My Recovery Diary

Hi Simon.

Thanks for the post on my diary.Just want to say that you posting on other diaries is helping others.So keep posting as your support is much appreciated.

Realy hope alls well with you and that the urge you had a few weeks ago is staying far away.

All the best for now and have a great gamble free weekend.

Stay strong!

Viggo.

Glad to see that you are really committed to this recovery journey thing. It's not easy as I know from many previous experiences and it will take a huge amount of determination and willpower to succeed.

And with people like you around, we all WILL succeed!

Enjoy your weekend.

GT

Hi Simon,

Thanks for posting in my diary, it's really appreciated.

I've just spent time reading your diary. Ok you've had a couple of slips in the last 18 months but with all the things that have been going on in your life I think yu have done tremendously well. Look back on the 18 months just prior to you starting your diary, count up your losses for that time and you will see how far you've come.

Big congratulations on being gamble free since easter. It is a journey - and you're on the right road.

Strength and best wishes to you.

HI simon,

Thought I'd check your diary out as you posted on mine.It seems your story is an inspiration to many people not just me. Dont think what you've lost while gambling think of what you have gained. All the people you have helped simply by jotting down your thoughts. Even if you had only helped one person with your story surely that far outweighs the loss of money after all we are remembered for what we did not what we have when die.

I've had thoughts in the past few days maybe it could start on here, I read you bit about them advertising gambling if people managed to stop smoking being advertised maybe the same could be done for gambling. I think gambling is even more of a threat to advertise especially in times like these. Everyone is struggling financially and these companies say they offer a way to win money fast. Surely that is going to appeal to alot of people who in a more secure time would not even think of gambling. Anyway just a thought.

Thank you for your diary its made me feel like i can get over this.

Hi Simon,

Thanks very much for taking the time to post on my thread. I have taken a lot of heart from reading your words/diary. Stay strong and best wishes.

djlad

Hi Simon, I see you have been missing from here a week or so. I hope things are going ok for you. Weldy

Hi folks, I have not posted for a while and there is no particular reason for that other than not putting the time aside to do so. I have realised this is something I must do, my recovery should be my highest priority. I will endeavour to post much more regularly, hopefully every day, especially for the immediate term.

I would like to thank all those who read my diary and particularly those who have left such lovely comments recently. Believe me, they give me such a boost and further encouragement to keep doing what I am doing - posting on other people's diaries, posting on my own, and generally just trying to stay clean from this 'illness' - it's wonderful to read that I am helping others with some of the things I write so thank you for such wonderful compliments.

About 10 minutes ago I logged on to a particular website to find out what the latest slot machines are for a gaming site I used to play at. I was there a few minutes only but did spend time reading about the new features and bonuses for these slots. I think that's a good example of what happens if I don't visit this site daily and keep posting. It's vitally important to keep fresh in my mind what gambling has taken from me and how much more it can take.

What is it that brings those thoughts back about wanting to play again so soon after a huge loss? Not just a financial loss, but more so an emotional one. I can't get my head around it. I have lost so much to gambling (relationships, friendships, work opportunities and let so many people down, particularly my family, not to mention myself) and yet so quickly following a big financial and emotional loss I will start to think about gambling once again. My mind will somehow try and justify to the rest of me that it's fine, it will be 'different' this time, but it never is.

The addiction is madness, really. I am not going to feel angry with myself for having these thoughts and for looking at the site earlier. I need to accept that is part of being an addict and having a problem. However, I do need to constantly remind myself how cunning this addiction is. It tries to catch me off guard and if I am ever having a weak moment or a bad day - if something has happened and I am feeling vulnerable - that's it, it will go for me like there's no tomorrow with all its strength and power trying to riddle its way back into my psyche and convince me I can control it and this time will be different.

I can't explain how or why this is the case. It frustrates me that the addiction has so much control over me, no mater how much time I have refrained from it. It actually frightens me too. This is such a serious illness and one not to be taken lightly if I want to stop, and I do.

I am constantly bombarded with emails from sites I have registered at offering me all sorts of bonuses and free money, often without any wagering requirements to meet. It's fine though. I am deleting them straight away and in today's case I rang one particular casino and asked them to close all my accounts, ban me for life and to remove my details from all mailing lists, which they did promptly. I was polite and non-aggressive, completely different from how I have been in the past when doing the same thing with other sites. This is clearly because my mind thinks rationally now, I am calmer, I sleep well at night and I am in a much better place emotionally with nowhere near as much anger as I had before when gambling. I guess you could say I am at peace to some extent. It's a good feeling either way. A large part of that is down to Gamcare and GA so thanks again for all the support.

I am also regaining my confidence and have been working on my CV and covering letters for jobs I want to apply for. This is a huge step and its going well so far. I need to keep working on my procrastination but I am heading in the right direction and really living the day at a time philosophy which makes complete sense to me.

Will leave it there for this evening but I am really glad I got myself back here again posting before too much time lapsed. It's clear to me now that if I am not here reading and posting on diaries, and I don't go to my weekly GA meeting for support, then it's all too easy to end up back in the irrational world of compulsive gambling, and that's a place I really don't want to be again. It's robbed me of so much.

Hope everyone else is managing to find the strength and support for their own recovery and my thoughts are with you all daily.

