My recovery diary (JENILEE)

I have urges to call my boyfriend and try to talk it all out but he is at work and this would annoy him and I really need to get better at just giving him space letting him come to me and most of all catching him when it's a good time for him to talk. So I just have to wait till tonight later and see how it goes. It is hard for me I've always been on in a relationship who wants to just keep calling and texting him especially if were having a problem and that is one of the things that annoys him so I know that I cannot do that and should not do that but it's hard. I just am wondering how mad at me he is.

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Hi Jenilee,

Iam sorry to hear that you are feeling down, although it is expected given everything you are going through. Try not to be too hard on yourself as we all have blips and the most important thing is picking ourselves back up. It is exceptionally tough having a long distance relationship, I know that as my OH lives on the other side of the world and probably won't see him now for 6 months. It drives me mad sometimes and wish i could just leave to be with him but due to financial reasons that cannot happen for a while. I'm sure he will calm down and be less angry with you but despite the urge to text or call i would try to resist as much as possible to avoid making the situation more inflamed. soon enough you will be talking to him and things will get back to normal.

I also have days where I have no motivation at all and could just sit there and do nothing so i think the list idea is great and may even try it myself. Sending my support to you during this tough time.

Take care

Bex x

Thank u bex!

It helps to talk to others who understand , especially about my relationship (long distance). I am on the way out the door will post more later.

I will be checking later to see how you're getting on. The fact you're going out is a positive and should do you good to get out, even just for a short while. I do understand very well and unfortunately it does make the whole situation even worse at time, especially when feeling abit lonely but hopefully we will both be with our loved ones in the near future.

Bex x

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Hi jenilee

Just popped in to see how you are? Hope you're feeling a bit better. X

Hi guys. I guess I've been incommunicado for a while. I had another death in my family my aunt my moms sister now.( The uncle that died A few weeks ago was dad's brother. )And I have been gambling at times but this is part of my lifestyle if you read my prior posts/diary. However yesterday I really didn't plan to gambled and I gambled, and I was totally sucked into the emotional side of trying to lose myself in the machines, not wanting to think about my aunt stuff and the sad things of happened lately. Think I may be a little depressed.

I don't want to go on depression medication I tried that last year and had a lot of side effects. I've been on two different depression medications in my life and had bad side effects with both. But somehow I probably still need to address the underlying depression. Lifestyle changes can be helpful such as making plans with friends , exercising. Etc

I'll start by making plans with friends I did some plans with friends last week and they were enjoyable but I don't have any lined up in the forseeable future and I did not have any this weekend. That is probably part of the problem this weekend I had no plans & nothing to do.

I can't exercise right now because I have a condition called planter fasciitis in my foot which is very painful and the more that you use your foot the worse it gets however I just recently got specialty insoles for my shoes that a friend recommended and I'm very hopeful they may actually cure it over time , as they did for him( and he had his condition for over a year just like Me).

If I can get this cured, and I've tried everything over the past year, (I'm putting a lot of hopes into these insoles,)I could exercise again especially now that we're going into summer my favorite season.!! Pray these insoles work!

Just a few rambling thoughts and getting back onto the forum...My one goal in regards to gambling since I think it's time I set mini goals again....to start reading and posting on here at least several times a week again.

Jen

Hi,

This is my first day on the forums and I to get very bored quite easily and quickly. I've got a few things in plae to help but there will be days when I will get bored.. I can not just sit still or quite ironic really I'll sit still for hours gambling.. Ive read through most of this post and I hope you find happiness sooner. You been through enough and dont be to hard on yourself to. It's only my first morning on here and coming here is helping already.. I feel like it's helping my urge.. I'd rather sit here and chat away then be in a place I was.

mark x

Thank you for your reply and I hope that both of us find courage by posting on here. Today was my aunts funeral. So now it is time to move on with the healing from the recent death of my uncle and my aunt. And continuing to deal with my own addiction issues and at times depression issues. One thing to look forward to, my fiancГ© will be home for a visit into weeks. I time he is here we will not have seen each other into months by the time he arrives. Which is a little longer than we usually let it go. But due to circumstance we had to. So I think it will be a good visit. And I'm super excited to see him. Then he will have to go back to his work in another state but I know that we will enjoy the week we have together. So I'm back to posting in reading on here, I probably won't read much tonight, as it's been a long day with the funeral and everything,.

Hi Jen,

Sorry to hear about the tough times around you recently. My thoughts are with you.
Keep being kind to you and look after yourself. It comes from within, balance is important, many peaceful and calm days are in front of you...keep moving forward.
Your man to be will surely lift your spirits up on his visit.

Take care and stay safe as much as you can

Sandra

Thanks to the replies all. And yes Sandra, it is been some tough times recently. Seems like one tough times come in our lives, they come in groups I guess the old saying when it rains it pours. So hopefully things will calm down now. I talk to my man on the phone he has been sick again he is had some recurrent illness that he got from other people out there. I just hope he feels better soon and that he's able to come for visit in two weeks to re-connect and spend some lovely time together the few days he is home. The good news is after he comes this time, we had to wait two months for this visit, but the next visit after this will only be one month. For his daughters graduation. So it won't be such a long wait again. I tried to focus on the positive /look on the bright side despite the recent tragedies in my family and personal hardships. If there is a silver lining to a passing in a family, it is that the family gets to spend more time together and see each other more the extended family. Have had some good times with my cousins in recent weeks and have enjoyed seeing some cousins I normally don't get to see because they live far away. No thoughts of gambling today was too busy getting back to work after time off for the funeral. Tomorrow will be another long busy day no time to gamble if I do anything after work it will be to visit with a few cousins who have not returned home yet after the funeral. Family time is so much more important than gambling.

Let's see, update for today. My honey is still sick so not much conversation last few days as he's doing a lot of sleeping. But I know he'll be home the week after next so it is getting closer and I will see him soon. Life is getting slightly back to normal as I'm back to work after my aunts funeral. Trying to get caught up from the time that I missed. And get my work caught up. Very tired tonight as did 2 14-hour shifts in a row trying to get caught up. Have a brief thought of gambling tonight because I know there is some free play on my account but it just sounded like too much trouble to drive to the casino and I just didn't feel like it. So that's a victory. I'd rather wait till my allowed time(this weekend. )

on a side note, As people know, any addiction recovery it's always hard to face challenges head-on but I've done a couple of those this week too...facing old bills and forcing myself to pay them even though I would rather have kept the money for more security more money in the bank or even four more fun like gambling LOL but I didn't. Sometimes it seems like there's always another bill and another and another but there's also satisfaction in being able to pay them because of limiting the gambling.

That's all for tonight I'm very tired.

Well did some gambling yesterday and I gambled in a mindless way where I zoned out I didn't even try to focus on keeping tabs on what I was spending or enjoying the experience. I was in a bad mood yesterday, so in retrospect it probably wasn't a good day to have gambled I'm trying to be conscious that day such as that when I'm in a bad mood are not good days to gamble. Part of my quest to become more self-aware. That's all for tonight it's late I don't want to talk long other than to say tonight was a better night I spent time with a girlfriend which I had made a point to make plans with her for tonight and I need to keep with that making plans once or twice a week with friends it's healthier and makes me happier and less prone to just gamble my time away and my money.

Hi Jen,

Just now read your post..sorry to hear you were struggling with your emotions and do hope you are feeling a lot better now and back on track. Wondering if you finally been reunited with your boyfriend or shall i say husband to be :-)..things must b looking up for sure!

Hope all is well with yourself, be kind to you and stay safe as much as you can

Sandra x

Hi Jenilee

Its been a full 2 months since your last post.

Is everything ok?

Mark