My diary - Climbing out of the hole

I just replied on someone else's diary and thought I would copy and paste it here. It isn't something I will ever be able to chuckle at but it happened and offers me yet another reminder as to how destructive I can become when I am engulfed with gambling;

"I felt inclined to post as I too received some inheritance from an Auntie. (although I am guessing at £250 it was somewhat less that yours) She was my godmother and we used to write to each other once or twice a year (handwritten), she was very special to me. My first thoughts were to get a nice watch with it so that every time I looked at my watch I would know that it was a gift from her and that she was still with me. Well, i didn't get the watch. The £250 soon disappeared and that was without doubt one of or the lowest point for me. I felt so incredibly disgusted with myself. I bought the watch a few months later and still consider it to be from her (as it is one of the few more expensive items I possess) but I still did it, I made that choice and I must live with it until the day I die.

A way of getting over this fact is to remind myself of what my sister told me "It came at the wrong time".

I want to share this tale so that I and others can learn from my mistakes.

Hi Alexis...thanks for dropping by...neither a GC celebrity nor an addict at rockbottom...just a person who is trying to climb out of hell,so i'm somewhere in the middle..

Take care

I shall definitely invest some time in your extensive diary soon. (I am still puzzled)! I am sure there is plenty for me to gain from it.

I can so relate to your story about saving a few pence here and there but having little hesitattion about clicking away £1000s moments later.

I'll be taking a bit of inspiration from you by buying a cheap guitar next month and seeing if I can learn a few chords.

I am loving reading your posts Alexis because I know you are absorbing yourself in the forum and not making a bad decision by gambling. Although I barely know you I'm quite struck by your determination. I salute you!

Keep writing and keep making the right decisions. Look forward to reading more.

Hi JS,

Thank you for those kind words. I realize that making these notes and arming myself with the inspiration and experiences of others will really aid my quest of keeping those demons away. Your comments are very helpful to me also, keep them coming.

In terms of guitars, I started with a simple £150 squier strat and tiny amp but an alternative is to buy a cheap acoustic. I started with a few simple chords and melodies. It is tough at first and you will often think whats the point, you are a million miles away from playing your favourite solo, but stick with it, whether its a simple melody constructed of just 3 notes or a classic solo, the feeling of success is the same. My favourite band was Nirvana when I began, which was lucky as Kurt was pretty rubbish at the guitar so learning those riffs was quite straightforward but lots of fun. I have always been a huge fan of Pink Floyd but I still haven't mastered some of Gilmour's stuff. What a talent he is. If you type 2ku11y into youtube you will find some clips of me. Marooned and Black Magic Woman to come. Anyway, any questions then I will do my best to answer them.

Go for it!

Hi Alexis,

Thanks for your wise words over the past couple of days have been struggling but no bet, thank god. I will look to buy a new telly by the end of March now so thats my goal , is yours the giutar..

Well the priority is to pay £3k back to my mother for the car. I could buy the odd garment whilst paying it off as treats for successfully abstaining and in the future I would like to take a holiday which is something I have yet to do in my adult life. (Except for a weekend in Paris to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers which was just awesome!) A new guitar upgrade is always on the list 🙂

Andy take a second to think about something here. Time really has flown since you wrote your first post, the end of March will be here before you know it and you would have bought a new Sofa and big TV. Wow! And that is whilst clearing your debts. I'd be jealous to think about what you could own in 2 years time. I believe time is often the biggest healer so keep going. We are trying to climb a mountain and it isn't easy so keep those boots firmly on and consider those treats as your water and 5 minute sit down before the next stage. Keep climbing!

Although it is day 3, I don't really consider it to be. I think day 1 for me should be the day when I have funds available in my bank account.

In reflection of the past few days I have drawn some conclusions;

My mindset over the past 3 months has been to cashout £3000 and then walk away with my car paid off and no debts to my name. The truth is that I have probably spent that much already trying to achieve this. I should cut my losses and call it a day! Now if I can spend £3k on gambling in just 3 months then I can pay my car off in 3 months time if I am gamble free? When I look at it like that, it shows that there really is no reason to gamble.

