My Secret Diary

Day 2

Been thinking a lot about the things I have changed over the years and the things I haven't. It occurs to me that through all my attempts to stop gambling I have kept a private bank account which is probably the main reason I can hide my losses. My husband and I both have a separate account as well as the main joint one and always have but as soon as mine is back in credit, I am going to close it. That means for any future gambling transactions I would have to use the joint account or credit card both of which he is more likely to see. I don't want him to find out. I don't want eight years of secrets to be discovered so hoping that will be that crucial block that makes it stick this time. I will target the end of the month so anyone reading this, please feel free to come back and shout at me if I get to November without posting it is done.

Yesterday was an easy day from an abstention point of view because I am in the ashamed and sickened stage again. I wish I understood how gambling can take over an otherwise rational brain. Even when I am doing it my mind says you've had enough, it's not your day, this is making you miserable and still I watch myself add a hundred then another.

Since I realised I had a problem, I have got better at stopping. At one stage it was only a bank declined transaction that would break the spell and bring my senses back. These days I snap out of it by myself but still with considerable damage done.

Over the years I have questioned if total abstention was necessary. I have tried to budget and control, I have tried sport bets only, small stakes only and the one thing I can say with certainty is I cannot control my compulsion to gamble. It does not matter from which premise I start, I cannot stop.

Having said all this there is one thing I really don't understand. Why does the thought of never gambling again scare me so much?

Hi Paige,
Personally I don't think its the stopping gambling that scares you (or me). Its the fact that if you stop gambling you are going to have to deal with the issues/problems in your life that cause you to gamble.
I fully agree with you when it comes to total abstinence....never place that first bet and there will be no bet 2, bet 3 etc.
It makes me sad to read you don't want to get an real life help as I find its really good to talk to my mum whenever I am feeling down. Not many people know about my gambling but even having that one person to talk to has really helped me. However this is totally your choice and you need to do what you feel is best.
Anyway good luck with your recovery....I wish you well.
Damo

Hi, again,

I'd go further and say that isn't just a parent who needs to know, it's the spouse as well. Otherwise you're continuing to deceive them and that's what's wrong and hurtful about keeping quiet.

The other factor is that unwary relatives end up being a source of gambling tokens, which helps no one. I ended up paying for everything and freeing up my husband's wages to gamble. Looking back, I can't think why I accepted it but it's all part of the craziness of being caught up in the addiction.

GA members come from all walks of life, professional, non-professional, from all cultures, all skin colours, all religions, all occupations. Addiction doesn't discriminate and there's no shame in having the addiction. But it's how you deal with it. It's about breaking the cycle and learning manage without that something that placing the bet gives you. Painful at first but vital and worth it for real long term sustained recovery.

It's down to you, hope you go for it.

CW

So, you are all making me think a little harder about the secrecy thing. Here's what I've come up with:

Is this a way of not being honest with myself? In the early years, yes, I tried for the longest time to pretend I didn't have a problem; that, if was getting away with it, I was not a compulsive gambler. Now, not so much. I know I have a gambling problem and the solution is total abstinence. I suspect I have some other problems; I will have to figure them out as we go along.

Is it fair on my husband? Possibly not but this is my mess and my recovery. I have a question for CW if you are still reading. If your husband had managed to stop on his own, if life had normalised without you ever finding out, would you swap that for the hurt and pain that honesty has caused you? I believe my relationship would unravel completely if my husband learned he had been consistently and systematically deceived. I have much respect for the strength and perceiverance of both you and your husband. I am glad recovery is going well.

Is it possible? Well the afore mentioned thread and my past efforts don't bode well. I think that is where my bank account idea comes in. I will be putting myself in a position where I have to come clean if I fail again. The question becomes what is more important to me; my secret or my gambling. That may become the first tip, if it works.

Am I making this more difficult? Yes. At times I feel exceptionally alone. I can be in a room full of people who have no idea what I am going through. Sometimes I want to scream. I would love to have someone to give me a hug or a pat on the back and tell me I'll get there. What stops me is shame. I feel immense shame at what I have done/become and do not want to see that reflected back at me in the eyes of people who care. I just couldn't stand it.

Am I being selfish. Probably, yes, but there is very little about being a compulsive gambler that isn't selfish. Though, thinking about it, selfish maybe isn't the right word as most of the things I have done are not for the self but for the addiction. The addiction overwhelmed the self a long time ago.

Logically speaking, you are probably all right and I really appreciate all the diary posts. I certainly wouldn't recommend this as an approach but it is where I find myself. I intend to try to make it work.

