My recovery diary (JENILEE)

Hi Sandra, thanks again for the reply. I also found your recovery diary & posted. I quoted some of the words of yours that really hit home, that we are all in the same boat even if we approach it differently LOL

I'm continuing to try to resist recent urges which are coming my way to gamble (make extra small gambling trips) . As I go less and less often (usually once a week now, that's it!) , the urges are not as strong in between times. I can resist them now usually so I think decreased frequencY = decreasing urges? I wonder if I'll make it through the weekend and skip my normal appointed gambling day since I've told myself to wait till Monday because I'll be right staying by the casino staying the night there to fly out of the airport the next morning which is right by the casino I know I will gamble on Monday so I feel I should skip my allotted weekend gambling.

Hi Jen,

Thanks for dropping by and yea, you have chosen the most depressing quote of mine lol..bless ya, i hope it didn't affect you the wrong way. There is a message in between the lines but i guess with my bonkers thinking only me sees it lol (look at me being big headed 😀 )

Ok, so you want to help each other. Good...yea, i agree. I gotta be honest my dear fighter, i am putting my toes in dangerous waters here. Just for myself cause i know that talking about your limitations will trigger my own evil inside. But, as you see i already recognise it which is good. Ultimately it is my own choice and if ya say i went to casino last night but controlled my spending, this is acceptable for me cause you have different goal in mind 🙂 ......still, i am gonna stay by your side all the way, why? Maybe cause i see in you more than you give away. I sort of believe that at this point in your recovery, you started a little fight in yourself about how close you want to let this addiction in.

i must sound like a counsellor lol..that's not the case. As from now on, we can work on the triggers of what affects you one way or the other. Emotional side of you. Logical side has to walk in front of you, you like it or not . I think this is the most important part in our beings.
Crossing the line on this addiction is easy, i am sure you are fully aware of that. What about making a little deal.. let's say you try to control your spending, which is ok, but if you fail to do so on more than one occasion, i would like you to take a step back and consider full abstinence. How about that? There is no wrong or right here. I just don't want to see you drowning in deep waters. You've got to keep your head above the water.

Now, your mum. I read about the trips you share. What is she thinking about this addiction? Just in a middle or finding it tough to control spending too? I only ask that to understand what part she plays in your recovery. You say you find it easier going in with her...easier to resist the temptation to stay there for longer than you planned or spend more than you have intended. When two minds thinks alike it makes job harder sometimes (to stay in control)..

At the end of the day no pressure in talking ok. Being honest on here is the key, so far i see you as very honest person. Makes it a lot easier to communicate 🙂
I am not here to judge you or tell you what to do. But hope you will put more work into it yourself to understand yourself better and make decisions for your wellbeing. This is not easy road, slippery indeed but as long as we know what we want out of our recoveries, this is a step forward.

Ok..that's me this afternoon 🙂
Hope today is your chosen day to stay safe and in control without a single cent spend. Knowing that would make my day 😀 no pressure of course!! LOL

Later

Sandra xx

Ps...skip Monday till next month!!!!! Ha...sorry..just kidding 🙂
Keep fighting, it is worth it. Going in less and less is defo music to theses ears 🙂

Here alongside you!
If only just for today we are joining the same battle with ultimate goal of not spending a penny/cent of our cash (or bonus coupons whatever they're called:-) ).

Keep posting!

S x

Me too, walking the same path on the other side of the street where there are less distractions & therefore less chance of running into my arch enemy Mr Gamble. Your challenge now in your recovery is to push through this weekend come what may because you really need to stick to your plan here! Hell, I wouldn't be concerning yourself about eating take-aways...It may be hard to lose weight if you scoff too much but it's impossible to win if you choose the other option!

Keep strong - ODAAT

Wow. Only a quick post right now. Right now I feel like some of the most recent posts are definitely pushing me harder towards wanting me to choose abstinence. But I would challenge you to say, I have said all along I admit I may come to the realize Abstinence what I need eventually if I try and fail you know a few times. However I am the kind of person that needs to make up my own mind and doesn't do well with too much pressure; more with mentoring and helping me think things through. If I feel too strongly like I am pushed to make a decision, or take on someone's point of view, I just decide to exit the confrontation altogether. I am not to speaking of addiction, this is not a gambling defense mechanism. This is my personality my whole life. This is how I handle my whole life from negotiations over a new cell phone contract to any discussion. I will not engage with someone who does not listen to me and allow me time to decide what I think. The person needs to be willing to listen to me as well and I'm willing to discuss it but not to be pressured. If that makes sense. By the way, I was not saying that those of you a poster were not willing to listen to me or anything like that, the pros just seemed really pressuring to take on one point of view which is the abstinence point of view. And I believe that's because you all believe in your heart it will be the only good result for me. But I am not convinced yet. I was just trying to describe my basic personality and the best ways to engage with me and me to engage with others. Because you guys don't really know me yet; But I'm hoping I can stay on the forum and be welcome despite my differences, engage in discussions. Without too much pressure being put on me to quickly to come to the abstinence team. LOL and thinks everyone each and everyone of you so far for your reply

Ouch girl! That really hurt here 🙁 not sure if you keep my comments in mind here (i suppose so tho). ..but there was no intention to push you. Do you have a sense of humour?
Ok..you go and visit your "local" whatever you feel like it. All i meant was we all have our own paths and if (IF) you feel like you cannot control your gambling and keep failing, you should consider the other way.
Nobody is pushing you to full abstinence, certainly didn't mean that ..but now think i might of come across as " pushy". Sorry, my bad.
Here alongside you whatever recovery path you choose....

d**n girl...sorry, just share your recovery and keep posting ok. If ya want my support, you know where to find me.

