I just blew my monthly salary......dead broke, rent due, no money for the next month, lol, we are not even in October yet I know I will be broke for the whole month.
Sometimes I wonder why me. I want to cry, but tears aren't forth coming, I am usually smart with other things, BUT THIS ONE THING THAT WILL SURELY DESTROY ME SEEMS TO MAKE ME SO DUMB I ONLY REGAIN SELF CONTROL AFTER LOSING ALL.
I don't know if today counts as day one - cos you know, i gambled today - nevertheless, I start again today.
To everyone out there struggling with this deadly addiction, be strong, I hope I am too.
What scares me the most is how you're never free. What i mean is I have read people's diaries...how they go months, heck, some even years and still relapse. I am only 25 and I don't want to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life.
Does it get any easier???? Please I need to know it gets easier.
I never imagined this kind of life I am living now while growing up, but here I am, embarrassing myself and my family, borrowing money for all my friends, taking loan from apps at ridiculous rates just so I can waste it and give it to some people that I don't even know. They most likely are balling with my money while I suffer.
Sometimes I want to blame the government for making it legal, but then I am still the one who plays everyday.
I tried therapy, 12 steps and all....didn't work.
I have researched on how the dopamine-addiction system works, and I have gone the full cycle of being self aware while I get the urges to gamble and try to stop, but I just can't!
Sucks to be me right now, with so much potentials, loved by friends and family, yet i keep letting everyone down.
I wish there was a switch to just turn this pain and suffering off, alas! There isn't one.
The most I have gone gambling free was two months, are those were the best times of my life in 10 years. How I did it, I cursed myself (Where I come from, we are superstitious......but I'm not, but for the sake of this, i was for 2 months till my rational brain kicked in and I went gambling again). This was mid April - mid June 2020, and it was so peaceful, I had money, bought myself stuffs, had a nice time and enjoyed life. Heck! It was the first time that I had the bank pay me savings account interest, i can remember how happy i was. 7 years with a bank account and I never got payed interest by the bank because my account was always empty but I got interest paid and I was happy for my progress. Ever since that relapse, its being harder to stop.
I feel like I have just being rambling.
I don't want to give this suicidal thoughts any chance to grow, because it'd so foolish to waste my life over debt that can easily be paid in about 10 months if I am diligent enough, but d**n, these thoughts be feeling like the solution more and more. I am choosing to live, but I don't want to gamble again.
I hope I stop this time for good.
Your tips and advice would go a long way.
it's nice to know I am not alone in this, I need help.
Have you stopped to ask yourself why you are gambling ?
Is it to escape ? , To win money ? , To self destruct ? , For enjoyment ?
Answer the question honestly
Gambling is much like a roundabout , you lose you lose some more , you win a little bit , then you lose more and round and round you go
Some casual punters may win heck some disciplined pros may even be able to get an income from it
But the vast majority lose , they have too to keep the operators in business
gambling is a profitable business model the house takes a percentage every single time you make a play
I think it's funny how I knew I couldn't afford to lose the money I was gambling with this morning, yet I continued until I lost it all.
I lost most of it yesterday night, closed that account and went to bed angry, only to wake up this morning, open another account and waste the rest of it. Isn't that just incredible????!
I am very rational in most things, and super stupid with gambling.
I am f****d money wise for October, I need to get personal stuff, clothes, and all....yet I wasted that money
Let me quickly finish up some tasks I have in my other job that pays so little, hopefully I get paid soon and see how i can survive with that.
Honestly I don't know why i do it. if I were to choose though, I'd probably say to self destruct, at times I may delude myself to say I am doing it to win some money, but I think it's to self destruct.
I can remember as I was about to deposit the money I lost this morning, I knew I couldn't afford to loose that money, yet I sort of pushed that thought backed and rushed the deposit process....literally!! Like I did it before more rational thoughts prevents me from making that deposit.
I lost it all on virtual football in 10 mins! f**k!!!
All through, I was smiling...not because I liked it, more like "I know I am so f****d, let me get this over quickly".
I lost it and closed the new account. Hopefully the last time.
I am tired of being a mug for the bookies.
I hope I follow through this time.
There is this voice I keep hearing in my head, I like to imagine the voice as me when i was younger begging me to just stop right now, nd everything would be alright. The voice tells me I would live a better life and be very wealthy only if I can just stop.
That's the only thing stopping me from taking my life right now.
I have to sit down now and start calling friends i promised to pay end of this month to start negotiating a new repayment date. d**n!!! This vicious cycle.
chickens have come home to roost
Getting calls from the people I promised to pay. I don't know what to do.
Sick life of a compulsive gambler
Yes sounds like there are elements of self destruct at work
So the next question is what is causing you to want to self destruct ? my first guess would be you are unhappy with your current life / job / partner / financial situation whatever
So you need to address those issues to be able to deal with the addiction in the longer term
in the short term as you say the chickens have come home to roost and you will need to deal with those consequences in the short term ......if you have promised people debt repayments and you arent able to make them it could cost you friendship's but that is the price we must pay as gamblers
Do you have anything you could sell or something ?
