how I managed to spend most of my income over the past few years. My name suggests I lost £20,000 but if I went through it all it would probably resemble a figure double that.
I'm really glad I came here just over a month ago, I have read many threads and left a few comments and now feel ready to make a go of this. I am working away until Sunday night but will be checking my phone and might be able to leave short messages. I posted a question about a GC mobile app? would be useful for me this week but I wont ask for too much, just a little help and support is what I am after.
Thanks in advance
Alexis
Day 1 - gamble free and it is nearly day 2 already. 1 day at a time eh.
Hi Alexis, well done tackling your problem. Ive been clean for just over a month, I found excluding myself from all bookmakers and installing gamblock on the pc really benefitted me as all temptation was removed. I wish you all the best. Bessie.
Hi Alexis,
Good to see you have a thread now & thank you for posting on my diary it really helps. I went through the Poker madness thinking that i could become a PRO, but how can a CG be a PRO whenevr I won at Poker I would either up the buys ins or losse it on BJ, mad either way, do I miss the odd tournament maybe I do on a Sunday night , but do I miss the misery that any form of gambling has caused me No I dont so 29 days on for me I am a lot happier than I would be if I played a tournament every now & then..
Keep going & I will look out for you my friend, keep clean
Thanks for the messages, its nice to stay in touch Andy.
I think it is time to get my diary back in the mix. I got paid a couple of weeks ago and withdrew £200 from the wall, the rest went on deposits online! I have since been paid in cash and have managed to fight the temptation of paying it into my bank account so that I can have a game of poker. I need to put some money in my account tomorrow though to cover some outgoing bills. I am off for the next few days and have already started stripping the wallpaper in my mothers kitchen ready for more prep tomorrow. She is away until Thursday so I thought it would be a nice surprise for when she returns. It really is the least I could do for her.
So 3 days off, not enough time to decorate and play poker! I've got to keep fighting these urges that are coming thick and fast as the next 3 days approach. I think thats why I am here typing away, I am nervous about paying more than I need into my account.
Tomorrow is 2 weeks gamble free - Got to keep battling these thoughts of mischief!
Just been to the bank and have paid in the money for my bills tomorrow and no extra. I have money available in my account until tomorrow so just need to keep myself busy in the kitchen today and all will be fine. Its amazing to think what could of been achieved if I spent all those hours doing positive things rather than getting lost in the world of gambling. The buzz of seeing my mums face and the lift it will give her far outweighs any buzz of winning some money which I know will only get thrown away again. When I won my last big tourney, sure I was punching the air and shouting out loud with the excitement but that faded within 5 minutes and I was back in another tournament already. I think that somewhere in my subconscious I already knew that it wouldn't change anything!
So, officially 2 weeks and counting... I had a funny thought last night when I was stripping the old wood-chip wallpaper, this kitchen has to be one of the worst jobs I have done when it comes to prep work! The paper is difficult to strip with the walls underneath needing plenty of attention, then theres the rotten woodwork! I cant help thinking that it is what I deserve and that things aren't always easy, it is also a reminder that life is tough with or without gambling.
OK, time to get back to it then, I would appreciate a comment from any GC reps as I will definitely need some support if I am going to get through this. I know that it is solely down to me but I don't want my diary to be like many others that slowly vanish down the pages.
Courage to you all
Another day of battling the thoughts of making a deposit and going over my overdraft but so far so good. This kitchen is in such a mess but the distraction is a welcome one, however it looks like I will need to plaster the largest wall and that isn't welcomed!!
Football on tonight so that is another good distraction (some might argue with that) ; )
Time for a well earned fish pie with veg
Courage to you all!
Hi Alexis,
I am glad to have found your thread, & thank you for posting on mine it has helped me to get to 51 days,I have looked you up but could not find you, not sure why. Keep those thoughts far away, I gambled in bookies mainly but for the last 3 years I couldn't wait to play online poker with the occasional bookies whenever I used up my my credit limit on line, which was every month,6,000 per month on 1 of the major sites alone. Do I miss it, I miss it so bad it hurts I feel sick sometimes,I played cash, heads up tourneys anything, speed poker was mad for me I loved it so much.But I don't miss the control it had on me I neglected everything & everyone around me, I was a very sick,sad person with this illness & done so much bad that I will have to learn from that now, I cannot change what the past is & neither can you.
