My diary - Climbing out of the hole

Alex,

You are doing well my friend. Keep up the good work. I think it will be vital for you to sort out your betfilter and I am sure you will do this. I notice a difference in your posts and I think you are putting a lot of effort into sorting your gambling issues. I like this. There is a lot of interest in your diary. People recognise the goodness in you and genuinely want to see you succeed. It certainly cheers me up when I read your daily post and see your day count jumps up by another day.

Keep up the good work.

Tomso.

Hi Alexis

First time I av posted on ur diary , I av seen posts u av put on others diaries and av to say am full of admiration for how much effort and time u put in to help others I know it's so difficult to post on everyones and from my time on here Theresa tendency for groups to click which is understandable , I av started to read ur diary and ur honesty and outlook is so refreshing I know we are all here for the same reason but u give that little bit extra just wanted to say well done for been a credit on this wonderful supportive site

Castle2

Thanks Castle - I see that you are also very active here and I pick up advice from you whenever I see your posts scattered around on others diaries. Keep up the good work. I have been meaning to catch up with your diary, it is a shame that there are so many others that also need the support, too many! : (

Another thank you is due for Tomso, you have proven to be of great help to me and I am forever grateful for your kind support. It is funny but whenever I read your diary I struggle to find advice to give you as you seem to have all under control. Also keep up the good work on yourself and for others.

Thank you Redman - I'm looking forward to sharing the highs and lows of the Euro's with you this year.

Day 5 gamble free and it feels great. The betfilter expired last night so I now have access to gamble sites (I checked once). I have money available and more due to arrive in my account anytime now. As I write this I realize that it would be a good idea to get straight onto it after I post this ; ) I will. It felt good last night, looking at that site but not flinching or having any ideas of having a quick bet. I say good but it was actually an incredible feeling, I was in control, I had the strength, it felt right and I felt proud. How good am I going to feel in just 10 days time?

I bought some more wacky baccy (£10), "just one more"! I know the first few days are going to be tough and I need more prep time, plus I gave in. I was doing more research yesterday and have started to put things in place. I will be armed with some paperwork, I have written a contract with myself to stop tomorrow and spent time writing reasons to stop, barriers to put up, identifying vulnerable times and how to counteract etc etc. I need to get my mind together as I have with the gambling before I stand a chance of taking my first steps.

Today I am happy, it would have been nice to be write W - Day 1 but it wasn't to be and I am not going to be down on myself.

I had another awesome Jam yesterday and that is always a good sign. I even cracked out the mic and was singing which is another good sign for me, not for the neighbours though. I used to write lots of songs when I was 18-21, some good, some not so good. Nowadays I struggle to write, the guitar parts are easy enough but as I am so down I can only produce the tones of a battered individual. I don't want to write depressing music! I want to be giving off positive vibes but I drone and worry that I will make people wallow whilst they listen. So I don't really write lyrics / vocals at the moment. I just need to clear my head and I am sure it will all start to fit into place. Watch this space.

Ok, I am waffling now. Time for a little grub and some good vibrations.

G - Day 5

W - Day 0

Betfilter installed and valid until 24th : )

alex.

I have just read through your diary fella,and may i just say you certainly are reaping what you sow. You give some brutally honest evaluations of your gambling addiction and your emotional state of being and I feel through your diary you are growing from strenght to strenght in your quest to live a gamble free life,which i am sure if you keep tackling it with the same vigour fella then you will achieve on a long term scale a better place to be.

duncs stepping forward one day at a time.

Thank you Duncs (Jam Duncs) ; )

"Bye Bye Sadness, Hello Mellow and what a wonderful day"

Alex,

I am sure you are capable of writing some incredible lyrics and in time this will come back to you. As for today, organising your betfilter shows me how far you have come in such a short space of time. Before, and don't take this the wrong way, I suspect you would have talked about it and not necessarily acted on it. You approach to your gambling is changing. I see this every day.

