My diary - Climbing out of the hole

Hi

Such honesty, it's ok time to look forward.

If someone said to me 4 years ago. Pay me £800 right now and I will show you something that will stop you loosing 40k , I would have jumped at it. That person would have shown me the future. You paid your £800 , seen the future, could be a lucky escape, and of saved yourself from loosing everything .

Lesson learnt , I really hope so, for your sake.

Dusty

Take care,

Hi Alexis

I have read your diary...I can connect with it, I believe I have at the moment immense urges...I need to read more and truly never go into a bookies again...Yes we can all win..In fact we are all winners on the 'wheel of fortune'.... You can work through your anger and that is the key to success...Another way to live long is to be rich...We all know that in the end after your money has gone around and around...you actually lose touch with reality, money and the people around you therefore you become endulged in a mist, carried away with that next bet....Losing is a painful thing and c'gs do not like to be beaten...Especially when two seconds ago we were so far ahead!!...I. like you, and everyone else, have to come to terms with the fact that gambling is an obscene game that strikes people from all walks of life and has no pity on the destruction it causes....

I really hope we can overcome our urges....One way is try to forget about any form of gambling ...Put it out of your mind....I will try to this too....

Easy li£e

Alexis5Y20K,

Hello buddie. The next few days will be hard for you emotionally but you will get through them. Use this as your opportunity to start again. Don't chase the money. Let it go. Forgive yourself by accepting that you have a problem. Accept that there is nothing you can do about yesterday or the last five years. For years I had great belief in my knowlege of football and was convinced that there was mass opportunity there for me to make money. My downside was roulette, yours is blackjack. There is a reason for this. Gamblers don't have the patience. We are chasing the quick money but we never realise it is the quick way to lose our money. Sometimes you need to lose big to realise you are on the road to ruin. Ask yourself how serious you are about quitting. What steps are you willing to take. Others have mentioned gambling blockers. Why not invest in this. This will be a positive step for you. People talk about putting barriers up a software blocker could prove to be your biggest barrier. Our gambling is different because I don't gamble online but I don't carry a bank card and this is enough to stop me going to the bookies. Very simple but very effective. Words are cheap my friend take one action today and carry it out. You seem like a nice guy be good to yourself and give yourself every opportunity to succeed. Will power is not enough for any of us we need to prevent the action. The brain is a powerful device if the opportunity to gamble is there you will have a difficult time convincing yourself not to do it. Take away that opportunity and I promise you will succeed. Remember you only give in when you stop trying.

Tomso.

Thanks guys.

I know it is time to stop, i knew it a long time ago. I also knew that if I put the block on my computer then that would make a huge difference psychologically and give me a head start. I didn't want to let go, I must do so now as I want to live a gamble free life. I will 100% put the blocks in place when my mother returns at the weekend, I need her to look after the code.

I am working on a house worth around £1.5m tomorrow so I am going to concentrate on the positive impact that the situation can offer, not the opposite.

I'm too tired and my mind is all over the place to talk more so bye for now

Alexis5Y20K,

One more thing in my experience no good can come from asking anyone for a loan this close to a gambling loss. You don't have to pay your payday loans back tomorrow and by asking your grandmother for a loan only gives you desposable funds to lose. Wait. Let time go by and think rationally about this decision in a few days time when things settle down. One of the biggest mistakes I made was to ask my mum for a loan a few years back. As soon as I got it I was back down the bookies trying to win my cash back. Besides you are only swapping one debt for another. I am a hypocrite offering this advice because one of my major flaws with gambling is my lack of patience. Big problems become little problems with time I am learning this more each passing day where I do not gamble. In time things only get better but we have to work for it. People are drawn to your diary and everyone wants you to succeed. I know you will.

Tomso.

Thats very kind of you Tomso, I am routing for you also.

The advice is sound and I am aware of what you talk about, thanks for reminding me. In situations like this then I am usually the first to organize any funds so that I am not in a position to gamble it. It is sad to say but I don't trust myself. For example, I wanted to gather monies from everyone to put towards new blinds, light and kitchen bits for my mums birthday. I told them to give the money to her.

Well done to you on your fantastic progress so far mate, I have been looking for your updates.

All the best

You seem like a decent bloke Alexis which is why it is upsetting to read your recent derail. We all WANT to be gamble free but not everyone is prepared to put in the graft to BECOME gamble free. As you know, the test comes when we have money in our pockets. It's fairly easy to abstain when we don't have access to money.

I've done exactly what you did. I thought I was good at playing Texas Hold'em and was probably up or at least even on poker alone. However, just like you, the killer was the other online games - particularly the slots. When I knew you were going to play I knew that it wouldn't be the poker that was the problem. The entry fee for poker and up to 7 or 8 hours of gaming is about the best value online gambling. But that's like saying syphillis is the best of the venereal diseases.

Like everyone else Alexis, I am routing for you. I just wish you were routing for yourself. If you gamble then you can't be as you cannot win. Even if you made a final table you'd still blow it on BJ. 'I cannot win because I cannot stop'. Please tell me if I am wrong mate 🙂 It is only because I recognise so much of my previous behaviour that I want you to travel a different path. Speaking of which:

The Road Less Travelled by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear,

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I marked the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

================================

I am looking forward to hearing your successes when you're ready Alexis.

