My diary: there and back again

Hi Heather

Sorry you had a slip up. But you have come back on here and not just disappeared and that is admirable. We cannot be complacent as the demon gambling can snare us at any time.

"All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us" (as my friend Gandalf says).

Look to the future.

Hopefully the counselling will help.

Take care

Elfie x

I had my first counselling session today and it went quite well. I am not good at talking about my feelings abd I am worried that once I start I will never stop. I am committed to attending each week though. I have had a terrible couple of days. I gambled which I am disappointed with myself for doing. I have also had a massive text row with my sister who is supposed to be caring for my mum who has parkinsons and dementia. The aim of this is to give my dad a break so he can spend some time relaxing or meeting up with his pals. My sister has no idea how stressed dad is and her idea of caring is sitting with them both drinking tea and watching telly! I don't live locally and her selfishness is driving me nuts. So we've had a massive falling out which has been a long time coming.

The good news is that I have download K9 onto my phone so I can never use it for gambling again!!

Hello Heather! This is not an easy journey for ANY of us but we're all here to support each other.... this is a fierce fight.... dya want to win?? You can do it.... I've been in exactly the situation you find yourself in... Whenever you feel that urge, log onto the forum. KEEP POSTING. KEEP READING. KEEP GOING and keep ur chin up!!! Helen. X

Thanks Helen and to everyone at Gamcare. And yes, I do want to get my life back on track. I long to be able to sleep well and to wake up feeling happy and positive about the day ahead. For so long I have been living a half life in a daze. I have decided to stop counting the days I have not gambled and just promise myself that today I will not gamble . night all x

Hi Heather

I know the half life only too well.

One day at a time is good, the days will add up in the background.

Elfie x

Hi Heather

Can relate to the half life too

Carry on carrying on stay strong and positive

Suzanne xx

Hello diary

It's been a turbulent few days. I had to have my cat put to sleep on Friday night which has knocked me for six. We took her food and bits and bobs to the local animal rescue yesterday afternoon. Although it was very sad the thought occurred to me that this was the first time in years that I had willingly done something at the weekend with my partner. I usually make all kinds of excuses not to go out and do things at the weekend; It's too hot, too cold, I'm tired, my back hurts etc etc. Of course the real reason for not wanting to go out was because I wanted to stay home and gamble. Gambling was my only friend, the only thing that I wanted to spend time with and my obsession. But what an evil and destructive friend it turned out to be. Despite being heartbroken about the loss of my cat , me and my partner spent an hour or so looking around the rescue centre chatting to the staff and looking at the animals. We walked and held hands and talked about normal things. Later that evening he bought me some flowers and I realised that I could accept them without feeling that I was not worthy or that I don't deserve an act of kindness. This is a big milestone for me as I think I may have begun to move a tiny bit towards not hating myself. I have a long way to go before I can say that I love myself (or even like myself) but it's a start.

yesterday I did not gamble. Today I will not gamble.

dear diary

Today and tomorrow are testing me to my limits. I have a couple of days off work and usually I would spend them gambling, stuck in front of a computer screen with no interest in anything else. I looked around my home last week and I suddenly realised how shabby and dirty it is. I have never been too obsessed with housework, before this terrible addiction I used to always say life was too short to worry about a bit of dust and I would spend my weekend in the fresh air. But my home was always clean, I just wasn't obsessive about it. But now, bloody hell it's disgusting. I do the bare minimum in order not to get salmonella but any additional time I would bitterly resent as it took me away from gambling. I stocked up on cleaning products today and I am going to spend the next few weeks cleaning each room from top to bottom. I have made a list of all the jobs to be done so that I can tick them off one by one. I am panicing as my hubby goes away next weekend for three weeks with work and so I am hoping that my little project will give me something to focus on. I really can't afford to mess things up again. I have to get this right as if I dont I may as well cease to exist. I am so scared of everything right now. But I have got through today ok. I had my hair cut which I haven't done in six months. It's obscene that I can spend thousands of pounds on gambing but resent spending 40 on a haircut. So I decided to treat myself and get it cut and I feel so much better for it. At what point in this did I loose my self esteem?

