My diary - Climbing out of the hole

Hi Alexis,

Everything Ok my friend???

Thank you - Dusty, Tomso and Andy as always.

Firstly, special thanks Tomso for acting upon my call for some advice, I really wasn't expecting such a comprehensive breakdown and for that I am sincerely grateful. I hope that you also got some benefit from it. Your post solidified the fact that we have to remain vigilant and plan ahead at all times as we can easily fall back at any point in time. I will be scanning over your previous post many times in the future I am sure. Over the past year or two I have definitely got better at not spending my last penny and paying my bills on time, I try to withdraw cash when a big payment goes in and make sure I have enough for the essentials at least.

Thank you dusty for pointing out the obvious ; ) I am very down at the moment and have been for a long time now and probably should see a concellor. I did go to see the doctor about 6 months ago and he pointed out some helpine numbers along with this website which I didn't really follow up at the time.

I should probably point out that I also have an addiction to cannabis which might explain my reclusive behaviours in my previous posts. I have been hesitant about disclosing this aspect of my life here but now I understand the format and integrity of this wonderful site, I realize that I have nothing to worry about and that If I want accurate advice then it is a wise idea to let my advisors know who they are talking to.

So, the doctor also pointed out some drug related meetings and helpline numbers. I spoke to an advisor for a while regarding my cannabis addiction and we concluded that it is simply down to me. I knew most of what he was saying after reading lots of research and spending many years learning about the addiction but I still fail to take those first steps too. I have smoked cannabis for all my adult life, I started at 17 and have had hardy any breaks from it unless I couldn't afford it. Nowadays, it is all I want to do and it probably contributes more to my lack of motivation, confidence and deep depression than the gambling. I am probably just delaying the inevitable by not seeing a councellor.

Thanks for checking in on me Andy. I hope this may clear a few things up for you also. I went to bed after my post here on Sunday evening and didn't get out of bed until 11am on Monday morning. I felt awful, I spent most of the day trying to shrug it off but it was the worst I have felt in a long time. I think it was because I let myself down by sleeping in. I didn't go to work in the end but by the time the day was over I felt much better as I had plastered my mums kitchen and got the house back into a livable state.

I think I have said enough for tonight so will call it a night.

Peace to you all

Hey Alexis

Just checked in and yours was the first post I looked for. When I write in your thread I am helping myself mate so here's some advice for both of us 🙂

Completely understand the feeling low - especially when there is a huge amount to do. It's a battle mate and the only way for us to feel good is to knuckle down and get on with it. There is a nice feeling knowing that we've done an honest days work or sorted bills or made a difference in ours or someone else's life.

I started making a list of things that I HAVE to do each day so I can cross them off one by one. I usually get at least 80% done and that is the magic number. 80%. If we can attain 80% of anything then we're succeeding mate. No-one can manage 100% all the time but 80% is achievable. Set it as your minimum benchmark. If I could play 80% as well as Eric Clapton then I'd be very happy 🙂

Dude, the dope has gotta go. I dabbled quite a bit 20 years ago and had I had the money can easily see that I may have been a coke head and I am grateful that I didn't get addicted to it. I have a friend who has used cannabis [amongst many other substances] for over 30 years and it makes me so sad to see her wasted. It prevents her from socialising, she is extremely paranoid and makes many poor decisions. It's really upsetting because she is a genuinely lovely woman who could have achieved so much. You may have your smoking under control and there may be loads of reasons why you use it and I'm sure creativity is one of them. Thing is Alexis - you're inherently creative anyway and the smokes don't stop that but they do get in the way of many other things not least getting out there - being with people, being a friend, sharing life and living yours. Have a think matey.

I read that you feel you'd make a deposit if you had some money. Have a read of the Reasons not to gamble thread. Read your diary. You sure you wanna gamble? Put the blockers in place Alexis. Google 'K9 software'. Download it. Ask mum to put a password in when you've set it up. Please.

