My life with addiction

Good on you....

Was thinking on the same lines and was wondering within myself, why I've gone off the boil of late. It's hard to stay on the recovery horse; the ego reappears after a spell of abstinence.

I know im a broken record, but my actions need to be GA based and therapy from an Act angle. Changes are happening but then it goes back to my patience....

Anyway, I wish you well and miss your directness and prompting on this forum

Hi dan
I've only ever found your posts insightful and inspiring.
Best
Louis

day@atime wrote: [quote=day@atime]Thanks HL & Sandra, Shame, guilt, remorse. All words i hear bandied around when it comes to addiction. The only shame, guilt & remorse i have today are that i let them keep me imprisoned in my addiction for so long. Only through confronting the power these emotions held over me for so long & sharing those feelings with others, have i began to face a healthier life . Here are 2 stories, one from my early gambling history & one from close to the end. Both do not vary greatly in content, just the minor details around them do. The behaviour doesnt change just the opportunity & circumstances of it. Im 14 years old, my gambling addiction has been firmly in place for a good few years now. A school trip to the slopes of somewhere i dont recall is on offer & my parents have kindly allowed me to go. They hand me the cash to pay the deposit(about a £100 i think) this is about1984/85 so no bank transfers then. I decide to skip school that day & venture to my local arcade. With my big wad of cash feeling invincible, convinced my skill & great judgement around fruit machines will win me my fortune that day. I will be able to hand my trip money in tomorrow & still be left with great sums of money to lavish on myself & my friends to show them how amazing i am. The place is fairly empty as its a school day, just the odd regular daily addicts getting their fix. I looked upon these people with disgust, zombies, unkempt, unwashed, not knowing i was destined to join their ranks shortly. The place being quiet & the unusual amount of money on me allowed me to play multiple machines at once, throwing in my coins, feeling like the big man, nothing could go wrong right? 4 or 5 hours later i have nothing left. My plans for global domination crushed on a £4.80 jackpot machine. Im distraught, filled with self pity. How do i explain where my deposit is to the teachers. How do i tell mum & dad where the money went. I dont even have the money to get the 6 mile bus journey home. I beg a few regulars to lend me the money to get home but their coins are promised elsewhere as i have filled up most of the machines for them. One fellow tho offers me the chance to earn myself a £5 if i will help him out. He takes me to the toilet & unzips his fly while explaining what i need to do for the money. In fairness i did haggle up to £10 (always resourceful when it comes to getting extra money as an addict). Deed done i am at least able to get home with this money. But first before getting the bus lets just see if i can turn this £10 into a few quid more, maybe even get back it all...... 45 minutes later i begin the 6 mile walk home to face the music. 18/12/2006 Christmas is coming. Presents to be bought. Its been a particularly nasty year on the gambling front. My reliance to use it to get me through everything in life becoming ever more constant. My life is completely unmanagable. Family, work, debt are all about to consume me but i am still powerless to the call of my addiction. I know its killing me but i dont know where to begin on stopping it all just seems impossible. Anyhow i have got hold of about 3k. I set off to worcester in the pretence of buying gifts. Dismissing the facts that Cheltenham has very fine shops for buying goods & ignoring the obvious that i needed 3k with which to buy them, i told myself that just in case something took my fancy i will take a little extra & i wasnt going to Worcester because i had been caught a few times going in gambling establishments in Cheltenham, but because they might have something nicer over there for my wife & kids. So armed with the knowledge im nice & doing a good thing for my family off i set. Well something does take my fancy. Two machines to be precise. One that promised riches over the rainbow & another awful thing which i spent a lot of company with doing business for monkeys. Two spins later im £496.00 up. This is going to be a fantastic day! I hit a jackpot 4 times that day on different games & yet walked out 15 hours later without a penny to my name. Head pounding, heart racing, stinking of sweat & rage but no presents. Hadnt even made it to the shops to look. A shameful trudge out of the doors not daring to look back at the staff staring at me or the vultures waiting to pounce on my losses to win them for themselves & off to the car park up. Greeted by the daily site of a parking ticket on my windscreen because i had tried to save a quid on the meter. Keys in the ignition, no radio? Turn them over nothing. The dreaded check of the lights confirms i have left them on allday. I sit behind the wheel crying , screaming, headbutting the steering wheel. Blood is pouring from my face mixing with the tears & snot. This must be that rock bottom i have heard about. I cant live like this anymore, its time to end it. The river runs through Worcester town centre so decide its time to end it all. Im going to jump off the road bridge & end it all. I have had enough. I walk the few hundred yards to the bridge already knowing i cant do it, my mind already soothing itself quickly, repairing the damage in the way it was so practiced in doing. I turn around, mind going 100 miles an hour doing what it did best. Repair the immediate chaos. Find an excuse, live to fight another day. Put off being found out. The car is jump started by a wary but kind fellow in the car park. I drive home playing my favorite game after a loss of how long i can keep my eyes closed on the motorway. Eyeing up bridge structures & the central reservation contemplating just yanking the wheel in their direction. Working out my explanation as to my battered face (walked into something at work) working out a way to get more money(simple just steal some more from family business) & generally telling myself never again, today it stops.... it didnt the next day i gambled again. My house of cards finally crumbled the following April. It all caught up with me. I had no moral epiphany where i confessed all. I got caught, plain & simple. I would have never stopped on my own. I didnt know where to begin. My wife demanded i go to GA. I went. I thought it would stop the questions, shut her up. 4-6 weeks of that & i could return to the gambling when the heat died down. 8.5 years later im still there & no gambling to report. It saved me. Life doesnt magically become wonderful when the gambling ceases. It can take many years of consistant hard work & a 100% commitment to change is needed. If i could offer a few words of advice it would be, ruthlessly persue getting to know & like yourself. Cut the cra P you tell yourself. Never lie to yourself. Honestly face it all. The things you have run from are usually not that scary. My emotions & responses to them were all driven by fear for 30 years. Some advice i was given through the GA rooms & the 12 step recovery program have been of enormous use. Here are a few : If you want what people in successful recoveries have, do what they do. If you dont like what they have, go back to what you had. Religion is for people afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there. You dont have a problem. You have a solution you dont like. I never did anything in moderation- except my recovery. The quality of your recovery is proportional to your surrender. Untreated my past will become my future. What is neccesary for change is for a person to change their awareness of themselves. One Breath One Step One Day At A Time