I also need to get the blocking software installed on my computer and get someone else to type in the code without my knowledge.

I will grant my mother access to my banking details so that she can see if I have made a deposit. I would give her my bank card but I often need it to buy materials for my job. I don't use bookies or visit casinos so the card itself and cash doesn't pose a threat.

If I gamble again I am likely to up the ante and not be satisfied. We think that we can click the withdraw button when we get to our goal, sometimes we do but the odds of doing so are against us if we judge ourselves on our track record. When you are on a roll and hitting what you need to hit stopping becomes a much tougher option. You click again, you win again. You play with the money that is above your goal, you win. You move the goalpost, you lose. You are just over your original goal but still want to pay off the extra bit of debt that entered your mind a minute ago, you lose. Game over. A truth that I have to accept is that when I gamble, nothing ever goes according to plan.

Courage to you all!

I like your ethos of starting Day 1 from when you actually have money to burn. More strength is required to not gamble if you don't have any money.

Thanks for your notes on my diary. Enjoyed reading them and I have replied over there already but if you don't read it, type "Korean kid playing the electric guitar" into youtube. It's ridiculous!!

Stay strong mate

Hey. Keep posting buddy. I'm dan saff until Tuesday. Hope I get a chance to log in and that you're still enjoying the successes of not gambling.

Stay strong

What a terrible week, another week that I will soon forget about as literally nothing happened. I have done nothing but escape from the world and haven't even been bothered to do any more in the kitchen. The rest of the paints that I was going to get will have to wait until I get paid. Everyday I have been saying, I will start it tomorrow, then the next day, then the next, now I have just tomorrow to cleanup the house as my family are coming from across the country this weekend.

I'm not worried like I used to be when my family visit, they all know my situation and we can have open discussions about it. They will often give out good advise and I am usually left feeling more positive about the future. I am so lucky and love them dearly.

I haven't even gambled this week but yet I still find ways to embark on my escapism. Whether it be playing an online sketch game for 6 hours straight, getting lost elsewhere on the internet or watching endless amounts of Have I got news for you, I still find something to do that distracts me from anything that is more important or beneficial to me

I have been sleeping random hours and eating strange things at strange parts of the day i.e, frozen pizza after waking up or a big bolognaise at 3am, 2 hours before going to sleep. Over the course of a day and a half I had eaten just a bowl of cereal and a baguette with soup. I've hardly been out and have struggled to channel my gloomy energies through the guitar, so no inspiration there either. I could probably talk for hours right now and pour my heart out but I don't have the energy for it. The more I type the worse I feel so I am going to leave it there.

Perhaps I should go and see a councellor? I feel as though I have done a lot of talking and learning about my problems but when it comes to acting and making the first steps, I fall back down again, everytime.

It is time to emerge from my cocoon like state now, the washing machine has just finished and I also have some dishes to do before I try to get some sleep for phase 2 of my cleaning expedition tomorrow.

No bet since Sat but day 1 doesn't begin until I get some funds in my account.

Hope you are having fun daan saaaff JS

Courage to you all

Sunday night check in:

I feel exhausted! I have slept just 9 hours over the past 2 days and have been engaging in 1000% more conversation than normal. I feel totally drained and had to put the guitar down early tonight as I had absolutely nothing to give. Plus the buzzing sound that my setup produces seemed noisier than normal and that drives me crazy, the volume drops off and I lose all the sustain and it makes playing almost impossible. I have only thrown a guitar once or twice when I was young but I felt tempted tonight! OK rant over! (This diary is becoming useful for all manner of things, I just hope it doesn't bore you.)

There are many positives that I can draw from this weekend though, for instance; I will sleep like a baby tonight and be set for a week of productive work. I have benefited from the presence and love of my family. My mother had a nice birthday and it was good to catch up with my eldest and middle sis along with her fiancée, my niece and my grandmother. Their spirits always raise my own.

