Need serious help! My life is ruined

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It's amazing to hear how much your views on gambling have changed and how positive you are about yours and other peoples recovery. It's so nice to know I'm not alone and have people encourage me to seek help and get through this. It's upset me that my partner and family still say they can't believe I've done it and still ask why. I can't even give myself that answer. It is an escape for me, at first it was only about winning money but I knew that changed pretty quick as I was winning big and spending it again.

I look at my son and I cry because I love him so much and I want him to look up to me, I don't want to have to tell him one day that I was a convicted criminal and stole to feed my habit. It's embarrassing.

But then maybe it will do me good to share my story and help others one day.

Do you think it's likely for our cases to be headline news? Some say it won't be but I think mine will it makes me so anxious I can't sleep at night

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But can I Control it though? How can I change things when I know what I'm doing is wrong, I know what I can do to stop it and i still proceed to do it? This is why I say I'm a bad person. I have an amazing family and friends and now a child and I still put gambling first. I'm struggling to come to terms with it all. I need to focus and move on but I worry that this will always be hanging over me. I wonder why the courts are taking so long to issue a date.... my company don't want me to suffer or go to prison so not sure if that's why they aren't rushing it. I've never been in trouble before so have no clue when it comes to it. On the subject, were you actually charged? I attended a voluntary interview at the station then the police came around weeks ago and said you'll have a court date soon. I've not had pictures or finger prints taken?

Can i go to court without that?

Congratulations on the birth of your youngster Rach!

Gambling addiction isn't an easy thing to kick or there wouldn't be sites like this, but as a compulsive gambler you should be putting blocks in place for yourself, or better still getting your partner to do it so they can't be reversed when you have a weak moment.
blocking software is FREE and it's EASY to install, so stop making excuses! I was surprised how quickly the urges went away once it was installed. First week was tough, second week was tougher, but now when I turn on the laptop gambling is not even in the back of my mind - I just don't associate the computer with gambling at all these days when before it was simply a gateway to slots, poker and roulette.

You are NOT a bad person for succumbing to gambling addiction, but there is no point glossing over the fact that you are now hurting your family and it needs to stop. No more excuses about your self confidence issues, if your GP is dragging their feet getting you counselling sessions then start looking for your own too, call GamCare for a chat.

I am a compulsive gambler and I've lost everything in the past. Then got back on my feet, then slipped, then on my feet again until another relapse... it never ends until you put those barriers in place for yourself.

Addictions are an illness, but the addictive nature has been attributed to a combination of a persons genetics and their environment. That means that you're putting your son at risk. In the right environment he will almost certainly grow up to be a healthy, happy chap. If he grows up in a gambling household there is a chance that he grows up experiencing the same misery and desperate lows that you have. The reason I'm here is so my kids never go through it.

Hard words to hear but I know it's the truth and truth hurts. I have been in denial about it for ages and only now have i spoken out so it's difficult to not make excuses (that's all I've ever done) I want to stop for everyone around me but most importantly my son. I have self excluded from the main sites but then I signed up to others so that software is what I need to install. Is it the K9 thing someone suggested? I only ever use my iPhone to do it. Sky Vegas is now my weakness. It's sad how slot games control so many emotions and all of my time! I hate myself when I lose, which is every time, and I know that isn't good for my son. He needs his mum! I can't wait to have a gamble free life and try and forget this dark part of my life.

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Rach87 wrote:

Hard words to hear but I know it's the truth and truth hurts. I have been in denial about it for ages and only now have i spoken out so it's difficult to not make excuses (that's all I've ever done) I want to stop for everyone around me but most importantly my son. I have self excluded from the main sites but then I signed up to others so that software is what I need to install. Is it the K9 thing someone suggested? I only ever use my iPhone to do it. Sky Vegas is now my weakness. It's sad how slot games control so many emotions and all of my time! I hate myself when I lose, which is every time, and I know that isn't good for my son. He needs his mum! I can't wait to have a gamble free life and try and forget this dark part of my life.

