My Secret Diary

Stay honest to yourself and this site and we will all support you in your recovery. Say how you feel, express your urges , temptations, anger etc. If it means another day without gambling then it will be worth it. Stepping stones to recovery. No one will judge you on here. We will only admire you for laying your addiction out on the table for us all to see. The advice and support on here is amazing. Truly great people visit this site on a daily basis. Be one of those great people. Good luck with your recovery.

G

Hiya Paige

Just had a read of ur diary , a massive well done on the 1st week sometimes and most often the hardest so give urself a bit of praise for that , when gambling we lose all our self belief and and confidence and can find it hard to forgive ourselves for what we av done so be kind to urself , admitting the problem is the hardest and bravest thing u probably will do again that takes great courage and again thats something to be proud about

You speak of how before u would forget the pain of ur loss and go back to gambling some people say the vicious circle and thats what u need to break and again u av took the 1st steps to doin this

Been gamble free for a week will give ur brain a chance to see clearer as b4 it knew nothing else but gambling , now it will allow u to av different choices and think differently and the longer u abstain the more clearer u will see

Look at the reasons why u gamble for me it was a combination of boredom and not dealing with problems in my life hiding away from them and just gambling to block it out , counselling is an option and really helped me but doesn't suit everyone , take it one day at a time and enjoy that day again be proud when u get through that day as u know already it will give u so much strength to get through the next one

Ultimately it really is all about choices and makin the right ones and only u can make them , makin the right ones will lead u to that life ur lookin for debt free and even savings , if u make the wrong ones stay strong and get back on track as quick as possible , dont fear relapse the learnings from it will stand u in good stead and u will be so much stronger , of course the best way is to stay gamble free and with the support of everyone and ur own determination u av every opportunity to do so

. Really wish u all the best in ur recovery u av made a fantastic start so again well done and keep it goin

Castle2

Thank you Blondie, G and Castle for your posts. I'll reply properly in your diaries when I get a minute.

Didn't post on here yesterday but it was a cake crisis rather than a gambling crisis that kept me away. I got caught out by a substitution in my grocery order. My children's chocolate birthday cake was substituted for an adult's vanilla anniversary cake. I mean, what is the point in that?!?

I'll confess I thought about gambling, I often do when I feel let down. The pro gambling voice in my head told me it would be a few hours escapism and if I won I would be able to buy the best cake ever. I didn't, I pulled my self together, traipsed out in the snow, found a fantastic cake for my boy and got back just in time for the party.

Another day gamble free. Now off to tidy up the remains of the sleepover - joy! At least it will keep me occupied and away from the slots.

Having made the conscious decision to pay all my bills and let my bank account go overdrawn, I saw the balance today and still feel sick to my stomach. While I have accepted I cannot win back my losses and I will have to gradually eek my way back into the black, I finding it hard to deal with the shame. Part of me wants to come clean and ask my other half to forgive me. We could fix the account from our savings and I could move on. He is very anti gambling though and I'm not sure he would forgive me. If I am honest, part of the problem when I originally started gambling was a desire to rebel against his rules. I now know how right he was to never bet. I'm also not sure that having my financies in order would help my recovery. It is hard enough knowing I have available credit. Having my own money in my account might be more than I could resist. I don't know what would be for the best. Forgive my rambling this evening. What I do know for sure is I did not gamble yesterday and I did not gamble today and that is a good place to start.

Very close now to two weeks gamble free with only a couple of wobbly moments. Next milestone for me will be payday at the end of the week. My account will look temporarily healthy until my bills come out and I expect I'll have an urge or two. Not yet able to shut off the voice that says a win would solve everything. At least, I have managed to ignore it the last week or so. I like winning; need to change my mind set to recognise the only way of winning against the casino is not handing over any money in the first place.

Yesterday was gamble free; today will be.

HI Paige,

Each day gamble free YOU WIN, you give yourself a 100% pay rise and you win back some more self respect, some confidence, some pride.

Keep winning paige, there is no shortcut out of this , I really have to practice paitience some days in my recovery but it has served me well 8 months gamble free and the financial disaster is turning around a day at a time.

Keep going stay focused on what you are trying to achieve.

