Need serious help! My life is ruined

Hi. I am a compulsive online slot gambler. I now have blocks in place and so far 22 days clear. I also am an escape gambler. I really would advise on the blocks especially with a young baby. I know when my daughter was born and cried and cried and wouldn't sleep, my slot gambling increased due to stress and me telling myself that I deserved some time to myself. It's a vicious circle, but keep logging on this site for mutual support from like minded people.

I will see the help I need. I have made too many excuses as it is and I know the judge will pick up on the fact I haven't stopped that's what's making me worry even more! It's my own fault but I really can't be taken away from my baby. It would end me.

I need to put the blocks in place ASAP let my partner deal with finances (even though he is rubbish at that kind of stuff) and I need to be more honest with family and friends. It's all easier said than done though. Yesterday I told myself not to do it as I need the money and have to pay bills plus I knew I wouldn't stop at the first deposit. Then I ended up spending every penny trying to win it back and now I'm skint over Christmas and for what?

How do others manage to keep gambling for so long? How does money not run out? I'm in loads of debt and have ruined my credit rating, I used to be so sensible. Never even owned a credit card until I was 26! Then the trouble started. I have lost who I am and have no concept of money anymore. I don't value the things I should either. I hope my mind can be altered and this feeling of sadness isn't how I want to feel forever.

[quote=Katiecoo]Hi. I am a compulsive online slot gambler. I now have blocks in place and so far 22 days clear. I also am an escape gambler. I really would advise on the blocks especially with a young baby. I know when my daughter was born and cried and cried and wouldn't sleep, my slot gambling increased due to stress and me telling myself that I deserved some time to myself. It's a vicious circle, but keep logging on this site for mutual support from like minded people.[/quote

Hi Katie, have you always gambled? Did you seek other support for it or managed to do it yourself using the blocks and this site?

Thank you Emily. I can't believe I have still done it! After all I went through and what I lost and I've done it again and again. If I get help now I am hoping they will see past it and realise I had a huge Problem which is now being dealt with. I just need to make sure i done relapse again! My life should be at a happy stage now not going through all this.

Have you had a big win? It's the worst thing that can happen yet I still thrive for it. So ridiculous. I hope everything works out ok for you.

Hi Rach,
I have gambled for about 20 years. I used to play slots at bingo which escalated once the online ones were created ( I don't drive, so it was an effort to get the bus to bingo). Being able to play slots at home was the beginning of my nightmare and slowly over the years my stakes have increased. One month ago I had no intention of stopping. I took a bad loss 3 weeks ago and then continued to gamble past my available funds on my credit card. This was my rock bottom as I just couldn't stop, I just kept going. I suffer anxiety at the best of times and I literally felt the heat rise past my face. That night I shared my problem with my partner. Please feel free to read my diary. I am only weeks into my journey. My partner put the block on my laptop and I can honestly say without it I would have relapsed. I wake up some mornings after dreaming of the slots. At my weakest moments I sign on here.

That's how I used to be Katie, I dreamt so many times about the games and winning, then I would convince myself it was a sign and that I was going to win big so spend all my wages on it. How I have managed for so long like this I don't know. How do we all find the money to do it if we always lose? It makes me sick to think of what I could have done with the money I've wasted (and won).

Hi Rach

If it was just about the money it wouldn't spiral the way it does. Compulsive gambling is a symptom of something deeper and you need to find what that is and address it. The way to do that is through counselling (free via Gamcare. Get signed up for that too as more evidence for the judge you've changed) and ongoing attendance at GA. Alongside that you need the mechanical blocks starting with sitting your partner down, coming clean and asking for his help. He needs to fully understand how serious this is and that he's the one who's going to need to step up to the plate with the finances. If he needs help with that can he get someone he trusts to help him? It's a daunting task (I've done it) but once it's all organised it becomes straightforward and pretty much second nature. He can set passwords for blockers too and sit with you to make sure you self exclude from every account you have. Push for permanent SE too. The companies won't always show it as an option but some at least will offer it when asked.

I feel terrible today, the anxiety is getting too much! I'm so stupid as to have kept gambling knowing what's to come! Now I will definitely go to prison 🙁 why did I keep doing it? I know I have underlying issues, I don't want to seem like I feel sorry for myself but I honestly believe that I'm just someone who will never be truly happy. I have everything and still mess it up. I don't think anyone will be on my side when this all comes out. I will get the help I need but maybe it's too late....

I don't think you will go to prison, Maybe rehab.

I can't be away from my baby. I am hoping councilling will help me I just wish I didn't have to wait anymore! I'm going to try and put all this behind me next year but first I need to get the court case out of the way.

hi rach 87. how selfish of me to say but it is good to read of how many people are in the same predicament as me. this is day one of me trying too stop. I sit here with tears rolling down my face as I right this. last night I had a really bad loss. so bad that I have literally left myself with nothing. my partner hasn't spoke to me and has no intention too. he's called me selfish and a bad mother and I know that it's true. I have 2 boys and live them so much it hurts but can't seem to stop even when I no how bad I will feel for days after. I think my partner has had enough now and rightly so. I just don't no what to do anymore. I feel like my life is over and I will never be happy again.

Rachel87, have you got your partner to put k9 on your phone/computer? Seems to me that if that is how you gamble it is the obvious thing to do immediately, if you are serious about wanting to stop. Could be done today, and then you will have started your journey into stopping gambling, and not simply talked about it.

Hello Rach87,

Well done on talking with your GP and obtaining that course of CBT next February to help you with managing your anxiety. Speculating with forum users about possible outcomes of your future court case seems to be triggering your anxiety, so perhaps it would help you more to talk that over with someone who is professionally qualified to give you legal advice, in case that helps to provide you with more clarity. Please continue to talk with your GP regularly so that your doctor can monitor your mood and help you with the management of your anxiety.

You mentioned that you're waiting for local counselling. You're also aware that GamCare provides free counselling. You're welcome to call us on our freephone 0808 8020 133 for emotional support or for details of GamCare counselling services.

Take care,

Forum Admin.

Hi Rach87,

The advice from the Forum Admin is absolutely spot on; the Gamcare experts here really know their stuff and their advice will really help you. They are trained, empathetic and - well - brilliant!

You might also consider printing off your Gamcare diary, the whole lot if you can, and passing it to your solicitor. He or she might find it useful to support your case. Maybe worth a mention to your solicitor? Just a thought. Meantime, deep breaths; relax; and you and your family enjoy Christmas Day tomorrow. Take care, Mixer.

neave91 wrote: hi rach 87. how selfish of me to say but it is good to read of how many people are in the same predicament as me. this is day one of me trying too stop. I sit here with tears rolling down my face as I right this. last night I had a really bad loss. so bad that I have literally left myself with nothing. my partner hasn't spoke to me and has no intention too. he's called me selfish and a bad mother and I know that it's true. I have 2 boys and live them so much it hurts but can't seem to stop even when I no how bad I will feel for days after. I think my partner has had enough now and rightly so. I just don't no what to do anymore. I feel like my life is over and I will never be happy again.

Aw Neave 🙁 it's horrible to hear how down you are. We have both been selfish and stupid but we can turn it around with help and support. Writing on here is a great release for your feelings and you know you're around like minded people who will not judge you. I am finding it hard but I have no money and spending time with my family this Christmas has made me realise how lucky I am. I don't need a big win or to waste any more time being a gambler! I'm going to see the gp again this week and see if I can be pushed forward as I want it over as soon as possible. Do you hAve friends or family who you can talk to? Has your partner spoken to you now?

Hope you're ok x