My Diary of Shame

Hi ODAAT,

Thanks again for the post earlier in the week. Glad to see you have your own diary now. You have been popping up all over since I joined, with what always seemed to be pearls of wisdom but nowhere for anyone to get back to you properly!

You really have come so far and are without doubt to me one of the stories that gives me hope that things will get better somewhere along the line so long as I continue to take things one day at a time.

All the best for the new year

Jess x

Hi ODAAT,

Thanks for your supportive post earlier today.

Keep strong, keep fighting the fight and Happy new year.

Ade

It's been a great read ODAAT. I love how brutally honest and open you are about things, which I think is the only real way you can begin a recovery which is likely to succeed.

I too concur with the other posters about the inspirational and structured advice and encouragement that you post on the threads!

It seems as though whatever our different level of intelligence is the gambling will ultimately numb all of our brains in the same way!

heres to a gamble free 2015 for you!

Hey ODAAT.

Enjoyed reading all your diary just now and understanding how far you have come and how you've battled the urges is really inspirational. You are doing really great encouraging everyone on here and also sharing your story is so good of you. Helps people understand what you've been through and how you've turned things around. Makes the possibility of abstaining long term more real for those of us in the early stages.

Thanks again and wishing you continued success on your journey

Clare x

Well done on 153 days gamble free! Xx

Hi ODAAT, what a great point from NT, I will always be in your slipstream and everyone else who's got more day's under their belt than me, 153 days is a great achievement. to you ODAAT it maybe a diary of shame but to me it was a journal of encouragement, a reminder never to go back to those dark days..... kind regards, onwards and upwards Ginger

Just read your diary you are an inspiration to us all

Hi, you were kind enough to reply to my first post earlier today which is appreciated. 153 days gamble free is inspirational to a day 1'er like me. You've been through what i feel today and thanks for sharing your journey.

Hi everyone 🙂

This is not a gambling post but it's my diary & I haven't seen anything about it in the rules saying I can't so here goes...

If anyone out there is thinking of giving up caffeine for New Year, be afraid, be very afraid :-0

No seriously, please please please do some research & do not go cold turkey!!! I have for the last goodness knows how long been drinking a certain fizzy drink in a red & white can like it's going out of fashion! I used to joke that I was waiting for my wonky teeth to fall out so I could get some lovely straight ones but I had a brace a couple of years back so that excuse wore thin & I tried to cut down to a couple of cans a day. The headaches were so severe, I gave up as a bad job!

In October 2013, I went to the States for 2 weeks...I am a strange creature as I only partake in the red & white can if it is English. What you ask, no way, it all tastes the same...It doesn't & yep I can tell - although to be fair I have had the odd locally grown case that tastes funny, I imagine it has something to do with storage temperature maybe? Anyway, I switched to a caffeine free fizzy drink & went through hell. I was expecting the headaches but I stopped sleeping & despite sitting in the bathroom reading all night, really ALL night (I was fidgety so didn't want to bother the OH) I never had a number 2 (why do they call it that?) for 2 weeks! OH asked Dr Google for guidance & figured it may be caffeine related but by then I decided I had come this far, may as well stay off it! With resolve like mine? Really? Straight back on it when I landed & within minutes, I was back!

Roll on 6 months, & this holiday forgotten, I woke up one morning, tired, as usual & decided it must be the caffeine so I once again packed in the cans! Headaches, not sleeping, toilet concerns, I was expecting them but I swear after about 4 days I was besides myself...I cannot put into words how I was feeling because the word I have always used is idgy & that's not in the dictionary. I once again turned to the Quack for advice & the closest I could come up with was restless leg syndrome. Symptoms are the same so even though it was more my lower back that I was jittering about, I had an answer & I was going to survive. A pressure situation @ work led to an early start with someone very important & I fizzed open my 1st can @ about half 4. Another on the train into work, one more when I was in & by 7 a.m. I had consumed 4 of them. I blamed the resulting stomach issues on my nerves but I have been nervous before, it was never like this. Once again, normality resumed & I was back to my normal lethargic self.

Roll on to just before Christmas & despite my excitement I couldn't get out of bed. I wrote on someone's diary about gifting themselves recovery for Christmas & it occurred to me that I too could gift myself the same. I was already well on my way to gambling recovery but I had nothing to lose trying to knock the fizzy stuff on the head. This time, I was prepared, I had consulted the good Dr & discovered how dangerous it is to go cold turkey with this type of withdrawal & I cut down instead. A little too much maybe but I was able to weather the symptoms much better this time. I am also armed now with the strength my gambling recovery has given me & today, I choose one can a day! I feel so much better for it & yes, this is much easier than letting the demons go!

Anyway, this is my story, thank-you for reading!

