My first diary!

Hi Mr f

Sorry to hear things've been a bit more difficult recently. Your post on my diary is very apt- its useful to remember that life's not static (despite feeling that sometimes) and that each day gamble free is a massive move forward.

Enjoy your sunshine (rainy here!)

Irene

x

Evening Diary,

Day 415 - Feeling ok today despite the rubbish conditions. Nothing else to report!

Day 415 - Feeling fine!

Hi there

I think everyone takes a ride on the big dipper at times when the moods take a swing up and down.

I shouldn't worry about posting when you are down as often that is the time we need to express ourselves most and I am sure it also helps newcomers to understand that it can be ultra hard work at times and despite that guys like you have achieved so much after climbing back up from the dolldrums.

Just my views but think you are doing a brill job.

xxx

Good Morning Diary,

Day 418 - Thanks Rainbow for your thoughts.

In general a much better week. Took some advice and giving some Vitamin D tablets a try to see if that helps with my low moods during the miserable dark rainy days. As mentioned before i'm a cynical sod but I got to the stage where I was fed up with feeling low for no apparent reason. So, currently willing to give anything a go.

Treated myself out of the work bonus to a new pair of running trainers. The weather looks lovely today so I intend to break those in over the weekend.

Other than that busy period ahead now at work with summer (hopefully) approaching and people taking holidays. After re-reading last years diary I found my moods didn't really lift until July. If I pick myself up consistently now then I am a month early.

Day 418 - Finding the positives!

Morning Diary,

Day 422 - The day count continues to rise and that is a real plus point for me. When I opened my Barcelona fund back in April I immediately started another fund. This one is a 2 year fund to have the holiday of a lifetime and will coincide with my debt free date. I thrive on having these goals or challenges.

I say this today as I still look for the reasons why I gambled so heavily and crazily. It is important for me to understand. As more time passes the past actually seems a little clearer.

My gambling was obsessive. I became obsessed first with poker and then football. Both of which I thought I should be able to win at. Before poker my gambling was small stakes horse racing. In between poker and football my gambling was either zero or again small stakes. Infact I will go out on a limb now and suggest Poker wrecked the last 6 years of my life. It brought out the obsessive compulsive part of my psyche and I will forever be watched, analysed, questioned because I become obsessed.

The main point really is I can see my obsession was there long before gambling and still exists now. My obsession is money and more specifically saving money. I was an obsessive saver before gambling and I have become that again now. The ultimate irony is I lost so much money whilst my obsession switched.

For me understanding is integral to my continued recovery. I wanted to work out why stopping gambling has been in some ways easy for me, why the urges have never really surfaced. The truth is obsession. I became obsessive about the day count, obsessive about my £1 a day savings pot. I understand I have channelled my affliction into something far less harmful.

Can obsession be cured? I seriously doubt it. This is why I will remain forever on guard where gambling is concerned. Just for today my obsession is controlled and no sport event or machine punishes my brain. However, I have to accept I live life right on that precarious line between harmless and harmful obsession.

Day 422 - Understanding! My new obsession!

Yo,

Good morning , great post !

Obsession compulsion seems to be so very in ground in us to our core .

A lot of interesting thoughts swirling around the forum at the moment . Which delves a bit deeper into the characteristics of the GC .

Your post did just that , so cheers mate !

Have a good day , sun shining that's always helps .

Shiny xxxxxxx

Hi Flagg great post. The more we understand of our addiction the better chance we have of beating it. Keep saving and keep winning. Great to see such focus and determination to succeed and enjoy your new life.

Morning Diary,

Day 424 - The appearance of that little yellow thing in the sky really does make work a whole lot busier. Been a mad week so far.

Following on from my post the other day I have tried to be less obsessive about my day count lately and edged away from posting each day. I haven't struggled with any urges in this time so I am happy to roll along like this for the time being. That said I also owe a lot to my diary and this forum and intend to be around for a long time yet.

Plan to kick off a new bet free thread very soon too. They did become a little stale before but a nice break and lots of new members should reinvigorate the little challenges.

Still not quite where I want to be but edging closer each day.

Day 424 - Comfortable!

Hi Flagg,

I have not posted 2 u in a while. It is good 2 read u r still going strong and u r doing wot is working 4 u. U should be so proud of urself.

I miss our catch ups in chat, but it's gr8 2 read u r ok 🙂

Have a gr8 day xx

Hi Mr f

Your past couple of posts have been so positive- more like you f, maybe the vit Ds working!

I'm happy to read about the holiday fund and wondering where the exotic treat will be 🙂

Take care

Irene

x

Hello Diary,

Day 425 - Been troubled for some time now by my lack of consistency and ever fluctuating moods. I was thinking yesterday how this week has been far more encouraging and how I can keep this going.

The one day at a time philosophy adopted in those early days of not gambling in theory should work for other things too. So, yesterday I was able to exercise and from now on I will attempt a just for today philosophy and see where it takes me.

Just for today I will finish work and exercise!

Day 425 - One day at a time!

It's the only way to live Flagg. Never read too much into how you feel mentally, acceptance, I find is the key. I have up days and down days, some days I'm bursting with energy, some days more sluggish. What I've learned is you can't feel 100% good 100% of the time. Never beat yourself up about this for I think it's normal. Instead just value and look forward to the good days. I only apply this if my whole life is ok and I'm wondering why I feel lethargic or demotivated, yet if I was in a stressful situation job/relationship etc then I'd act accordingly by shaping perspectives or seeking change.

I assume, you're a bit like me who likes to be focused on challenges almost to an obsession. I don't know about you but beating gambling gave me a purpose and a sense of fulfilment. Ironically the more we achieve in this area the less sense of purpose we feel. Sometimes I'm left feeling ''well what now can I throw myself into?' Don't have the answer for that but I accept how I feel and know that niggling frustration will pass.

Yesterday, I felt tired and sh*tty with a headache, today I feel fine, yesterday I couldn't think clearly, today I can. My moods are seasonal not Californian.

Enjoy your exercise it'll boost your well being but if you feel tired tomorrow when your body's recovering then that's perfectly ok.

Keep enjoying your recovery, 500 hundred days is just around the corner.

Keep strong

Steve

Hey my friend,

I apply one day at a time to everything, for me it takes off the pressure to be able to predict and have certainty as i know now that nothing is for certain i only have today.

I have started running for the race for life in july, finding it hard to get back into in but am also enjoying it, if tomorrow i dont want to run because im tired then i wont .

Go easy on yourself x

enjoy the sunshine.

blondie x

The honourable flagg

fella your doing a fantastic thing through your commitments to abstinence.

Don't ever lose sight of that.

Just a thought, your amazing commitments to the gamble free thread had a huge success to begin with, the 2013 thread has suffered a few problems, the edit facility threw a scanner in the works and we have experienced quite a few casualties. With regret i sometimes feel the thread had a detrimental affect on nt, to which i sorely miss there presence.

To end my friend keep doing what works for you. This journey is not easy, but the good things in life aren't.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning Diary,

Day 428 - Thank you for the posts my friends, warming as ever!

Had a good weekend pretty relaxing so, I would have thought I would be raring to go today. In truth I was close to phoning in sick this morning really struggled to drag myself out of bed. Now I am here it's not so bad which is often the case.

Check in this weekend for the 2013 thread very nearly halfway there for all those still going strong. It would be amazing if all those checking in this weekend are still there come January 1st 2014. That's my hope!

Day 428 - Monday!!