Need to start all over!

In response to my last post I have been a bloody fool and trusted myself to go to another town in that arcade the very same day I posted that message 2/6/12. I feel like such a hippocrate.

Feel so stupid after I was saying I felt so cr** and things were on back on track.

Why is it every time things seem to be getting a little better I pull the rug from under myself?

I knew I felt a little uneasy when I had a little credit in my account for the first time in years. I can no longer say I am good at handling money. It is almost like I am punishing myself when I had made a few steps forward.

I plan now to give up all gambling again it was the only time things were improving and not having other gambling thoughts so much. The lottery once more made me think of other gambling.

Anyway roughly -£800 on stupid arcade machines. Now I am into an overdraft again so will have fees and no spare cash.

The compulsive gambler took over in me today. I was wrong to put myself in that situation.Obviously setting myself up for failure

You can never be 100% confident you will not get cravings to gamble all the time. It comes back and bites you at anytime.

Awayout

Really sorry to hear about your slip m8. Horrible when it happens. You're right we can never be 100% confident, never relax. Steve

Ty for your reply. I knew when I had spent a couple 100 and then went back to the cash point I was asking for trouble,

The big win never came and I spent more than the £500 jackpot so what was the point except to want to gamble/ the action.

When you are gambling just for the 'action' and feeling like a zombie not thinking about the consequences of the money you are losing then you know you are back in 'compulsive gambler mode'

A really horrible sickening feeling. Felt really numb to what I was doing after I passed a certain point. It just seemed like pieces of paper I was using to 'feed the machine' to get the 'action'.

I did realise eventually I had lost more than the JP put continued to gamble as it seemed the only way to try and get the money back. Desperate, desperate when there was no need to be like this.

I was also feeling under the weather as I am now with throat infection hardly the best time to trust yourself..

Awayout

Hi awayout and yes it does come back to bite you, to bite me and at any time... and with the same pre-dictable results.. financial drain and personal misery.

Dig deep my friend.. stop punishing yourself... life only gets worse.

Must admit i feel like a bit of a hypocrit when i say these things. I still feel trapped in the same patterns and cycles of behaviour even though i haven't gambled for a while. Fould myself comforting myself with food yesterday.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Never give up giving up. Onwards my friend to a gambling free future... S.A

Enjoying the Diamond Jubilee day off even though under the weather.

No gambling temptation. Really must occupy my mind with other things.

Still feeling a bit sore from losing all that money the other day and making someone else richer with my cash.

Have a holiday in September so I am going to work towards savings up some spends and paying off the immediate bit of debt I have accrued again.

The cycle of gambling is so predictable and monotonous.

Will recover again in time but I must not forget the pain

Awayout

My new target no arcades. Last one was 2/6/2012

So today is day 4. Easy at the moment as no spare cash and the odd day I have been doing it is Saturday.

Last Saturday I found myself eventually going back to the cashpoint and withdrawing and spending more than the JP of 500.

Completely ludicrous and dangerous. I thought somehow arcades were somehow safer than the FOBTs in bookies where I am completely safe as I am self excluded, but it was a mirage. With the higher JP machines spending a quid a time you can soon get yourself in serious trouble as I did last Saturday when I had been doing so well up to then...

Back to the drawing board. No bet for me is safe as it just leads to more gambling eventually I will have to get that into my thick skull!

Awayout

All gambling establishments are dangerous. Even the 2p pusher machines in seaside arcades as they were the triggers for many of us on here to start a life as a compulsive gambler.

Just think what each £1 would buy you. This lasts for seconds on a £500 machine. What about ten of those? This would last around a minute.

But you already know this. Sometimes it just needs someone else to confirm this for you. Someone who has had years of experience.

Unfortunately.

But not any more. Let's stop this madness now. Together, we WILL beat this terrible addiction.

NT

Hello Awayout

Not much to say apart from, keep working one day at a time, draw a line in the sand, and keeping putting blocks in place, as long as you have the gambling mode on pilot, it will continue to seek ways of release, all you can do is learn from each mistake and put double blocks in place, while you are blocking though, it is important we find other things to focus our minds on, not just fighting the addiction, the mere fact we are fighting gambling keeps it in our focus, I find that spending time here, reading other diaries and welcoming the newbies, works positively for me, I hope you find what works for you,

Good luck mate

John

HI Awayout,

I just wanted to share my thoughts on your comment "I thought somehow arcades were somehow safer than the FOBTs in bookies" . As a compulsive gambler nothing is safe for me , we still look for the same buzz weather that be FOBT, arcades, on line, our minds and bodys crave the action its irrelevant what we are losing our money on.

This addiction is progressive in its nature but it is also devious, it will trick you and tell you that fruit machines arnt as bad as FOBT machines, but for us the result is the same "We cant win because we cant stop". I think you have learnt another valuable lesson in your recovery and i hope it makes you stronger to tackle this head on.

Just for today i will not gamble.

Blondie day 44

Thanks to you all for your support

Feel an idiot for giving them my money again.

Have woken up and hopefully smelt the roses

Awayout

You're not an idiot, you just made the wrong choice.

Just make sure that you now make all the right choices from now on.

NT

I still cannot answer the question why do we continue to gamble and self destruct when we know that this harms ourselves??

