Hi,
I promised that I would transfer my handwritten diary onto here for all to see despite the rest of the title being 'Please don't read'...I will stick to the exact wording where possible but names will be changed to protect the innocent.
August 1st 2014: Wanted to gamble but managed to pop in and say Hello to someone then kept away - V proud.
August 2nd 2014: Bad day today - Didn't control when I thought I would and failed to increase the money in my account that I didn't think would get me through the month. £300 gone, £0 in my account. NO way to 'recoup' it - A dark, dark day.
August 3rd 2014: Stayed in bed, too scared to get up and go out just in case. I need to use OH's money to recoup my losses & break his trust again - Even I know I cannot do that. Tackled the ironing pile head on - Day 1! V late to bed, OH trying to be supportive but not quite getting it right. Found the Daily Strength website!
August 4th 2014: Pulled short notice leave & stayed in bed. Spent the best part of the day terrified. All the emotions I have ever had, this feels different. Other people are the same as me - clever, successful & addicted. Focused on the site, I'm going to work tomorrow.
August 5th 2014: Did not want to go to work - Trawled the internet on the train. I still feel out of sorts but it is starting to hit home. I never wanted to quit, not really, I just wanted to control it. I'm starting to think I can't - I need to let it go & want to. Busy busy at work - Day 3
August 6th 2014: Still feel out of sorts & have been checking in on the site - no new threads so chasing the previous pages for stories of strength & survival. Wouldn't have been a gambling day anyway but no real urges - Yet! Day 4
August 7th 2014: Had a big, fat, pointless row about food but another day where I wouldn't have anyway. Thought about a particular bookies when driving but not coz I wanted to go there. Day 5
August 11th - 18th 2014: Holiday (abroad so no gambling)
August 19th 2014: Back from hols spent all day with Nan & OH. No major urges but have thought about it. Got totally hooked on Bubble Witch & wondering if it's some sort of a substitute. If like this again, I will delete the App. Read DS til the Internet crashed.
August 20th 2014: Think I may stay in bed all day - Just in case! I must get to Day 18! (Cont'd on next post)
Hi ODAAT ,
it's great to see your diary. I looked for it from time to time. You are great for posting on others diaries. You are so understanding and motivational at the same time.
i would love to hear more of your story. You come across as a wonderful person who has seen many sides of life. Congrats on 150 days !! Wow you are turning your life around!!
Take care,
Suzy
August 20th 2014: Day 18. Today, I chose 'no'. 1st real test so far. Urges didn't really kick in hard til today but after so many non gambling days, they were always going to come. I thought about it last night when I was furiously playing the iPad like my mother wondering if it was a substitute & thought it safer to come to bed very very late & stay in bed all day. Cried off going to see my Nan for this reason & stayed in doing furious research trying to save a few pence on white goods that she needed. @ least middle of the range after everything I have had off of her for gambling, surely now was a part chance for redemption? I started bargaining with myself on route to the shopping centre, a foe in this direction when not driving to work. Obsessive, compulsive, pathological - that's me. I wrote in my journal before leaving the house - I knew where I was heading - I just hoped I had the strength to beat it. I only wanted to control it, not cure it - If I just went to the 10p machines with my £20 in my purse, I would be fine & the urge would be gone. I had another £5 in my card wallet if I got desperate & just needed a bit more - plus a couple of £2 coins - I've been there before. The lure of the big machine is strong - I knew there was a likelihood, win or lose, I would end up there - like before. Doing the walk of shame out like everyone described on the thread I read yesterday. I had to get everything else done 1st. 1 minute at a time!
