My diary - Climbing out of the hole

Evening

You can do this, I just read some of your posts to other people. Just follow your own advice and it will be a doodle. Ok maybe not a coddle, but you can do it , all you need is to want it enough.

You write very well, do you enjoy writing in general ?

Any ways , as the old saying goes stay outa trouble !

Dusty

Hey Alexis

Thanks for posting in my diary.

I've had a read of your diary and there's some interesting things in it like replacing one addiction with another.. a less harmful one though! I have been scouring the internet and reading up about gambling..(guess that's my new addiction!) just lots of different theories on how to overcome it! In the main, they are very helpful.. knowledge is power as they say and I guess that when I gave up for 4 months before, I didn't really know the dangers (even though I should have) of relapsing. So, naively, I thought that I could control myself when I did go back to it.. I am far more knowledgeable this time.. and hope that will stand me in good stead in the future. Of course, I am very much like you in as much as these 18 days that I have been gamble free, I haven't had the money to gamble with even if I wanted to.. and in a way I feel a bit of a cheat! So, like you said before, the time for counting gamble free days comes when you have access to money.. that will be the real test I suppose! But I have excluded myself from everywhere and handed my cards over to my mum so hopefully I will stay off it.

Maybe this week is your test? I really hope that you take the advice of the good people that have posted on your diary. Make productive use of your time.. get out and about, don't sit at home alone and let dangerous thoughts enter your mind. And if those thoughts do enter your mind, then come on here straight away, talk about it, give others a chance to talk you out of it... and come Friday you could actually realise those milestones!

I know you can do it mate... just believe it!

Alex,

Get the thought of going to the bookies out of your mind. It is the absolute pits. People say that I am lucky because I never gambled online. I think you are lucky because you have never had to endure the public embarassment of sitting at a machine right in front of a massive window big enough for everyone to walk/drive by and notice you sitting in despair talking to yourself with disgust and self loathing etched all over your face. People you may know come into the bookies and walk over to you trying to strike up conversation but clearly at that moment you don't want to talk to anyone as you get more and more irritated by that persons presence. Hours can pass and the same person or others come in and notice you are still there sitting at the same machine with the same look of panic on your face. I used to feel good in the bookies but not anymore. I used to remember times when I went with friends and it was all a laugh but not anymore. When I drive by my local bookies you see the same sad faces pressed up against there machine of choice and you never see a smile. It is all the same they are chasing and won't leave until it is all gone. The bookies is a graveyard for a problem gambler. We all have enough troubles in our lives why add another problem. I am in my thirties and have never smoked weed. Would you advise me to take it up now?

One day at a time.

Tomso.

Thank you Dusty, I do enjoy writing but don't consider it a hobby or anything, writing a book would be awesome and has lingered as a small idea for a year or two. There's always time. The problem is, I am past the age of producing an autobiography so I could never break into the industry ; ) There was a joke in there somewhere. Bloody things are everywhere.

Thank you for the warning Tomso. You definitely sold the idea of not going. I appreciate your time as always.

Good to see you Lostmymind and thank you also.

I only came here right now to post one thing that came up just now;

So I have watched enough Lion documentaries for one evening (2 - 3 hours worth) and suggest to myself that I go to bed, but I remain glued to the screen "I know.." I will quickly check my bank balance online. This is now a potentially dangerous move which I think Tomso highlighted before. I already know what the balance is!?? So i see money available, I am immediately thinking of how to play, where to play. Uninstall betfilter? Reinstall windows? This moment passes within 20 seconds as it is far too risky given what I need to pay soon. Then I remind myself of my previous horrors.

I will never win or be happy until I stop!

Night all. Or should I say "Gooooood morning"!

Good morning to you too,

Swatted away that urge , tried to think of something to do with lions but no not quite as lyrical as you. Hang on while I paws for thought. Ok so it was the best I could come up with. Surely deserve a bit of credit for making the effort , even if it was a bit lame. Oh dear there I go again.

Hope you are planning a full an exciting day so the boredom does not set it. Do not suppose cleaning all your brushes will do it , lol.

Take care stay strong.

Dusty

Yo,

You are now the undisputed champion of the loin posts.

Having said that you did have an unfair advantage as you watched 2 hrs the night before.

Hope you are feeling a bit more settled.

Take care

Dusty

Hehe Dusty. TY.

Again thank you to lostyourmind, you gave some great advice and I really appreciate your time and concern.

So in bed and asleep before 2am and I get out of bed at 1:30pm!! I think I actually woke around 10-11 but my body remains asleep whilst my mind begins to wake. Smoking this stuff as much as I do has really messed up my body and mind. I am so very withdrawn and fatigued. I must conquer this problem very soon as it is this thats brings me down the most. I always feel crappy when I stay in bed for too long and my head feels somewhat heavy.