Tomso.

I did just read you installed betfilter right?! Woohoo!! Now it's time to celebrate - that's great news Alexis. Blocking yourself is the support you need Alexis and by installing it we - the extremely lovely, good looking, intelligent and comically gifted people here who think about you, know you are ready to start your recovery. I for one am thrilled and, as always, will be walking with you to share your successes.

P.S. If I learn that you've written the 24th on your calendar as an opportunity to gamble I'll personally come round and shove a verse up your iambic pentameter 🙂 You have a week to save up £60+ to buy a license - it'll be the best money you ever spent mate.

Now, go and pop the kettle and scribble some lyrics. We're looking for an anthemic song to celebrate!

Evening

the extremely lovely, good looking, intelligent and comically gifted people here who think about you

Couldn't of put it better myself.

Dusty x

I was doing so well but yesterday I slipped. It was the first meaningful thoughts I have had of gambling over the past week and I acted on them. I was in a strange place mentally, watching Rugby and waiting to get some more smokes. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get anymore smokes yesterday and I can be totally irrational at these times. I am still putting off quitting, 1 more, just 1 more! I have smoked so much over the past few days and my mind is all over the place. My contract to myself has already began to collect dust.

Was it my mental state? Was it boredom? Was I just weak? Was I seeking a buzz? Probably a combination of them all.. I felt my old self slowly take over and it felt familiar and somewhat comforting at the time. I wanted that game of poker and felt at ease knowing that I was in a position to make a possible return. Whilst I am in the game then the idea of winning some money back and solving a few problems is present. It is unrealistic i know, my diary only tells a story of adding to my problems and that is the inevitable outcome once again but it could have been a lot worse.

I un-installed Betfilter and checked my bank account to see that my £100 was available. It wasn't, I had forgotten about my £60 bank charges that had just been taken out. I have a little cash and knew that I was risking spending the remaining money in my account plus whatever I might be allowed to take beyond my overdraft. I thought that I had self excluded from all the major poker sites but it turns out my account with ********* (from a few years ago) is still up and running. I played a few tourneys but didn't get paid in any, I spent roughly £80 and even made a final deposit of £7 which the bank will charge £25 for!

Just come back to read my post from earlier and noticed that I didn't send it all!? Fortunately I had the whole post copied and ready to paste.....

^^^^^^^

How reckless!!!! When you are on a losing streak these decisions are frighteningly easy. It is so very difficult for me to shut down the software and walk away, which I guess is what this whole battle is all about, walking away.

I also looked at loan sites again as I feel stuck right now. I owe this money to the PDL's and don't think I will find it. I would rather try and deal with this myself than ask a member of the family but I decided to terminate the hunt when all I was getting was loans for £2k that would cost me £2k on top. No chance! Not whilst I am so vulnerable to blowing it.

So all in all I have taken a massive step back, but I shall pick myself up, dust myself down and work on getting my mind back to where it was a few days ago. I have not been looking forward to submitting this post and I am sorry that I am the bearer of bad news.

Hope you guys are enjoying your Sunday, I am trying to despite my situation. I recognize the progress I made during the week and I am holding on to how I felt during that time as this is the person I want to be.

Hi Ya,

To be honest with you I sort of guessed. Thought of emailing you this morning to see if you were ok.

No one said this is easy , had to really fight with myself a couple of times this week not to drink. I was most defo a hares breath away tonight.

I have relapsed with the gambling , more times than I have had hot dinners. And whose to say that I will not relapse again one day.

But I never give up trying. Never give up trying to work out what I need to do differently to make it work this time.

So I hope you are ok tonight, the frightening about loans is that I have taken out to solve problems and ended up relapseing , gambled the money and been in a worst state. I am not saying you shouldn't , it is your decision but maybe get a few weeks under your belt .

I do not know if any of this has helped, just wanted to send you something, to say I understand, and try to encourage you to start again.

Take care, stay in touch .