.

Hi Alexis sorry to hear the bad news, remember 1 thing its not about the £800 thats gone its about what u do now, clock them days up my friend & life becomes easier, easier & much more rleaxed & fun. You & i both knows the answer to what happens if we have that 1 go.

You have to learn form this now....

Good to hear from you Andy. An appropriate time for such a poem also.

I do indeed have to take the right path now. I mustn't look back with regret, I must continue until I reach the next fork in the road whilst being content with my decision. Returning to the previous place would be a huge step back in time and I don't ever want to go there.

I mentioned before about not clocking days until I get some money and I will do the same now. I actually thought I may have a better start of quiting if I did it when I had money but now I have to wait for another month before that becomes a reality! When there are no funds available, I cant feel proud of not gambling. However, the excitement of my next opportunity to gamble gradually builds up as pay day draws closer, this time I will not let that happen. This is it, no more!

My day has been mixed so far and I feel as though I haven't been present for most of it. I'm not beating myself up but I am not ecstatic about the future. I pulled myself out of my velcro bed this morn and actually had a laugh with the contractor when I met him at 9. I felt alright. I was only carrying out remedial work (touching up) so it was a welcomed easy day. I tried to think of some positives that I mentioned in my last post that I may be able to draw from working on such an amazing property but money, values etc wasn't something that I wanted to think about. The only real boosts I got was whilst chatting with the clients and when I saw their brand new grand piano which wasn't there the last time I was on site. Was I tempted to play it when they went out? You bet I was, I can imagine the acoustics in that huge room are breathtaking but I wouldn't dare put my grubby fingers anywhere near those ivories. Another interesting side of today was just how much money I seemed to see all over the place. Jars here and there of money, purses, wallets lying around, car keys, house keys, keys to that piano! Unfortunately I don't know where the key for the shotgun cabinet is so I better not take any risks. Just so we are clear, I had to go in nearly every room for work purposes!

I guess today has been less painful than I thought, but at the same time, it is difficult to feel pain when no-one is present to feel it. Shower time now, I need to try to invigorate myself a little.

Hi Alexis

Sorry to hear about your relapse, but glad that you are thinking a little more positive. I know what you mean about not wanting to measure yourself until you have some money! I haven't gambled in 13 days now - but then I've had no money at all! However, the way I feel about gambling right now, it actually makes me feel sick to the stomach at the thought of it!

Anyway, just wanted to say that I'm keeping touch with how you're getting on, and chucking a whole load of support your way! Hope it's all uphill from now on!!

Alexis5Y20K,

Hello buddie, great to hear from you. Just a thought on your idea of not clocking up days until you have money. What are you waiting for? Today is day 1 my friend. Count those days and be proud. This is a game of psychology. Don't get through the day and think today I didn't gamble because I didn't have money. Get through the day and think today I didn't gamble because I choose not to, because today I made the decision never to gamble again and I will never doubt my decision. Count those days up and pat yourself on the back every night when you go to bed gamble free. You are waiting for something to happen. Don't do that. It is already happening. Everything in life is pyschology. We can choose to be happy or we can choose to mope and be sad. I honestly believe that. Don't get me wrong I have had a terrible day at work and don't walk about with a constant smile on my face but I can be happy about the things I choose. Today I will not gamble and that is enough to make this day a good day regardless of all the other rubbish in my life.

Another reason for me to be happy is to have you back with us. We were worried about you the past few days and I am sure there are plenty of others who will agree with me. As previously mentioned, I have a good feeling about you. You are destined for great things.

Tomso.

Oh Tomso, your are too kind. Thanks lostmymind, i just hunted out a diary but see that you don't have one. Why not give it a try? No rush.

You are right about the days Tomso, I will remember yesterday as being my last day of gambling. Something that I struggled to ignore from all the advice given to me before my slip was how I had already made good progress. When the day to gamble finally came around it was actually a complete anti-climax. Not because I racked up debts, I mean during the day. I had been itching to do it for days but, when I woke up on Tuesday I worried what the day would hold for me. I thought I would be rushing around like crazy, get everything done and then the fun action would begin. The truth is, poker is incredibly boring and believe it or not, I hardly even thought of it during the day whilst I went about my business. I think that proves that deep down I don't actually want to be a part of it, I don't need it, it is just routine now. Going through the motions. But no more!

I need a change of routine, which predominantly means giving up the wacky baccy (as others like to call it). I am going to try and knock this on the head too and will openly discuss it here. This diary may prove to be very useful for me.

Heres to a positive change.

G-Day 1

W-Day 0

🙂

Hi alexis, had a bad dream last night & when I woke up I am glad it was a dream. I dreamt that I had been playing poker won loads not sure how much & then guess what I blew the lot. Even when we sleep we know what happens if we start to gamble, I suppose that is the scar that it leaves us.

You see when we have this addiction Alexxis the outcome wil always be the same whethe we win & get out of trouble we will always end up losing the lot , I am glad it was only a dream, but even when we are dreaming the end result is always the same . We loose..

Good luck today my friend.