Hi,

My original thought is "you have it all worked out". Just like a gambler would!!!!.

I tried the not telling my wife for a long time. Eventually the spiral of lies, deceit, shame, all caught up with me as I could no longer cover my tracks. I fell head first through the trap door.

In reality life never pans out the way we wish.

The choice at the end of the day is yours and i wish you every success.

Best wishes

Hi Paige , The thought of never gambling again scared me if I'm honest , It was the routine of it all with me , something I'd done day in day out for many years and it was also my place of escape so what ever was I going to do without it ?.

Something had to change in my way of thinking and I just sat down and really thought long and hard about the consequenses if I chose to carry on with the mindset I'd been in for so long , It's fear of the uknown and all new teritory to us so like me your bound to be aprehensive of what life will be like without the crutch of gambling to support you .

As far as telling your OH , well in my opinion not telling just allows you to give gambling the green light if one day you decide a little flutter won't hurt , there's always an open door waiting for you to enter .

Unlike Bal above who was found out , I took the other route 13 months ago and sat my Partner down and told her what I'd done , I then did the same with my grown up kids , I didn't know what to expect of course , none of us do but I'd been in a place where a few days before I'd looked at taking my own life because it seemed the easier way out , I could have carried on gambling for another year or so before things would have been forced out into the open as there were still lines of credit available to me not to mention the collateral I had in my house and buisiness .

As Bal so rightly pointed out the choice is always going to be yours but for me the act of telling all meant that gambling no longer had a hold on me , nowhere to hide and ultimately gave me back some self esteem whicvh has set me free :))

I wish you well Paige whatever your decision.

Regards Alan

No, Paige.

Partly because he didn't tell me. And that was the very worst aspect of the whole thing. That was what let us all down more than anything else. My nine year old said she wouldn't get married because I had and my husband had just lied to me for years.

My eldest son exposed him - he went to the bank as part of preparing for uni, he needed to know his financial position. I didn't know it, I should have but my husband insisted that I was a control freak for asking about the children's accounts and I kept an eggshell peace, I didn't insist. And my son discovered from an indifferent bank clerk that his lifetime savings amounted to £0.93. When challenged, my husband said that he'd "moved" the money because I made such a fuss about his investments. We only found out that my husband had spread bet it when I made my son write to the bank asking for back statements. He was 18, doing public exams. The statements came through on the last day of his A levels and told their own story. And my son's results were less than they should have been, even though he did make it to uni.

You haven't done anything like that? My husband had been spread betting for over ten years before he stooped that low.

CW

Hi Paige,
From a moral & logical way of thinking of course CW & HL are right. I didnt tell my wife, she found out the hard way. In hindsight, i wish I had had the courage to tell her. But hindsight always tends to get it right. The reality of my situation was my ego, arrogance & desire to not be blamed wouldnt allow me to do it.
Honesty on this site is often met with well meaning criticism, which is what you have received. I would just like to say, its been a long time since I saw such a vulnerable thread. One which I see as someone questioning their addiction & trying to work a way through it. Im sure you know which way to go. Just finding the why to do it, is easier than the how to do it sometimes

Am I making this more difficult? Yes. At times I feel exceptionally alone. I can be in a room full of people who have no idea what I am going through. Sometimes I want to scream. I would love to have someone to give me a hug or a pat on the back and tell me I'll get there. What stops me is shame. I feel immense shame at what I have done/become and do not want to see that reflected back at me in the eyes of people who care. I just couldn't stand it.

I echo your thoughts in this paragraph utterly Paige, the shame of it all, keeps us from telling, by the way here is a hug for you ( ) I could do with on

Thank you again for the diary posts. I appreciate the various perspectives more than I can say.

I cannot say what lengths I might go to if I continue gambling or even what lengths I would have gone to by now if I hadn't found Gamcare three years ago and started working on my problem. I have failed many times in recovery but I am proud of the steps and damage limitation I have achieved.

Four years ago I had to transfer a four figure sum out of the savings account. I hid the bank statement, made a few other large purchases and transfered some money about to mask it then kept my fingers crossed that my other half would not do the sums and work it out. I got away with it and I signed up here. I swore that would never happen again and it hasn't.

Since then I have had periods of controlled gambling, periods of abstention and a several splurges. Whatever I lost either came out of money I had put by or ran into my overdraft and I repaid it by occasional wins, working extra hours, selling stuff and redirecting money that I would have spent on myself into the account. I have robbed my husband of time in recent years but nothing more.

We are happy. Yes I have lied. Yes I am ashamed of gambling and being a compulsive gambler but I have always protected those close to me.

