My Secret Diary

Yes Paige , Fish N Chips solves everything :))

Enjoy :))

Not quite everything Alan. Cake yesterday and chips today might bode well for abstention but not the waist line. Oh well, one problem at a time.

Day five done. Night all. x

Day 6

Yesterday passed in a bit of a blur. I think I mentioned a big assessment I have coming up on Wednesday which is causing no small amount of stress particularly as it coincides with some monstrous deadlines at work. A great group of friends came together yesterday to help me prepare. It does make you realise what is important in life and it sure ain't gambling.

Day 7

Feeling a bit blah today. Pretty much always gambled on a Sunday as I am not very good at just chilling and doing nothing. Need to find something else with which to occupy myself.

Hi Paige, glad to see you are resisting the urge, i've been following you a bit (on here only !) and the first post about the embarresment really resonated with me, so i have kept reading your diary. I have come to the point in this awful addication where i actually don't miss the gambling, I am beginning to miss my money. I have very little left now, trying to get by on £80.00 per week for food, petrol and having an ok time with my girlfriend at week-ends, any more and the last of my savings are begininning to dwindle away. How are you coping financial wise? I keep waking at four in the morning with sweats and the fear of another day closer to be found out by my family and partner. Just a car breakdown or a request for a marriage contribution from the kids and it will all come tumbling down. God i dread that day. You say you need other interests, what do you like doing beside the gym? I reckon you are young enough to put this behind you, me too old to repair the damage, take care - Paul

Hi Paul, Thanks for stopping by and reading my ramblings. Financially, I'm okay. Would be better if I hadn't gambled of course but my losses have been pretty well spread out over the years. I realised quite early on that I had a problem and, as much as giving up has not been entirely successful, I have abstained and controlled enough to limit the damage. I do sometimes get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of all the things I could have done with the money if I had put it in a savings account rather than a slot machine but there is nothing I can do about that now. Best thing is not to throw more good money after bad.

I hate to see how much you are suffering with your secret. I probably understand better than most why you don't want to tell your family but your health seems to be suffering as a result. These physical symptoms of anxiety won't go away until something changes so the question becomes what can you do? If we rule out asking for help, what practical steps can you take to improve your situation? You are older than me but you are not exactly ancient! If your mind works anything like mine dones it needs a plan so work it out, write it down and hopefully things start to improve.

Day 7 (Sunday) ended up being relatively productive as I ended up working. I need to find at home hobbies; things I can do while my other half is reading the paper or watching TV. I like those things too but tend to get itchy feet after a couple of hours. It still amazes me that gambling could hold my focus for days when I am actually not very good at sitting still. I might look into courses or study or something once my bank account is back in the black.

Day 8

Was a busy work day so that kept me well and truly out of trouble. I also managed an appointment at the bank to start the process of transferring direct debits etc. over to the joint account with a view to closing my personal account. As I mentioned before this is a way of forcing myself to either abstain or get caught. Feels a bit scary but also good progress as in past attempts at recovery I have always lied to myself saying it didn't matter that I had access to funds as I could control myself. I know deep down that it is only a matter of time before I am tempted to gamble and my personal account just facilitates the problem. Another block almost in place.

Day 9

Okay, where are we at. Confirmation from the bank manager that transfer is in progress for my account closure which confirms I am backing myself in to a corner. Glad I am doing this as scary as it may be.

Otherwise, the day had been fine. Got confirmation that an upcoming bill is about £900 more that I was expecting but I can just about work around it. Very nervous tonight for tomorrow's assessment but not resorting gambling; I am meeting it head on. I also have a big call at work tomorrow so really have that feeling of everything coming at once.

There is something very satisfying about making changes. Is it possible that sometimes you reach a moment in your life when t is just right to move on? I hope so. I am ready to change.

Night all x

Day 10

Passed my assessment, survived my work deadline and made it to double figures in days gamble free. Not too shabby a day!

Day 11

Nothing spectacular to report. So busy the last couple of days I haven't really had a chance to think about gambling. Guess that is the way it should be. Finished work and on route to gym. Still comfort eating so better try to burn a few calories. Homemade steak pie for dinner when I'm done.

Congratulations on passing your assesment Paige :)) I thought people only comfort ate when they'd given up smoking though ? any excuse for a Pie on Thursday , Fish n chips on Friday , and Kebab or Chinese on Saturday , what you having Sunday ? LoL, Who said giving up gambling couldn't be fun eh ? :))

Have a good night !!

Hee hee Alan, has to be said, I have enjoyed the last week or so. I think the comfort eating comes more from the fact that takeaways don't really do healthy all the recipes I really enjoy making are unhealthy. I have have been trying to fill all the this extra time so have been out more eating on the go or in and baking. At least I have managed a few extra gym classes to make up for some of it.

Day 12

Far more chilled today as working from home. Means I have thought about gambling but more from a background noise point of view than anything else. I suspect it is similar to the smoker who doesn't know what to do with their hands once they have given up.

When smokers don't know what to do with their hands they usually replace it with food ! ( Funny that ) ?

Just glad your not going down that route :))

It's still better than gambling though :)) LoL

Day 13

Did a weights class at the gym on Thursday for the first time in months and can still barely move. Thought this gym nonsense was supposed to be good for you!

Still juggling money about but I have had confirmation through from the bank that my personal account will close on 27th of this month. Did it as a switching service where the receiving bank contacts your old bank on your behalf. Keep dreading that I will get a sales call trying to talk me out of it which would really test my resolve. So far so good anyway. I will probably be a few hundred short for the credit card bill this month but should be able to catch up before I need it for Christmas shopping so I can see a light at the end of the tunnel as long as I don't gamble.

Losing the bank account is probably the biggest block I have put in place since admitting I had a problem. I think I always saw it as an admission of defeat; I didn't want to admit I couldn't control my gambling. This time I don't care about my pride. Yes it is an embarrassing thing to admit, even just to myself, but gambling has me beaten and I really want to stop.

Well done Paige, stay strong you can do this, I'm not that far in front of you, I'm on day 25 , best wishes for a good week end x

Thanks Anon and congratulations on your gamble free tally. You are almost at the month; won't that be a nice milestone?

Day 14

Nice night out with friends yesterday. Sounds daft but I do feel that bit more engaged now I am not distracted by gambling. Even sitting on the train with a few drinks inside me I wasn't overly tempted to gamble. I acknowledged the fact that I often did but amused myself with other games and catching up on a few messages. I did at one point think I heard the jangle of a feature dropping on someone else's phone but that may have been my mind playing tricks on me.

At the end of today I will have made it to a fortnight gamble free so heading in the right direction.