My recovery diary (JENILEE)

Hi Jenilee,

Thanks for your post, we certainly are all different on how we deal and cope with this addiction.

Am sorry to read that your gambling went over your limit/trial, but you do realise now, that we can't keep to our limits so that is positive for you to carry on moving forwards.

It can't be helping you either with your fiancГ©, living working so far away, it gives you so much time on your own, believe me relationships are not smooth sailing at the best of times but with gambling and distance in the mix, you must find it hard, I would.

You haven't gambled for a week, (ok no funds) but why not stick your oar out so to speak and not gamble for another week, I know you said Pay Day is here very shortly, but another method/trial can only be good for you, and therefore for your relationship.

As CGs sooner or later we cannot stick/ keep to our limit, simply because we cannot stop, win or lose it doesn't matter in the end.

and when we get to that stage, we are gambling with more than money, we are gambling with everything in our lives.

Won't hurt to give it a go, another week without gambling, taking one day at a time, won't seem so daunting and scary,

I have come to realise that gambling was not the problem, it's the addiction that is, and as long as you keep doing what you call safe gambling(there is no such word for CGs Hun) you are continuing to feed your addiction, and it will escalate, this addiction is not like drinking or drugs or smoking,

Take care and keep safe, your self loathing and everything else is because maybe you already know this, and it's tough to handle.

But it is the only way to go forwards abstaining and maintaining to a healthier and happier life.

Suzanne xxx

Your words definitely sound like wisdom Suzanne and all I can promise I'll give it some serious thought OK? I'll try to think about not gambling anymore at all. And wrap my mind around it. However I clutch that if I do go gambling or slipup or choose not to follow this path I will be honest and still post because posting in reading has led to some of the best stretches of not gambling that I've had so far. And learning more about myself. When I stop posting is when I got worse

Screwed up already tonight and gambled had a fight with significant other felt like the little bit of progress last couple days with undone he hung up on me and wouldn't answer my calls I was very distressed. I need to focus on the big thick picture which is that we are engaged or just arguing right now but I panicked and I gambled actually came out slightly ahead maybe $40-$50 but that isn't the point.

Jenilee,

Gambling is not the answer to any problems, it makes them worse, I don't think you enjoy it anymore, it's time to think of YOU now,

Do you really want to keep self destructing, or do you want to 100% commit to your recovery,

Your life really will only get worse if you stay on this course.

Only you can do this and it will only happen when you want recovery more than anything else, it is solely your choice.

If you abstain and maintain, everything else will fall into place,

Nothing changes if nothing changes

Take care

Suzanne xxx

I get what you're saying Suzanne right now I don't know it's like a demon force overtakes me I just can't seem to stop I do good for a day or two and then I find myself gambling last night I gambled and lost $500!!In despair over this don't know why it's taken such back hold of me again when I was doing better for a while

Hi Jen,

Sorry this addiction has a strong hold on you at this time, have you spoken to any professional people, maybe you now need some help, because when in the grip of it is very hard to let go.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

, I'm not from the UK so loud the numbers that people keep suggesting such as Samaritans are not available me there is a crisis hotline call when I'm feeling a lot of distress that a couple times. I didn't gamble yesterday though despite two times I almost when I made it through the whole day off without gambling. I can't promise I'll never gamble again but even if I do that's one less day of money I spent gambling; I resisted .

So proud of myself. Unfortunately things are up-and-down with my honey and I'm really getting distressed by the long periods of fighting and just not communicating well. But last night I drove 30 miles on way to casino was nearly there like a mile away decide just got some food and drive home and go to bed. That is a huge accomplishment since I drove all the way there I did not gamble again the second day in a row when I had urges and especially after a fight with my honey which is really distressing me. Instead I called the crisis counseling line here in the US and talk to someone about the problems with my honey. Still don't know the answer to solving them but gamble not it!

Well done Jen, you can do this, lol, and you should be proud of yourself

Suzanne xxx

Thank you Suzanne I am I've been very emotionally distressed with the problems with my honey and I think we're just on a different page of how to get over the fighting everything I try makes it worse and that's a very frustrating place I feel desperately in love and sad that were fighting so I was definitely a rest to gamble can't believe I drove all that far LOL and grow back but better than driving that far and gambling

Well today screwed up and did all the undid all the good I did buy resisting two times was on my way back from a visit to my dad and spending the night at his house he lives about an hour away and there's a casino on the way back stopped and blue money blue around 100 but had it up till like 300 total including my original hundred and spent it all back. Feel like an idiot. Trying to tell myself it's still me is important that two times I resisted , at least I didn't go gambling all three of those times only one of them in the resisting is still good. But I feel like an idiot. Things continue to suck with my honey. Miserable.

The important thing is that you are back straight on here. Draw a line under it, tomorrow is a brand new day and a fresh start. You can do this, look in the mirror and say today I will not gamble. Take each day one at a time and be kind to yourself. Next time you go near the casino, go in and self exclude, or write to them. Take this pressure off yourself then you can go to your dads in peace. Be strong and safe x

I appreciate all the support for today at least I am Gamble free. at home turning on the telly to resist the urges been a long workday and my body needs the rest at home more than the drive to a casino which is a 40 minute drive one way yet the urges want me to go but I'm going to listen to my body and stay home

I continue keep up the pattern; do well for few days then blow it all gambling. Have self excluded they still let u in; am thinking of blocking my debit card so it won't work at casino ATM s as the ATM at casinos around here all use company called gca; they have a way of blocking your debit card so it doesn't work at their ATMs I'm gonna do tomorrow from computer at work

Hi,

Breaking the triangle will stop,you from playing, if you really want to stop now, it will make it impossible for you to gamble.

It's not easy to do that but it is worth it, because then you will be able to concentrate and put your recovery first, and then stuff will fall into place.

Take care

Suzanne xxx