My Secret Diary

Day 2

Passed in a bit of a blur; work is inadvertently doing its bit to keep me distracted and out of trouble.

Thanks for the post Needtomoveon. Perhaps we can keep the count together this time.

Day 3

Off to bad start. My other goal this month was/is to lose half a stone in weight. Post gambling blues (donuts and vino) puts me two pounds up. Grrrr. If only those pounds were are easy to lose as pounds in the slots. Oh well, off to work to take my mind off everything.

Have a good, gamble free day. Px

Days 4 - 6

So far so good. Between work, exercise and sleep no time to think about slots never mind lose money on them. Fingers crossed the scales will be kind this week so I can keep up the momentum. Finding a new routine that involves non-gambling entertainments has to be a good thing.

Stay strong folks. Px

Just reading through your posts Paige, keep up the good work, I'm only on day 2 of being gamble free but am staying positive we will conquer this evil addiction!!! You're right if you keep busy you think less about slots, just really hard when on your own and bored, I am using this site to help at times like this, reading others posts helps, Good luck in your recovery

Days 7-11

Been neglecting my diary but can report several more days gamble free with only minimal urges. Can't stress enough how much easier it is to abstain when life is busy with other things. Stay strong folks. Px

Nice one Paige 🙂

Days 12-18

Another week done and happy to say I'm feeling pretty strong. Travelled the length of the country this week, twice; thanks to work. Always find that a dangerous time because that means casinos I've not excluded from already. I thought about the opportunities to gamble but without any particular desire to actually partake.

Stay strong folks. Px

Dayd 19 & 20

A prettu tough weekend to be honest. I really wanted to gamble. Managed to hack the parental control on my iPad. Must confess, there is a part of me that is quite impressed that I managed to remember a twenty digit string used once three weeks ago. Thankfully, it took me long enough that I remembered why it was on there in the first place and the moment passed.

Back to work and all the distractions it brings. Good luck folks for the week ahead.

Px

Well done Paige getting to Day 20, keep up the hard work and stay strong, keep reading other posts on here and see that you're not alone in this fight, take care S x

Hey Paige,

Just took the time and ready your diaries from page 1. You have some such a long way in not to long. Some people take years getting to where you are already. I can relate to you with regards to travelling with work, I do a lot myself and often on my own in hotels and trains ect. and being bored used to get the best of me. I am the same a you and wish I could gamble socially...it used to her part of my life and I think I used to enjoy it. Maybe that was the addiction talking though. I am around 25 days since I cashed out my final loses for the last time and have maintained gamble free thanks to wonderful diaries like yours. Keep going and keep posting, you are an inspiration....I think I should copy your diet plan as well...I could do with shedding my beer belly!

Keep going and keep writing. You are a great support and hope you believe others are to you.

Paige

Hope things are are going welp.

Ryan

Well hello diary, here we are again. It is almost three years since we had a chat and there is a lot to catch up on.

The first and most obvious thing to say is that tomorrow is day one; despite a few victories along the way, the gambling demons are a strong in me as they ever were. They have beaten me again. I feel deflated and utterly lost so came back to read my old diary. I now feel just as lost but also deeply sad and disappointed. The answers are in here.

You, dear diary, know exactly why I gamble. I told you about the need to rebel against my husband's rules and it being a way of escaping loneliness and boredom. I told you that if I gambled I was unhappy or scared and that the only healthy and constructive option was to address the real issue. I should have come back to remember that sooner. My first post said that, if I remembered these feelings I wouldn't gamble any more but I went away and forgot my own words.

I can look back over the last three years and tell you the events that led to each relapse. I could talk of cancer, of bereavement, of the loneliness of moving away and whilst I wouldn't wish them on anyone they are no excuse for lying to my husband and wasting family funds. They are certainly no excuse for lying to myself.

I could write the book on avoiding sensible blocks and on convincing myself that gambling is okay. I am a rational person with a thirty grand blind spot when it comes to gambling. I'm not as bad as I used to be but that is just not good enough. I want to be better.

I am in the red again. Not sure quite how much; that is a job for next week when I am feeling strong enough to tackle the bank. I have planned my way back into the black before so I know I can do it. I hope never to have to do it again.

I have never felt quite this sad and deflated before. Is that a good thing? Is this the rock bottom I am supposed to hit and work back?

One step at a time. All gambling accounts are now closed. Day one here we come...

Yes Samson, needing a stake or a connection is a big driver for me when gambling. Of course I should really just broach the subject or issue that is bothering me instead of using gambling as a way of retreating. Easy to say now; harder later to do.

Find myself heading off to bed with an all too familiar thought; this is the last time I do this and feel this.

In the last few years I have learned that I can trick, break or talk my way around all my blocks if I try hard enough. I know I need to get to a place where I just don't want to gamble. I have no idea how to do that. Gambling has been such a large part of my life that the thought of never doing it again ever actually terrifies me. I know that sounds nuts. Maybe someone else out there knows what I mean.

I want to change. For today, that will have to do.

Hi,

My husband is a CG, I was on the receiving end of the abuse that he dished out whilst he was active for a long time, as were our children, but he's been gf for about fifteen months and things are improved and improving.

Your opening post suggests that it's your husband who triggers the gambling. That can't possibly be so. I heard similar about my being extravagant and not contributing to the household income therefore he needed to invest in spread betting and it's manipulative nonsense. My husband gambled because he has a gambling addiction and you gamble because you have a gambling addiction. For my faults and failings, I didn't make him gamble or in any way cause him to place the bet. Ditto for your husband.

No doubt you don't appreciate this post but if you're serious about wanting to overcome the addiction, blaming him won't help you. There's a lot you can do to limit your access to gambling, showing him that you're doing it without leaving loopholes open can only help.

For the OHs, the financial loss is galling but it's the lies and the deceit that really pierce. It's no less of a betrayal than an affair. No one likes being fooled and taken for a mug, especially by someone who is supposed to love them. Honesty is a fundamental cornerstone of recovery, would suggest that you ditch the secrecy and tell him what's going on. It's not the telling him that jeopardises the relationship, it's the deceit. My family have survived our crisis (so far), contrary to expectations, because the abuse has stopped and repair work continues via GA and therapy.

Finally, a couple of new threads caught my eye. One diarist remarked that they have everything needed for happiness and yet this diarist is still unhappy. Another said that the relationship broke down but the gambling continued. It really isn't the people close to you. It's addiction and addiction can be arrested, it's possible to live life to the full in recovery. Bal has mentioned his late uncle, 35 years sober, admired and mourned.

The final choice between doing everything - everything - that it takes for recovery or continuing more of the same lies with you.

Wish you well.

CW

Thank you CW. I do appreciate the post and hearing a different perspective.

First though I want to clarify, I do not blame my husband for my continued gambling. I am a compulsive gambler and have found many and varied reasons to gamble over the years. Lots of people feel down or troubled and do not resort to this sort of behaviour. It is not acceptable and it is I who am at fault.

There was however a time about eight years ago when I had never gambled. Never spun a reel or turned a card. I was away from home caring for my husband's mother. I was lonely and wanted to do something that would frankly P**s him off. The chat rooms and sense of connection (well the ads look like such good fun) also appealed. It wasn't really meant to be a secret; it was meant to be a dig. I won some and lost some and I'm not sure when is spiralled out of control but spiral it did and I have never fully recovered.

I will not tell him or anyone else for that matter. My life, my profession even my sense of identity couldn't stand it. I need to find a way through and I genuinely want to. Just not sure of the way.

Today is day one and I have not gambled. I have been to the bank and I can just about cover my losses and get back in the black. It will take a couple of weeks.

It is not much but it is a start.