1st shop wonderful, getting the white goods much better than I could have hoped & I was happy to wait as long as everything took instead of being in a mad rush. How much would constitute gambling? If I only used the set amount I had allowed myself, could I still count it as a gamble free day or would I need to start again on my real gamble free days and have the other run as 'still in control'? I could hear everyone on line saying "No, don't do it." The only way to beat it is to quit. I didn't go online, I went to the loo, it took me up to the car park exit & I thought I should walk out now & win but I didn't. I was still negotiaiting a little play - just to stop the urge. I went back down and back up again, then down again and at some point, I decided that I was going to choose 'no'. I was scared to because I thought I needed to gamble to make the feeling go away and nothing else would do it - How wrong was I?!? I chose 'no' & the fog lifted. I felt euphoric & light & smiley. I texted OH, he's supposed to be one of my roadblocks but I've been so critical of him in the past when I cried for help on the way to gamble, he said he was going to leave me to it. Last time I blamed him & said if I had gone with my decision, I would not have gambled/lost. We all know that that is just our illness but he doesn't get it - probably just as well. It helped seeing people being honest about their losses, I have no idea what I have lost over the years and I am scared that if I work it out it will be millions - It's certainly must be in the hundreds of thousands but I know it's water under the bridge now. I saw a man with over £3000 in the bank last time I gambled but @ over £100 spin that's not great odds.
The rare times I have been really up it's only ever been about £1000 - We don't have the life changing jackpots you Americans chase so I ain't never getting my money back. OH doesn't get it but he agreed he was proud - Not quite enough back patting but I was so happy for myself this time so it wasn't important. It occurred on the way home that I was experiencing a similar calm to one a hypnotist had given me. I didn't treat myself like I decided I could for not gambling & I didn't sit down and watch a film but I did have a lovely walk with the dog & Chinese in front of the soaps. I only hope I can keep on choosing No!
I'm in the process of selling an asset so will be cash rich shortly. I've decided I will treat myself with a play. Even having won today, I was trying to figure out how that will work. A hundred's not enough. 5? Probably not enough either, make it £1000. In a purse as my 'play' money - no card - but then if I lose it all, I have to have a way of getting more out because my luck will have to change & I'd need more to let it do that. & then I realise that nothing has changed and this was a mere pidgeon step in what is going to be the biggest challenge of my life. I want to control it, not quit, but I'm starting to hear you guys - It's not that kind of fight. I always need to turn right instead of turning left it would appear.
August 25th 2014: Again contemplated using my small change but decided not to.
August 27th 2014: Stressy day - am pretty sure I would have gone today & told OH so. I'm so glad he was home.
August 28th 2014: Jarred my back, no car to get to appointment but would I have gotten the bus or cycled to play - I think so.
August 29th 2014: Day 27th - What constitutes a month?
September 1st 2014: P****d Mum off trying to bring her with me on the journey. Reading loads again. Could very easily have gone but walked the dog for 1 3/4 hours, did some housework & had physio. Bit sad that I spent £100 on Chiro & petrol but didn't freak. Planning a treat at one month. Got to get to Tuesday.
2nd September 2014: Day 31 🙂
4th September 2014: Walked past a bookies & it felt different today somehow. Told OH & he said fingers crossed it's a good sign which was cool!
6th September 2014: Stayed in bed all morning - If I don't get up, I won't be tempted. Braved the World later on & bought a colouring book and some chick lit.
7th September 2014: Bought new stuff £150 ouch took the dog for a run as punishment, cooked for the freezer and then did 1 1/2 hours of ironing. In the past, this may well have been an excuse to 'pop' out. Nice & early to bed but no sleep due to wedding planning. Finally, no iPad.
9th September 2014: Using the colouring book, actually went for a run & finally feels like the fog is lifting.
10th September 2014: Went out & still to bed at 2146. No real DS today as I feel better in myself - Day 39.
12th September 2014: Today would be a day. Wondered what a trip to the shopping centre would do for my urges as I think I can beat them. Realise that 50 is in sight. Fingers very much crossed - it would be lovely to be cured but I'm not testing myself & I don't care that I'm not! Day 41.