I have been lifted by Dusty's comment but haven't planned to do much today. I have been shopping for some grub and sorted out the bins and recycling. Now I am here and plan to play a sketch game for a while. Escapism? Probably! Another boring, wasted day ahead in the life of a drug addict!

It is very similar to the gambling! Just one more then I stop. I have thrown it away many times in the past to then go and buy some more the next day or sometimes the same day! Right now I have enough to last me until tomorrow at some point. I am neglecting my list of things to do and am pushing it back just like doing the kitchen a couple of weeks ago!

I bet this post will make lovely reading for me in the future, (sarcasm) it is horrible to write these things publicly but I am desperate. I need help and you guys are proving to be a positive in my life. I can not be overly proud if I want to tackle my issues. It is what it is.

I can only thank you guys again for all of your continued support and funny posts. Today I am happier, I am happy that I haven't gambled for 3 days when I have had the funds to do so. For me this is a big achievement, but not enough, I must trek on, one step at a time.

G - Day 3

W - Day 0

Hey Alex

Just checking in to let you know there's a bundle of support coming your way from me!

You sound down, but you should cheer up mate. 3 days is great and especially when you have access to money - you should be very proud of yourself! Not sure how to advise you on the weed though.. never touched it myself. But I guess deal with one addiction at a time eh? Unless of course, one leads to another?

Anyway, I always look out for how you're getting on and hate to hear you being so down on yourself... you sound like you could have so much going for you.... maybe do some writing? Who knows, before long you could have a best seller on your hands! I would defo buy it!

Take care mate 🙂

Keep strong you goonie 🙂

Keep going mate. We are all rooting for you. You can do this. It is hard but necessary. I have become a man at 45. Bit of a late developer you know. Like I said you're a young guy. Use your life and don't waste the years away like I have.

Ian.

Hi alexis,

Yes that dreaded weed,I know all bout that one too, I am doing more of that since I have eased up on the gambling, if its not 1 its another, but since I have stopped gambling I feel that I can stop anything, so I tend t take 1 addiction at a time too I hope that helps.

Stay strong my friend..

Morning,

Just a quick, hope all is ok , stay strong.

Dusty

Just touching base. Hope you're ok and at the very least playing some toons.

Another positive that I have gained from GC is more friends, I am not alone. You guys are fantastic, reading the replies this morning has given me some important strength. Thank you.

I feel much better today. I have developed a routine when I don't work and it revolves around self destruction. I think I was conscious of the nothingness I was about to embark on when I typed my last post, It is difficult to feel happy or excited at those times. In the end I played my drawing game for about 5 hours yesterday, I watched football (Chelsea), had a Jam which was actually really good and spoke to my sister for an hour or so. So it wasn't such a damaging day after all.

I slept well last night and got up early today, (10:20 is early for me on a day off.) I didn't want to feel like I did yesterday so I pulled myself out of bed at a reasonable time with a strong coffee.

I have decided to go cold turkey tomorrow, I cant remember the last time I went without it, it has been a long time and I have smoked relentlessly over the past 6 months or so since moving back into my mothers. When she is home I spend a good 1/3 of my time in the garden with my phone, headphones and smoking. This really is no life! It must be awful for my mother to witness her son damage himself in this way right under her nose.

I feel motivated as today is my fourth day without a bet. Something feels different, there is no trying to convince myself that it is a good idea or a risk that might pay off. The betfilter runs out today so I will get onto that at some point, I don't want to give gambling any more thought at this moment in time so it can wait.

I wont be crossing items off my list today, I need to get prepared for tomorrow and I will definitely need things to do then. I am going to take it easy today.

I hope everyone is in good spirits today!

G - Day 4

W - Day 0

Hey alexis. is it weed u r also trying to stop.

as u know mate i used to smoke that evry night with drinking and gambling.its just a habit and routine u have to try and break.

its hard for the 1st few weeks stopping it mate but after ur head will startto feel fresher and u feel more normal again and can make better decisions again. i know its hard to stop the weed mate but give it real go. i packed it last september dont miss it. although we did have a spliff in amsterdam in the pub lol all legal in the pubs lol. big mistake mate already being steaming from the days antics a bit of weed and i was kod in the toilet in 1 of the bars we were in for a good hour or so. bad times mate felt nasty.

u break the cycle with the weed mate and ul find it easier with the gambling . 4 days without a bet good start. keep it up mate

take it easy mate

redmanjim