My first diary!

Morning Diary,

Day 84 - Just another day in my recovery. However, next Sunday providing I remain bet free I will have reached my first major milestone of 90 days (91 actually). I will save all the self analysis for then and for now concentrate on getting there one day at a time. The philosophy has served me well so far and long may it continue. I covered a couple of philosophy modules as part of my degree and it's funny when you break them right down most philosophers have a very basic fundamental theory. Always fascinated by the works of Plato, Sartre, Hobbes (We are all bloody horrible he said)

I do witter on sometimes! Anyway like I said it's another just for today. I will be on my own for the majority of the day and I honestly don't mind that. I'm sure I was a real party animal in a previous life cos I am a real hermit in this one.

Day 84 - Hermit

Hi Flagg,

Thank you for your post on my diary. It is always nice to get replies of kind words and every post is a boost to me on pushing myself to not gamble. Well done on your 84 days that is really good. Do you still get many urges as the days mount up? I have been recently I think it is because I have money again that is why I can't take my bank card and limit what money I have on me.

Stay strong and hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend

Kind regards

Ricky

Good Afternoon,

Day 85 - Well it seems like much has taken place in quite a short space of time! It's awful because there has been a period of calm recently, lots of banter, lots of laughs and people moving forward! I guess the events of yesterday are a timely reminder we are all battling an extremely powerful addiction!

I typed out a really long post and have spent most of the morning deciding whether to submit it well finally at 1pm ive deleted all of it!

I'll just say really gutted for Andy that he has had a slip and well done for owning up so quickly all is not lost and the support will remain for him I'm sure of that!

Right , as for my day it's Monday and I feel ok thank you very much! Mood has been on a pretty consistent up for the past week and a half or so now! Long may this continue!

Counting Down to Saturday and 90 days!

Day 85 - Saying Little

Hi Flagg,

85 days.... wooo hooo 5 days one day at a time and counting.

Would you have thought that 85 days ago you would still be here, so the one day at a time stands us in really good stead to meet our goals and dreams of remaining gamble free.

Your heading to the light flagg and forever moving forwards and towards that dream, (and to be able to chair a meeting lol ).

All joking aside you have achived so much flagg and supported so many, keep on doing what your doing.

Blondie x

Good morning,

From your post yesterday it is grrrrrrreat to see you are still feeling ok and some sense of contentment.

I too yesterday was saddened by Andys relapse but it looks like he will start again and so that's good.

I suppose every time this happens it makes you look at yourself and brings home how close any of us are to taking that first step back into the madness.

Anyways lots of craziness flying around last night, there really is some right characters on this site at the moment. I must say I am enjoying log on, to see what the next topic of banter will be.

Hope you have a good day, already bought that double decker , just wanted to know do you like your choc chilled , cause I can pop it into the fridge in the morning if you do ........lol

Take care ,

Dusty xxxxxxxx

Morning Diary,

Day 86 - Find myself wondering a bit today! Again I feel ok and no real issues! I wonder am I not thinking about the things that brought me down a couple of weeks ago are those things just pending, dormant, ready to return! I hope not but I'm more aware now, more equipped to deal with the probs should they return!

I wonder should I be complaining that I'm ok? Complaining maybe the wrong word but apprehensive, a little on edge! What I'm finding is my mood is good but none of the other things I've lost are rushing back! The motivation is lacking, I'm lethargic, I'm tired! However, because my mood is ok I'm starting to wonder whether I'm just being lazy, whether I'm

All the aforementioned things because I choose to be!

I wonder if it's possible to be ok, upbeat but not content? I guess it prob is as are we ever truly content?

Today I wonder prob too much! I find I mention the gambling in passing quite a bit recently but I wonder is this wrong? Gambling consumed my life for so long and now I think it is something that will only come up in passing i.e An urge! The rest of the time I don't think about it, I want to be rid of it, and so far I'm managing to keep it as an occasional thought! So mayb it's ok to write my daily thoughts and just mention the gambling in passing, at the end of the day the whole point of giving up is to be free of it, and it doesn't need even a passing mention!

Just for today I will wonder!

Day 86 - Wondering

Hello Wondering flagg,

Thank you for the post..... So how many days am i on... lol ive totally lost count ?

