My life with addiction

Lol, Im very well thanks. Thought i would let you take up the mantle of the big bad wolf for a couple of days ;). People dont like the truth very much do they? Especially addicts in denial ! Keep doing what your doing, you offer real perspective of what is at stake here. Of course some will get defensive, thats the nature of our illness. I suppose we all have to accept that the commonality of this forum is for people in very early stages of attempting to stop, people still very affected by an addicted way of thinking. Einstein said, No problem can be solved from the same level of conciousness that created it. Yet this is how most go about trying too get well. Hope things are continuing to improve slowly but surely in your world. Dan (wasnt sure where to reply)

Hi, Dan,

Thanks! My posts often are too blunt, and I'll be more much careful to avoid putting newcomers off. Anger can be tactical, makes questioners back off, I've experienced that in real life during his addiction. But how these people deal with their situation is their business, will leave others to administer requisite pats on the back.

Things are stable, thanks, his behaviour is much better for the time being. Communication is still superficial, I am deliberately avoiding areas where the Therapist might go and wary of rocking the boat. So I think that he believes that he's stopped gambling now so everything's ok. And he did mention my tendency to look back all the time whereas he just wants to move forwards...I think that the Therapist has his work cut out, but he has a good reputation.

Take care of yourself,

CW

Hi Dan,

As much as i get like a bull (with steam coming out of my nose too ☺) i kinda miss you :-/ ..that's new lol

Any steps to share?

Ps...big bad wolf 😀 hehe...i looovvvveeee that tune! (Or advert more? 😉 )
Pps. Can you please tell me, where we start "recovery" and when not & are only "abstaining".
Was toying with an idea to ask GC to do separate diary section for abstainers if ya get what i mean!...ohhh..thise questions huh...like bullets out of clear sky 🙂

Not sure what that's all about. I'll choose to ignore the sarcasm. .

​

Aggr..yes, apologies Dan. I am sarky girl sometimes and deffo jumped on the wrong horse here lol. I am honestly sorry about it.

What i tried to ask is what's the difference between abstinence and recovery. After reading your thoughts i got an impression that to be in "recovery" you shouldn't get any urges. I prob read it all wrong (apologies again).
For me, start of recovery is the day i admit the problem...

Getting confused.com again so shall leave it here, don't sweat about replying ..just good to see you stepping out of shadows and tapping again ☺

Sun is up, time for fresh air! Catch ya later alligator (sarky joke 😉 )..you will learn more about me in time.

Tk care!

Hai my Slant there.

Abstaining vs Recovery.

There both the same or at least connected. In a hurdle race, just because you've got over the 1st hurdle doesn't mean your going to finish the race but it's a good start. It's the same with climbing a mountain, you need the 1st step and so on and on.

Don't let words confuse you, just listen to your friends. And Wear some ear rings..

NO ONE TRUSTS ME

Well why should they really. One of the saddest elements of addiction is that those closest to the addict are the ones that get hurt the most, over & over again. Loved ones try to control the impossible, they try to stop caring or finally they just detach their love if they are able. We, as gambling addicts, leave in our wake a mountain of lies, broken promises, financial ruin & shame. Regaining any sort of trust is not easy & certainly will not be gained overnight. Here are somethings you need to get started with rebuilding any kind of trust.

* Stop gambling.

* Change your lifestyle.

* Change who you are by being painstakingly honest & backing up your words with actions.

* Time. How much time? As much as it takes.

Trust takes a lot longer to rebuild tha it does to destroy. Family members who are trying to rebuild trust with a recovering addict are not starting out on an even playing field as you would with someone you just met. Tbey are trying to climb out of a well of deep hurt, disappointment & fear. Family members also need to commit to being honest about their feelings & expectations.

One thing to remember is that trust is not the same thing as love & forgiveness. Our loved ones can love & forgive us but still not trust us again. Love & forgiveness are a choice. Trust is also a choice, but one that can only be reached through time & honesty. The key is for recovering addicts is to begin to build on small victories, become more predictable in their actions, have their actions match their words, to continue to be completely honest under all circumstances. These elements, commitment to communication & time are keys to rebuilding trust when one or both of you are recovering.

It took me many years to rebuild trust with family members. I still had loving relationships with them & still spent time with them. However, I had done a lot of damage & had been so disbonst with them for so long that it was understandable for them not to give me back that trust right away. I had to continue to do trustworthy things & back up my words with appropriate & positive actions. The fact that the trust took a long time to come back made it all the more cherishex & something I would never wish to lose again

Respect also takes a lot longer than it does to destroy. Similar to trust yet different.

I guess self respect is also another gift of recovery...

