My diary: there and back again

Hello my secret diary.

Here I am on day 119 and still going strong. Christmas has been extremely difficult with all kinds of family problems. My mum is very ill and so i spent christmas with my dad, and not with my hubby, which was really difficult. But aside from the heartbreak, it did me good to be a responsible adult and put the needs of other people before my own. I spent time remembering last Christmas. Last year I spent the day with my laptop close by me, with the bingo/slot sites open, playing them with the sound switched off and another window open so that I could quickly minimise the gambling site if anyone saw what I was doing. Making deposit after deposit, the money meaning nothing to me but the debt getting more and more. I am still in debt now, but it hasn't grown in the last 119 days and infact, it is going down with the help of Step Change and my DMP. My relationship with my hubby is so much happier. I have no black secrets hanging over me. We have some tough times ahead, both with my mums health and a potential relocation to another part of the UK with my hubby's job and I know these will place me under a lot of worry and upset but at least whatever 2015 brings, it will all be out in the open. It is my dream to be reporting this time next year with over a year gamble free under my belt.

Not gambling is hard. Every day I think about it and every day I know that if my blocks were not in place I would be in danger of relapsing. I am an addict and simly not wanting to gamble is still not enough for me, I have to think ahead and use every weapon I have available to me. I don't post to my diary every day but I do check in to the site every couple of days. Everyone has their own way of dealing with stuff, and my weekly counselling with Options gives me an outlet for offloading my feelings. Maybe when my counselling ends I may keep my diary more up to date.

Onwards and upwards!

Congratulations on your 119 days Heather1963 🙂

Don't be too hard on yourself as to why you aren't gambling...You had to put these blocks in place to start with! Would you be so hard taking medicine to get over a cold? You have done the hard work getting to here & I'm sure you've read enough posts to know this work goes on for the rest of our lives, just hopefully becoming less of a conscious effort & more muscle memory.

Don't feel under pressure to post, especially with the ongoing stress of your family (I'm sorry to hear, Mum's illness must be very hard esp with your siblings not pulling their weight. Have you looked @ support for your Dad?) it's your diary & we support you whatever!

Glad your partner is right beside you, together you can deal with whatever is round the corner! Be kind to yourself & hopefully soon you will realise that you are choosing no rather than being prevented & you will be able to let that bit of guilt go. Keep strong & stay gamble free - ODAAT

So here I am at day 151. I don't consciously count the days and I only know the number when I actually log on to this account. I am still taking baby steps and I am grateful for every day that passes gamble free. I am still attending weekly counselling sessions and I believe with all my heart that this has been the most important part of my recovery. I can be very uncomfortable having to talk honestly about things that have happened to me in the past some of which have not been my fault and some which have been. I live my life like lots of women; I talk but no one listens. Inside I cry out for help but no one notices my pain. Counselling has allowed me to realise that my feelings and opinions are worthwhile and slowly but surely I am starting to asert myself. I never want to gamble again but the only way I can continue to win the battle is to keep the blocks in place and to never believe that I am cured. My finances are still messy and I am worried ans stressed about it. Partner is being difficult and dragging his heels about opening a joint savings account. I keep trying to talk to him about it but he gets a bit defensive. I suspect he doesn't want joint savings and I can't say I blame him but when I ask him he says he does trust me and he is no longer angry with me. We need a joint account for the debt management plan we have. We decided we would have all joint accounts in order to be totally transparent with each other. I guess in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal. Our finances are ok and we have money left at the end of each month. Its such a relief not to have to hide all my debts from him. I don't have any secrets and that is a massive relief. It will take nearly 4 years to pay back all my gambling debts which is a scary thought but I am relieved that the debts are moving in the right direction. 151 days ago I seriously thought about taking my life as I didn't want to live another day with the shame and despair. I never believed I could be happy again. Thank god for gamcare xx

Reading your diary I have too say touched me, and is inspiring I'm at the beginning of the dealing with ladder but could relate too everything you said the self loathing discust the only telling half the real amount of trouble your in I hope that in 151 days my thread will be reading as yours does well done and keep it up I know how hard the beating yourself up feels and at the moment I can't stop that thanks for sharing xx

It's almost a year since my last bet. I am very proud of myself and I can honestly say that it is the hardest but the best thing I have ever done. I still think about gambling very often and I can still feel the pull of temptation. I am still massively in debt but I have cleared around 13k of the 50k debt that gambling caused and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now. 12 months ago I was at rock bottom and I could see no way out other than death. I had started to make plans to end my life as I didn't want to continue living with the lies. I truly despised every part of myself and I could see no solution. In the end my husband found out about my gambling and gave me an ultimatum to seek professional help. I contacted Gamcare the same day and within a week I had an appointment with a counsellor and had 26 sessions. I am so grateful for the service Gamcare offer as I don't think I could have done it without them.

My life now is so different. No more lies. No more hiding credit card statements. No more of the cold desperate feeling every morning when I wake up. Some days are boring. We are skint and every spare penny goes towards the debt mountain. But I would willingly have a lifetime of humdrum days than one more minute of my old life.

Onwards and upwards xx

Wow well done Heather, your story is so much like mine, 'having something else open on the computer screen and then minimising the gambling site!!' And as for the bank and credit card statements, mine are hidden in handbags which then get stuffed to the back of my wardrobe! Now that I have faced up to my addiction and will now have the time free that I used to spend gambling, going through all my hidden paperwork is one thing I am looking forward to doing, I will probably break my shredder too!! I am going to keep reading your story as my inspiration thanks for sharing it x

I have done it. One whole year without gambling. Have I cracked it? no. Is it still a daily struggle? yes. But I am here and I am proud that I have made it 365 days. Now all I have to do is not gamble for the rest of my life. 12 months ago I was in a terrible dark place with no hope of any kind of future. Most days I wasn't even sure that I even wanted a future. I will never forget the feeling of pure fear that was with me every minute of the day. Now I am no longer scared. I still get angry with myself for the debt I still have but I am making good inroads and every month I clear another £1300 off the total debt. Another 24 months and I will have paid it all off. My husband is nothing short of amazing and has never once made me feel like he doesn't love me. I know he's sad and disappointed in me but I intend to make amends by never gambling again. I still read the forum regularly and I recognise the pain and despair of those who are at the beginning of their recovery.