Havnt posted in a while. Then had a flick through some posts last night. Oh dear! The site is to share our stories. Our hopes for the future. How do we continue to practice abstinence & find recovery. It seems all folk want to do is pat each other on the back & talk about how their bank balances look. I see very little honesty. No sharing. No vulnerability. Just people telling others how it should be rather than how it was for them.

Hi Day@atime I'm sorry but I've got confused with everything that is going on today! I did want to ask is the above post actually part of your story? If it is I'm sorry you went through that at the age of 14. If it isn't I apologise in advance. - wcid.

Hi. Dan,

What I have appreciated on this forum, has been the fantastic encouragement and praise from like minded folk, it really helped me at the beginning of my journey, we are CGs and we have all been on that low life boat of addiction, we are all on another same boat now recovery, even if we all look at it with different glasses, we all deserve high 5s every day, because we are fighting something that is bigger than us. and it is my friend, no matter how long we are in recovery or abstain, we are all only one bet away from self destruction.

Gently gently my friend, everyone has a vulnerable spot,

Suzanne xxx

Lol. Thanks all for your constuctive criticism.

My diary i believe. My thoughts. Dont expect everyone to agree.

It seems to be acceptable to come here & abuse me. Fair enough, cant say it bothers me too much.

I know my side of the street is clean.

Off too throw some toys out of my pram 😉

Hi Dan,

Keep posting your thoughts on your diary. I would think about changing the locks though.. Just sayin.

Ha ha Joan. Perhaps. Rather the poisen was directed in my direction than elsewhere. All is cool. Water off a ducks back.

Throw them my way Dan, I have run out :)) lol.

Suzanne xxx

Day@atime I think there is a lot of people who feel posts have been abuse towards them, including myself! Or was that a debate? But anyways I too decided to let it be 'water off a ducks back' - wcid

Hi Dan , Sorry I'm a bit late coming to the party , still working and paying off my debt to Mr Gamble don't you know !

I'm presuming the latest grenade you chucked in refers to my post ? , apologies if its not but it seems to add up a bit ?

I mean no disrespect but when you post I imagine you as a preacher , throwing out words of wisdom to a congregation in a village church , warning them of the perils if they don't follow the righteous path to glorious salvation , to cast out the non believers and banish them to eternal damnation where all hell will descend upon them ( Too Much ? ) LoL !.

You said " A site to share stories " which if I'm not mistaken I've done already , it's on my diary in plain veiw for all to see !.

"No sharing , No vulnerability " ? again I have shared and I have felt vulnrable throughout my journey on here and I still at times get that feeling knowing I'm only one bet away from a very bad place ..

"How do we continue to practice abstinance and find recovery " Well , we obviously have different ideas of what " recovery " is as I really though I was in it ? and practice abstinance ? as far as I'm concerned if I don't gamble then I'm abstaining , the blocks , the triangle and the willpower are my tools and they work just fine .

Last night I was slated on a day that I was looking forward too , my 6 months of not having gambled on anything and I was feeling pretty proud of that achievement , I was pleased to recieve the lovely positive comments on my diary from people who support each other and who I consider friends and when they reach a milestone I will be among the first to start high fiveing them .

I really don't see what the difference is to you getting a pin at GA , I wouldn't criticise you for doing that as I feel it marks a great achievement and I'm sure there's quite a lot of love in that room when it happens ? , the only difference here is its a cyberhug !

My Diary is my page , a place I come to put down my feelings, have a rant or to speak to others . That post wasn't one that required a response but people did , people who I've come to share with and with whom there is a mutual support , they felt they wanted to share and I would do the same It's not a requirement it's just the way it works and just because one person took offence at me saying " I don't understand why people don't embrace recovery and all it has to offer " it really knocks the shine off of what was a nice day , had that comment come from someone that truly wants to recover I would proberbly have accepted it much better but some people simply don't get it and return time and time again through a revolving door ,so I suppose theres a lot of anger there yet to be dealt with !.

If you would like me to share with you some more or repeat what I have in place to achieve continued abstinance , then please let me know, as for vulnrability well I'm not sat here crying my eyes out or shaking with fear , so no I'm not feeling vulnerable right now (sorry ) !

This place gets crazier by the week - I love it. Keeps me occupied at least watching all the to and fro. I don't know why everyone can't just get along?

Just wrote a long post defending myself.
Deleted it, i have nothing to defend.
Despite what some would like to think it wasnt about you.
Funny how addicts always think its them people are talking about.

Morning Dan,

Ofcourse you don't have to defend yourself:)) kickstart those negative thoughts into the gutter, and have a great gambling free day

Suzanne xxx

Morning Dan , ok thanks for clearing that up and apologies but when you throw one out there just to get a reaction as you seem to do , then maybe don't be suprised when comments are unfavorable but as you say " It doesn't bother you too much " and maybe there lies the problem , just my humble opinion !