Anyway, day 2 is more or less done. I have thought a lot about gambling and the decisions I have made and I am tired. Utterly, emotionally and physically tired. Goodnight all.

Paige, I just read your post to Paul, to the effect that he'd done too much financial damage to hide it long term and you haven't. The addiction wants to hear that sort of rationalisation but it it really true?

It's not possible to contain the harm to you alone, no man is an island. The harm and chaos of the addiction spreads to those around you, usually financially, always emotionally. And even if you were just harming yourself, is that ok? I can't see that it is.

My husband kept his gambling hidden for an incredibly long time but we weren't happy whilst he was gambling. I knew something was wrong but not what it was, I thought it was me and I couldn't understand what I needed to do to please him - the eggshells were very fragile. Our honest life now is much better, even if there's a lot of repair work still to be done.

He actually gambled away the children's savings over five years before it was finally exposed. He spent that time failing miserably to win it back but he couldn't win because he couldn't stop. And he just told himself that it would be ok, that the money would be replaced in time for when it was needed. It was never going to happen.

Your strategy for overcoming the gambling is down to you and whilst I have strong opinions on spouses being deceived, I'm not telling you what to do. Just asking you to think.

Wish you well,

CW.

CW I appreciate your post and your point of view. Morally, you are right. Deceiving anyone (spouse, friend, relative, colleague) is wrong. I wish I was not in a position where I had lied. I wish I was not a compulsive gambler. Thing is I am and I am doing my best to do something about it.

You and others have suggested that I am a gambler who is cooking up a good and seemingly rational story to justify my actions. I cannot present you with evidence to the contrary only my belief.

I believe I am happily married. We walk hand in hand, share thoughts and dreams, holiday together, spend free time together, talk and share plans. We ask each other's opinions and actually act on advice given. We trust each other.

It kills me a little inside every time I admit that I have lied, every time I deceive and pray I'll get away with it and every time I acknowledge I do not deserve that trust but through the depths of my addiction I have worked to preserve this relationship and to protect him from the harm I cause myself. I have not yet managed to beat gambling but I have learned ways to limit the damage. I want to do better but am still proud of the progress I have made.

What I actually posted in Paul's diary is that he seems to believe things have gone too far for him and his partner while I believe they have not for me and mine. I do not know if either one of us is right but I see it as a difference between us. In terms of similarities, I see two compulsive gamblers who were in need of a hug. I appreciated the kind words in my diary and would never presume to tell him, or anyone else, what he should do.

I was angry with my husband when I started gambling but even then we were not unhappy. We coped with some lousy circumstances in the best way we could. A normal person would have used gambling for a bit of short term entertainment. I didn't know at the time that I had the compulsive loose wire in my head that would see me in trouble all these years later. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I have even thought of all the other things I could have done - handbags, heels, an affair. Alternatives that would have been a short lived rebellion rather than a long term betrayal. Alternatives that could have been less damaging to me in the long run. I just didn't know.

Day 3 is more or less done and has been a pretty good day. I have tried to channel my energy into more productive matters; work, a gym class, a catch up with friends. Not gambling for me equals time. I do not have to keep working, earning, selling just to cover my losses. I can reconnect with the people around me.

I wish anyone reading this a.good and gamble free day. x

Day 4

Not sure why but have woken up feeling hugely frustrated this morning. Maybe it is my lack of progress on a work issue;sitting here waiting for people to send me stuff, it might be nervousness about an up coming assessment next Wednesday or it might just be the demons in my head after three days not gambling. It is at moments like this I would often turn to the escapism of gambling and use it to turn off my brain. I think Alan nailed it when he said that was what I was scared of; abstention removes my usual distraction. I better go get off my b**t and do something else to quiet my mind.

Today got better and I didn't gamble. I baked. Haven't done that for ages. Treated the other half to one of his favourites in return for him letting me rant about work. Now sitting here with a glass of whisky and my third slice of cake.

Work is a monumental issue but I'll deal with that tomorrow or over the weekend.

Things are good.

Day 5

Pretty traumatic work day followed by a pretty traumatic drive home. Not sure what was going on but you really don't expect to see people walking on the motorway! I'm not particularly OCD (well, maybe a little bit) but nothing be it numbers, reports or people have been in the right place all day.

Not going to gamble even though I have been thinking about it. Need some other distraction. Read lots of posts about exercise helping so off to try a brand new class at the local gym. Does that justify stopping for fish and chips on the way home?! Fingers crossed the traffic is a little more favourable. Here goes...