You may want to know why I'm 'targetting' you. The reason is I am 44 and have spent 30 years wasting the financial rewards that I earned by making opportunities for myself. I feel like I am 18 again because I am having to start all over again. I would guess that I have blown around £500,000 in my life. Half a million quid!! When I imagine how different my life could have been and all the things my wife and I could have done with that money it makes me sick. But that's only one of the reasons not to gamble. So, when I read your diary and saw where you are in your life all I want to do is pull you away from making the same bad decisions I did. Only you can make the decisions about your life as YOU have to be the one that wants to change. I and others here will be around to lean on but I remain positive that you, me and everyone else here deserve the opportunity to live without fear of regret and hope for a future rich with opportunities in health, love and happiness without gambling.

Make a list of things you have to do tomorrow and get them done. Make a wish list of thngs you want to have in the future - anything from a new guitar set up to a car. Write it down and make it real. It feels good to cross things off these lists.

Be strong alexis. Keep writing.

Hi Alexis

Such honesty, the first step to turning this around.

Through my addictions I suffered incredible mental torment, and my self esteem was at rock bottom. I truly believed I was the worst the person in the world.

I have never taken drugs if you discount alcohol which I have also given the heave ho in recent weeks.

Everything in my life is improving, my mind is clearer and I feel that I am making good decisions . It is like coming out of a thick fog.

I have realised only recently that by not gambling you can stay in recovery, by making changes in your life, you can start to live again

Keep going my friend, if you want it bad enough you will get there.

Take care

Dusty

Hi Alexis,

I've got man flu and have been in bed all day feeling like death. The only reason I am out of bed now was to come on and read for updates on your diary. I have a good feeling about you and I am confident you are going to turn things around.

With reference to my previous post on your diary the list of rules I compiled are not mine. I have stolen these from other people. I have taken the advice given to me from more experienced individuals and have incorporated these rules into my life. I had to. This time last year I was a mess. I didn't know how to deal with this and I just continued doing the same things every day. We cannot expect different results if we do not change something.

I think JS123 offers you some great advice. He has applied changes to his life that have made him a happier more peaceful person. Why don't you try doing what he has suggested for a few days and if it works then great and if not you haven't lost anything. You might come on next week and notice that someone else has offered advice which is more suitable for you.

As I said, I know you are going to turn this around.

Tomso.

Such incredible advice and support from you all, I am touched. Thank you. My diary is already starting to become a future best seller, rammed packed with great advice and insight. We just need a positive plot and happy ending..........

Your (JS) method of creating a list is definitely a good one. I think it is imperative that I plan daily/weekly tasks as well as leisure activities so that I keep myself busy and away from the temptation to venture off into wherever it is I usually go - Nowhere. I liked your post for many reasons JS; 1) It's always nice to have someone who is passionate spurring you on. 2) Everything you said was right. 3) You made another musical reference. Apart from playing Wonderful Tonight back at school I'm sorry to say that I have never tried to learn any Clapton. It's always useful to observe the work of one of the greats, you have given me an idea.

Everything you mentioned in your post are the kinds of things that I often think of but again, I don't make the first steps. I am trying to break the habit of a lifetime and that habit isn't gambling or Cannabis, it's taking responsibility. I forgave myself for being a late starter when it comes to working hard and earning a living, its only been over the past 5 years that I have worked a full time job and earnt a decent wage. Before that I had always found some source of part time work and have only signed on once where I received benefits for a couple of months. If you read between the lines then you can probably figure out just how much my mother helped me out, which brings me round to forgiving myself for being a "late starter". I feel that I have lacked discipline throughout my life. Things didn't work out between my parents when I was 7. My father moved to Australia when I was 10 and my mother was left to bring up 4 children on her own, I have three elder sisters. Overall she did an amazing job and I cant emphasize that enough but she was never really tough with me, I twisted her arm a lot, made excuses and got away with little punishment. I had a complete lack of self control. So with all this taken into consideration I forgive myself for being a late starter. The problem is I am now 28 and 5 years past the point when I knew I had to stop the smoking, just as the gambling got underway! I am past the point of using my history as an excuse, I have to make the changes and I am capable of it.

I am feeling much more positive now after reading your posts, I have had 2 productive days at work and am getting through the days smoothly enough.

Keep the replies coming and remember, I welcome all firm and honest advice or opinions.

Thanks again

Thank you for your message.