Just copied and sent to my son. Says everything that I struggle to say.

Thanks

Cathy

Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. When I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. .. …Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

Destination Acceptance. I guess this is a sometimes daily practice not letting things, people, places or situations wind one up.

Being happy with your lot and appreciating you can't change how the world evolves isn't easy. Must be an old saying in there somewhere!!

Great post Dan, thank you for sharing ☺

Acceptance of ourselves and life around us is indeed the key

Keep on keeping on

day@atime wrote:

When you get what you want in your struggle for self. And the world makes you king for a day. Just go to the mirror and look at yourself. And see what that man has to say. For it isn't your father, or mother or wife whose judgment upon you must pass. The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life, is the one staring back from the glass. He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest. For he is with you clear up to the end. And you've passed your most dangerous difficult test, if the guy in the glass is your friend. You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum and think you're a wonderful guy but the Man in the glass, says your a b*m if you can't look him straight in the eye. You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years, and get pats on the back as you pass, but your final reward will be heartache and tears, if you've cheated the man in the glass

Dan, i wanted to bring ths fantastic post back to the front. It helped me as well as many more of your posts have done in the past..

I've just re-read/ flicked through other of your old posts as i hunted down the one above and one day i'll probably either re-read this diary or print it out as a guide. You might have felt smoke blow up your ar.se yesterday as i mentioned you to a friend who also reads your posts. Thankyou...

A post you wrote a while back, which you probably wont remember was about enthusiasm of life. Example,seeing something every one raves about, and keeping my mouth shut as i dont really understand what they are seeing? Apologies, if you dont get what i'm saying but would love to read your thoughts on that again....

Have a good Sunday..

volcano wrote:

[quote=day@atime]

When you get what you want in your struggle for self. And the world makes you king for a day. Just go to the mirror and look at yourself. And see what that man has to say. For it isn't your father, or mother or wife whose judgment upon you must pass. The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life, is the one staring back from the glass. He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest. For he is with you clear up to the end. And you've passed your most dangerous difficult test, if the guy in the glass is your friend. You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum and think you're a wonderful guy but the Man in the glass, says your a b*m if you can't look him straight in the eye. You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years, and get pats on the back as you pass, but your final reward will be heartache and tears, if you've cheated the man in the glass

Dan, i wanted to bring ths fantastic post back to the front. It helped me as well as many more of your posts have done in the past..

I've just re-read/ flicked through other of your old posts as i hunted down the one above and one day i'll probably either re-read this diary or print it out as a guide. You might have felt smoke blow up your ar.se yesterday as i mentioned you to a friend who also reads your posts. Thankyou...

A post you wrote a while back, which you probably wont remember was about enthusiasm of life. Example,seeing something every one raves about, and keeping my mouth shut as i dont really understand what they are seeing? Apologies, if you dont get what i'm saying but would love to read your thoughts on that again....

Have a good Sunday..

Morning Dan, Have a super sunday. thanks tri

day@atime wrote: Thanks HL & Sandra,

Shame, guilt, remorse. All words i hear bandied around when it comes to addiction. The only shame, guilt & remorse i have today are that i let them keep me imprisoned in my addiction for so long. Only through confronting the power these emotions held over me for so long & sharing those feelings with others, have i began to face a healthier life
.
Here are 2 stories, one from my early gambling history & one from close to the end. Both do not vary greatly in content, just the minor details around them do. The behaviour doesnt change just the opportunity & circumstances of it.

Im 14 years old, my gambling addiction has been firmly in place for a good few years now. A school trip to the slopes of somewhere i dont recall is on offer & my parents have kindly allowed me to go. They hand me the cash to pay the deposit(about a £100 i think) this is about1984/85 so no bank transfers then.
I decide to skip school that day & venture to my local arcade. With my big wad of cash feeling invincible, convinced my skill & great judgement around fruit machines will win me my fortune that day. I will be able to hand my trip money in tomorrow & still be left with great sums of money to lavish on myself & my friends to show them how amazing i am. The place is fairly empty as its a school day, just the odd regular daily addicts getting their fix. I looked upon these people with disgust, zombies, unkempt, unwashed, not knowing i was destined to join their ranks shortly. The place being quiet & the unusual amount of money on me allowed me to play multiple machines at once, throwing in my coins, feeling like the big man, nothing could go wrong right?

