My Secret Diary

Paige sorry you feel so alone in all of this but that is exactly what this site is for. You really don't need to be alone. Use your diary to express how you feel. Log in daily. You only need to dedicate 10-15 mins a day. Better than hours sat in a casino gambling.

No one here knows who you are/where you live/what your habits are etc. You're not being judged. you're being supported by like minded people trying to resist those urges the same as you. Maybe try the chat room on here. Please don't feel that you are doing this on your own. We are with you on this journey. You're doing great and your words on here will inspire others. Have a great weekend.

G

Sitting on the train as I write this and the guy sitting opposite me is gambling on his phone. The volume isn't loud but I can hear the jangling sound when he wins and the thud, thud when he gets two feature symbols not three. My first emotion was jealousy; I was desperate to find a site I could play on but as I watched him, I gradually realised he doesn't look like he is enjoying himself. He keeps rubbing his eyes and holding his head. Seeing him has helped me remember how bad I feel when I am losing. How I would play on the way to work or in my lunch break to try to fit in every chance of winning back my losses. I am better off in every sense for having 55 days gamble free.

Hi Paige,

I just want to say thank you to you for being honest and writing about how you feel. I have now been gamble free for 23 days and started from the same starting point as yourself - massively low due to huge losses and have found some days easy but at the moment I feel exactly like you do...

It is easy to forget how rubbish gambling has made my life and how I allowed that to happen just to make myself feel 'better'. Whilst the urge to gamble is probably as strong as ever, I now have a rational head which reminds me more and more about how rubbish my life was when I was gambling and how much better it my life is now (albeit in small ways at the moment) thanks to not gambling. Whilst I am proud of what I have achieved and dread ever being back in that gambling hell I do miss it and I do wish I could have one last big win but I think these things whilst maintaining my sense of reality and rationality which seems to be keeping me on the straight and narrow.

I know that without this site and my diary I wouln't have made it to 23days and would probably have given in tonight (if not before) but reading stories on here inspire me and reading posts like yours remind me that I am human and that I am not alone or a freak for feeling the way I do.

Keep strong and thank you x

I'm losing track of the count (58 days give or take) as of tomorrow I'll have been gamble free for two calendar months. I was going through a sticky patch with urges every day but this last week has been a good one. I have been busy at work which is always a distraction but I have also found so much more time and energy to enjoy stuff with my friends and family. I know that there will still be difficult days ahead but this week has reminded me that the good ones make it well worth it. Px

Paige,

Great progress with your recovery. Two calendar months is amazing and you will feel better with every passing month. In time you will become accustomed to being a non-gambler and the urges will dissapear.

Keep going you are doing great.

Tomso.

Hey Paige

Hope life is continuing to treat you well without the gambling. Just wanted to stop by and say have a great weekend and I hope you continue to be gamble free.

G

Hi Paige,

Just had a look through your diary... You're doing great! I stopped not long before you, 68 days today for me. Let's both keep it up and watch the days build up and bank balances improve!

Take care, Stubbsy 🙂 x

Hey Paige

Not seen you post in a while. I hope you're doing just fine and resisting any gambling urges. Any time you feel like posting we'll be here to offer our support always.

I don't post as much as I did but still feel the importance to come on and to hopefully inspire others in the fight against complacency as well as to update my own post. I thinks it's important to let others know I'm still gamble free as I hope they can draw inspiration from that too.

Keep up the fight. Have a great week.

G

Thanks guys for the posts. Until about 3pm this afternoon it was going great. My bank balance was back where I wanted it to be but I got complacent. I had a spare hundred quid and decided I could control it, I could have a shot. No surprises for guessing, I couldn't.

b*****ks! How could I be so stupid as to find a new site and calmly sit here opening up a new account. How can an otherwise rational person convince herself that gambling is something that is within my control?

Had my bank not declined my transaction thus giving me a moment to think about what I was doing, I would have emptied my account again. Even as things stand, I have blown hundreds in an afternoon. So stupid. If I could shake myself and scream at myself, I would. Probably more productive to get on here restart the count and get posting. At least I have stopped and not nuked my account completely.

I had a difficult decision to make and so wanted to gamble to distract myself. Now I have to find several hundred quid from somewhere, deal with the guilt and disappointment and still make a difficult decision.

I just read my diary. I was supposed to do that before gambling not after.

Okay, 19th April becomes day one. Here we go again.....

Snap

We can do this

xxx

Okay...

New account closed - Check

Self exclusion - Check

Slightly manic, disappointed & emotional - Check

Must be time to start again. Hurry up midnight I want it to be day one.

You may think I am grasping at straws and trying to make myself feel better but I didn't empty my bank account last night and I didn't put a penny on my credit card.

Yes, I relapsed. I fell into the same trap as I have done in the past but, given the last time I had a splurge it lasted six days and cost me three grand, I'm calling this progress. I stopped myself chasing my losses and got my b**t back on site. It is almost five o'clock day one and I am never going back.

Yo,

You are dead right my friend that's is progress .

By taking it one day, putting in the blocks you have , you are throwing everything you've got at this .

Take care

Shiny x

Hi Paige,

Thanks for your post on my diary it meant so much and well done you on coming back and getting your blocks into place.

You had a relapse, so what, it hurts but we're fighters all of us and the main thing is, you stopped early, thought about actions, put them into place and are optimistic and keen to start your journey again.

We've both gone back to gambling many times but we keep trying and trying again we will. Will be side by side with you all of the way, proud of you for starting again, it's only money after all, happiness and health is far more important and you will have both of them again x

Thanks guys.

Day 2 almost done. Been a bit of a struggle ignoring that pain in the b**t voice in my head that says I was due a win and I should have kept going.

I think because I managed to stop, I don't have that overwhelming sick to the stomach feeling and empty bank account that normally make abstaining on the first days a foregone conclusion. I appreciate the support, it makes all the difference.