I wont lie when you are at the bottom of the spiral its a tough climb back up
Hi @ade,
I am really sorry you are feeling like this, you have done really well to confront this now as admitting it’s a problem to yourself is sometimes the toughest part. It sounds like you have a lot going on and your mental health is suffering because of it.
If you haven’t done so already, I would encourage you to make an appointment with your GP to discuss your current mental well-being, and the impacts your gambling is having, so they can offer you the emotional support you might need.
It’s really important to have an achievable plan for the debt repayment. Having a manageable plan is essential and chipping away at it without gambling, it can only go one way. With this in place you can really concentrate on other areas of your recovery and enhance it further.
Could I also give the details for some organisations that can offer some free debt advice.
National Debtline – 0808 808 4000, www.nationaldebtline.org
StepChange – 0800 138 1111, www.stepchange.org
Should you be in need of any further support with your recovery, please feel free to contact the helpline on 0808 8020 133 or via our live chat available from the website https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/talk-to-us-now/ both of which are open seven days a week, 24 hours a day and where one of our advisers will be able to talk, for as long as you need, and look at all the support available to you.
As I am sure you will find, the Forum is a welcoming and supportive space which allows you to talk to others who may also be experiencing similar issues to yourself.
Wishing you all the very best and keep sharing,
Regards
Dan
Forum Admin
Thoughts of how I stupidly lost my rent yesterday running through my mind.
So, I need twice the money I had available to me yesterday. What I mean is, the money that'd cover the people I planned to pay and my rent is twice the money I had (meaning I had money for one thing, either I paid rent or I paid my friends, couldn't do both as it would not be enough). I somehow convinced myself that I should gamble and win the other half, so I can I pay everything at once because i didn't want to pay one without doing the other.
While gambling, I was up actually, I had numerous chances to withdraw that money, but I didn't, I kept going.
Now that I have lost everything, I can't stop thinking about how I could have settled either my friends or my rent, and have to only worry about the other half today.....instead, I have lost valuable money and worrying about paying rent and my friends all over again!!
A month's pay simple gone!!! pufffff!! into thing air
Yes sounds like there are elements of self destruct at work
So the next question is what is causing you to want to self destruct ? my first guess would be you are unhappy with your current life / job / partner / financial situation whatever
So you need to address those issues to be able to deal with the addiction in the longer term
in the short term as you say the chickens have come home to roost and you will need to deal with those consequences in the short term ......if you have promised people debt repayments and you arent able to make them it could cost you friendship's but that is the price we must pay as gamblers
Do you have anything you could sell or something ?
I wont lie when you are at the bottom of the spiral its a tough climb back up
I don't think any of the reasons you suggested is why I want to self destruct. I have thought about it, I can't think of any reason.
Even though I am super f****d at the moment, I still feel some joy in my heart that everything will be okay.
Is that weird?
As the day ends and I am lost in thought, I think about the sheer wickedness in the heart of men to have designed machines, and means to keep fellow humans addicted to things like gambling.
I reminisce on the anger I felt in my body while watching the series Snowfall where the character Franklin didn't give a f**k on the impact the drugs he was selling had on people of his community as long as he made money. I remember how I looked at the characters that played addicts in the series, the pain in their eyes and how I thought to myself, "d**n, you are like these peoples, but your own drug is gambling".
I will beat this addiction, I swear on it. I cannot waste this one single life I have got.
I gambled in the early hours of today, so maybe today is not fit to be day 1, so I'd make tomorrow day 1.
I want to go on a spiritual journey tomorrow, righting my wrongs and making myself whole. I have some other little addictions, and everything stops today!!
Tomorrow is my rebirth! Never again will I waste a single penny, I will get my life back on track.
I don't know if I am posting too much, but this is all I have got not to loose my mind.
To people out there suffering like I am, you can beat this, be strong!!! I imagine if someone had a gun to your head, and it meant that if you placed one more bet, you'd have your head blown off, I'm pretty sure we will not take another bet.
Enough for today. For those who have take time to read and comment, thank you, I welcome you on board my life changing moment. Enjoy the ride
It's a brand new day. My DAY ONE!!
It's been a quiet morning, some self reflection, some planning and lots of hope for what six months from now holds.
I have to do a S****y thing though, I did switch off my phone to avoid calls from people I owe. No, I am not running away from what I know is inevitable.....I already put some plans in motion to get cash. I only want some peace and quiet till I get the cash later in the day and I'd settle the debts I can from that.
I have to get back to work now.
I'd come back with an update on how it's going.
And hey, I started this new Netflix series, SQUID GAME. I saw a bit of myself in those characters, the desperation and the vulnerability to anything to get out of debt. I don't want to be where i am ever again and today I start the journey away from this s**t show.
Its a hard life. I just want this suffering to end
Its a hard life. I just want this suffering to end
Yeah, I didn't stick to my plans. I f****d up 5 days in....and it's being on and on since then. Just load some money about 3 hours ago, and I am here again.
I wanna start over.
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