My recovery diary (JENILEE)

Morning Jenilee,

Just popping by your diary to thank you again for the support and concern you gave me yesterday. THANK YOU.

Also to say a very well done on resisting the urges last night. I hope the film was good.

I know how you feel about having lost interest in non gambling activities and am also trying to make an effort to motivate myself and make plans with friends I have neglected over the last couple of years.

I think it will be well worth our effort though as from reading others diary you can see that many of the folk who fill up their time and find other interests are more successful in quitting or cutting out unplanned gambling.

Hope you have a great day.

xxx

Plans Fri (not thurs now) with another friend...... On a roll

My uncle who was fighting cancer died Saturday, my dads' much younger bro. Very emotional weekend, and although I'd be sad anyway, it's heartbreaking to see how sad my dad is, it's so hard. My uncles last day of life we all were around his hospital bed, he was gasping for breAth even with oxygen on, we were all telling him it's ok to go, it was heart wrenching. My dads first cousin also died the same nite. The next day (yesterday ) was my birthday. But it didn't even feel like it cuz my heart is sad. Waiting for life to return to normal. Two funerals this coming week . Much sadness.

I did not gamble today despite all the sadness and problems.

Well had my allowed gambling this weekend. For those that are just reading this post read through my whole diary to understand my approach about us. It just was fun for a couple of hours but nothing too exciting. I'm still dealing with many emotions from my uncles passing. I feel so sad for my dad and wish there was more I could do to help. Did I mention my dad also lost his first cousin the same night that my uncle died. He died on the same floor in the same hospital. Dad is very tough and strong though he will make it through eventually. We still have the funerals this coming Thursday & Saturday. Just sad.

Also, fiancГ© and I have to go an extra long time without seeing each other due to the repairs on his truck taking longer than planned , he has no vehicle to drive home. Great now we can't afford a plane ticket & fix his truck both. So we have to wait till truck is fixed. I'm hoping he will home be home by the first couple weeks of April. Miss him so much. I will try to remain vigilant and avoid extra gambling. It can be easy to get sucked in by urges to just do things the way I used to an all days with just a follow every urge and every emotion lead to gambling. I just remind myself I am not that person anymore and that I need to fill the rest of my time with other things besides gambling. I do need to get making some plans with friends, I did see friends on my birthday which was last Sunday it was the day after my uncle died, and I was but seeing my friends helps. I just am not in the mood to see friends right now I'm still so sad about my uncle. Maybe after the funeral Saturday I'll make some plans for the that coming week. Cheers to everyone staying in control with whatever their gambling goals are!

No gambling yesterday. Spent time with family instead ...

Working my 14 hour shift today so no gambling today either.

Hi Jen,

Well done on staying strong yesterday. Hope work is not too stressful today.
So sorry to hear about your loss. ..Thoughts are with you. Look after yourself

Sandra

Thank u Sandra. Hopefully things will get better soon

Hi Jen,

How are things going over the pond?
Hope you are feeling calm and content in yourself and your journey. Give us a shout to let us know how you are ☺

Take care

Sandra x

Hi Jenilee

I thought was about time i said hello and posted on your diary as i have read all of your diary since i joined with much interest and come back regularly to check any updates. I can appreciate alot of what you are going through with job, other half and other areas you talk about, unfortunately for me abstaining is the only way as i know i cannot control it but i have huge admiration on what you are trying to do and really hope it works for you.

Good luck

Bex x

Hello jenilee

Just wanted to pop my head in and say thanks for all your encouragement/posts on my diary it means a lot so thankyou...

I've started reading again a lot of peoples struggles with this addiction, yours included...Many of them mirror my own battle..Often i'm so mesed up with it all that i feel who am i to say anything, so i'll just read and not reply...

Anyway i just wanted you to know that lots of people are reading and willing you on ...

Takecare

Hi guys, I logged back in and have three posts of encouragement, which means the world to me and brings tears to my eyes. Well as I'm sure all of you who have more experience may have guessed, and by the fact that I've not posted, I have some major things going on in my life.

Over the last few weeks my uncle who was fighting lung cancer begin to decline and then he passed and then we had a funeral, after which my dad stayed with me for a week as he was not taking the death of his youngest brother very well. He has gone back home now , however I cannot seem to get it back together since that time.