Over and out

S x

And I didn't mean to sound hurtful. I just felt pushed. Please accept my sincerest apology. Deep down, we all have our similarities. Maybe we could focus on those. Even with our slightly different goals, there are still similarities ; none of us wants gambling to totally control us and make our decisions.not even me!

Im sorry

You two are funny.....

Jenilee i am the same if a point of view if pushed too hard ....it can seem bias in a business sense and make you think, hold on i want to end this communication, as my mind is thinking the opposite to what i'm hearing as the advice was not subtle enough lol

However here we have your best interests at heart................doesn't mean we are right 100%..........but we know ourselves that we must abstain completely from the gambling and therfore see the trouble that very likely lays ahead for someone who does not take this path.

Hopefully though you can prove us wrong .... in your case.....and make us happy for you by doing so.

As always i wish you luck...

Keep on posting....

and as long as your honest...........there is no need for any apoligies anywhere from anyone really x

And all that talk of take aways has caused me an urge for Chinese lol

Hi Jen, despite agreeing with most of Wayne's post, I am going to echo Sandra & apologise here too for making you feel pressured! It was never my intention! Thank you for your honesty & thank you for your bravery in not abandoning us!

Hopefully you can move past this now & still make use of the support that we have for you. You are doing great - ODAAT

I would love it if we could move forward and I still feel sorry if I upset Sandra. I'm sorry.

Hey there Jen,

Listen, no hard feelings ok. Well, i have hard feelings but these are towards myself so don't worry. I do fail to express myself quite often but this is my issue and not anyone's else.

No need for apologies girl, you are right we have similarities in this journey and being honest is really good asset. We are all fighting against this habit, let it be giving it all, or trying to control it. It is still a battle individually.

You are number one person in recovery and you need to take healthy choices for you. ..which you are doing and im happy for you.
Try to fight those urges (if you have any) this weekend and take it from there. A little fight will be won, sense of achievement is definitely good emotion to have.

Stay safe and look after yourself.
And keep posting! Honesty is the best policy 🙂

Not hard feelings so just keep moving forward ok.

take care

Sandra xx

Okay : )

you said it , S !

Happy to move forward in support of each other : )

I do plan to resist urges through the weekend until my allotted time to go Monday but my allotted goal for Monday is to play only the weekly free play and no real money.( I understand free play is a ploy by them, but while I still have it , until they realize I'm not spending much and they take it away , why not plan their money only, since I'm planning on gambling that night anyway? have certainly given them enough of mine LOL ) would like to repeat what I did last time gambling/ play the free play and any single son I take off of it take home even if it only adds up to five dollars. Or whatever

Hi Jen,

Ok..sounds like a plan for Monday then.
Be vigilant and stay safe over the weekend. Not sure how strong urges you get, but resisting them is half battle won.
As you say, you play free play and no real money so as long as you don't cross that line (which is what you're aiming for) i guess your goal of controlling it will be reached.
Just think why you're in that airport. Some lovely and exciting time ahead to be reunited with your other half. Hope you will have a lovely time while visiting.

take care and stay safe

Sandra x

I can't wait for my visit with my other half. It is been since the day following Christmas I guess Canadians call it boxing day? Since I have seen him . 6 weeks which is about how long we go sometimes between seeing each other. We love each other and we've both been talking in the phone how we are looking forward to this time. I found out wonderful news yesterday a person didn't mean to drop a hint but they did. I'm not sure what it means but I think I have an idea. about my significant other in me but I don't want to say too much let's just say I know for a fact, despite all the rough past year we've been through, he feels I am the one he wants to be with forever and he is at least seriously thinking about ask me to marry him I don't know any details or when. The person didn't mean to let too many details slip but I kind of figured it out. I don't want to get expectations about when it will be I don't want to be waiting or be disappointed if it's not on the this certain day or that . Just the fact that he was talking to a family member of mine about it and he feels that strongly and that he wants to, and that his feelings for me are that wonderful, was a lovely surprise to me. Not going to set any expectations in my mind of when it will be or how far along he is in carrying it out, and it would've been nice if I hadn't known ahead of time but there is something nice about knowing, which is the internal buzz and joy of knowing that his love for me is that strong. Even after the ups and downs of the past year.

Well I'm into Saturday morning and I'm doing good with not having any gambling urges to go this weekend before Monday. Tonight and tomorrow will be more of a test that was I'll have more free time on my hands. Last night I plans to have dinner with a friend as I've explained I'm trying to do more things with friends that don't involve gambling and make a well rounded life again. Today I'm going to get my hair done this morning and then I work until around four or five. So I've been too busy to think about it and right now I'm content to wait till Monday's plan. But as I said tonight and tomorrow will be different; if are urges, I expect they will be then. So hopefully I can resist him and stick to the plan because it wouldn't be learning to control if I didn't, now would it? Also I really should spend the time tonight and tomorrow packing. And I wanted to whiten my teeth, not something you can do sitting in public with the whitening tray on at Cetera. lol. And do some primping before I see my honey. Wish me luck and everyone have a safe weekend and stick to your goals, whatever those may be. Love Jenny Lee