4 or 5 hours later i have nothing left. My plans for global domination crushed on a ВЈ4.80 jackpot machine. Im distraught, filled with self pity. How do i explain where my deposit is to the teachers. How do i tell mum & dad where the money went. I dont even have the money to get the 6 mile bus journey home. I beg a few regulars to lend me the money to get home but their coins are promised elsewhere as i have filled up most of the machines for them. One fellow tho offers me the chance to earn myself a ВЈ5 if i will help him out. He takes me to the toilet & unzips his fly while explaining what i need to do for the money. In fairness i did haggle up to £10 (always resourceful when it comes to getting extra money as an addict).
Deed done i am at least able to get home with this money. But first before getting the bus lets just see if i can turn this £10 into a few quid more, maybe even get back it all...... 45 minutes later i begin the 6 mile walk home to face the music.

18/12/2006

Christmas is coming. Presents to be bought. Its been a particularly nasty year on the gambling front. My reliance to use it to get me through everything in life becoming ever more constant. My life is completely unmanagable. Family, work, debt are all about to consume me but i am still powerless to the call of my addiction. I know its killing me but i dont know where to begin on stopping it all just seems impossible. Anyhow i have got hold of about 3k. I set off to worcester in the pretence of buying gifts. Dismissing the facts that Cheltenham has very fine shops for buying goods & ignoring the obvious that i needed 3k with which to buy them, i told myself that just in case something took my fancy i will take a little extra & i wasnt going to Worcester because i had been caught a few times going in gambling establishments in Cheltenham, but because they might have something nicer over there for my wife & kids. So armed with the knowledge im nice & doing a good thing for my family off i set.

Well something does take my fancy. Two machines to be precise. One that promised riches over the rainbow & another awful thing which i spent a lot of company with doing business for monkeys. Two spins later im £496.00 up. This is going to be a fantastic day! I hit a jackpot 4 times that day on different games & yet walked out 15 hours later without a penny to my name. Head pounding, heart racing, stinking of sweat & rage but no presents. Hadnt even made it to the shops to look. A shameful trudge out of the doors not daring to look back at the staff staring at me or the vultures waiting to pounce on my losses to win them for themselves & off to the car park up. Greeted by the daily site of a parking ticket on my windscreen because i had tried to save a quid on the meter. Keys in the ignition, no radio? Turn them over nothing. The dreaded check of the lights confirms i have left them on allday. I sit behind the wheel crying , screaming, headbutting the steering wheel. Blood is pouring from my face mixing with the tears & snot. This must be that rock bottom i have heard about. I cant live like this anymore, its time to end it. The river runs through Worcester town centre so decide its time to end it all. Im going to jump off the road bridge & end it all. I have had enough. I walk the few hundred yards to the bridge already knowing i cant do it, my mind already soothing itself quickly, repairing the damage in the way it was so practiced in doing. I turn around, mind going 100 miles an hour doing what it did best. Repair the immediate chaos. Find an excuse, live to fight another day. Put off being found out.

The car is jump started by a wary but kind fellow in the car park. I drive home playing my favorite game after a loss of how long i can keep my eyes closed on the motorway. Eyeing up bridge structures & the central reservation contemplating just yanking the wheel in their direction. Working out my explanation as to my battered face (walked into something at work) working out a way to get more money(simple just steal some more from family business) & generally telling myself never again, today it stops.... it didnt the next day i gambled again.

My house of cards finally crumbled the following April. It all caught up with me. I had no moral epiphany where i confessed all. I got caught, plain & simple. I would have never stopped on my own. I didnt know where to begin.
My wife demanded i go to GA. I went. I thought it would stop the questions, shut her up. 4-6 weeks of that & i could return to the gambling when the heat died down. 8.5 years later im still there & no gambling to report. It saved me. Life doesnt magically become wonderful when the gambling ceases. It can take many years of consistant hard work & a 100% commitment to change is needed.

If i could offer a few words of advice it would be, ruthlessly persue getting to know & like yourself. Cut the cra P you tell yourself. Never lie to yourself. Honestly face it all. The things you have run from are usually not that scary. My emotions & responses to them were all driven by fear for 30 years.

Some advice i was given through the GA rooms & the 12 step recovery program have been of enormous use. Here are a few :

If you want what people in successful recoveries have, do what they do. If you dont like what they have, go back to what you had.

Religion is for people afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there.

You dont have a problem. You have a solution you dont like.

I never did anything in moderation- except my recovery.

The quality of your recovery is proportional to your surrender.

Untreated my past will become my future.

What is neccesary for change is for a person to change their awareness of themselves.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Havnt posted in a while. Then had a flick through some posts last night.

Oh dear!
The site is to share our stories. Our hopes for the future. How do we continue to practice abstinence & find recovery.
It seems all folk want to do is pat each other on the back & talk about how their bank balances look.

I see very little honesty. No sharing. No vulnerability. Just people telling others how it should be rather than how it was for them.