Wondering is good but i think sometimes I get it confused with acceptance, maybe your not thinking about the probs because you have accepted them or come to some final conclusion about them and like you say will deal with them if needed.

I think its perfectly acceptable to be ok, next step could be content but its hard to describe what content means if youve never experienced it, maybe ok is the new content ;).

Ill settle for now for Ok, its better than sad, miserable, unhappy, hating myself...

I think ok is..... ok

Enjoy your day flagg.

Blondie x

Hi Flagg, I write down everyday how I feel, gambling related or not. It's part of my recovery and I don't care too much how it reads because it's cathartic and helps me enormously. For me it's like having my own counsellor, it's great. Really pleased you've got this far, won't be too long before we reach treble figures, how good is that! A huge area of my life has been removed now leaving me the time and strength to move on as a human being. Doesn't mean everything from now on is going to be brilliant but at least I'm in a better position to handle them. No more sitting there stunned from a huge loss feeling like stringing myself up or running round like a lunatic in a betting frenzy. That's got to be good hasn't it? I'm over the moon. Take care, Steve.

Hi Flagg, thank u 4 ur kind words and support on my diary. It means alot.

U r doing brilliant, ur posts always make a lot of sense 2 me and sometimes they make me think 2 so thanks 🙂

Stay strong and keep going 🙂

Hiya Flagg..

Well done for being g free and for all your support on here too x

thanks for popping by today...I think there is a lot of people on here going for counselling...which is a good thing....

For me it was less about telling me why? as I know the why...but its the "how" to move on now where i'm stuck.

I thought I could intellectualise it all away but realised keeping it all in my head was blocking me moving on as have to feel it now....all the toxic past sludge as I call it...

To be honest i felt that the counsellor couldn't tell me anything that i didn't already know...but being self aware is still not moving stuff.

Am cerebrally and intellectually constipated!.

I am so glad you are on this forum and do hope your getting a lot out of it Flagg....wondering if your going to brave joining the shenanigans ....lol ...Us ladies on here...well ...what can I say?...

The tykes we are.....! ....Lets see if Jon gets out unscathed and then decide....then decide if you want to take up your rightful position of Charlie himself!!!

You only need an intercom...lol

Night night for now Flagg....take care....

Was listening to some Historians debating on Radio 4 today and thought of you at work.

Rachel and Doo x

Morning Diary,

Day 87 - Thanks everyone for your responses as always! The day was pretty uneventful for the most part I did my wondering and then stopped doing that as the moment passed I felt at ease!

Then my day took a huge nosedive! I won't apologise for what I'm about to write, I need to get it down on my diary and off my chest! I'm sure the asterisks will be in attendance anyway to support those offended!

So yesterday, I had an appointment with a councillor! I have not really mentioned on my diary that I've been going but I have for the last 2 weeks been to see a councillor! The first week was pretty good I was just able to talk and talk and talk a bit more! The second week wasn't so good but I did come out with a couple

Of positives! Value for money? Mayb not quite but it helped a little and I was primed to go yesterday!

I juggled work around a bit yesterday went in early so I could leave at 4.30 to make my appointment at 5.30! It's a 25 minute drive but traffic isn't great that time of the evening so I gave myself an hour! Arrived about 5.15 and sat in the car doodling a few notes on my phone about things I wanted to mention!

Just to paint the picture the premises i go to are on the end of a row of shops, on the opposite end is a well known bookies! In terms of parking you have to effectively park right outside said bookies! 5.30 on the dot I got Out the car and sauntered to my appointment! Problem, the shutters were down! Thinking nothing of it I wondered back to the car and sat for a few mins, sauntered back over and still no sign! Started to get a bit frustrated, hung around feeling myself getting quite worked up and waited until 5.50! At 5.50 I thought why am I waiting if the guy was running late he would call me surely! So just after 5.50 I walked back to the car!

I'm not an angry guy but I was close to punching something! My first thought really was get back in the car and drive away, I'm parked right outside a bookies and my mental state was in rapid decline! I drove away and called my sister just a 5 min convo just a friendly voice to help me calm down!

Once calm I carried on home! I then started to really think about the potential consequences of the councillor not turning up for our appointment!

Small Issues:

I adjusted my work day to suit the appointment!