Dusty

Hi Mate,

Just read your post from yesterday, here are my comments, hope they help.

I have done the same as you in the past. Trust me I have tried stopping in the past before I came on this forum and when you have gambling thoughts, it is so easy to act upon them and gamble, if you aren't quite in the right state of mind.

I agree with you that it probably is your mental state, gambling and smoking have etched themselves so much into your daily routine, that if you take one or both away from you, for a period of time, you are going to being acting irrationally and you will not be in a secure mental state. I personally think I am mental, only because I believe how much goes through my head everyday. I think all of us who have a gambling addiction, suffer from either depression, insecurity or some other mental illness, unidentified because we haven't seen a professional to diagnose us. Boredom for me is a big problem, that is when I think about gambling the most, my girlfriend agrees, I get so disappointed and fed up if I haven't done anything on my weekends. Weakness, tough one, I don't think you or I are particularly weak, I think we just need to find a system to deal with our urges. Yes obviously when we think about gambling, we should speak out loud to ourselves and shout... 'NO!!! I Won't gamble, because I lose my money, it is a waste of my time and I will let myself and everyone down!' You then know you would have to start all over again on this forum from day one. For me, if I think about gambling and am anywhere near a town, I need to turn straight back round and go home, to safety. Due to your online gambling being your problem, you might need to walk straight out of your house and take a long walk, getting you away from your computer. You miss the buzz yes, so do I man big time, it hurts to know that I won't have that gambling buzz again but that is how it is mean't to be. We could have gambled in a controlled manner but it probably wasn't how it was mean't to be. I believe I have my great granddads genes and have the same personality or chemicals in my brain, which makes me act the way I do. Because we have this addiction or illness, we can't have one bet and think we are in control of it, we never will be again, that is the sad fact.

I know what you mean about feeling comfortable with your familiar gambling self. How many times have I thought about distancing from my family and ending my relationship, so I can do what I want and gamble but I must not, I'll end up with nothing and nobody and I will feel like a loser all my life, for what so I can continue gambling, nah!

From the outside you sound bothered by your finances which is understandable. You gambled again because you felt you had to to make your financial state better, which could have happened but it's too risky mate.

Regarding loans, please don't take out any, I would personally speak to someone in the family, if you need a grand. I would open your heart and ask for somebody's help mate, don't mention you've gambled again in fact say you are conquering it but the financial position you are in, isn't helping you move on and is really making you feel depressed.

(Just going to read the rest of your thread and will add some more, I can't remember what you said and I might be straying from the lines somewhat, two secs...)

Continued

You do need to walk away from your computer even remove it and don't take the restrictions away again, it is the only way, you still have too much temptation at your disposal bud, it's killing you.

Loans, please don't take any, not unless they are interest free, don't let those companies do it to you, if you have to pay back double what you borrowed then you will be at their mercy for years.

I wish I could help you out mate but if you take these financial concerns away, you'll find it much easier. You are boxed into a corner, you want to give up but you owe money, until you don't owe money anymore, you will always think about gambling.

I hope you can or have already resolved these issues, the next time we speak.

You are a friend and I would be happy to meet up someday. All you can do is dust yourself off, think straight, breathe, keep away from the computer and think positively about how you help everyone else with such good advice each day and take some on board yourself. You can go without gambling mate you know you can, you are strong, you just need to sort out your financial problems, that's the core to your depressive and confused state my friend.

Always here for you and I hope I have helped in some way. Sorry it is a long read for you, made up for it by not replying sooner, you might have needed me yesterday 🙂

Cheers

Andy

Alex,

I am missing you my friend. I look forward to reading your updates and hope to see you back soon. You have slipped a few times recently and I understand how low and frustrated you will be feeling but you came to this site to find a solution to your problem and you will achieve this in due course that I am sure of.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Need to go now. I am going to pop down to Corby and try to catch the late bus. Perhaps the driver will be able to lend me some money.

Tomso.