My hopes and dreams for a better and happier future

Thanks Annie and Julie for your messages.

I totally agree with what you both say about reading. I simply don’t read enough. I think the last book I read was about Mr Bump falling down the stairs! Haha!

But seriously, I’ve just completed an autobiography in 3 days. The urges I had to keep picking up that book were unreal.

However, controversially, the book was Paul Merson’s autobiography. A former high profile footballer who battled through drink, drugs and severe gambling problems. Why did I choose to read his book? I was simply fascinated on how someone of his status, on mega money, could get drawn into gambling in the same way as any ordinary person like ourselves.

I’m not sure if I should be reading books about people with gambling problems but I figured that it was only like reading people’s diaries on here. Only it was a celebrity that I still love and admire to this day. What disappointed me though was that he finishes the book by saying that he still gambles today (even though he’s lost about £10 million). Albeit in “a more affordable way” (Is there such thing for a compulsive gambler?.....surely not!) I was hoping for a happy ending. Interestingly, other articles that I’ve read about famous sportsmen/celebs that have had gambling problems in the past also claim to still gamble today. Jeremy Kyle being one of them. It’s quite worrying. Are they kidding themselves? Or have they really modified their ways? I certainly don’t think I’m capable of it.

Dan

I am a lot like you l, Dan. My life is a bit empty and boring so I needed some excitement and thrill. So betting wiped out my saving in the last relapse even though I had been a very careful person on gambling and money. Now my problem is I want to put a large bet and quit betting.

Hi Dan, i've not read the book I suppose Paul Merson just gave up trying to give up and has accepted for his own piece of mind that he is a gambler and he can't beat it. I have felt like that before, tried explaining to parents that for over 25 years I have gambled and have tried giving up numerous times but I can't. Sometimes I would relapse because of the pressure to try and succeed for my parents sake but since then I now know that I don't want to be a gambler anymore, I don't want the pain and stress it brings me. I will have to have a read of that book!

Have another good day today, continue to believe you can knock this on the head for good.

Wilsy

Thanks Wilsy! Top man.

Yes it’s a fascinating book. A must read for any football lover and particularly those like ourselves that are battling gambling addiction. I’ve just downloaded Keith Gillespie’s book. He was another high profile sportsman who got sucked in to a gambling addiction. I think the more books like this I read, the more information I’ll gather on how their gambling started and how they’re managing it. It also provides a sense of perspective that ANYONE can fall victim to the horrible addiction.

Have a good day too Wilsy.

2 days gamble free.

Still feel those dark clouds overhead but it’s still very early days.

Well done Dan. Great start. Good on you for finding reading as an outlet. I am trying creative writing - I have started carrying a notebook and pen round with me (a proper pen, not one of those horrible blue ones you can get in many shops on most high streets....) . I hope that you can take strength from today and yesterday and then think of that tomorrow. But for now, enjoy today, enjoy your lunch break and have a good afternoon.

Gosh, i remember now how slowly these early stages of recovery go.... time seems to go much faster once you’ve accumulated 20 days or so gamble free.

I just keep remembering how happy I felt within myself when I was 30,40,50,60 days gamble free. I can remember where I was for some of those milestones and it’s those memories that are keeping me going. I want to return back to those peaceful, guilt free and happy times again.

well done dan. You are doing great. I still haven't started my next book although I did pretend to start it a couple of months ago but was actually gambling on my phone - which was hidden by the book - so this week I will start. Sounds like you have your head screwed on and know what you want. Good luck - you can do it!

11:26am will not mean anything to anyone else....but it’s the time of day that I had my last relapse.

Which means I’ve just ticked over 3 days gamble free.

I’m taking things very slowly at the moment. I realise that this first week or so is a big test.

I’m certainly not taking things for granted at the moment. Always on my guard.

Thankfully, thanks to my last extended abstinence and the fact that I didn’t go ‘all the way’ with my last gambling bout, I still have some semblence of savings.

I just need to carry on battling, hour by hour at the moment.

I keep telling myself that it DOES get easier. I remember from last time.

Dan

The way I try and deal with recovery, especially in the early stages, is to simply fight through until the close of play (bed time). By hook or crook, make sure you don’t gamble and put all your efforts and concentration into NOT gambling.

You can then earn your rest whilst you sleep over night.

In the morning, you resume battle.

It doesn’t always stay like that, as the days stack up, it does get slightly easier.

I try to put as much daylight between the present and my last bout of gambling.

It may seem like you’re wishing your life away thinking like that, but it’s my way of dealing with it.

I’m very impatient when it comes to things like that and I want to race ahead to 50 days and beyond.

But I know that I will get there eventually. I just have to keep my mind focused on the job in hand.

I agree with everything you are saying above mate. Thanks for your post on my diary and keep up the good fight Dan, you are winning each day.

Wilsy

Well done Dan. Each minute in every hour is an accomplishment.

Dan - I could not have put that better! Every single waking minute is a huge battle and when I get into bed I think “thank f... I’ve made it through another day” and I brace myself for tomorrow. It’s a real hard slog... just hope it gets better.

Well, I’d be lying through my teeth if I said that wasn’t a difficult day.

I’m fighting really hard at the moment to stay positive. The whole process still feels so raw and I’m desperate to get as far away from my last bout of gambling as possible. Unfortunately, this takes time and patience.

For now, I’m just relieved to get through today.

The positive thing is I don’t feel like gambling and neither have I been tempted.

I just want to race up to a big number.

It’s all my own doing though so I’ve got nobody but myself to blame for this predicament.

Tomorrow I live to fight another day.

Goodnight Gamcare friends x

Keep fighting Dan. I’ll be following your journey. You sound like a really decent guy... and a lot of your comments are very similar to mine.