I gambled last night on my appointed night but did not stick to plan at all. It was like I was a crazy person venting my emotions through gambling, I've also done that through drinking since my uncle died so it's not just gambling. I'm a bit out of control. And drinking hasn't been a problem for me for years and years. !?!

It's not the actual drinking or gambling that's a problem. I've also been eating binging and eating large amounts. It's like I'm trying to fill out the sadness inside.??

I think I may have made a common mistake through all the upset of my life, I stopped reading and posting on here as much so the first thing I have vowed to do this morning even though I feel like c**P about myself and about things that have happened, is to begin reading and posting just about daily like I was before because it helped a lot.

That's all for now I'm trying to get up and figure out what else bills need to be paid get some household stuff done today that I've gotten way behind on since today is my day off. I will post more later or tomorrow.

please be gentle with your responses LOL I'm feeling a bit emotionally Bruised right now.

Hey Jen,

Thanks for dropping by and would like to offer my support for you. Don't be scared to put your feelings down on these pages, nobody will judge you or hurt you. If they try they have to deal with me first! LOL kidding of course fellow sodiers. You sound very fragile and vulnerable in your post... the events given it's not surprising at all and it's ok to feel the way you do, don't beat yourself up over it. All what was going on around you in the past few weeks weakened your resolve and made you exposed to the addictions. This is expeced my friend.

I do hope your dad is feeling better, it is very tough to deal with something he is dealing with and of course yourself..being kind to yourself has to be prioritised my friend. There are things we cannot change I'm afraid, but such is life. It hurts at the times, but we need to keep searching for healthier coping mechanisms to see us through the tough times...

your drinking and gambling got out of control as you say. God, those words gives me hope dear soldier, you have admitted to something so important to your journey ahead. I suppose you have your allocated session for this week or next one, but maybe you woulk like to take a little break from it since you are bruised and hurt. Of course it's down to you, but I think it would do you world of good. Just to find the inner peace while you are going through this tough time.

Be kind to you, look after yourself and stay safe.

something cute just for you and hopefully will raise a little peaceful smile 😉

https://youtu.be/MxwH9RbQzJ0

Sandra x

Ps. Keep talking and venting

Hi Jen,

Sorry to read you having been going through a very bad patch, it's not surprising the disillusion of addictions has been knocking.

As Sandra said don't be hard on yourself, and look after you now.

Take care and stay safe.

Suzanne xxx

,

Sandra thank you your words of support mean a lot to me. I am just kind of in recovery mode today spending some time by myself at home. Depressed and not very motivated but have things I need to do. So I'm playing a little trick on myself I am slowly making myself do one baby step at a time in between episodes of just vegging out in front of the TV. But at least I'm doing something as I feel like just vegging out front of the TV and not doing anything. And then as I get each little baby stop accomplish I write it down so my list of things is growing. A little mental trick and then the more you do the more you feel like doing. I use it sometimes when I'm unmotivated instead of writing out what I need to do I write down what I am getting done. It might start small like "making a fire in making the coffee, and then starting a sink full of soapy water and getting the dishes and to soak in preparation for doing them, and sorting the laundry even if I don't do it yet." Sound dumb? The other thing I'm feeling bad about is my significant other and I only get to talk in the evening's. Yesterday when I was at the casino having a gambling binge I missed his calls and then he sent me an angry text at the end of the night I texted him back and tried to call him back but he didn't really respond much, he did not answer the call and he just texted back "whatever I'm going to bed". So we are probably in a fight? and it is probably because I prioritized gambling over him. I feel so bad that I hurt him it was so loud in the casino I didn't hear the phone and I didn't think to stop at the casino to look for his call or call him. I sent another text apologizing this morning and letting him know that I was wrong and I'm sorry I hurt him. I will see when we talk later tonight how mad he is if he is over it or if it's going to be a big fight. I hope not. I don't feel like I can deal with that even though it's my fault. I feel sad that I made him angry at me, and I just wish I could do anything to make him not angry at me. I probably just need to give him time and do better in the future? You think?

I feel sad and disappointed in myself today, and unmotivated and wanting to just hide from the world and do nothing, although I have so much to do. Although it's my day off, I've been very lazy with personal to-do things and I only have a day and a half off to get them all done so I really can't just not do anything.

Your words DO help some; lets keep posting and supporting each other.? I think we both need it.