Take care

Blondie x

Hi Paige

You only need to know this fact for today. When you gamble and win the buzz only really lasts a few minutes. When you lose the guilt, lies, deceit and shame can last for days. Not really a fair deal is it. I came to this reality check very early in my recovery. It has really helped me abstain from my gambling and helped me with the occasional wobble. I have had enough of feeling like s**t for days and days when I lose but only feeling a slight tinge of happiness when I win. There is no balance to it. I quit. Gambling beat me and I have no problem in accepting that. 20 years of being a slave to gambling. Extortionate amounts of money wasted in search of a buzz that never really came. What a tragic waste.

Thankfully I have seen the light and am enjoying my recovery. I put as much effort into not gambling that I did as a gambler but I come out the winner this way. It's the only way.

Get through payday and you'll feel great. My first was the same. I had the money there for about a day before the loans and direct debits were paid then gone but I felt great that I didn't gamble.

Don't be too hard on yourself. 2 weeks is good progress. No medals to be given out yet but you're here posting regularly and saying how you feel which is great. It shows you're strength to beat this.

In time you may tell your other half. Maybe you won't. You've read my situation with not telling my wife. If you need support then please come on my thread and let it out. I understand the difficulty you have in not telling your partner. Give it time and you may just have a moment of clarity and decide to tell him. Only you can decide that one. Have a great week Paige. Well done on the 2 week mark. Onwards!!!

G

Stupidly busy at work but still here and still gamble free. Over two weeks now and feeling strong. Night all. x

Quick post tonight. I've made it through payday weekend with only a couple of urges. Feeling strong. Three weeks here I come!

Hooray, well done!!!!!

xxx

Well, another weekend done without s bet. This one was more difficult for me. I thought about gambling a few times and I'm getting to that forgetful stage where the temptation is stronger than the memory of losing. I've been distracting myself for the most part and staying awsy from the pc. Does anyone have any tips for sustaining this? My next goal is a month on the 9th of February.

Had a rather strange experience today. I was playing a game. I wasn't gambling. It was one of those electronic puzzle games where you can buy power ups if you are struggling to complete a level. Scared myself slightly as I experienced the same red mist don't care how much I have to spend emotion as I have in the past when I am chasing my losses. I only spent a few pounds and if I had been in any other frame of mind I would not even think to write this post but it bothers me. I feel ashamed I let my emotions get the better of me even though it wasn't in a betting context. Does that make any sense? Does anyone else feel similar emotions in other walks of life?

Hi Paige

Just wanted to say thanks very much for posting on my thread. I'm pleased if I can inspire anyone to give up and see life a different way but I'm also very aware myself that I could slip any day. I am in a very good place mentally with regards to gambling. I barely think about it at all. I have different goals and interests now.

I'm curious though as to why you've stopped posting on your own thread. Is everything ok?

I hope you're recovery is gathering pace and you too are in a better place. Have you managed to tell your other half? I haven't as yet and don't know if I will. I just know that I've stopped and that's all that really matters for now.

Thanks again. Best wishes.

G

Quite right G, I have been neglecting my diary. I guess the big news to open with is I am still gamble free. 54 days (I think) and counting.

I am finding the urges really tough right now. At first, when I quit, the thought of gambling disgusts me and makes feel sick. I think of the thousands of pounds, the lies and the guilt. After a couple of months away from gambling, the thought excites me. A voice in my head tells me I deserve a go, that maybe it is my turn, that the universe owes me one. Still just about finding the strength to batter that particular voice over the head with a big stick.

It is tough, doing this alone. I have told no one of my secret gambling or should I say secret recovery.

Here's to another day gamble free.

Paige,

Great diary. Well done for continuing along the road of not gambling. Instead of focussing on what you believe you are missing out on through not gambling why not list the benefits you have seen since you have stopped. When I had first reached 54 days I noticed that I slept longer and far more peacefully that I did whilst in the trap of gambling. Last night I stared at the ceiling for hours even though I was completely shattered. Horrible, horrible feeling. At 54 days I realised that I didn't worry about money the same way as before because I was no longer losing it. Not long after 54 days I started to treat my family more often because I could afford to do so. More than anything not long after 54 days I experienced an inner peace that I hadn't had for many years.

Don't ever doubt your decision. To return the world of gambling would be crazy. Heroin addicts experience this feeling within a few months of quitting their drug of choice. It is called J****E thinking. The demon inside you will try to convince you one last time to return to a life of hell. Don't let him. March on by this to a better life without the stress of gambling.

Tomso.