Hello again diary

Well it's been 8 days since I last gambled. I have busied myself today cleaning and batch cooking for the freezer. Another thing I have promised myself is to start eating properly. When my hubby works away I gamble, and when I gamble I have no time to prepare healthy meals as a) I dont have any spare money as every penny goes on gambling and b) I resent having to spend time away from the laptop to actually prepare and eat a proper meal.

I watched a bit of daytime telly this afternoon and I was struck by how many gambling and bingo adverts there are. They all make gambling seem such harmless fun!!!!! My counsellor told me to watch out for the adverts and to also notice that most gambling ads are followed by payday loan ads. Thankfully I have not gone down the payday loan route, but I still managed to rack up over 40k of credit card debt, so it was only a matter of time before I would have turned to payday loans. I did find the urge to gamble was very strong today. I kept thinking that just 20 wont hurt.. But it will hurt because 20 would never be enough and would always be too much. I have K9 on my lappy and on my phone, but have 2 other computers in the house, which I dont really use. I must ask hubby to download k9 on them before he goes away at the weekend. If I cant get access to gambling then I cant gamble no matter how much I want to.

I am finding things really unbearable tonight. I have even wondered how to get round the K9 on my phone. I have taken myself off to bed and will switch off my phone. I am looking forward to my second counselling session tomorrow. How on earth am I going to cope with the next three weeks when my partner will be away from home? ?? I am scared 🙁

Hi heather

I hope you are feeling stronger this morning

Use the triangle and every barrier you can get to keep abstaining

Take one day at a time , one hour if need be

Ride through the urges they do pass and this will make you stronger and more determined to keep abstaining

You can do this.

Stay positive and determined and keep going

Take care

Suzanne xx

dear diary

It's a few days since I last posted and it's 18 days since my last bet. I have had a few moments when I wanted to gamble. I downloaded K9 to my phone and used a random password, which I gave to my partner to keep safe. I cannot lie, I have tried to remember the password a few times but thankfully it was so random that I cant remember it.

My counselling is going really well. I have had 3 sessions now. It feels like for the first time in my life someone is actually listening when I am talking and is interested in what I have to say. I am not blaming my partner or anyone else in my life for my gambling, after all it was me that deposited the money and me that placed bet after bet and it was me that told lies. But I am beginning to make some connections to events of the past. I dont feel ready to share them with this forum right now as they are too personal and raw but I would urge anyone with a gambling problem to seek counselling. It is a totally safe environment and I cannot explain how much it is helping me.

My finances are still a mess. I sent off my step-change DMP forms this week, so hopefully that will start soon. It will be a relief to be tackling my debt and hopefully I will be debt free in about 4 years. It does sound like a long time and I know i will be on a very tight budget with no spare money. But to be honest, it is a relief to know that all my finances will be seen my my partner. All accounts will be joint.

The other day, when I was wanting to gamble and trying to remember my K9 password it suddenly struck me that even if I won, I would not be able to withdraw my winnings or explain to my partner where the extra money had come from. So really, what would be the point? Yes he would be pleased that we could clear some debt but he would be furious with me for gambling so it would be a hollow win. The person who said that when we gamble we can never win was very very wise.

I am prone to vivid dreams. I had a dream this week that I had gambled. I remember feeling sick and petrified at what I had done. When I woke up I really believed for a couple of minutes that my dream was real. When I realised that it was just a bad dream I was so relieved. It was at that point that I believed have really turned a corner and that I actually don't want to gamble every again.

My triangle is well and truly in place. I am keeping busy, I have no money as every penny I have is visable to my partner and every computer and iphone I have access to is blocked. For the first time in a very long time I can feel a slight chink of light in a very dark place.

Dear diary

It's been a week since I last posted, but I have still not gambled, so it's been over three weeks now. I stopped counting the days because I felt it put too much pressure on me, but I do count the weeks because I have my counselling on a Thursday and I last placed a bet the day before my first counselling session. My week tends to be full of good days and bad days, sometimes as much as good hours and bad hours. I sometimes wonder if I will ever really be free of this addiction. I have all the blocks in place to prevent me gambling. I have K9 on my lappy and on my phone and I have all my money in a joint account. This means that I cant gamble, but does it mean that I don't want to? The answer to that, for a lot of the time is no. If I could, I probably would.