K9 is what I use (wife installed it) and I can't fault it. Just having it there is a comfort blanket - I know even if I have a few beers tonight and start craving the slots (I know I won't - thinking of worst case scenarios), but even if I was that desperate, I know the computer or phone will NEVER let me. No over-ride, no back-doors.... absolutely NO gambling.

When my daughter was a baby/toddler I was home a couple of days a week with her. she'd go down for her nap at lunch time and I would load a casino site up...then an hour later I would be cursing her for waking up! wishing I could leave her in her cot for another hour so I could keep going. How pathetic does that sound? I was a sorry excuse for a human being and truly I didn't deserve the gift of children.
She is 5 years old now and a beautiful young lady. She's growing up way too fast, and I will never get those lost moments back from the first few years of her life. I regret that every day.

Don't be like that, put those gambling site blocks in immediately and please treasure your sons childhood, throw yourself into it with everything you have.

I know how you felt Kev, I have felt a bit annoyed that I haven't been able to gamble as much as I wanted. I look at my son and think what am I doing? Yet it hasn't stopped me finding a way. When you install the software does it give you passwords? Am I better off getting someone else to do it for me?

I want to be the best mother I can be, I have wanted a family since I was about 15, it's all I ever wished for and now i have it and I'm ruining it. I've never been this selfish in my life. Hopefully one day I can get through it like you have and lead a happy life 🙂

Dean, I have been thinking the same thing. They are going to see I still do it and think I don't care. But then I think surely they would be a bit concerned if I stopped all of a sudden after stealing and never did it again. I am going to anxiety classes (CBT) in Feb which is an 8 week course. The counsillor should come through soon and I will make appointments with Gamcare counsillors. Has anyone been to these one on one classes and found them useful?

Rach87 wrote:

I know how you felt Kev, I have felt a bit annoyed that I haven't been able to gamble as much as I wanted. I look at my son and think what am I doing? Yet it hasn't stopped me finding a way. When you install the software does it give you passwords? Am I better off getting someone else to do it for me?

I want to be the best mother I can be, I have wanted a family since I was about 15, it's all I ever wished for and now i have it and I'm ruining it. I've never been this selfish in my life. Hopefully one day I can get through it like you have and lead a happy life 🙂

I'm not out of the woods yet Rach, I'm still a CG and today was my first gamble free day in about 12 days. I got on a really good run in the summer and autumn, but as the cold nights drew in I stopped my "distraction" routines (jogging and weights for an hour before and after work mainly) and slipped back a little bit.

Yes, there is a supervisor password to set up. You can do the full installation yourself but make sure someone else sets the password and get them to make it a really obscure thing, something only they would know.

Have you got a diary running? It might be worth setting one up, it will definitely motivate you, it's so nice to see "gamble free" days tick by.

Oh sorry Kev, I thought you had been gamble free for a while by what you had said. It's mental how we go back to it knowing it's so wrong and we won't win! After the baby was born I wasn't even thinking about it and felt happy to not waste money I didn't have, then I had a melt down over what I had done and the police came to tell me a court date would be soon and then I turned back to it! I am trying to find ways to get cash fast but it's not easy to say the least.

What made you start gambling in the first place? Is your wife supportive?

I wish my partner would talk to me more, he keeps things to himself and buries his head, I know I've let him down too and it makes me so upset.

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I have always gambled, 5p slots as a teenager on holiday, 10p games of Gin Rummy with my brother etc - it was all just very innocent and natural but snowballed into bigger things, culminating with £5k casino sessions.
I'm like the happy-go-lucky party-guy who smokes a joint and ends up addicted to heroin!

The K9 stopped all internet gambling, which was a fantastic thing. I have excluded from all local casino's, also a good thing. I excluded from all local bookies, a really good thing except I can always go further afield (20 minutes on the train) which is what I did last week. 🙁
My wife is supportive to an extent but she thinks once I've stopped, I've stopped. she doesn't realise that temptation is still always there. I'm ashamed of the money I lost in the past and she is very driven financially, so it's quite hard to talk about it.