19th September 2014: All the olds know I'm getting married, OH collected me from work telling me I could tell people. Threw the brochure @ Mum & she yelped, not used to emotion from her - Great reaction! Day 48 🙂
16th October 2014: Day 75 - I can't believe it's gone so quickly. Been on the site a bit lately and near a couple of my old haunts. The 1st time, I gave gambling some thought but today, not so much.
1st November 2014: Celebrated in the car Park about being back in possession of my card and then was floored by urges. I was able to chose no but still gutted. I thought I was cured after no real dramas all this time - 91 days to be precise.
2nd November 2014: Nearly didn't get up - figured if I stayed in bed all day, the urges wouldn't come. Got up and went to another old haunt to shop - thought about it lots - weird coz I'm barred but it was easier than yesterday. OH proud 🙂
& then I found this site and I'm hooked. I don't write in my diary anymore as it's too risky to carry it around with me.
A lot of writing, mostly dull but I promised I would do this and now I can update it at important milestones.
150 days today & finally I get it but I'm still working it One Day At A Time!
Brilliant odaat reading your diary gives me real hope that I too can beat this, and with people like yourself helping myself and others with your comments on our diarys it really makes a difference.thx
brilliant odaat
keep going and supporting others on here
thx
Morning ODAAT,
Thank you for your lovely post on my diary and thank you for sharing your story,
You have supported so many people on here, by having a diary, we can now support you back.
With 151 days under your belt, and your determination you are doing just great.
Have a good New Years Eve and enjoy it.
Suzanne xx
Mark.
Happy new year xx
Hi Odaat,
I echo the words from Emily, a couple of weeks ago I noticed your continued words of encouragement on a number of diarys and subsequently wanted to read your own story. Unfortunately at the time you hadnt created your own diary for me to post on.
I will be an active reader of your diary and hope we can do ourselves proud and make 2015 the year we give NOTHING to the gambling industry.
Wishing you a great new years eve.
Mark x
HI ODAAT, you were there with such supportive words at the start of my recovery ..thank you.. i agree with so many others, you really are an inspiration to many, happy 2015, look forward to your posts.... Ginger
Hello Everyone,
I wish I had the vocabulary to explain how I am feeling today...I think the word may be 'humbled' by all your words of support that I don't feel worthy of but if it isn't, I hope you all get what I mean!
I am not sure what the correct etiquette is for thanking people so I have popped across to all of your diaries (I hope) but figured I was as well to THANK YOU all publicly here, from the bottom of my heart, because without you I would not be here skipping along this road to recovery.
I also want to extend my thanks to everyone that has/is posting stories of inspiration as well as people lurking in the background offering silent wishes of support.
May 2015 be our best year ever & may we all find the strength to remain in recovery - ODAAT 🙂
o*g, just spent the best part of I don't know how long writing a post about how I got here & got so caught up in it that the dumb battery died 🙁 The rational part of my brain is saying, 'it's 3 in the morning' no-one cares it will keep' but the addicted side says, 'it is all here fresh in your mind, you must write through the tiredness'...
I played the penny pushers (1p & 2p) in the Seaside arcades & now suddenly recall as a child, having my money 'stolen' on school journey once. At the time, I was upset for weeks, it had been in a little coin bag next to the machine that I was playing. Looking back on this years later, with hindsight, I'm not so sure I didn't just stand there in a trance shovelling it in.
From here I progressed to 5p machines in 'The Shop' after school with my beloved Aunt (she's a great Aunt on paper, not that it's relevant but I cannot come here & not be honest). Mum was a compulsive gambler by now & I never really got my sister's Dad who was dragging me up so it was all about Aunty & I followed her to the Bingo just as soon as I was old enough. Here I often found Mum on the fruit machines & discovered that I could make her smile by playing machines with her & giving her money when she ran out. So I then followed Mum back to 'The Shop' before both being introduced to & finding new ones. Between these & the Bingo, 10p stakes progressed to 30p, then £1 & £2 & the massive £4 token jackpots became £30, £75, £500, £1000.