On the gambling front, there is still no money available in my account and I haven't installed the blocking software yet. Even after all I preach I have to be honest and say that if I was to have money in my account then I am 80-90% confident that I would make a deposit online. Hopefully I can get into a better mindset by the time that happens which will be next weekend.

OK its 23:57 so time to dash. Raised glass to a positive week ahead!

Hi

Just wanted to offer some support. You sound very low in your posts, maybe you should talk to your doctor.

I know nothing about music, so can not relate to you on that level. But you sound like you need a cyber friend.

So I will keeps watch out for you and try to help where I can, I hope you will do the same for me.

So tomorrow we both will not have a bet.

Stay strong

Dusty

Alexis5Y20K,

Thankyou for posting on my diary it is much appreciated. I don't think I am in a position to offer any advice but I can let you know about some of the rules I apply to my daily life. Before I do that I think it is important to understand the importance of accepting where we are and forgive ourselves for what we have done in the past. We cannot change that part of our lives and must move on.

Also, my problem is with roulette in the bookies and I don't gamble online.

Below is a list of rules I apply to my daily life.

1. I am not allowed to set foot in any betting establishment whether it be the bookies or the casino.

2. I cannot carry a bank card.

3. I cannot look at any betting slips or odds.

4. I cannot get involved in any conversations relating to gambling with friends or work colleagues.

5. Limit the times I view my online bank statements.

6. Stay positive always. I am not giving anything up there are only positive pyscological and financial gains to be had from not gambling.

7. Realise I am in recovery forever and never understimate the power gambling has over me.

These are my rules and when I stick to them I will not gamble and in time I will experience the great feeling of peace that we all once had.

Not carrying a bank card is vital for me in the short term. So many times before I would try to not gamble and without even knowing it I would pull over on my way home from work withdraw several hundred pounds, lose it and get back in my car and not understand what had just happened. No card, no funds, no gambling. I carry less than ten pounds in change to and from work. I find I am able to drive to and from work and not think about gambling now. It is almost as if I know I can't do it so the thought doesn't even occur. I was approximately 100 days without gambling before Christmas and slipped on a work night out. Had some drinks and ended up in a casino with my bank card. Rule 1 and 2 out the window for the first time in one hundred days and I ruined all my good work.

I have a fairly good system where I have a main account where my wages go. This account covers direct debits such as mortgage, car etc. I set up a standing order for a set amount of money to leave my main account to another account every month. I then take the same amount out every Friday. This is good for me for various reasons. It limits the transactions on my account. In the midst of my gambling madness I used to pay in and out of accounts every day. My local branch could probably pay someone off due to the time saved dealing with my account these days. Also, I am now getting used to working within a budget allbeit week to week. This practice shows me how little I spend. Most importantly, I don't have to worry about payday. I am used to withdrawing the same amount each week. It doesn't matter if it is the first week of the month or the last. I withdraw the same always. I promise you I find I cannot spend the money I withdraw and so it carries over to the next week but I still withdraw the same amount every Friday.

I am sorry for such a large post I am such a rambler. I certainly don't have all the answers and wouldn't be here if I did but I believe I have to change the way I live day to day otherwise I will continue to make the same mistakes in life.

I wish you well.

Tomso.

Hi Alexis,

When the money comes this is where you need to be at your best my friend, when we have no money it is harder to gamble but when it comes it becomes so easy.

I see it this way too, If I want money I will find money to gamble, so that has to be out of the question I must not want to gamble end of.

Put the blocks in place but then again if I want to gamble I will find a way to gamble, so in short I have decided to stop & thats the way I want it, Yes I miss it but miss what that chasing feeling, that feeling when you are all in with a flush & he has another flush , the feeling when your horse gets done by a milli metre I am writing about it & I feel sick of that losing sick feeling, dont do it my friend it will kick you in the gut so hard, you will be sick when it happens but I promise you if you dont have a bet you will never have that sick feeling again.

You have helped me along the way Alexis I hope to do the same for u...