Why does the addiction at times overpower the commonsense that the odds are stacked way against us as soon as we gamble and the gambling establishments will just take our money (even if we have a so called 'lucky streak')??

I thought I was an intelligent guy but I am beginning to doubt it when my willpower does not seem enough alone to stop myself from gambling. I feel like I have very weak powers of concentration at the moment. When I start having gambling thoughts I feel like a child again, helpless, tempted, unable to take control.

I was almost in tears this weekend as I did it again on Saturday in the same arcade and for some bizarre reason took another 500 on my credit card on top of the 200 in arcade I had lost.

I then went to the nearby Bookies which I thought I was barred from as I selected local betting shops to be banned from. The lady asked for my ID took my details and wrote them down. I asked why she said it was so when they get checked for checking ages etc by inspectors etc they are covered.

I was really deep down wanting this person to see I am banned but obviously this information had not got through. I guess I am still liable for any money lost if I bet. Needless to say I fed that 500 into the FOBTs. I felt so sick I could have cried..

I have not been in the bookies since end of last year.

I can no longer trust myself with money. I thought I could but I cannot.

The progress I had recently made getting my debt down on overdrafts and credit cards of about 5k has been somewhat undone and now I owe 2k again roughly.

This was from a postion a few weeks ago when I was in the black in my bank account for the first time in 4 years.. although technically I still had/have a large loan to pay off as well..

I know the answer is obvious stay off gambling. I know where gambling will lead: to more debt. More hard work slogging away in a low paid job undone..

I am sure if I was not at home with my mum. Shamefully at 38, I feel I would be in the gutter by now. I must do something to protect myself from myself...

I have put the remainder of what I could spend in one large overdraft in another account I cannot easily touch. I am so afraid I am just going to add more to the debt.

Now will come the charges, overdraft fees when I had the chance to cancel the overdraft and live more within my means. The thought to cancel the overdraft did cross my mind I will be honest. Somehow though the thought I could risk gambling again cropped up and took over the last three weekends..

I know I have fallen again and some progress has been undone finacially and for my mental well being.

Any advice would be most appreciated..

Similar triggers that I have had in the past, family visit and bank holiday period, and holiday coming up. What a fool I feel. I know some of it is the sickness of addiction, but a lot I blame on myself for not being stronger willed. The gambling thoughts took over and I could not stop them..

Back to the drawing board.

Awayout

Hi Awayout... if will power was enough, none of us would be here...

to answer your question, why do we continue to gamble and self destruct when we know that this harms ourselves??

... probably because sub-conciously we WANT to punish ourselves because we feel so wretched within.. What better way to punish self than to gamble ones money away again.

Of course in the moment we still continue to believe that this time things will be different.. that this time we will win and keep winning.. but its never the case is it? No win is ever big enough for a compulsive gambler... we keep gambling until we run out of amunition. That has always been my experience and yours to... you know this to be true.

I know weve been here before.. but if your debts really are that overwhleming.. why don't you take decisive action with your debts.. in doing this you will not be able to have overdrafts and credit cards and loans... cos your credit rating will be shot to pieces for several years.. but this is no bad thing is it??... you will be forced to live within your means.. and could be the basis for a fresh start... gambling free!

Enough is enough. make this your rock bottom. Like me you have been around these diaries for a long time. You don't want to be writing much the same stuff in another 4 years time.. neither do I. Onwards to a brighter future. Be good to yourself by not gambling. Regards... S.A

Thanks for support.

You are so right I do not want to be writing the same stuff in 4 years time.

The gambling has already taken enough of my life.

"Onwards and upwards." I think I am going to try and use that more myself too!

Awayout

I am pleased to say I have been a week clean and already feel that I have a clear mind to try and sort out things sensibly.

Have handed a card to parent again as I had used this in last few weeks to gamble over and beyond the pail. Has been a long time since I have needed someone to mind my cards but it is a necessary thing.

I am not saying it has all been roses this past week. I have felt low, listless and unable to get up and do constructive things. I guess this is a direct result of my recent relapse..

I sort of know I need to get up and do constructive things to fight the gambling. However, the thought about 'just repeating the same cycle so what is the point of trying' and the feeling of being too tired to go on with the battle. Spending hours in bed feeling unable to do hardly anything including just entertaining myself..

Also I have had a deep feeling of agitation, and the 'what if I had or had not done this or that' scenarios running through my mind. Just unable to relax etc

Anyway today I feel better. The weather is nicer which helps and I now feel the 'sulking' is over and I have the energy and drive to face life again and move on from the gambling.

I did feel tempted to do the other again on Saturday. I know it sounds mad, but the more you gamble (we all know) the more you get the voices and pull towards gambling again. That is the nature of gambling.

Here is my main way of tackling this addiction:

1. Have someone mind card

2. Be patient, trying to pay of debts. Gambling prefers rash decisions risk taking and quick fixes which always ends in disaster

3. Do not watch TV if it involves a gambling element eg Deal or No Deal. These encourage gambling and gambling thoughts

4. Put all the blocks in place (excluded from all bookies in town already) and have plevnaf9 gambling blocking software which I have a lifetime never removable package!

5. Seek other activities which occupy myself and be constuctive to pay of more debt without further gambling

Awayout