I never gambled before work as I knew invariably this would make me late & I never committed a criminal act (although to my eternal shame I did manipulate money out of relatives that to this day I consider I stole) to fund my habit but other than that, anything or should I say everything went. I abandoned my sports, lost touch with friends, couldn't be bothered to visit relatives (unless I needed something) you all know how it goes & anyway I digress.
A few years ago, I considered I may have a problem. I concluded that this was unlikely since I was an intelligent person and I could obviously stop if I wanted to. Sadly it only ever seemed like I wanted to stop when I ran out if money which despite by now being pretty much every time I was able to gamble, by the the time the morning came round again & my withdrawal limits had reset, all thoughts of stopping had been replaced by an urgent need to get back on the horse. By now it had long since stopped being about the winning because I could not stop until I could either not get my hands on any more cash or the premises closed. By now I was in a well paid job, living with someone who hailed from another County & despite being given handouts (they couldn't possibly go to my Mum, she would just fritter them away) from the olds, getting more & more into debt until one say it came to me, we should sell. Nan gave me more money for property where he lived & (we didn't buy it outright as she expected) he got a mortgage there, I downsized & got a mortgage here, cleared all my debts & for want of a better phrased P****d the rest of the money up the wall. We eventually split up, he remains there, I took back what I could out of the equity in his property & Nan asks everytime I see her if I will be getting 'my' money back soon.
It was round about this point that the idea occurred to me again, I may have a problem. I reduced the withdrawal limit on my bank card had the cash withdrawal facility removed from my credit card & went to see a hypnotist. It was all a bit strange, I felt drained afterwards but he gave me a technique (which works to this day, sometimes just by thinking about using it, although I am scared to use it in case I wear it out) to bring out a flutter of euphoria which serves to relax me. Best £200 odd quid I'd spent for a while, I think I stayed clean for about a week.
I then bimbled on for a few more months before realising that even just the £100 limit was crippling me with the amount of opportunity I had to gamble being not quite so young but free & single again! I had moved again by now & this was quite a long way to travel so on top of my losses I was also wasting petrol money which to a compulsive gambler is a big no no, I didn't want to be chucking my gambling money into the car oh no! I'd found another hall with more machines & yet another new favourite that now meant instead of 'playing' (I put that in inverted commas because I question whether pressing an auto start button & shovelling money does constitutes playing, I use them too much but you'll have to excuse that) my usual 2 machines, I 'had' to play 3 all @ once because they were linked & if one got a feature, they all did. I excluded from this Bingo! That last about a month before I went back with my tail between my legs...Suffered the embarrassment of an interview with a manager & 'celebrated' being accepted back into the fold a few days later when the reinstatement letter came through with an almighty battering. I self excluded again despite the warning from a different manager (who had to interview me to exclude) who I'd never even met saying that they may never let me back did I really want to do this or did I want to go away & cool down!?!
Forward another few months, couple more bank accounts, new loan, new credit cards & a £1000 jackpot that didn't cover my losses that day in a shop I had tried to exclude from but they'd insisted I could only do that if I hadn't gambled there for the last 24 hours! I began self excluding from the shops too. Some were very obstructive, some were great & took the form without question, one lovely lady said if I was to swear @ her say, she would bar me. I've never had a problem but the potty mouth tried to fail me that day, I won in the end though & squeaked out the f word. I'm not sure if it was guilt or relief that marched me straight to the florist to buy her a bunch of flowers. Excluding from one town, travelling to another etc etc until one day & I have no idea how it happened I ended up in a Bookies. Once upon a time, I would rather pee myself than go into a Bookies & although I was happy to chuck a few pence each way on the Grand National like we had done as a family since childhood, not if I had to put the bet on, I wasn't!
152 days awesome stuff well done you hope to follow in them footsteps.
Excellent diary really good read following your diary.
Thanks for your post on my diary and been the first to welcome me onto this site you are an amazing supporter of many on this site and an inspiration to all.
Happy new year
Tm
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