I totally agree with you, we all have things that have gone on in our lives that we can blame for our addiction, so you are right to try to move on from that.

Free your self from blaming and then you realise It is you who gambles, no body pushes through the door , or holds a gun to your head to log on a gaming site .Don't take that step and life becomes better. Once I got this into my thick skull the recovery journey became easier.

Stay strong, you seem to be moving in the right direction.

Good for you.

Dusty

Hi Alexis,

Sounds like a pretty usual gambling recovery journey to me, plenty of ups and downs, plenty of admissions of past demons and most of all, a real determination to want to stop this madness called gambling.

Let me tell you this, this recovery journey is not going to be easy. But as long as you keep choosing NOT to gamble, there will be plenty of positive days ahead for you.

All the very best and keep reading and keep posting. You ARE doing really well!

GT

Hi Alexis

I do remember reading your diary actually, the day I joined this forum on the 18th of February. You have done very well and I'm going to cling onto your hope, as I am just behind you in days.

We can both beat this, I appreciate you showing an interest in my diary and I will continue to follow yours.

Have a good day tomorrow mate.

Thank you.

I already know that I am going to be sitting in a poker tournament very soon. If I had never opened up a BlackJack table then I wonder where I would be right now? Would I be here? Would I be sitting on a healthy bit of profit? Would I have upped the ante and started buying into more expensive tournaments? Probably the latter, the problem for me is that I have made a profit at poker and my history shows that I have come 1st in many 300-4000 player tournaments.

Now I know that the gambling has to stop if I want to live a healthy and normal life and I should just cut my losses but I cant get past the fact that I could win again soon. Just stick to the tournaments, grab the win and then run a million miles. I haven't read a diary as yet where anyone walked away on a win and I have read many opinions of why that may be the case. So why am I so convinced that I can do it? I know you probably think I am in dream land right now and what I have typed goes against most of what I have said in the past but I did it before when I paid back some debts. I un-installed the blackjack option from the software and played 3 months of pure poker, withdrawing when I got that 1st place. When I plan, stick to my limits then I can hit these heights. I am certainly not a pro and have no ambition to be one but I am confident that I could do it again.

I'm not looking for justification (I anticipate the opposite) and I almost feel guilty about writing the above but these are my thoughts. Maybe the most overwhelming piece of evidence is that overall I have lost so much so any small percentage gained now still results in a loss. Am I really capable of walking away on a win? Do I want to have a diary that may potentially tell a story of a guy who managed to walk away after that final win therefore encourage others to try! Am I in wonderland?

I'm not sure if people will roll up there sleeves and be energized for their response to this or the opposite by thinking I am an idiot and not bother. I feel like I'm letting you guys down for typing this but I have to, sorry.

Thanks as always

hi alexis

just read ur diary and wow alot of it sounds ike me.

was a mad poker player thought i could be the next big thing it and make it big. yeah won big tournys. but its irrelivant used to go and lose it on cash tables or would never cash it out and just leave it in there and come back when i was drunk or stoned out my head bad combination booze and poker and aslso weed and poker. looking back i think how the hell could any1 play a game like a cabbage not possible. not thinking straight.

either way my money all went back in the site some way along cus quite frankly had no discipline and was greedy. and greedy people cannot be become a a pro poker just like a compulsive gambler cannot either.

From the sounds of alexis u have no discipline either, i have to be honest with u mate. ur just like me u have this dream to make money playing poker. but u have to wake up my friend it aint gonna happen mate. ive been there poker takes over the mind mate and makes ya believe things.i dont want u 2 think im being harsh cus im not mate im jus trying to help u out.

u sound like a decent person that wants to change i like wot ur doing for u mum.

i read u plastered her kitchen is that wot u do for a living. thats what what i do for a living.

i would strongly recommend the gamblocker that people have recommended to u cus that will help u no end mate.

i used to think when i 1st stopped gambling what no poker at all what the hell. and yeah it was hard for the 1st few weeks but i dont miss the late nights and waking up feeling cr** in the morning for work or just thinking how much did blow last night drunk and mashed.

the only thing i miss is not being able to go to friends houses for a social game but what that leads to. destruction. and thats the sacrifice i have to make live a happy free gamble life. im 12 weeks in to my recovery and life is starting to feel so much better not having poker on the brain.