Remaining gamble free - ODAAT

Wow I never knew that addiction to that could grip so badly. Fascinating stuff and glad you've managed to get this under control and limited to a can a day. Can't imagine how bad this would be. Sounds like terrible withdrawal symptoms when you tried to go cold turkey.

Well done on kicking the red n white can 🙂

• Hi ODAAT,

I am glad That is one addiction I did not get Into, never liked fizzy pop or anything like that ie red and white can, not even in my beloved voddy, but I read what you have said, and I have never had it available for my kids or my grandkids.

(But that was probably my selfish addiction calling because I hVe never liked it ) so my grandkids are used to juice, or water, thank goodness, because I know one addiction at an early age can lead to sooo many more at a later age.

Am proud to be walking along side of you, because we both know it's a f*****g hard journey

Suzanne xx

Thanks ODAAT

Xxxxxx

Hi ODAAT

This is my first post as I joined tonight after reading your encouraging comments to others' posts. I have read your diary and I am so pleased for you. You are honest and insightful and I will continue to take encouragement from your posts.

I'm going to give it a day or two of reading before embarking on my diary - my recovery journey started on 29/12/14 and I am fully committed to beating the demon of gambling addiction (admitting it feels shameful but also quite liberating).

I wish you all the best for the future - slainte mhah! (good health)

Hi annie67, can't pop over to THANK-YOU personally so shouting it out loud on here...THANX for your kind words & welcome to recovery 🙂

Also, thanks for touching on my title, NT & gingernut1 questioned my sanity & I never really explained myself on here! Firstly, I was copying from a handscrawled recovery diary as I couldn't sign up to the site I found 1st & then when NT 1st mentioned it, I was too much of a dinosaur to realise I could change it! After responding on his post & seeing the edit button, I realised I was going to stick with it for 2 reasons...1) I am ashamed that I allowed myself to be the sort of person who has to live in recovery & 2) More importantly, it is a reminder of why I am here! Both the same reasons? Maybe but for me, one was my life as a gambler & two is my life now. I'm not the best @ explaining myself sometimes (should have paid more attention in school & could have done a lot more homework, if I hadn't been down the gambling shop) but hopefully this makes sense!

I would encourage you to write a diary, it really helped me @ the time & especially on Day 18 which was a turning point for me. You can be brutally honest here & will only ever get a kick up the rear if people are worried about poor choices you plan to make. I tried to find some Scottish Gaelic for one of my favourites, but none of the translators could be sure so you'll just have to have some boring English...Be strong - ODAAT

Day 154: Dropped the OH to football in a place where I am excluded from & didn't even realise where I was until I was passing the car park that I have sprinted back to too many times to mention - to move the car & get a new ticket (re-feeding the meter is illegal after all) before the time ran out. See, how could I have had a problem, my Mum just leaves her car over the time accruing parking tickets, which she does not open, that become hundreds of pounds...I was a responsible gambler! Incredible the lies I used to tell, even to myself 🙁

Day 155: Today I shopped in the area I did most of my damage (the stuff I've not gotten round to telling you about yet) in & had there been more time, I would have sat down in a coffee shop (with a caffeine free drink of course) & told you all...I was there to shop! & for a change, I don't mean bargain hunt! Usually, I pick things up, put them down, go get them again, put them down, think, 'I know, I'll go & win the money gambling, then I can buy them' & of course, the rest is history. I have money now from an inheritance, I am extremely fortunate, I am well aware of that. I knew this was coming & it would no doubt be all gone now had I not been able to find my way here to my safe haven of recovery. This money has been in our account for over 2 months, I have not bought anything with it that was not a bargain, I am scared to spend it after all these years of looking after every penny except if course the ones I chucked uncontrollably into the machines 🙁 Today, I paid full price for new running shoes :-0 I cannot lie, this was in some part due to the angry red blisters I inflicted on my arches for the second Park Run running but none-the-less was something I could not have contemplated before now! I wore them, despite my existing blisters, the minute I got home. Cooking tea, cleaning the floor, vegging on the couch (don't panic, I hung them off the end), OH insisted I remove them for bedtime though...He puts up with a lot, I didn't make a fuss. They are neatly lined up besides it though so I can hop straight into them in the morning & wear them round the house some more 🙂 I also picked up a non sale coat in Cotswold & was almost gutted to see it for over £60 less on line because that meant I couldn't buy it today. No way was I spending that much more than I had to. I had the audacity to ask if they price matched & to my complete surprise, no haggle & I will finally be warm when I go out 🙂

I was short of time (to shop, there is always lots more to gamble) & obviously was conscious of where I was but this time, it was not a thought of how could I gamble. It was a thought that I wouldn't be & I needed to let everyone know...It gets easier!

I would love this to be the end of my journey to say I'm cured but despite never being a responsible gambler, I am a responsible recoverer - ODAAT