Just for today I will not gamble.

hi simon.i finally got to read your diary.looks like you have a lot more to cope with than just gambling.am very impressed with how you handle things.if i had half your strengh i know i would be fine.keep it up mate,be strong

Hi Simon,

Hope all is going well mate. I haven't been on the site for the last week, just taking a bit of a time out from here. I did manage to catch a bit of your show last weekend and hopefully i'll do the same tomorrow morning all being well. Doesn't sound like a good idea logging into online casinos mate, sounds like self torture to me. I understand the fascination with the whole thing of gambling, but you keep tempting yourself enough and you'll take the bait eventually. I remember a good friend of mine saying you go and sit in the barbershop everyday and sooner or later you'll get your haircut!! All i'm saying is if you keep logging onto casinos, you'll soon find yourself back on the slots. Hope all is good anyway mate. Look forward to your show tomorrow

Keith

Thanks for the posts 1000days, Carl and Keith, much appreciated. Good to see you are doing well yourself 1000days and same for you Carl, glad you popped in to have a read about what's going on for me. There is a lot of stuff but its becoming manageable and I know that is because I am not gambling. The mistakes I have made in the past, and I have done it so many bloody times, is to go and have a bet again round about now - when life is going well! It's almost like I want to reward myself for doing so well and feeling more positive. What poetic irony (isn't that the phrase?) that I would go reward myself with the very thing that destroys me and makes me negative in the first place. I realise that my exploits looking at the new slots last week were possibly the beginnings of this usual pattern once again.

Keith, thanks so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. Gambling plays such tricks on the mind that I couldn't even see what I was doing myself, but now I can. I am OK mate, really, and I won't be gambling. I will be much more aware next time of doing such a thing because as you say, I would at some point take the bait if I kept some kind of interest in it. I have been having thoughts about doing the lottery recently, particularly since the Scottish couple had their win but I realise that is the same thing as looking at the new slots. It all leads to a bad place and I simply can't allow myself to get involved with gambling at any level. Its a question of my own sanity and that is more important to me than anything else.

Thanks for listening in to my shows at Somer Valley mate, hope you are enjoying them, I really enjoy broadcasting them! Saturday mornings 11-12 (Saturday Songbook) for anyone else that would like to listen in and call in with a request maybe? You can look up Somer Valley FM on the net.

All is good then and I intend to have a positive week, one day at a time of course.

Just for today I will not gamble.

Simon.

Hi Simon

I'm quite new to the forum but unfortunately not new to gambling. I read you first post from back in January, the email, and I got to say your determination and drive that you showed to quit back then has really struck a chord with me. You were prepared to do whatever it took to beat it, even lose a friend if needs be, and that's exactly how I feel now. I know that I need to do whatever it takes to get through this and am prepared to do it.

I'm 36 myself now and so many things you said about how it affected your mind and life around you, relationships etc are so similar to my own battle with gambling. For 20yrs I was gambling on horses, greyhounds, roulette, wasting thousands upon thousands chasing money at first, then the "feeling". But I refuse to do it anymore. From now on I will be striding on with purpose, determined to do something constructive with my life.

Well done and continue to stay strong and focus. You can, and are, doing it. All the best.

Thanks for your support

Best wishes in your future recovery. All the best

Keith

Thanks for reading my diary and for your support. I hope you are alright. I've read through parts of your diary and it has inspired me. Today I will not gamble. You haven't been on here in a while. Keep posting! Sending heartfelt wishes for strength and peace in your life.

Hi folks, its been a long time since I have visited this forum but its GOOD NEWS all round I am happy to say.

The date of my last bet was 16 June this year and my determination to face this addiction head on not only brought me back to this site, but also back to Gamblers Anonymous meetings, which I hadn't attended for over 15 years. I have now found a new group and become a regular attendee. Every week, without fail (apart from a recent two week holiday in Turkey) I have been going to the meetings and gaining further strength along my road to recovery and my journey goes well.

I am fortunate that this particular group I attend is a very solid one with strong members and a wealth of abstinence between them, not to mention the serenity in the room and the immense strength I get week after week.

One of the main reasons I have not posted for a while is because I have been getting actively involved in the GA group more and more and as a result of my improving new lifestyle I am now a member of a singing group, volunteering at a radio station, training at a gym 4-5 times a week and spending time applying for paid work and attending interviews. In other words I am busy and not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself most days as I used to. I am breaking the old patterns of behaviour. This is a great leap forward for me and I am taking things further and feeling mentally and physically healthier each day. I am learning to let go of my anger (to a point) and am concentrating on literally, 'just getting well again' with positive results.

There's still a long way to go but it's a welcomed personal challenge because I feel ready now to face my responsibilities; to make amends to those I have hurt and to focus on rebuilding my life without the need for gambling, and I really don't miss it at all. I've had no desire to gamble since stopping and its a wonderful place to be in life. I can't explain it. Perhaps this is my time now and finally, the penny has dropped. I see it for what it is; it doesn't have any appeal now. I have moved on to more fulfilling, social and rewarding activities in life.

Gamcare has offered me a lot in terms of support from the forums and chat room, and of course the counselling sessions that were arranged for me early on. I will always be extremely grateful for that. It is my intention to keep updating my diary and keep posting but perhaps not as often as I used to since I now get my main support from my GA group. Having said that, I want to give back to Gamcare what it has given me. Perhaps my updates and posts will help others.

I am grateful to all those that have followed my diary and especially for the recent comments. Unfortunately I have only just read them now so apologies if you were waiting for a response.

Recovery (or support, call it what you will) comes in many ways and I hope that those who genuinely want to put a stop to the madness that is compulsive gambling find the support mechanism that works best for them. Gamcare members will be in my thoughts and prayers daily.

My best, as always,

Simon.

Wow! I can't believe how long ago my last post was in this forum. I am still attending Gamblers Anonymous meetings on a weekly, sometimes twice weekly basis. I remain strong in recovery and life without gambling is wonderful, and normal. I am 17 months now without a bet, the last date I gambled being 16 June 2011. I wish everyone a happy and healthy, gambling free 2013. You can do it if you really want it. God bless, Simon.