give it a real go mate hard work but believe me well worth it in all ways

all the best alexis and take care

redmanjim

Hi Redmanjim,

Seems as though we are quite alike. I actually work for myself as a decorator but have plastered the odd wall. All I will say for the finish is that It's just as well I have the skills to prep them afterwards ; )

Thanks for your comments. I went through stages of thinking I might be able to make a living playing the game but I am way past that now, I know that idea would never blossom into a reality. I guess I am just trying to hold on, perhaps looking for a consolation even at the risk of making the same mistakes again and falling a bit deeper into the hole.

All the best

i must of sounded a bit hard on u last night but dint mean it to sound like that. i used to think i was brilliant at it. i read books on it studied the game watched countlless amounts of it on tele. even used to watch it on tele while i was playing see if i could see my self on sky.

People say about the skill and luck factor.and yeah there maybe some skill but think how people think skill always wins eventually is all b*****ks really.theres a lot of donkeys out there playing the game they get lucky all the while which ive seen time and time again. and thats whats ur up against all the while.

10% of a field get payed. so theres another 90% of mugs that lose out. ur better off out pal and stick to ur decorating :). speaking of u being a decorator how perfect is that. im painting at the min. my house is council and the paint they have used cr**. im painting the ceiling. the paint aint sticking to it it keeps coming off. ive pva'd it and gonna *** on with it. am i best to pva between coats or let it go off fully and dry before i give it another coat of paint. ive never had anything like this happen to me then come to my own house and this happens lol just my luck

all the best mate and take care

redmanjim

Morning Alexis

How's your list looking mate? K9 Software. I remember wanting to be gamble free but still had this niggle in the back of my mind thinking I'm okay - I can manage this. Really, I was actually thinking, when I get some money I'll just have another £xxx and I might win. It owes me. You know how it turns out. Install it if you want to quit mate. Wife and I blocked both of our pooters yesterday.

Something to make you laugh - I have shingles on my b**t and it hurts to sit down. Lol

One step at a time dude.

Alexis5Y20K,

Hello, I hope you are having a better day today. I mentioned on previous posts the importance for me to forgive myself for my past mistakes and move on with a positive outlook for the future. I read your diary everyday with interest and it is my belief that until you accept your losses and forgive yourself you will not be able to enjoy the prospect of a happy, gambling free future. Believe you can do it and want it. I think as soon as you finish your last bet you are a non gambler just the same as a smoker extinguishes his last cigarette he is a non smoker. Don't wait for anything to happen it is already happening. That is the point of one day at a time. Don't think about 12 months down the line. There is no point in waking up upset tomorrow because of something you did today, yesterday or last week etc. Today I am 16 days free of gambling. 17 days ago I was in the pit of despair. I had two choices to make either chase my losses, which I have been doing on and off for the past 5 years or accept my losses and watch my debt reduce by not gambling. I had to choose the latter it was the only option for me that I know works. You mentioned you would like to win one last tournament and walk away but in a pool of 1000 gamblers how many do you think have ever quit after a win. You know this doesn't happen we only quit after a serious loss or when we think we have reached rock bottom. My debt is down now from what is was 17 days ago of course it is this shouldn't come as a shock to me I am a compulsive gambler and my biggest outlay of my own personal money is gambling. When I don't gamble I find I don't spend what I have. There is nothing else I will spend several hundreds of pounds on on a daily basis. I have several friends who are classed as social gamblers but I have watched these guys closely over the past few years. They are no different just merely on a different level. If they win their football bet they go back into the bookies and "reinvest" it on another bet thinking they are on a winning run. If they lose they go in the next day and try to win it back. They would never lose 250 bucks on a roulette machine in a few hours but they would happily place football bets of twenty pound per bet four times a week and rarely win. They think there is nothing wrong with this but are spending over £4000 per year. My point is nobody wins. Nobody goes in wins big and never returns. The system is designed to hook us for life. Repeat custom every time. You can relate this to smoking cigarettes or other substances. It is a drug which is designed to hook you for life. Be the one to break free from both.

Wishing you well as always.

Tomso.