My Recovery Diary

Thanks S.A. and John for your comments. I love Only Fools and Horses! The world is my lobster you are right! OK, I will try and get out of the house. The cinema could be a good idea as I am in the mood for that. Maybe the gym too if its open and if I can get out of my driveaway. I'll update a little later in the day. Have a good day yourselves. Cheers.

Thats better mate. We all find ourselves feeling negative when something or someone we love goes out of our lives. My daughter has just been through a really bad split with her boyfriend and at first was so depressed we could not help in any other way than to be there for her. She then got angry about it and now just 2 months later she is calmer and thinking straighter about things. Still finds things hard but is getting there. Stopping gambling is like that when you have the mindset that most of us have. I think we fell in love with it but we all get angry because it takes us over. We then look to apportion blame before one day--hopefully soon-we realise that it was not something we should have loved in the first place and we try to move on. Unfortunately some of us--including me on many occasions--return to the'love' to let it harm us again. Others--hopefully including me this time--can just move on and regain their lives.

If you cannot get out to the gym how about shovelling the snow?

Stay strong

Stumper

Morning Si,

If you go to the cinema try "where the wild things are". It's got a hidden message about looking after what you've got. You may enjoy it.

Fight those urges Si....it's really painful but as they say...no pain no gain.

Keep posting....Jas x

Thanks for comments... never ended up going out to the cinema, didn't even get out of the front door. Think I am put off by the snow and the cold. I am also feeling sorry for myself a lot so I just can't get in the mood. I realise that going out probably would help alleviate these feelings but I just can't get in the mood. Anyway, going to put some dinner on and watch a movie, maybe rent one from Sky Box Office if anything good is on. If I go to the cinema anytime soon Jas I'll look out for that movie. You're right about no pain no gain but I hate going through it. I just feel completly useless. It will pass though and I will become stronger I know. Just got to get through these days. Don't feel like going to work though, don't really feel like doing anything to be honest. Not sure if anyone has heard of EUBPD (Emotionally Unstable Borderline Personality Disorder) but I have to live with that too and the symptoms make it even more difficult for me. One thing BPD sufferers do is constantly punish and beat themselves up mentally and sometimes physically so you can imagine my mind is having a field day with all these recent losses. Wonder if anyone else lives with it? I am on meds which do help but only a little. Anyway, will post again later. Thanks for people's comments and support, its helping me get by.

havent heard of eubpd mate sounds exactly what a person that gambles needs!! ( not )

Its a good job you are an EX gambler like me.

I must sound like a parrot but things are gonna get better mate. keep it up.john.

Not at all John, you are really kind as are other posters who all take the time to help me. Its really appreciated. I am watching TV at the moment. Very bored and still all the thoughts but fighting it and getting through. I hate to say this but I honestly don't know if I could ever cope again mentally if I went back to gambling. I am just not sure how many attempts at recovery I have got left in me. Anyway, one day at a time. All the best to you John.

Simon - that was some shocking read first thing on a sunday morning! But it is good for me and exactly the sort of thing i need to read to fight off these bloody urges.

I can only echo what others have said and just say good luck and keep reading and posting.

Day 5 for me today - It really is 1 day at a time don't look any further ahead than that.

Perhaps sometimes we are all guilty of feeling sorry for ourselves as gamblers who have lost a lot of money. I know I could never see much else in life but since stopping I think my personal outlook to both others and myself has changed. I do not know anything about the medical problem that you are being treated for but I myself suffered a nervous braekdown about 12 years ago and for a while I was stuck in a very dark tunnel with not even a flicker of light at the end of it. It took me months to come to the conclusion that there was actually nobody other than myself who was going to change me. Like stopping gambling it had to come from within. Did I want to get better? Of course I did I just did not know it at the time. Did gambling help--of course not but I could not see that either.

Take each day as it comes and hopefully you WILL get stronger and you will feel able to handle the situation you find yourself in. At forty I thought my life was done--at 52 I have never been happier and I am sure that stopping gambling has been a major contributor to my current state of mind.

Do not return to those dark days mate and keep reminding yourself that 'I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP'

Today is a good day and tomorrow will be better.

Stay strong

Stumper

hello mate dont supose this weather helps !! hope you are feeling positive today mate. chin up. john.

Today has been better. Not that any of the thoughts have gone, they haven't but I managed to get out of the house and went to the local community radio station Somer Valley FM for a meeting with the station manager to review my show, which I have been doing on Tuesdays 6-8 for a while now. Kept me busy for much of the day and I realised I could be putting more effort in than I usually do. Its now a 1 hour show from 7pm starting this Tuesday. If anyone listens in let me know and I can play some requests etc. Anyway, good to be occupied and put more energy into this from now on and see where it takes me.

I actually really like the idea of the recoevery pages here,. Although new I am already finding I want to post here at least 2-3 times a day and look forward to that. I get a different kind of buzz from gambling knowing that I can post I haven't gambled for a day, and I haven't today. So gratueful for all those who read and/or post. I enjoy reading yours. Thanks, Simon.

Just want to add that I have to make this work this time round. There's just been too many times, all failed attempts at stopping gambling. I can't cope anymore. I really can't. No matter what it takes, no matter how hard, no matter what thoughts and temptations, I must get through to the other side. I need to remind myself every day that gambling gives me nothing but heartache and pain. Not to mention loss of self respect, loss of friendships, family break ups and the list goes on. In recent days I have also had terrible neck pain, almost certainly down to the stress of it all. Seeing a chiropractor tomorrow and really looking forward to getting some manipulation done. Tomorrow is my new start to the year with regular visits to the gym, senisble eating, no drinking and of course no gambling. Hope its not too much to take on. I 'll try it and see how I go. I don't mind if I faulter on anything so long as its not the gambling because that is just so destructive you cannot imagine. Well of course you can imagine, sorry I forgot where I was for a moment. Keep strong all and thank you so much for sharing your strength with me. So far so good. Got no money and wondering how I am going to get by but I know I will. I'll have faith, whatever that faith is in! Just hope it works.

hi simon. just thought id add my thoughts. at the moment it feels like i am falling into a black hole. everything is going wrong and seems beyond my control. maybe it is, maybe it isn't. but gambling will not solve anything and will only inevitably make things worse. so even though we may have 99 problems, gambling will not be one of them. we have enough pressures and gambling will only add to them.

good luck

Hi 28black ... wish you didn't have that username because 35 and the neighbours was my regular bet at roulette, along with tier. Kind of brings the bad memories back! Anyway thanks for your post and your sentiments. I wish you all the very best to get through this low patch. You have given me further strength by saying that you too will not add to the pressures you already have. I think that's what I draw on here, the fact that I feel I am with a bunch of others all stopping too, even though I don't know any of them. Post again later and let me know how your day went. Take care.

hang in there mate your doin great. john.

Quick update just to say that I am still doing OK. Getting a little stronger each day and taking the advice from forum users and the counsellor. Grateful for each day without a bet, keeping myself occupied and constantly reminding myself of what is involved if I go back, which I have wanted to a few times, especially earlier today. Anyway, I have got through it. Putting effort into my work, for example I considered not going in today and having the day off because of the snow but I woke up at 6am and decided to push myself. Glad I did because I have had a constructive day with plenty of exercise (my work is outside) and obviously my mind has been kept busy. Also plan to go to the gym 2-3 times a week too. Meant to go tonight but just crashed out when I got home! Hope everyone else is doing well too. Will keep posting.... Cheers, Simon.