You can change the future though & it's nice, all of the bad above is slowing turning into good & life is not so bad without poker,yes it can be a bit boring but a little bored every now & then is not as bad as this kick in the head this evil illness gives us.
Stay strong good luck with your recovery & your mums kitchen...
Thank you so much for the encouragement Andy.
What a rollercoaster! A scary and noisy rollercoaster, full of highs and lows but ending up derailed as usual. I gambled again.
I worked away on Thurs/Fri and a cheque for £600 also cleared on Thurs. Well, before I even headed off on Thursday morning I payed £200 worth of bills then decided to play a few 6 player poker tournaments for £20. I then went onto the BJ table and was down to £70 available in my bank account, I deposited another £50 and somehow managed to get it up to £640 ($1000). I withdrew £140 and headed off to work with £500 left in my poker account. Working away from home on Thurs/Fri was lonesome and I was lost in my own thoughts, I had soon persuaded myself that I would hit the tournaments hard over the weekend and go for a big one. My mother went away again on Sat until this Fri night, I have a week off and my only chores are to finish off her kitchen. £500 in my poker account, on my own, no plans to do anything other than the kitchen = recipe for disaster. I didn't even last out until Sunday and it was painful to say the least, possibly worst than the kick in the head that Andy mentioned. I logged back in yesterday afternoon and played many £20 speed, 6 player tourneys with my balance fluctuating but never dropping below £400. I played in 4 long tournaments, the first one I came 23rd from 200 with the top 20 getting paid!! I came 30th from 480 and got a few quid from the second, finished halfway on the third and then the biggie came, 20k prize pool with only 380 people to beat. I settled into the tourney just fine but for some reason I got itchy and wanted to play something else. I didn't want to return to the BJ table as I have already had my luck there so I opted for roulette which I have only played on a handful of occasions over the past 5 years. This is the painful part and apologies in advance but I am going to spell out exactly what happened as it is almost impossible to take and bordering on suspicious. Like I said I rarely play roulette so anyone with experience here can tell me if I am just unlucky or if I have been ripped off! I went through the history on the software to gather the following details. With £425 in my account I started to bet (in US $Dollars) 5 on 0 green and 5 on a colour, I repeated this 28 times changing the colour randomly. I then put 10 on 0 green and 10 on a random colour as before, I did this 25 times. I then went all in for 0 green, I placed 39 bets of 10 on green only, then a final $20 on 0 green leaving me with $0.75. I had just wiped out my poker balance, my pay from the job on Thurs/Fri and the £140 that I transferred from my poker account to my bank account on Thurs. In total I wagered 97 consecutive bets on green spending a total of $813 on that zero alone and I didn't hit it once. Now this could simply be down to bad luck and I have suffered many acceptable bad beats at the poker table but what I cant accept is when i bet my final $0.75 the green zero shows up!!! I mean seriously? The first time I drop the wager in 97 spins and the green that I bet on each time comes in! That is scandalous!
This all concluded around 11pm last night. It is now nearly 6am and I have barely slept with all these thoughts swooshing around. I know the wounds are fresh but I cant come to terms with it and wonder about complaining to the relevant ombudsman or authorities and have someone check it out.
I'm going to sign out now, I'm not looking for comforting words but any comments or advice will be greatly appreciated. Its just as well I did a big shop this morning and have a little cash left in my wallet to scrape through until payday, again!
i really must bite the bullet and stop thinking that I will walk away after I win my next big tourney. I tried to bite my lip at the time but I still ended up going out of that 20k tourney shortly after my loss last night.
Sunday and Day 1. Good morning all!