I drove the 40 min journey (inc traffic)

I had to drive back in a bit of a rage (little bit dangerous)

Big Issues:

I'm going for councilling! Not some pointless meeting whereby if there's a no show somebody gets a bit P***** off but you can reschedule! This guy has a pretty important role i.e my mental health by not turning up he has potentially caused a deterioration in my mental health!

I'm a compulsive gambler I don't carry money, I don't want money, money can lead to destruction for me! Yesterday I was carrying money to pay for

My appointment! He doesn't turn up, I'm outside a bookies! My recovery was compromised in my opinion!

I told this guy things about my past without going into detail I mentioned things like people close to me stealing from me, by this ****** not turning up I feel like he has stolen from me both my money and time the last 2 weeks!

Forgive me for being blunt here but unless this guy is dead (which I hope he isn't just to clarify) he has no excuse in the world to not let me know he wasn't coming!

I got home and I was asked 1. Will I be going back? Erm NO simple answer!! Why should I? 2. What if he got the appointment wrong? Erm he isnt in the line of work where that's an acceptable excuse!

Am I over reacting? I don't think I am and I don't think I can be swayed either! All in all I'm mega mega annoyed about the whole situation and I don't get annoyed as a rule!

The only positive I took from the whole day was that I could rationalise why I wanted to gamble because there was a few minutes yesterday where that bookies looked very appealing mainly as a quick escape from the frustration and anger I was experiencing! I then also found myself thinking I've gone nearly 3 months without gambling don't let some **** spoil that! So, I rang my sister and rode out the storm! For these things I am proud, for the rest I am P***** off!

Day 87 - Angry b*****d!

Yo,

Good afternoon mr angry b*****d

Foooooooking high five to you to my friend , in fact make it a foooooooking high five ten ( if you get my drift )

What ever happens in our lives, we face trials , tests whatever which test our resolve . Well you my man , THE .... man in my book at the present moment( its ok I know we are both married lol)

Got through the moment!!!

You are right to be angry , you are more than right to go into one on here. But let me say BUT you (god right at this this moment I love you do much I have brought you a second double decker ) (again I reinterate I know we are both married) but I still love you lol

Foooooking brillant you, my MR POSITIVE, you came you , you saw , you CONCORD

Enough said.............

Dusty xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In a nutshell, unless he's dead I'd get another counsellor and even if he is dead I'd get another counsellor or at least a spiritualist. Joking aside what he did was totally unprofessional and you have every right to be upset. You were left in a vulnerable position yet you handled it very well ( just shows how strong you are and how far you've came). I still hate having to park/wait outside bookies especially with cash in my pocket but after all you'd been through that day, it must have been a head wrecker. You didn't survive you simply beat temptation, take strength from that and be proud of yourself too. Is your name Flagg because you don't Flag under pressure, a bit like Rumplestiltskin this game but I read previously that no one could guess why you're called that, I'm intrigued. Steve.

HI Flagg,

I think you have every right to be annoyed... Didnt turn up... No phone call.. Nothing after he failed to turn up... How un-professional is that... Would you have really wanted him as a counciller anyways he should know more than anyone when you go to a counciller you need help your are emotionally vunerable to let you down like he did is not acceptable.

You passed the test outside the bookies very tricky situation but an A+ pass and its the end result that counts. so well done my friend.

G.A meeting tomorrow ?

Enjoy the rest of your evening flagg. Hmm i want to play as well why your called flagg...

Are you a linesman lol :0

Flagg,

First of all, well done for going almost three months gamble free. That is a fantastic accomplishement and I look forward to being on here in a few weeks congratulating you on reaching day 100.

Second of all, I felt quite angry reading your last post so can imagine how upset you felt yesterday. Your councillor, I would imagine, will have a story for you. It seems too unprofessional for someone in his profession to let you down like this. Who knows, maybe he was sitting at one of the FOBTs in the bookies and couldn't leave. Bad joke.

I have been going to the same barbers for over a decade and he prides himself on opening at 8am in the morning. Twice last week I drove their (different town) only to find he happened opened and no other hairdresser was opened at that time. Both times I had to drive home in a rage. Completely different story and nowhere near as serious as your story but just trying to convey how annoying it is when you drive somewhere in traffic only to be let down and have to drive home again.

That aside, your are doing amazingly well in your recovery. Keep up the good work.

Tomso.