This week, because my other half is away, I decided to shred some old credit card statements. For many years, I have not opened my statements. I shove them unopened into handbags, carrier bags, and hide them in drawers and wardrobes. Every now and then, when I was alone, I would shred them, still unopened ( I broke a lot of shredders!). I usually get home from work before my hubby, so I would gather up the mail and take it straight upstairs. Once or twice a week, we will travel home together and then I almost have to run to get through the door first, to get to the mail. I would then quickly go through it and stuff anything for me into my bag, take it upstairs and hide it. Hubby works from home sometimes and I lived in fear of him opening my mail by mistake. The sad thing is that we have a very trusting relationship, and he would never open my mail, and if he does by mistake, he always apologises. I feel so bad for betraying his trust. So this week, I decided to shred some mail. I made myself open each statement and really look at it. Pages and pages of spending on various gambling sites. Each deposit was either 50 or 100, many times a day. I felt sick when I looked at the actual evidence of my addiction. It felt so good to shred them, cathartic in a way, watching my past be shredded,page by page.

During my counselling, I mentioned this, and I said that I wondered why credit card companies dont step in when they see multiple deposits to gambling websites. They are very quick to spot fraudulent activities ( I know this as it happened to me once), so why on earth don't they do the same for gambling. My counsellor asked my why I thought it was the responsibility of a credit card company to dictate to me how I should spend money if I was inside my spending limit? That was a bit of a lightbulb moment and I realised what she was getting at. The responsibility of spending money on gambling is mine and mine alone. I cannot blame anyone else but myself. I am beginning to peel back the layers of my past and realise that there are patterns of events, right back to my childhood which have shaped my behaviour for the rest of my life. But knowledge is power and I know that, in time, I can and will change.

Every time I want to gamble I try and think of the positives. Not worrying every time the phone rings, being one step closer to my DMP. Not having to hide my mail. Leading a normal, sometimes boring life. But I would happily be bored for the rest of my life than have just one more morning of waking up and wishing I was dead.

Onwards and upwards .....

It's been a while since I updated my diary and it's been 104 days since my last bet. I don't dare take my eye off the ball or become complacent. The longest I have previously stopped for was a year and at that point I really thought I could control myself and set limits on my gambling. That was probably the worst mistake I have ever made and lead me to utter despair. Am I proud of myself for getting to 104 days? Hmmmm, I'm not sure. I am proud that I have put blocks in place so that I cannot gamble, even if I wanted to. I'm proud that I am finally getting counselling, which I am getting a lot out of. I wonder if I can really take credit for not gambling since the K9 blocker stops me from gambling, as opposed to me actually using willpower to resist? I asked my counsellor what she thought about this. She said that everyone is different and that how I achieve my goal of not gambling is not the issue, the main thing is that I have recognised I am a compulsive gambler and have used every weapon in my arsenel to prevent myself from placing a bet. She said that I might always have to reply on blockers but so what if I do? Maybe I am being to hard on myself, I kind of want to know that I have the willpower to resist on my own merit.

I don't miss a single thing about gambling; I love not having to rush to be the first to pick up the mail. I love not having to hide my mail unopened. I love being in control of my finances. I love not having that icy feeling of dread at the idea of being 'found out'. I love simply leading a normal (if a little boring) life. Gambling was the thing I loved above all else; I used to rush home from work, excited because I knew I had money to gamble with. I used to feel I was invincible when I was winning. I believed that the betting sites I used had some control over who won and who lost, to the point of feeling paranoid and superstitious when I was either winning or losing. Now that sanity has resumed, I no longer have thse feelings. The things that make me happy in life are small in comparison, but mean the absolute world to me.

I know that I can never recoup the time or money that I have wasted. All I can do is continue to care about today and what each day brings. The past is gone and the future is up to me to influence. So, here's to the next 100 days, hopefully they will contine to be sublimely and beautifully boring ....... That will suit me just fine .....

Hi Heather

I have been reading your diary and it gives me so much hope for the future. Your story is so similar to mine and I can identify with all that you have written and felt. I just wanted to say well done to you.