Ive just re-read my message above and have unintentionally sparked off the feeling of frustration. I bet lots of $10 on green and opted to bet my final $20 as a $20 bet rather than 2 bets of $10 - if I did bet $10 then another $10 then I would have hit green with my final bet right? Now that is the big question? I wish I hadn't noticed that now, makes me feel sick. I really don't trust the software but yet I still play it so I only have myself to blame. Either way it was reckless to begin with and I am not here to dwell on the past.
I am actually looking forward to a day without poker or gambling today. I got locked in yesterday and I think after all those hours of poker I simply got bored and lost control.
How's your Sunday going?
Hi Alexis
If you want to stop gambling you have to let it go. Sure, we've all spent ages thinking how unfair it is that we didn't win. The simple way of avoiding this is not to gamble. I kept making bad decisions - the decision to gamble. It's exahusting questioning the probability of a bad streak, why we didn't bank when we could and all the crazy hours locked into the addiction.
Why do you want to do that?
If you want to stop then download a betfilter, exclude yourself and focus on how you can live your life rather than waste it.
I wish you the strength to want to change.
Hi Alexis, sorry to hear about your blip, I too have strugled immensly today, Sunday night I was saying in the back of my head it will be Ok a tourney will be fine thats not gambling,its only a tourney, but I have held up tonight after reading your thread..This is the sickness that we have a mad thing I have stopped trying to work it out, because I cant work it out all I know is that if i have one little bet thats it the madness kicks in & all hell breaks loose the same will happen to you I promise you that.
Stay strong please...
I don't doubt your words Andy, and JS you are absolutely right, wining about it wont solve or change anything. I must also get the software installed on my computer as this is the only place where I gamble. That is the next step for me, can anyone recommend a free program? Otherwise I will have to wait until I get paid, I have hesitated about making that step but I need to get bold, get serious and make the necessary changes.
Hi Alexis
Thanks for popping in on my diary and your words of support. You play guitar? How long did it take you to learn?
Google K9 software and you download a 30 day free version. You will need someone to put in a password or no point having it really. Betfilter also has a 7 day free trial.
Best of luck mate. You can manage the addiction if you want to bad enough. I hope you can and look forward to reading your successes
Thank you for pointing that out. It is an absolute must if I want to stay away.
I picked up the guitar when I was 16 and have tinkered about with it as a hobby ever since. I often get lost in it, playing away for hours. Its a great way to relieve stress, let your hair down and simply rock out.
Stay in touch and have a positive week
Day 2.
Feeling a bit numb and lost today but not particularly sad. Although I am off work I don't feel motivated enough to do more in the kitchen and decided to browse around the forums for the past few hours. This place certainly helps to put things back into perspective. Why do I keep thinking that next time will be the last? Just one more win then I can pay off my car and be debt free, when the reality is; just one more try and I could end up losing my car. I think I have lost all sense of money or have never actually learnt the true value of it.
I remember reading in one post how one minute the author was chuffed as he found a quality loaf of bread that was reduced at the supermarket and then the next he was in a pit of despair after losing lots of money betting £100 a spin. That sums it up for me! Often when I get to the supermarket I have to make a decision whether I have enough to pay £1 for parking as well as getting the essentials. Just £1! With the money I have earnt alongside my small amount of outgoings I shouldn't even have to think about it, yet this simple, tiny procedure led me to break the law and become a criminal. I got a ticket on one occasion and asked someone who was leaving for their ticket as 'silly me' I had no cash on me and would only be 2 minutes (I felt so pathetic). I then sent it off with the fine to dispute it by falsely explaining that it must have fallen off the dash. I was successful and for a brief moment I felt clever, ever since I have just felt guilt and disgust. Pathetic!
It might be a good idea for me to write more examples like the above to refresh my memory of these situations that I have been in and to help me repel those urges and illogical justifications to have another bet. Does anyone have any similar stories that they want to share? Perhaps nothing too extreme, maybe something that in years to come we can look back at and have a little chuckle as to how silly we have been!
I am going to keep refreshing the forum tonight so If anyone wants a chat or running dialogue with me I will be here.
Courage to you all
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